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I am struggling again ... I really wish my appointment with my doctor was sooner ... I am becoming depressed again. I am having more difficulty sleeping unless I take a diazepam. I have anxious thoughts, irritable, etc.
I know this time of year is hard for me. I know it's a huge trigger and I have to ride it out. I know I need to take care of myself. I just have to get through this week and next week of work and then I have a break for a week.
I want to go home and hide. I sit in my office at work and come on here because I am getting crazy again. I am glad I have my own office, gives me some space. The office is very small though and no window, so it makes me anxious too.
My clients are getting irritable too ... complaining about me doing my job the wrong way when really I do it well, wanting me to do things that I cannot do, wanting me to be "superwoman" and wave my magic wand to fix everything ...
I keep getting irritated with my fiance. I feel badly about it. It's only Tuesday, ugh!
I want to go cuddle in bed with my kitty and a movie...
Aww bless you, I wish there was something I could do to help you, you just have so much on your mind at the moment and must be exhausted. Sending you lots of :hugs::hugs::hugs:
I totally commiserate with your feelings about this time of year - the cold and darkness can cause me to spiral into a panic without a twinge of warning. I almost feel like I am alien to this winter world - give me the glorious warm (sometimes!) light nights of summer. I am struggling with a change of meds as my 12 yr stretch of clomipramine seems to have fizzled out. So I have been taking sertraline for four weeks and am just starting to see a glimmer of daylight at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.
Try to comfort yourself with the fact that the sun starts coming back around the 21st of this month,and if you have a garden, start planning for the spring.:hugs: Lots of hugs to you. Hope the sun starts shining if only in your dreams.
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BTW have you tried a light box? Sounds to me like you could do with one in your office as it has no window - or punch a hole in the wall LOL. You need daylight every day for the old brain chems to tick over correctly.
Aw thank you both for your posts. I know, it gets dark so early now. I get up for work and drive in the dark, then I sit in my windowless office and by the time I leave it is dark again! What happened to the sun?
I am hoping to transfer to a work site that is closer to home ... I drive 45 minutes to work and 45 mins back home ... if I have class I have to drive 1 hr 15 mins to get up to school from work. I am so needing a break.
I think that will help a little ... It is a sad time of year. I have my door closed at my office because I can't deal with anybody coming and complaining about things anymore ... I sound so heartless.
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A light box is a good idea for my office .... I will look into it actually.
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Maybe I can put it next to pictures of the outdoors so I can pretend it is a window :roflmao:
I agree with the idea of a light box. I have one but keep forgetting to use it :doh: It is nice to see you can keep your good sense of humour even though you are so down..the pictures are a good idea..some nice tropical posters :D
My daughter has a 90 minute drive to work each morning, then a 12 hour shift and 90 mins back home. I wish she could find a job closer to where she lives. xx
this will be my last week of classes for about a month, at least ... so it will be nice to be able to just go home after work and unwind.
i am getting really stressed out about my wedding planning. so much to do but no energy. my fiance is on vacation from work this week and i keep askng him to do some of the planning and he drags his feet but then yells at me if i nag him to do it so eventually i just do it myself.
That's men for you :D When is the wedding and when are you planning to go on honeymoon?
The wedding is May 10th and we are planning to fly out on the 12th to Italy (once we get that booked!) for 8-10 days.
we still have to do flowers, invitations, my dress fitting, honeymoon booking, finish centerpieces, figure out if we want a limo, seating cards, shower, bachelorette, all that little stuff that i don't know how to do so my sister is helping because she already did it for her own wedding.
Also want to figure out a way to honor my mom at it ... maybe a memorial table, bc there are other people who have passed away in the family, but she was the most special so something more for her ...
Instead of throwing my wedding bouquet for the single girls to catch, I went to the cemetery after the wedding and put it on my husbands dad's grave, that way I felt like he still had a part in our wedding.
That is nice that your sister is helping you out :) It will all come together soon, You sound like me and can't settle until it is done. Did you get my pm yesterday?
yes I did, thank you so much! I meant to respond and then got distracted by a phone call and forgot totally after that. I looked for you on FB but there were so many by the same name so I did not know which one you were. Can you PM me a direct link?
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I also really like the bouquet idea, that might be a good thing to do ...
oh my gosh, had a really bad night last night. I got home from work and class exhausted and was looking forward to having all of the chores done because my fiance is off of work this week. I've been doing most of them this semester because he has been traveling for work. I get home late at night (my typical day is work 7:30 AM - 3:30/4 PM, then straight to school until maybe 10 PM). So when I get home I see that they are not done, the apartment has not been cleaned, laundry is half done and not folded because he decided to leave that part for me to do.
Well, I feel badly about it, but I snapped. First I shut down totally and did not want to talk. He knew I was mad, so then I exploded at him. After I felt so guilty that I was mean about it. I had a panic attack crying and spilled my guts about having a really hard time right now and struggling through this month.
Of course he understood and just sat with me and hugged me and then he finished the chores. It wasn't even the chores that were a big deal, but just triggered everything else to come to the surface too ...
So then I went to bed after everything was done and woke up drenched in sweat, now I am freaking out about having a "night sweat" ... here comes my health anxiety, always ready to kick in when other things get too difficult. Ugh.
So I am at work right now in my office .... we have no heat in my office so I am next to a little space heater. It is actually not an office but a closet they converted. Better than nothing though. I hope it is a quiet day because I cannot take much. I have to help one client with some state program applications that are long, I just want to go hide.
I am not surprised you got so upset last night, you must be totally exhausted. Don't worry about the night sweats, they often happen when our bodies are so weak and exhausted. You could really do with some 'me' time. :hugs::hugs::hugs: xx
I wish it would snow so I could have a day home without feeling guilty ... I put so much pressure on myself and feel badly whenever I miss work. Thank you for the info about night sweats, I have been ok with health anxiety stuff but when I get really tired or sad it creeps back in.
Maybe it would do you good to take a couple of days off work, you really need time to rest and you shouldn't feel guilty for being off due to illness. I know I do also but really our health is more important than anything and you really are burning the candle at both ends at the moment (Do you use that saying in USA?). :hugs:
I know, I would if I wasn't take the week of Christmas off. I don't want to not get paid, being a student anyway ... even though my fiance tells me the same thing you just said. I am too hard on myself.
Maybe I'll see if I can leave early today.
I think it would be a good idea to leave early if you can but don't go home doing chores! Go home to relax. I used to fuss so much about my housework until I fractured my foot an couldn't do it. My husband never does it as well as me :D I am past caring about it now, if I am tired I leave it and if anyone calls to see me, I get the hoover out and leave it in the room then they think I am cleaning! :roflmao: xx
That is such a good idea about leaving it out, hahaha I will have to try that one!!
We have a small, one bedroom apartment and our cat sheds like crazy which makes my nose all stuffy. We have to keep up with vacuuming, so I try to do it often bc it builds up on our carpeting. When our lease is up this summer we are going to look for a bigger place with wood floors so that it doesn't make me as sick! I'm allergic to dust and the cat ... didn't know until we got her!
I will make myself not do chores. I will try my hardest at least. Sometimes I find I cannot relax if it feels too dirty which is the trouble .... so then I just do it so I can calm down.
We have all wood floors as I am allergic to the house dust mite and it is so much easier to keep it clean. I was the same, could not relax and my family always complained that I was always cleaning the house but after my accident when I couldn't do it, I got so stressed about not being able to do it then just thought 'Why?! The house will still be here even when I am gone so it is more important to look after myself than the house. :)
Hi swgrl :hugs:
I know it doesn't sound ideal but, so glad u have your own office and can vent out on NMP. Like someone's suggested get a lamp & what about some flowers or aromatherapy things?
Yep, that's definitely a positive. I had some real flowers in here and they died really fast because of the lack of sunlight ... I'll have to get some fake ones!
It seems I have made my fiance mad again .. but I know I am right this time. He just called yelling at me. Not pleasant. I stayed calm and stuck to my guns. I know not all fights are worth the argument but I feel I am being treated unfairly. If that upsets him, so be it.
sigh
This week is not much better... ugh!!! I got through last week, now here it is Tuesday 9 AM and I am at work already anxious and wanting to leave. I needed diazepam to sleep the past couple nights ... I don't want to be reliant on it. I just want to get out of here! But I can't, have a program this afternoon to put on for my clients ...
Anxiety has been bad, I've been in a constant state of irritability and not very nice to my fiance. I just want to be alone.
I know how you feel, I have had to take diazepam to calm me down and just feel so anxious. I don't know if it is the time of year or what. xx
yeah i don't know ... tomorrow i see my counselor, so we'll talk about it. i just am in such a bad mood, i want to be alone, and i go home and don't get to be alone. i hate to say it, but i just want a day by myself. i love my fiance, he's been wonderful to me, but we have a tiny one bedroom apartment and don't get our own space. i just want to curl up in my room for a day and ignore the world.
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my sister and her d*chebag husband come home this weekend too ... i will be out of state visiting my fiance's family for the holidays. my sister is very needy and wants to spend every minute with me but does not understand why i am mad at her for not supporting me ... she will be home through new years.
i don't want to go see my fiances family either. i love them, they are wonderful, but again i just want to be alone. when i take time alone up there, my fiance tells them i am sad or anxious and then they keep asking me about it. it makes me uncomfortable even though i know they are just concerned and love me. i ask him not to say anything, just say i have a stomach ache or headache, but he does anyway.
then christmas with the family and the chance of running into the d*uchebag even though i will do everything in my power not to ... at the same time part of me wants to run into him and make him feel like crap and humiliate him. but i know that wouldn't be good for me.
then i travel out to san antonio ... freaking about the flights ... my fiance and i could not get seats together which is frustrating. my vacation is jam-packed with no "me" time. the one day that is scheduled for just me my sister has demanded i spend with her because she is here from across the country. i don't even want to see her. if i have legitimate plans she then gets mad at me and talks crap about me behind my back.
after the new year we are burying my mom's ashes on the day she died - Jan 13. She died two years ago that day and my dad has kept her ashes because he cannot stand to give them up. i asked if we could bury her finally. i am embarrassed that he has kept them so long, but i understand how hard it is. it is hard for me too.
wow, didn't expect this to be so long. i just wanted to vent.
yeah i don't know ... tomorrow i see my counselor, so we'll talk about it. i just am in such a bad mood, i want to be alone, and i go home and don't get to be alone. i hate to say it, but i just want a day by myself. i love my fiance, he's been wonderful to me, but we have a tiny one bedroom apartment and don't get our own space. i just want to curl up in my room for a day and ignore the world.
That is how I feel sometimes. The last few nights I have been going up to bed and taking my 2 year old cat with me, leaving the kitten and hubby downstairs. Chai likes the peace and quiet in the bedroom as much as I do :)
just gotta get through ... i have a 3 yr old kitty, she loves snuggling up in my bed too and is a great companion when feeling down. i wish i could get a dog too! something small but well behaved
My kitten is really hyper and keeps jumping on poor Chai who is being so patient with him :) x
Awww, what's the kitten's name? How old is he?
He is 13 weeks old and named Ryuu. This is him sleeping today http://https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/227081_10151393324635087_1110143181_n.jpg
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https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/227081_10151393324635087_1110143181_n.jpg
i just see a box with an X, might be my slow computer!
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oh there he is, HOW CUTE!!! :D
I just noticed the bit you added to your earlier post, aww bless you, you have so much going on and seeing your sisters husband isn't going to help. It will be hard for you to bury your Mum's ashes too...have you got a special place?
We are burying her in a cemetary not far from the house I grew up in ... my dad still lives there. It is in a park and near a pretty pond. When the weather is nicer, I plan on planting flowers ... it is where my dad will be too when he passes away. We need to do it to keep going, it has been hanging me up for a while, but my dad wasn't ready to do it yet.
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how do you post a picture? was trying to post one of my crazy kitty
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the pic is huge, ill figure this out hahaha
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https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=735f2e879a&view=att&th=13baf25a3139aa16&attid=0.1&disp=thd&zw
I still can't get the picture to post on the page. I posted the link by right clicking on the picture, copy picture url and paste the link
that's what i did ... hmm. i'll keep trying!
had a rough night last night ... got home from work, rushed to put in the laundry (not easy at our apartment, involves carrying it about a half mile away to the laundry room and back to my apartment), clean up the bathroom bc fiance did not do it even though he said he would ... so he comes home and last night was his turn to make dinner, as i had the past two nights. he says he is tired and he will just eat leftovers. so i was disappointed but figured ok, ill just make pasta or something.
so i fold the laundry when it is done and he helps a little and then purposely refuses to put it away so i snap and tell him i feel taken for granted and feel like i carry the weight around the house. i tried really hard to put it in a nice, calm tone, and we get in a fight.
it really isn't a big deal, just part of living together, but for some reason last night i just felt so frustrated and irritated. then i tried to communicate effectively and he refused to hear it, denied everything i said, we fought. he always tells me to ask him for help if i need it, but then once i ask him to do something like chores around the house he moans and groans, then only does it half-a**.
we have this fight a lot and it never gets fixed.
but anyway so i was in a bad mood from that, feeling like i am doing all the wedding stuff, i ask him to do something for the wedding and he doesn't, and then all the stuff on the news about newtown. last night they were giving bios of all of the people who were shot, the type of people they were, their likes, dislikes, etc and i just cried and cried.
i feel like my fuse is so short right now. i just want alone time.
I don't know what to say to help so I just want to send you :hugs::hugs::hugs: Really wish I lived close so I could come and help you to give you some rest.xx
thanks, sending :hugs::hugs: back too because i know you have been having a rough time too
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