Pinkcasi
14-12-12, 12:51
Hi everyone so i've not been here in quite a while, i may have gotten a bit carried away with life and now im having a slow slide into despair, so my story since i was last here....
I fell pregnant a few months ago, it was planned and i was lucky enough to fall on only the second month of coming off the pill, as soon as i found out i stopped smoking and i came off the citalorpram, at about that same time my partner got a new job, he's a chef and it was a promotion in a new place running his own kitchen, wicked, we need the extra money with the baby coming and it's great for his carreer, everything is perfect, im feeling good!
Then at 12.5 weeks i lost the baby so if ever there's a time for me to spiral that was it but i didn't i just about held it together, i spent a week in bed hysterical and refusing to see or speak to anyone, but i got through it, it's now been 3 months since then and i go to work and i function, Around the same time i lost the baby things went south for my partner at work, and through no fault of his own he ended up out of work for several weeks a month before xmas, he was down, and lost confidence and at home all the time, I was going out to work then coming home and having to do all the housework and it really took it's toll, he's back at work now and we're doing better but the whole of the last few months have really given us both a real kicking.
We are trying again, and have been for the last 3 months and although it's not that long it's really starting to take it's toll, I really thought i was pregnant this month I was late and despite having a negative pregnancy test i convinced myself that it was wrong and just too early to show, until i got my period which was like a donky kick to the chest, i know 3 months isn't a long time and some people try for years but im very impatient and i feel like after the miscarriage i feel lost and empty and if i can just get pregnant again everything will be ok, i know it doenst sound like a healthy reason to get pregnant but without it i feel like a total failure.
So many people just manage to accidently fall pregnant, they make out at school that if you have unprotected sex you are guarenteed to get pregnant, but it's not that easy is it, and my OH keeps saying well we've done it once so we can do it again, but it's no guarentee is it i might not be able to.
I just feel so sad most days, i feel like im just treading water, im teetering on the edge but i cant tell anyone, if my OH thinks im not ok, and he tells me all the time he's worried about me but i cant risk being put back on the drugs, i came off them because i didnt want to be on them wilie i was pregnant, how do i know that it didn't cause my miscarriage? I've stopped smoking and drinking, am eating healthy and taking my folic acid, im trying to ensure that im as healthy as i can be to give us the best chance, i sound like a nutter, and perhaps im not the best person to have a baby, i can hardly look after myself, i come to work do half a day and have to go home to cry, i like to think that if i had a baby i would be happier but at the end of the day im a depressive, what if i suffer with post natal depression, what if i make my kids depressives, what if something happens to my kids because of me and my 'issues' i would never forgive myself.
Im just having a bit of a ranty vent, i have no idea what im doing day on day really i just try to get through but if i keep trying for a baby does it make me really selfish? or just plain stupid?
I feel like im just treading water at the moment i have days (like today) where i just cant stop crying, i've dragged myself to work but i think i have to go wearly i just cant be here, im teetering on the edge and i dont know what to do.
I fell pregnant a few months ago, it was planned and i was lucky enough to fall on only the second month of coming off the pill, as soon as i found out i stopped smoking and i came off the citalorpram, at about that same time my partner got a new job, he's a chef and it was a promotion in a new place running his own kitchen, wicked, we need the extra money with the baby coming and it's great for his carreer, everything is perfect, im feeling good!
Then at 12.5 weeks i lost the baby so if ever there's a time for me to spiral that was it but i didn't i just about held it together, i spent a week in bed hysterical and refusing to see or speak to anyone, but i got through it, it's now been 3 months since then and i go to work and i function, Around the same time i lost the baby things went south for my partner at work, and through no fault of his own he ended up out of work for several weeks a month before xmas, he was down, and lost confidence and at home all the time, I was going out to work then coming home and having to do all the housework and it really took it's toll, he's back at work now and we're doing better but the whole of the last few months have really given us both a real kicking.
We are trying again, and have been for the last 3 months and although it's not that long it's really starting to take it's toll, I really thought i was pregnant this month I was late and despite having a negative pregnancy test i convinced myself that it was wrong and just too early to show, until i got my period which was like a donky kick to the chest, i know 3 months isn't a long time and some people try for years but im very impatient and i feel like after the miscarriage i feel lost and empty and if i can just get pregnant again everything will be ok, i know it doenst sound like a healthy reason to get pregnant but without it i feel like a total failure.
So many people just manage to accidently fall pregnant, they make out at school that if you have unprotected sex you are guarenteed to get pregnant, but it's not that easy is it, and my OH keeps saying well we've done it once so we can do it again, but it's no guarentee is it i might not be able to.
I just feel so sad most days, i feel like im just treading water, im teetering on the edge but i cant tell anyone, if my OH thinks im not ok, and he tells me all the time he's worried about me but i cant risk being put back on the drugs, i came off them because i didnt want to be on them wilie i was pregnant, how do i know that it didn't cause my miscarriage? I've stopped smoking and drinking, am eating healthy and taking my folic acid, im trying to ensure that im as healthy as i can be to give us the best chance, i sound like a nutter, and perhaps im not the best person to have a baby, i can hardly look after myself, i come to work do half a day and have to go home to cry, i like to think that if i had a baby i would be happier but at the end of the day im a depressive, what if i suffer with post natal depression, what if i make my kids depressives, what if something happens to my kids because of me and my 'issues' i would never forgive myself.
Im just having a bit of a ranty vent, i have no idea what im doing day on day really i just try to get through but if i keep trying for a baby does it make me really selfish? or just plain stupid?
I feel like im just treading water at the moment i have days (like today) where i just cant stop crying, i've dragged myself to work but i think i have to go wearly i just cant be here, im teetering on the edge and i dont know what to do.