lilym
15-12-12, 23:49
I have been reading these forums for a while now on and off, I have finally come to a decision to join and share my story and get some advice on what I am about to share. Haven't been to a doctor yet because I have been scared they wont understand me or think that I am going crazy. Since I have been quite young I was always organising and cleaning my room daily I couldn't stand it that something may be out of place and I always wished to have a messy a room because it seemed normal but never allowed it, it went away with growing older but when I was 16 (I am now 19) I had an eating disorder because I thought I had to look perfect I still feel like I have to be its like an obsession but when I beat it on my own I got worse with germs and checking the house several times before leaving which always results me in being late for college! I would unplug everything go downstairs and go back up again to check I know they are off but I can't leave I need to check sometimes I will go twice and when I finally leave I will suddenly feel scared that I have forgotten something and not turned it off and that it may set on fire so I would suddenly feel like turning back but I know im already late so I just try dealing with the horrible feeling and guilt until it passes. Also started having intrusive thoughts but I see them more as images rather than actual thinking and they really upset me because that's not me as a person I could never hurt anyone ever it goes against everything I believe in especially violence! I was mortified by these thoughts but I always knew that I couldn't hurt anyone so always told myself to shut up but that just made the thoughts worse it branched off the more I tried to fight it or try thinking about it, by reading about these things I'm guessing it could be some sort of OCD? I haven't a clue I just want it to be gone I have had these thoughts every single day at random it gets worse with watching scary films because I get nightmares and before I go bed I see everything ive seen and straight away see it happening to me and so on which is why I have stopped watching them. I guess I just wan't peoples advice on what it could be and how to deal with it and if its treatable, I want my own mind back and feel like myself again because I feel like im getting these thoughts more and more each day and its getting worse with the germs too I wash my hands too much my mum always complains and thinks its stupid, I always carry a sanitizer with me now for extra protection and today I couldn't bring myself to use a cash machine with bare hands so I ended up putting an old check/receit over my fingers because I forgot my sanitizer! I try to be as normal as possible so people don't notice my obsessiveness because I just joke my way out of it. I am a closed person I keep things to myself because I feel like if I say anything people will judge me so this is a first for me . I apologise for going on so much I just wanted to give everyone an idea. I just want some advice about the thoughts :( I'm not so bothered about the germs and checking