skiing

[maximus1975]

with all my mates just about to leave for the annual xmas ski trip yet again i miss out , this absolutley guts me , it was only a few years ago i would have been on this trip on the plane demanding a window seat for a good view.
now i have a job to go 20 miles from my house without having a panic attack , i have to ask myself what the hell has happened to me , i use to be able to ski the hardest slopes in the world get gondalas up mountains ( now getting a lift inside a hospitol is a mission) i can only dream of going skiing ever again im so upset this evening , also so jelous how am i ever gunna get back there again , i have a serious mental block that i need to overcome , i just cant see me on a mountain ever again and that really upsets me , it also upsets my friends that i cant go.
i use to just jump on a flight hitch a lift down to the alps find somewhere to kip and love my skiing .
where has all this gone i feel like id need a team of dr's just to get me over there let alone ski,yesterday was my birthday and it was rubbish coz i cant go anywhere:weep::weep:

[Annie0904]

I feel the same. I once went to America with a friend and traveled East coast to west and back East again on a Greyhound bus. I have also flown to America on my own. Today I couldn't even manage to get out to the post office half a mile away! I just want my life back. I do believe though if we have been that confident before that we CAN do it again. It doesn't feel like it at the moment. I have spent the day crying..but we Can do it, we have to believe it. I really hope that next year you will be able to go on the ski trip. I really want to try to get to the post office tomorrow, I don't want to give up :hugs::hugs:

[maximus1975]

annie its so tough isnt it? i can only put it down to our brain chemistry thats changed , im not sure that can be reversed , facebook is not helping matters as my friends are posting pics of all the lush snow out there and sitting outside a bar at lunchtime having lunch i cried on my birthday this weekend as im having such a rubbish time at the mo, i cant even afford to buy decent presents this year as im on the sick.
im stressed as 4 different consutants cant decide between them whats wrong with me.
i want to work so badly but guess i have to have a good spell physically let alone mentally.
cpn nurse is coming to see me this morning im gunna chat to her about where my confidence has gone when it comes to travel ,its almost like im a different person altogether

[Annie0904]

I can really relate to all you are saying. I have overcome this before, I was really ill with anxiety in 2004 and apart from a few little blips seemed to have it under control again until I had my accident in June and just feel like I am back to square one. The trouble is no one around me understands how debilitating it can be (my husband is really understanding and supporting). Others just think well if you just get out and do it instead of sitting home and crying! I really wish I could. Like you my friends are posting pics of parties and trips and getting excited about Christmas and I can't get excited about anything anymore :(

[Col]

Ahhhhhh Maximus, I wen skiing in Italy and its a totally exhilarating, beautiful beautiful experience.
Can sympathise, most on here I'm sure can relate to the feelings such as - how have I become like this? I've travelled to Jamaica, America and now, I think I'd panic that much I'd come back in a body bag! I'm sooo serious! Just standing in the airport, I can imagine I'd be a wreck just accompanying someone going on a plane, even if I wasn't going! It's astounding how panic and anxiety takes over you,it's like your under some kind of spell. Everything I do and everywhere I go now, is risk assessed. It's shocking shocking , so debilitating. I was crying and crying last wk, my hubby bought me some Moroccan pots, they are beautiful and it's one place I'd love to go But can never imagine getting there now, in a million years! We went to Tunisia which ive heard is similar to Morocco and we were so happy and the pots just triggered it all. Ohh dear oh dear so sad. All we can hope is that one day things might change and be thankfull for the experiences we've had, maybe some will never experience going skiing or going abroad at all, for that matter? Take care x

[maximus1975]

guys its horrible isnt it. i barely managed a smile on my birthday,part of me wants to come of facebook but thats just giving into another thing, 1 month ago i was offered a chefing job in chamonix my fav place, i had to turn it down and recomend a friend he got the job and is now posting up pics how gut wrenching is that? i dont no if im ever gunna find theold me again, i wasnt doing to bad till i started trialing this job its made my anxiety worse i dont think physically andmentally shuld continue with it

[Annie0904]

Max, if the job is making your anxiety worse don't do it. Anxiety isn't going to go overnight but it will go. My dad has just been to visit me. He is 82. When I was 7 my Grandfather died and that triggered anxiety in my dad, he was ill for a number of years, wouldn't leave the house and used to phone and beg my Mum to come home from work. This went on for a few years but then my Dad recovered although he has had little set backs. At the age of 82 he is a fit and healthy man and looks forward to holidays abroad (Unfortunately that can only happen if my husband and I take Mum and Dad). He is out going and always laughing and joking. We have better therapies now and I am confident that we will get our lives back but we have to give our bodies and minds time to heal. :hugs:

[maximus1975]

well i have just had my monthly visit from my cpn nurse, and had a good discusion about this job and she agrees its doing me more harm than good , it is the wrong time of the year to be selling solar power, i'll be putting myself under more presure by signing of the sick so if i get no surveys one week im gunna be in trouble with the bank.
although i cant pay them back as much as im suppose to at least with the sick pay i can give them the fixed amount we have agreed.
i must get better physically / mentally then get a job with a salarya and regular wage.
a comission only job isnt great for someone with anxiety

[Annie0904]

I think you have made the right decision. I have come to realise that our health is more important than anything.

[maximus1975]

yes right decsision at this point in time id go for it in the summer i reckon but only if i could track my own leads i need to be in more control of whats going on, the situation with my team leader is a mess i dont no wether im coming or going

[Annie0904]

Which is really not good for you at the moment. I have come to the conclusion that if I lose my job I lose it, we will just have to manage somehow. My health is more important.

[maximus1975]

more pics gone up on facebook of all my friends going ice skating in chamonix ive shed a few tears today i dont no how much more of this anxiety/ depression i can take, im never gunna get abroad or lead a normal life again,i feel awful today it started bad and has just got worse , the jelousy i have of anybody who doesnt have to experience these weird and negative thoughts.
my whole body is a bag of nerves i was trying to explain to my family how i feel but its hard to describe , my nan is scared of heights so i said i feel that nervous just watching tv

[Annie0904]

I tell others to imagine a time when they have felt really scared of something, well that is how I feel 24/7! Max you WILL get better, I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment and the harder you try the worse it seems to get but we will get there again. :hugs:

[maximus1975]

if only i was sure that , that is true i may never beat this i think there may come a time when i have to go into a clinic to protect myself . how depressing is it to think ill never have another holiday:weep::weep:

[Annie0904]

Max we have to think positive, if you think negative, you won't get better...you can overcome this only if you can be positive and say you will get better. We just have to take little steps at a time. Give yourself time to rest and tell yourself that is what you are doing. Look at your friends photos and say...that will be me next year. Anxiety is just like any other illness and it takes time to heal but we must never give up! The year that I was at my worst I actually managed to get to Portugal. My 17 year old son won a flying scholarship there and the rest of my family said they would only go if I went. I couldn't let them down so had to go. I cried all the way to the airport, had a massive panic attack on the flight but it actually did me some good and I started to get better from then. This year it was triggered by my accident. I have overcome it before and can do it again. It is all about changing the way we think. I know that isn't easy. Yesterday I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again but I talked myself out of thinking that way because there are things I still want to do in life and I have to get back to the old me to do it. :hugs:

[Col]

well i have just had my monthly visit from my cpn nurse, and had a good discusion about this job and she agrees its doing me more harm than good , it is the wrong time of the year to be selling solar power, i'll be putting myself under more presure by signing of the sick so if i get no surveys one week im gunna be in trouble with the bank.
although i cant pay them back as much as im suppose to at least with the sick pay i can give them the fixed amount we have agreed.
i must get better physically / mentally then get a job with a salarya and regular wage.
a comission only job isnt great for someone with anxiety

Exactly Maximus, that's what I tried suggesting you on your other thread about that job, the financial implications and the stress of sorting the money out sick notes, sick pay etc if it didn't work out and that this could all cause you some right messing about and thus creating even MORE stress for u!! I felt like a right Scrouge! Everyone else was being positive and I was worried & maybe came accross a little negative, about the messing around this could cause u on the money front ~ if things didn't work out with the job. I am glad you gave it a go though, at least you know you tried, you should be proud of this.:winks:

---------- Post added at 09:31 ---------- Previous post was at 09:28 ----------


Max we have to think positive, if you think negative, you won't get better...you can overcome this only if you can be positive and say you will get better. We just have to take little steps at a time. Give yourself time to rest and tell yourself that is what you are doing. Look at your friends photos and say...that will be me next year. Anxiety is just like any other illness and it takes time to heal but we must never give up! The year that I was at my worst I actually managed to get to Portugal. My 17 year old son won a flying scholarship there and the rest of my family said they would only go if I went. I couldn't let them down so had to go. I cried all the way to the airport, had a massive panic attack on the flight but it actually did me some good and I started to get better from then. This year it was triggered by my accident. I have overcome it before and can do it again. It is all about changing the way we think. I know that isn't easy. Yesterday I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again but I talked myself out of thinking that way because there are things I still want to do in life and I have to get back to the old me to do it. :hugs:

Wow Annie your son won a flying scholarship, how's he getting on? Your statement and words are so inspiring in this post ! XXX

[maximus1975]

thanks for the replys guys im trying so very hard to be positive ive woke up feeling pretty dodgy and i no its all because of this job its messed my head up in the last 10 days or so , shall i ? shant i ? is my team leader telling me the truth ? did those sueveys really get cancelled ? if my team leader picks me up and we go to a village miles away will i be alright?
what happens if head office call me up to exeter in jan for a training day ?
this cant have been doing me any good as my cpn nurse agreed yesterday

[Annie0904]

Wow Annie your son won a flying scholarship, how's he getting on? Your statement and words are so inspiring in this post !

It was a microlight flying scholarship, he flew solo at the end of the week. He wanted to be a commercial pilot but it is very expensive to do that and we just didn't have the money. He went to uni. to do an aerospace engineering degree. Not working with aircraft yet...he is now an engineer on the London underground.

[maximus1975]

the work place where i was trialing phoned me to ask if i was out door knocking today i said that at this time im not physically well enough to do it , which is pretty much the truth although today mentally i wouldnt have been able to do it either but they dont need to no that i will find out in the new year if they are willing to pay a basic wage and less commisiion otherwise im not doing it , till the summer at least when solar sells better i dont want to be under that sort of presure

[Annie0904]

You are right you don't, you don't need any pressure on you at all at the moment.

[maximus1975]

the only problem with not working and being physically sick is u have way to much time on your hands

[Annie0904]

I know, I have been trying to do craft activities, reading anything to try to keep me busy, but yes it's hard.