Time of year / A difficult goodbye to my abuser

[Tessar]

I know this is a difficult time of year for many, what with Seasonal Affective Disorder, Christmas & New Year to get through - the resulting forced happiness, plastic smiles, social anxiety to mention but a few issues that become heightened.
This year for me Christmas Day will be particularly poignant.
Cutting a long story short, I was relentlessly tormented & teased by my brothers as a child. My parents seemed oblivious & didnt protect me. One brother in particular was very cruel, he tricked me, played mind games & left me feeling insecure & disorientated. I cant put in words how he made me feel (how he still makes me feel).
As a small child I can remember Christmas with excitement but as I grew up our family Christmases got worse & worse. When my brothers came home it was scary ..... arguments, fighting, shouting & unpleasantness.
Last year on Christmas Day I rang my mother to wish her well. She didnt seem that interested & passed me to my brother. Apparently he "wanted to insult me". He was really rude to me & then started swearing at my partner so I hung up. That was the last time I spoke to him. He died last February from alcoholism.
Anyway, I really want to get this Christmas/New Year out of the way now. I hated my brother so much because of what he did to me. I'm dealing with that anger & hurt with my counsellor. Even though my abuser's gone & I know he cant hurt me anymore, he still haunts me. I am determined to work all of this out of my system so I guess that's why I'm offloading here as it helps to talk.
I'm also determined to re-build future Christmas & New Years to make it a more pleasant time again. How I wish I could rediscover that child like excitement about Christmas.
May be next year?

[Emphyrio]

Sorry to hear of your experiences Tessar.

Although I can't really relate as my Christmases have all been fairly pleasant, it seems that you're associating the time of year with the bad feelings. You say you want it to be over with quickly and you hope that next year will be better - what about trying to discover the magic of Christmas this year? I guess you just need to spend some quality time with loved ones so you can associate Christmas with good feelings again, though I guess that its easier said than done.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help!

[Annie0904]

Sending you :hugs::hugs::hugs: I was with an abusive husband for 13 years so know it can damage our lives. I really hope that one day we can deal with all this and enjoy our lives. x

[Tessar]

Thanks Emphyrio, You have been helpful & its really good to hear from someone who has had fairly pleasant Christmases, that really makes a change. Yeah, you're right I definitely associate the time of year with the bad feelings. I did want to make this year different but I suppose as I'm still getting the past out of my system & expecting too much of myself. Maybe it was just a bit too early but I am trying to make this Christmas better.... I'm not going to speak to my parents on xmas day because they always wind me up (or make me feel guilty that I dont see them - but they just do my head in so I have to limit how often I visit). I'll ring my mother xmas eve instead & be free to be myself xmas day. That's going to help. You're right about spending quality time with loved ones. We're off to my partners family for xmas day & always have fun with them. They are more like family to me than my own sometimes.

---------- Post added at 14:21 ---------- Previous post was at 14:18 ----------


Sending you :hugs::hugs::hugs: I was with an abusive husband for 13 years so know it can damage our lives. I really hope that one day we can deal with all this and enjoy our lives. x
Annie, If there was a "LIKE" button on here I'd click it for your post. maybe there should be "abuse free online get together" on xmas day. all comers welcome to chill & be happy together on a massive & very comfy sofa in a safe room with no bad memories allowed

[Brunette]

Why not think of some ways to celebrate Christmas that aren't associated with the ones you had when your brother was alive? I think the trendy term for it is "create a new tradition".

Some ideas might be to find a Christmas film you love, make a Christmas cake, go to midnight mass or a carol concert, or to see a ballet then do that every year as part of your new "Christmas tradition".

[Edie]

I like the idea of creating a new tradition. Your partner is your new family now. I hope this Christmas will be OK for you.

[Tessar]

It's very interesting about creating a new tradition. I was asking my partner about why they dont like xmas. Same as me really; bad memories due to family stuff. It seems hard for people to shake it off. Between us we have had some good xmas's together; The best ones have been when we're on our own & it's quiet.
We were doing that last year til I rang my mother (& my brother started on). I realise now that there is a possibility to create new, better memories to have.
What I also realise is that I havent given myself enough time to get rid of the bad things I am working through with my counsellor at the moment. Because my abusive brother died this year & xmas day last year was the last time i spoke to him, it's still fresh in my mind (as are all the horrible childhood/teenage memories of xmas). If I continue to work these out of my system, alongside doing more healthy things for me now.... i will get there.
I was invited to a carol service this year by a friend/colleague I get on very well with & trust too. But it didnt feel right as they are quite religious. At the moment, the religious thing is too strong for me because My parents over the years have tried to make me feel much guilt which is related to their roman catholic beliefs. I've realised now that their religion is more important to them than I am.
Anyway; I am making changes & gradually moving forward. It might be that I am progressing but the extra pressure this time of year bring to us all is perhaps not letting me see how far I have come. I'm told by my friends that I've made good progress this year so I'm going to focus on that & all the positive things/people in my life.
This includes friends I've made on here :-)

[Tessar]

i realised i have started a new tradition for xmas.

act the fool with my nieces/nephews (even the grown up ones). they love it. i only just realised this has been going on a few years now & that actually i do have something good to hold onto about xmas.

ok, so it was manic for a few days, but i've survived. yipee.

[Emphyrio]

Good to hear it Tessar :) We all need a bit of 'acting the fool' now and again - life's too short to be serious all the time. I probably say things and do things with close friends/family that are pretty immature considering I'm 29 now.

Are you generally a bit more positive about New Year? I'm going to be glad to say goodbye to 2012 - it had its good points but also a lot of bad/confused ones. 2011 was a bit better - 2010 was better still.

New Year's resolutions?

[Tessar]

Well, Emphyrio, I feel a bit 'torn' about the new year. i'm glad to kiss goodbye to some aspects of 2012. the early part of the year was a dark time & stirred up alot of childhood issues. I've spent the rest of the year dealing with it. I have to move on from it, otherwise it will sit there like a dark cloud for the rest of my life. I cant cope with that. My counsellor has helped me see that I lost much of my childhood to my family (by being oppressed & treated horribly). I am very connected with the past & am working at releasing a lifetime of frustrations, anger & emotions. I see this as a positive way of working towards a happier future. That's why i like being with young children because they are so free. Free to be themselves. It reminds me of when I was happy as a child & through getting silly with my nieces & nephews I feel like I'm doing the things I'd loved to have done myself when I was their age.
This site's been a major discovery; Not only have I received amazing support but it's been very rewarding being able to help other people. Ever since I can remember, I used to write to my gran & other older relatives/lifelong friends. but in the last few years all my older generation buddies have sadly died so I was left with no-one to write to & even tho I have current friends & a lovely partner, I was feeling very lonely. The loneliness I believe was partly down to losing the connection I felt when writing to people. Contributing on NMP seems to have given me back that connections; I feel like i've discovered parts of myself again that have been missing. I feel like I've got loads of on-line pen friends now. Actually a New Year resolution could be to meet some people from NMP. Er, perhaps I should try & organise something & be brave enough to let people meet the 'real me'! Eeek, scary.
There have been better parts to 2012; we got ourselves a new cat. Our last one died in Dec 2011 & it's taken us this long to face replacing her. We only got her a month ago; she's brilliant & i can just tell we're going to have her a long time & will grow to love her like our last cat.
To finish on a high, There were some other good parts of 2012 what with wiggins in the tour de france, the olympics & paralympics especially being such a huge success & helping pull people together. how brilliant it was to feel part of that. i guess also, tho i'm not really into the royal family, my partner & I did go to a jubilee party at one of our neighbours houses & that was a real success. i did enjoy the togetherness that this year brought.
Oh, also at some stage I would like to start getting back into my hobbies (cycling for one) which would link into new year resolutions.

[yvonne_uk_98]

Sorry to hear what you went through, thank you for sharing that takes strength and courage to share.

it takes time to heal, glad to hear your going for counseling.

sending you some hugs:

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

tired to pm you, and couldnt.

[Magic]

Tessar, Just wanted to wish you well. Look after yourself and put yourself first.
You deserve respect after what you have gone through.
Sending you :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Tessar]

thank you for the positive messages I really appreciate it. have to go now, soup is beckoning me.....