Angelai
20-12-12, 11:27
Hi all, this will make you think about v*, if you can - just a warning for anyone who isn't able to at the moment...
Right. I have been asked a couple of times by medical 'professionals' - what exactly is it that terrifies me about it? And I can't explain it. I have sat and REALLY thought about it, and I just don't know. Is it feeling ill? Is it the stuff coming out of my mouth? WHY am I so scared? I used to be afraid of dogs - I was scared they would bite me and hurt me. I'm afraid of heights - because I'm scared I will fall and hurt myself. You might be afraid of bees and wasps - because they might sting you. Or spiders - the thought of them crawling over you. These are a different type of phobia, I understand that, so... claustrophobia, agorophobia - fear of situations rather than things. Social phobia seems to cover a lot of the 'situational' phobias, but does it cover emetophobia? Am I scared of being in the 'situation' of being s**k? I'm not sure...
My instant reaction to it is - it's disgusting, shameful, embarrassing... that stuff is not supposed to come out of my body, it should stay on the inside like some dirty little secret. As it should stay on the inside of everyone else because it's not for anyone else to see. It shouldn't be 'out'. It's also about not being in control - we should be able to control ourselves enough to stop this secret coming out. It's like, forgive me for this, being caught masturbating (although not everyone would be ashamed by that, so there's another psycho issue!). So, ok... that leads me to the feeling that deep down, to be s**k is wrong in a kind of moral sense, it's 'bad behaviour'... hmmm, am confusing myself now!
I'm starting to think that this phobia might be connected to some sexual issue actually, now. The thought of touching myself for pleasure provokes the same feelings as the thought of being s**k. Although the emet is worse. Or is it just a general fear of not being in control of my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and being unable to allow my body to have natural responses and feelings without my mind seeming to have a say? I MUST be self-possessed and in full control of my body at all times. And I can't cope when other people are not in control of theirs. I can't cope with any public display of emotion or mood - whether that's a group of friends being raucous on a night out, or some drama queen having hysterics over some issue and crying all over the place in public. I mean, get a grip! Keep your basic emotions to yourself, they are not for anyone else to see, have some pride and self-respect!
As a child there was a man in our lives who used to beat my mum, it started only when he was drunk, but soon it was just whenever. I also experienced some sexual abuse. We moved a lot, lots of new schools. We were very poor. We had no real father figure until I was 10. There was very little stability. But, I was never cold or hungry, and mum was the most caring and loving person in the world. She was overprotective, she never made me do anything I didn't want to, she did her best to keep the bad stuff away. As a result, I never learned to face the difficult stuff, and never learned to make decisions that would offend anyone. I never built up the mental strength needed to follow through with something that was unpleasant or boring or just not what I wanted to do. At the same time though, mum was very obsessive about certain things - noisy eating and sniffing being the worst! I still can't eat a packet of crisps in her presence! And I still walk almost on the balls of my feet to be as quiet as possible. I feel constrained, excessively self-aware, bound by invisible bonds that keep everything in - like I'm wearing a straight jacket on the inside. I must not do anything that will cause ripples or make someone think badly of me. I can't bear it when I come across people who have no sense of where they are physically, or, worse, don't care. Everyone should be able to feel a bubble around them and act within it, not invade anyone else's bubble with their actions.
So, I am uptight, always afraid, over sensitive and intolerant! Basically, I must be in full control of myself, inside and out, and so must everyone else. This emetophobia is starting to sound less like a phobia and more like a personality disorder.
Sorry for the very long essay! I just wanted to write as it came to me. Any thoughts?
x
I should say, PART of a personality disorder, not a personality disorder in and of itself!
Right. I have been asked a couple of times by medical 'professionals' - what exactly is it that terrifies me about it? And I can't explain it. I have sat and REALLY thought about it, and I just don't know. Is it feeling ill? Is it the stuff coming out of my mouth? WHY am I so scared? I used to be afraid of dogs - I was scared they would bite me and hurt me. I'm afraid of heights - because I'm scared I will fall and hurt myself. You might be afraid of bees and wasps - because they might sting you. Or spiders - the thought of them crawling over you. These are a different type of phobia, I understand that, so... claustrophobia, agorophobia - fear of situations rather than things. Social phobia seems to cover a lot of the 'situational' phobias, but does it cover emetophobia? Am I scared of being in the 'situation' of being s**k? I'm not sure...
My instant reaction to it is - it's disgusting, shameful, embarrassing... that stuff is not supposed to come out of my body, it should stay on the inside like some dirty little secret. As it should stay on the inside of everyone else because it's not for anyone else to see. It shouldn't be 'out'. It's also about not being in control - we should be able to control ourselves enough to stop this secret coming out. It's like, forgive me for this, being caught masturbating (although not everyone would be ashamed by that, so there's another psycho issue!). So, ok... that leads me to the feeling that deep down, to be s**k is wrong in a kind of moral sense, it's 'bad behaviour'... hmmm, am confusing myself now!
I'm starting to think that this phobia might be connected to some sexual issue actually, now. The thought of touching myself for pleasure provokes the same feelings as the thought of being s**k. Although the emet is worse. Or is it just a general fear of not being in control of my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and being unable to allow my body to have natural responses and feelings without my mind seeming to have a say? I MUST be self-possessed and in full control of my body at all times. And I can't cope when other people are not in control of theirs. I can't cope with any public display of emotion or mood - whether that's a group of friends being raucous on a night out, or some drama queen having hysterics over some issue and crying all over the place in public. I mean, get a grip! Keep your basic emotions to yourself, they are not for anyone else to see, have some pride and self-respect!
As a child there was a man in our lives who used to beat my mum, it started only when he was drunk, but soon it was just whenever. I also experienced some sexual abuse. We moved a lot, lots of new schools. We were very poor. We had no real father figure until I was 10. There was very little stability. But, I was never cold or hungry, and mum was the most caring and loving person in the world. She was overprotective, she never made me do anything I didn't want to, she did her best to keep the bad stuff away. As a result, I never learned to face the difficult stuff, and never learned to make decisions that would offend anyone. I never built up the mental strength needed to follow through with something that was unpleasant or boring or just not what I wanted to do. At the same time though, mum was very obsessive about certain things - noisy eating and sniffing being the worst! I still can't eat a packet of crisps in her presence! And I still walk almost on the balls of my feet to be as quiet as possible. I feel constrained, excessively self-aware, bound by invisible bonds that keep everything in - like I'm wearing a straight jacket on the inside. I must not do anything that will cause ripples or make someone think badly of me. I can't bear it when I come across people who have no sense of where they are physically, or, worse, don't care. Everyone should be able to feel a bubble around them and act within it, not invade anyone else's bubble with their actions.
So, I am uptight, always afraid, over sensitive and intolerant! Basically, I must be in full control of myself, inside and out, and so must everyone else. This emetophobia is starting to sound less like a phobia and more like a personality disorder.
Sorry for the very long essay! I just wanted to write as it came to me. Any thoughts?
x
I should say, PART of a personality disorder, not a personality disorder in and of itself!