Justinf
21-12-12, 00:26
Firstly, this will probably be a long post. Sorry. But for the sake of some sort of brevity, here's how I became to be a health worrier. I will tell you why I am like I am. I went to a school dentist at age 6 and they drilled fillings into my teeth without any anasthetic and the nurse had to hold me down and tell me the pain was "only the noise". Then as a 13-year-old I approached my mother about what I thought was a lump on my left testicle. She said she would talk my father about it. I never heard back from her or him about it so I suffered in silence every day thinking I only had a few months to live. This went on until I was 29 (yep, 16 years!) when I finally decided to find out what this 'lump' was and it turned out to be nothing. I sought another opinion and the same assessment was made. So for all my teenage and adult life, I have had major health anxiety issues (can you blame me when my own mother didn't do anything about it? Can you imagine how that feels?).
For the record, I am a 42 year old male. Nonsmoker.
I remember it vividly. September 19, 2012 around lunctime when I overheard a co-worker on the phone in the office tell the person he was talking to that a friend of his had been diagnosed with spinal cancer.
For some reason my mind shifted into overdrive and an hour later I started to get a sore back in the thorasic region (mid-back region). Coincidence or real? I couldn't make my mind up. FOr the next two days the general ache stayed so I made an appointment to see my GP and from then on I have spiralled into a complete abyss to the point where I cannot see a way out and I am frustrating and alienating my loved ones.
The GP examined my back and said it was probably through poor posture, being overweight (I have put on 20kg in three years since having GAD and depression) and not moving around much and that it was not spinal cancer.
I went for a 2nd opinion. Same thing.
I went to an osteo. Same thing. Very tight mid back muscles. No spinal cancer and he said if he thought I had it, I would have been going for an x-ray the next day.
This did little to alleviate my anxiety. Then my wife left on a trip to Thailand for two weeks. This made things worse. My anxiety levels jumped and I was convinced I was dying of spinal cancer. Dr Google became my friend (what a friend he is! NOT!) and I started thinking I had weakness in the legs, which was a sure sign of the tumour pushing down on a nerve in the spine.
I then developed a upper respiratory virus. Phlegm, generally unwell, and a productive cough. Lasted three days, but a dry cough developed and hung around for days. Lung cancer. But I don't smoke! Asbestos related lung cancer! Dr Google was doing his best. I then doctor shopped. Four GPs I saw and they all said it was a post-viral cough that could hang around for weeks. Drink plenty of water and it will go. Osteo said it had been particularly bad this Australian winter. Convinced I now had lung cancer which had spread to the spine, I started thinking about updating my will etc. Anyone done that? Of course you have! Eventually, after about a month, the cough cleared up. Yep it hung around. And yes I re-visited two different GPs about it in the meantime. One even laughed at me when I asked at the end of the consultation if it was lung cancer.
Back started feeling better with treatment from the osteo. Hey, maybe I am not dying just after all!:yahoo:
All this happened over the course of about two months. I started to get a sore right knee. Bone cancer? Spasms in the diaphragm. Dr Google actually WAS my friend on this one and it didn't come up with anything sinister. Lump on the roof of my mouth. Tumour. Ooops, I remembered I slipped with the toothbrush that morning and it hurt.
See what I mean?
Then I started losing my appetite, which is just not me at all. I love my food. And at 184cm and 120kg, I am quite a bit overweight unfortunately. I lost 4kg over a month. Unexplained weight loss! Cancer. Terrified. Stupidly, I tried to put the weight back on, thinking that if I could, then I could rule myself out of cancer. How dumb is that? Of course giving up alcohol for a month and anxiety couldn't have contributed to my weight loss. Oh no! That's just too logical.
My GP checked me out and then sat me down and said if anything, I should keep going with the weight loss because if I lost 20kg, I would feel better in every aspect, including the mind. She is right of course, but that doesn't compute with someone whose mind is not functioning properly.
I went back to the GP last Friday. Still no appetite, but no other symptoms. She said it was anxiety and said I should actually use it to my benefit to lose some weight. She knew about the previous two months and what I was dealing with inside my mind. It made sense. By now I was back up to 120kg again, because I went on an overseas trip for two weeks and ate well even though my appetite had not returned.
During the last GP visit, I broke down in tears. I never do this. It was only then that my GP saw how much this was destroying me. She blocked out the next three patients and spent an hour with me, going over how the brain and digestive system are very much intertwined etc. I never realised that. She was great.
I tried to make an appointment today, because I do have some abdominal discomfort, but again, I am trying to think logically that the anxiety could be causing this and because I am weaning off Cymbalta with my psychiatrist (from 60mg to 30mg) and have increased my Seroquel (from 25mg a day for a week, now up to 25mg twice a day to combat the effects of weaning off the Cymbalta).
But my GP was booked out but made an exception to see me in an hour. I guess I just need some reassurance before the Christmas season. She has suggested actual psychology to combat my anxiety.
Anyway, that's my story so far. My wife has been incredibly supportive, but I have withdrawn from everybody, including my 12-year-old daughter whom I love more than life itself, just at a time when she probably needs me most.
I would not wish the past three months upon anyone.
I am glad I have found this forum to be able to share my true feelings.
And to think, all this was triggered by overhearing one, silly phone call.
For the record, I am a 42 year old male. Nonsmoker.
I remember it vividly. September 19, 2012 around lunctime when I overheard a co-worker on the phone in the office tell the person he was talking to that a friend of his had been diagnosed with spinal cancer.
For some reason my mind shifted into overdrive and an hour later I started to get a sore back in the thorasic region (mid-back region). Coincidence or real? I couldn't make my mind up. FOr the next two days the general ache stayed so I made an appointment to see my GP and from then on I have spiralled into a complete abyss to the point where I cannot see a way out and I am frustrating and alienating my loved ones.
The GP examined my back and said it was probably through poor posture, being overweight (I have put on 20kg in three years since having GAD and depression) and not moving around much and that it was not spinal cancer.
I went for a 2nd opinion. Same thing.
I went to an osteo. Same thing. Very tight mid back muscles. No spinal cancer and he said if he thought I had it, I would have been going for an x-ray the next day.
This did little to alleviate my anxiety. Then my wife left on a trip to Thailand for two weeks. This made things worse. My anxiety levels jumped and I was convinced I was dying of spinal cancer. Dr Google became my friend (what a friend he is! NOT!) and I started thinking I had weakness in the legs, which was a sure sign of the tumour pushing down on a nerve in the spine.
I then developed a upper respiratory virus. Phlegm, generally unwell, and a productive cough. Lasted three days, but a dry cough developed and hung around for days. Lung cancer. But I don't smoke! Asbestos related lung cancer! Dr Google was doing his best. I then doctor shopped. Four GPs I saw and they all said it was a post-viral cough that could hang around for weeks. Drink plenty of water and it will go. Osteo said it had been particularly bad this Australian winter. Convinced I now had lung cancer which had spread to the spine, I started thinking about updating my will etc. Anyone done that? Of course you have! Eventually, after about a month, the cough cleared up. Yep it hung around. And yes I re-visited two different GPs about it in the meantime. One even laughed at me when I asked at the end of the consultation if it was lung cancer.
Back started feeling better with treatment from the osteo. Hey, maybe I am not dying just after all!:yahoo:
All this happened over the course of about two months. I started to get a sore right knee. Bone cancer? Spasms in the diaphragm. Dr Google actually WAS my friend on this one and it didn't come up with anything sinister. Lump on the roof of my mouth. Tumour. Ooops, I remembered I slipped with the toothbrush that morning and it hurt.
See what I mean?
Then I started losing my appetite, which is just not me at all. I love my food. And at 184cm and 120kg, I am quite a bit overweight unfortunately. I lost 4kg over a month. Unexplained weight loss! Cancer. Terrified. Stupidly, I tried to put the weight back on, thinking that if I could, then I could rule myself out of cancer. How dumb is that? Of course giving up alcohol for a month and anxiety couldn't have contributed to my weight loss. Oh no! That's just too logical.
My GP checked me out and then sat me down and said if anything, I should keep going with the weight loss because if I lost 20kg, I would feel better in every aspect, including the mind. She is right of course, but that doesn't compute with someone whose mind is not functioning properly.
I went back to the GP last Friday. Still no appetite, but no other symptoms. She said it was anxiety and said I should actually use it to my benefit to lose some weight. She knew about the previous two months and what I was dealing with inside my mind. It made sense. By now I was back up to 120kg again, because I went on an overseas trip for two weeks and ate well even though my appetite had not returned.
During the last GP visit, I broke down in tears. I never do this. It was only then that my GP saw how much this was destroying me. She blocked out the next three patients and spent an hour with me, going over how the brain and digestive system are very much intertwined etc. I never realised that. She was great.
I tried to make an appointment today, because I do have some abdominal discomfort, but again, I am trying to think logically that the anxiety could be causing this and because I am weaning off Cymbalta with my psychiatrist (from 60mg to 30mg) and have increased my Seroquel (from 25mg a day for a week, now up to 25mg twice a day to combat the effects of weaning off the Cymbalta).
But my GP was booked out but made an exception to see me in an hour. I guess I just need some reassurance before the Christmas season. She has suggested actual psychology to combat my anxiety.
Anyway, that's my story so far. My wife has been incredibly supportive, but I have withdrawn from everybody, including my 12-year-old daughter whom I love more than life itself, just at a time when she probably needs me most.
I would not wish the past three months upon anyone.
I am glad I have found this forum to be able to share my true feelings.
And to think, all this was triggered by overhearing one, silly phone call.