Terrified of HIV

[Rootytooty]

I am so ashamed, and so scared.

About 6 months ago, I got really drunk at a works do, and can’t remember much (I rarely drink normally), but woke up the next day in a co-workers bed. I felt terrible, as he is married, and in all honesty, I don’t think I was conscious the whole time (I am not trying to say it was not my fault, I blame myself entirely for putting myself in that position).

He apologised for taking advantage, and we agreed to pretend it never happened.

BUT, he must have had anal sex with me, as I was injured and bled at the back for about two days. I’ve never had anal sex before,

Now I am terrified he has given my HIV, I an convinced that I deserve it, and feel like such a bad person.

I am a single mother with two teenagers, and feel like I have let them down and brought shame on them. I am having a test on Monday, but I won’t get the results for two weeks! If it comes back positive, I am planning to kill myself in a road accident, so they will never know about my shame and guilt. I can’t bring that down on them. I can’t bear it when people are nice to me, as I am such a bad person. My children only have me to rely on, and I have done this.

I can’t eat or sleep and want to cry all the time. I feel like I am going insane.

[Elle-Kay]

Do you know that your colleague is HIV+?

Also, there are alternative reasons for anal trauma and bleeding - e.g. constipation, piles, an anal fissure. All of these are fairly common, can cause temporary bleeding from the anus, but are nothing to be concerned about.

You should be offered some counselling alongside your blood test. Please take advantage of this if it is offered and discuss your feelings with the counsellor. I would also suggest you ask your GP for a referral to a general counsellor, to help you with your emotional reaction to what happened - you made a mistake, and you have obviously reflected on that, but to consider leaving your children because of that is very serious, and I think you would benefit from some emotional support to work through your feelings.

[nomorepanic]

Why on earth would you kill youself over this and leave the children?

[Rootytooty]

thank you so much for taking the time to reply..

No, I have no idea if my colleague is HIV or not. We don't talk about any non-work related issues, although we were friends before this. I don;t know if he has done this sort of thing before or not. He seems happily married, and did seem as upset as I was over what happened. We don't fancy each other, we never flirted before that, and I can't work it out.

I know the trauma was due to what happened (even though I have no recollection), because I was in pain, and the bleeding was immediately following that night.

I just feel like I have let my children down so badly, and they would never forgive me for being such a bad person. They would be better off without me than the shame I will bring about if I am HIV. I hate myself so much...
how can I expect my children to like or love me?

[Tufty]

Good advice Elle-Kay.
I work in sexual health and counsel, test and diagnose patients for HIV.
Using the information you've given I would determine your HIV risk as negligable. Anal sex does carry a higher risk of transmission of HIV BUT a heterosexual married man has a very low risk (we're talking you're more likely to be hit be a low flying plane). Even if he was HIV+, which is very unlikely, the chances of aquiring the infection from one episode of unprotected anal sex is low.
If he gives blood or has children HIV would of been identified.
Please have the test to put your mind at rest but be honest about your thoughts surrounding HIV with the clinic staff, you must have further counselling about this which will be available at the clinic.
HIV is a manageable, chronic condition. It is not curable but most people go on to live normal, healthy lives. Our patients get married, have children, work, go on holiday etc, please do not see HIV as a shameful disease worth ending your life for.
I hope this helps
Sam

[Rootytooty]

Hello Sam

thanks for your reply, it has made me cry bucketloads.

I have problems with anxiety, and I feel like I am in meltdown. I had a similar experience a few years ago when my marriage was breaking up. I was in such a state I convinced myself I had cancer. I was almost pyschotic, and seriously considered how to make my children hate me so that they would not miss me when I died!

I have very low self esteem, and maybe thats why I keep messing up, I feel the need to constantly punish myself. I also feel so bad about his wife, and family. (I have never met them).

With the previous episode, I did go to the doctors, and eventually, I did get stronger. However, when I applied to get some income protection insurance, it was declined because of this. As I am the sole supporter of my children, I can't go to the doctors about any of these things anymore, as I am scared that it will cause problems in the future for keeping my kids safe and secure. I just have to try to keep going, but I am tired and lonely with it all (sorry, just read that back and it sounds soo self pitying).

[Tufty]

Ashamed, scared, guilt, blame, bad person, punish, messing up, self pitying - you used all these words to describe yourself in your posts, it sounds like your self esteem is non existent, no wonder you're tired and it's not self pitying at all. It's normal to make mistakes - we all do, try not to give this more thought and worry than it deserves - you regret it, try to move on from it.

Please consider going to your docs again, your mental and emotional health is vital to your well being, stuff any problems with insurance, your kids need you well - you can keep them safe and secure more than anyone else. 1 in 3 of us will suffer some kind of mental health problem in our lifetime, consultations with our drs are confidential, if we worried about how these consultations affected our futures there would be a lot more of us continuing to struggle. Your GP is there to support and help you recover - please seek help.
Take care
Sam

[Elle-Kay]

I can't really add to what Sam has already said, except to say that your GP cannot release any information about your health to a third party without your prior knowledge and consent, so you have nothing to fear about seeing your Dr about the problem(s) you are experiencing. Your children need you well, so you need to see your GP.

[Justinf]

It's highly unlikely he is HIV positive and even if he was, it doesn't mean every unprotected sexual encounter he has will transmit.
Please don't beat yourself up over this. We all make mistakes and life is for learning, not punishment. You haven't done anything illegal or anything bad. You had a few too many and ended up in someone's bed. Like we all haven't done that before!
Your kids need you.
I will say it again. The chances of this man having HIV are so slim that it is not even worth worrying about.

[Rootytooty]

Thank you all so,so much for the replies, I keep re-reading them, it is something to try to hold on to

I have been so, so stupid. I keep going over everything and I am also worrying about a relationship I had (the first since my divorce 3 years ago) about 18 months ago. It lasted 5 months, but I had to end it, because he was really possessive, and was jealous of my children and any man I happened to talk to (including my brothers in law :scared15: )

Anyway, we had a physical relationship too, but it only involved oral sex. Could I have got hiv from that?

Why have I been so stupid? Why did I not practise "safe sex"?

I am terrified, and of course I have brought it all on myslelf. I feel so unclean, like I should be walking roubd with a bell. Bo-one could hate me more than I hate myself. I am so sorry for everything.

I am trying to bargain with myself. If I can have a negative result, I will be content to spend the rest of my life alone (no partner), and never put ,yself at risk again, nor let my children down.

I have taken some Kalms this morning, but the tears are hard to hide.

Please don't hate me people,

---------- Post added at 11:52 ---------- Previous post was at 11:48 ----------

Just to add, we only had oral sex twice.

---------- Post added at 11:53 ---------- Previous post was at 11:52 ----------

Thank you all again xxxx

[peter34uk]

Ur chances of having HIV is 0.

Having said that, if you go to your local Sexual Health Clinic, you can get the results in 20mins.

They prick your finger, you go to a waiting room and they call you in for results.

What im more concerned about is are you sure it was consensual sex? If you did have anal sex, it doesnt sound like in your original post you consented as you dont remember!

[ewood79]

Lesson is dont get so drink to put yourself in bad situations.

Don't be so hard on yourself, we all do silly things from time to time!

Relax and enjoy your Christmas :)

[Rootytooty]

Well, today is the day of the test. I am so,so scared.

I won't get the results for two weeks, which is going to make Christmas very difficult. I asked when I madw the appointment, and no mention was made of a 20 minute test?

I don't know if I consented or not, as I said, I dont think I was fully conscious. BUT, I allowed myself into that situation, so I have to take responsibility. I did not stop him. I blame myself. I can remember being sick, and then he asked if I wanted to lie down. so I did. Was this me consenting?
The next thing I remember was him removing my trousers, then black, then I opened my eyes, and he was having sex with me (sorry to be so graphic), then black until I opened my eyes and it was getting light.

Yes, you are right about the drinking. I rarely drink (my ex-husband is a quasi alcoholic which makes me a bit anti). So, when I do drink the danger is that I will get extremely drunk as I have low tolerance.

I have not drunk more than two small ciders since this episode, and I have no intention of ever being drunk again, no matter who calls me boring!

I don't deserve kindness from others, I am so sorry for being so bad. I am cracking up.

thank you all for taking the time to reply.

[Justinf]

You are definitely not bad. If I had a dollar for every time I ended up in a strange woman's bed before I got married, I would not need to buy a lotto ticket every weekend. :D
I can absolutely guarantee you that you won't have HIV. That's how confident I am.
What is more concerning is your recount of how events took place. it seems like he took advantage of you, which makes him bad, not you. In fact, it sounds like borderline rape.
I can understand you wanting to forget this ever happened though.

[Tufty]

Good luck for today Rooty, not that you need it for the tests they will be negative, but I hope they can help you with your fears. Try to be honest about your experience and feelings towards infection when you see the clinic staff, I don't know which clinic you're going to but if you ask to see a health advisor after the medical consultation they have more time to chat about the emotional consequences including support after sexual assault and I think this could benefit you.

No one on this forum will hate you, we respect and support each other through these crisis's.

Just to confirm there are no recorded cases of a female catching HIV from performing oral sex on a heterosexual British man, NONE.

So, head up high, you've done nothing to be ashamed of, have the test and put this fear to bed

Let us know how you get on
Love Sam