Childhood thoughts

[jayjoe18]

I've just been reading through some threads and realised that I may have experienced derealization as a child. I used to think to myself what it would be like when I'm dead, and think about how there would be complete silence and I'd be alone and never see my family again and then would get this awful rush of heat and panic through my body that would terrify me. Sometimes when I was alone I would think to myself 'it's me, it's really me' and again I'd have this rush of panic and almost feel like I was outside of my body if that makes any sense at all? I would then have to talk loudly to myself or sing and distract myself to feel 'normal' again & couldn't look at myself in the mirror. It's really hard to explain and I've not thought about it for a long time. I never knew what it was before and I've never thought to link it to my anxieties, could what I've described be derealization?

[Mark13]

The symptoms of "heat & panic" are certainly anxiety. The "outside of yourself" and "couldn't look at myself in a mirror" are depersonalisation rather than derealisation IMHO (I'm sure others may argue differently).

I've had derealisation for 34 years, to me it is where the outside world looks flat, 2D, drab and you don't feel you're actually in it, more just watching it. Depersonalisation is where you lose your sense of self, what make you feel like "you" inside. That, everyone experiences at times, but it's more common with anxiety.

That said, the 2 are closely linked and symptoms overlap somewhat.

With both symptoms you can look at yourself, or indeed family members and intellectually know who they are, but not "feel" it emotionally.

At times of DP I've had to look at myself in a mirror and tell myself who I am, who my family is, as if it's all going to vanish if I don't remind myself.

It certainly can be quite disturbing

[jayjoe18]

Thanks Mark that really helps :)