Feeling so depressed!!!

[ladymillion]

I am feeling so depressed due to argorphobia and panice disorder that i am now turning to alcohol to block it out. I feel terrible all the time and i also suffer from an underactive thyroid which means i am tired and depressed anyway!!! I am sick of feeling like this. I am now turning to alcohol which i dnt wanto do!! I hold down a full time job and hve done since i was 17! The symptoms are just getting worse. I feel suicidal everyday although i would never do nything to hurt myself as i love my family too much! My bf doesnt understand and is sick of me being depressed and not wanting to leave the house by i cant help it. He wants to go on nights out and then wont go if i do t which makes me feel so guily. I samt to die but i feel too guilty.

[AuntieMoosie]

Aww hun, I'm so sorry that you're suffering like this.

I too suffer with depression/panic disorder and agoraphobia and it's the pits!!

Hun never give up, there is always positive things to come :)

Please stop the drinking, hun, it wont cure you, all it will do is give you yet another problem to deal with and that's not going to help you at all. I know how tempting it is to go down that road, but it is no solution.

What help are you receiving right now hun??

I would strongly advise you to go and have a chat with your doctor and really tell them just how dreadful you're feeling right now. They can and will help you hun. There's lots of medication they can give you to help lift your mood and there are other things they can do to help you with your anxiety/agoraphobia.

Unfortunately, when we suffer from these things, it will impact on those around us, I don't think they mean any harm, but it must be so difficult for them to watch and just not know what to do.

So hun, you're first port of call is your doctor, please try your hardest to not drink any more, what you need is medication hun and your doctor will help you with that.

Keep talking, you're not alone, there are always people here :) :hugs:

[Baggs]

Careful with the booze. I went down that route and it was hellish. If your life is that bad, then meds are the way to go. Duloxetine works for me and I ain't never coming off it. I wish you all the best.

Baggs

[Sparkle1984]

I remember you saying in a previous post that your doctor was refusing to give you medication. If you are feeling so bad you need to demand some, it's your right if you're depressed. Alcohol isn't designed for helping depression and it will make you worse in the long term. You are young and with the right help you can turn your life around. :)

[Tessar]

Hi ladymillion I'm sorry to hear how depressed you are feeling. A reflection of how hard it is for you is that you are turning to alcohol. Although this offers a means of blocking out your feelings & fears, alcohol unfortunately does not make you feel better. It will have the opposite effect nd even if in the short term it might seem to offer a solution, it will take it's toll on you both physicall and psychologically. It is important that you remain aware that alcohol is not the answer. I know I may make it sound so easy but I have seen what alcohol can do to people's lives so..... Moving forwards from today ..... the you do need to reduce your intake of alcohol, even if slowly and one day at a time.
I'm pleased that you have family you love, that is a real bonus for you (although right now it might feel an added burdern simply because you would not want to hurt them with any of this). Also your boyfriend is there to support you too but it will be hard for him to relate to your problems since he wont have been in the same situation himself. In addition to these people who can support you, What you do need is proper, structured professional help. You do need to seek help from your doctor. If you can be open with them & explain the depth of your problems, they have a duty to look after you.
Also you mention underactive thyroid. This condition can be managed providing your doctor monitors the levels in your system. Do you mind me asking if you've been prescribed medication for this? My partner has the condition & must take tablets daily. If she didnt, within 10 days she'd be feeling very unwell.
I'm intersted to hear more but as Auntie Moosie says "Keep talking, you're not alone, there are always people here".

[ladymillion]

I havent been on this for a while and didnt know that all of you kind people had replied to my post.....Thank you for all your help and support, it is appreciated!
I have made sure i am not going down the drinking road but i still feel terrible. I have been going to CBT since last July but this is the worst i have felt. CBT all makes sense to me but it is hard to put it into practice.

It is easy when i am with my therapist but when im left to do the work i feel too depressed to do so. It has helped me with a few things but i still have a long road ahead of me!

I feel like the agoraphobia is getting a grip of me and i know the worst thing i can do is give into it but its so hard not too.

Yes i am on 75mg of levothyroxine for my underactive thyroid but i always feel tired and depressed.

I have made an appointment to go back to the GP and i am going on the 25th of Jan to tell her i cant cope without medication. I think i need antidepressants. My life feels unbearable at the moment and i feel so guilty as i have a lot to be thankful and happy for. I just feel isolated.

[Tessar]

Hello ladymillion, when you're name popped up on this post I thought "I know that name", well of course I do since I read your thread on here before. Yes it's been a while hasnt it but I'm glad you've found everyones posts. It's a really lovely feeling when you see that people have come back to you about something that's feeling so troublesome. I've had the same experience here on this site myself. People freely give their support & unbiased opnions, they just want to help & so do I. Reading your story - there are elements that sound like me. Also sound just like thigns I've been through - especially the journey through CBT.
I'm so pleased you have been able to put the brakes firmly on the drinking road. That really is a very commendable achievement since giving anything up is difficult but alcohol is never going to be easy. It probably isnt easy to spot any improvement from not drinking but it is the right thing to do, really it is.
You've got so many issues going on - what you describe sounds very familiar to me. I can remember when I did CBT that all my issues and stresses seemed to build & build. I had such a peak of anxiety that I got signed off work. This gave me breathing space. During that time I started taking fluoxetine for the first time. I felt awful about having to do that, like somehow I had failed. Well, what I discovered is that I'd not failed in any way at all. Being signed off game time time to think properly for the first time in a while. I was able to put my mind into the CBT in a different way. It let me begin the process of piecing things back together in my life. The medication gave me a boost I was not expecting as I'd always been really scared of taking it in case it made me sick. I'd thought it was all part of me failing but actually it was the beginning of me turning my life around. Of course my experience is not the same as for you but I recall It really wasnt easy and I do relate to how bad you feel.
Remember what I said before - how good it is that you have family you love. That is a real bonus for you. I know they were perhaps adding to your burdern simply because you didnt want to hurt them but you are working so hard to get yourself better, given time you will get there. Its so hard when you feel this terrible to actually picture a time when you will feel better. Even a bit better. But you know, it can happen & if you continue to put in the efforts you are doing now, that time is going to come for you.
The thing with CBT (and therapy generally) as I have seen many other people say as well, is that often it gets worse before it gets better. Its a good step in the right direction that the CBT all makes sense to you. But you are right - it is hard to put it into practice.
One reason it is so hard is you're trying to change habits that have been formed over time. These habits get so deeply ingrained and become so automatic, that changing them and looking for alternative, more healthy and productive viewpoints is really not easy at all. You have to constantly challenge what has become second nature. That is quite a difficult task to accomplish & it takes much practice.
As I said, I relate so strongly to much of what you say. I remember I was just the same.... when I was with my therapist - she could just say such obvious things to me. I'd think "oh, why didnt I think of that, its so simple & straightforward". But just like you, when I left the security of being with her & had to do the work myself, it was pretty darned overwhelming sometimes. I'd want to think freely & clearly but my emotions were so strong it made it diffuclt. And yes very depressed too. I lacked any motivation but knew I had to apply myself somehow. Each little step. Sometimes the simplest of things I did, like say hello to someone in the street because they smiled at me. Making myself smile back. Thinking sometimes how ridiculous it is that life had come to this - that just smiling was an achievement.
I had a notebook to put these things in. Thought records to fill out. I'd give my therapist some of the written work & she'd go over it. Again she'd make suggestions & I'd sit there & think, oh I didnt think of that. I'd wonder if I was every going to get the hang of it. Well, your're right. Absolutely right. It is a long road but it's one you are already on. It takes on you on a journey that involves ups and downs. I wont deny there will be downs. That's probably what brought you back to this site again because the downs are still coming. What happens gradually (and it is very gradual) is that the downs are steadily replaced by ups. You start making things happen for yourself. Some of the things are so simple, like I describe above that once you're doing them, they slip past without you noticing. Soon you are achieving something bigger and better. Maybe one day you find that you can conquer your agoraphobia a bit better. That grip has lessened slightly and you feel empowered to battle it more the next day. Yes you'll perhaps have days when you dont want to battle. That's ok. Providing you hold where you are. My therapist told me to think of it as climbing a mountain. I would need to stop sometimes & take breath. There's nothing wrong with that as long as I dont turn back down the hill. So, maybe you arent actually giving in, more so the battle has commenced & its taking alot out of you.
Believe me also that having an underactive thyroid isnt to be sniffed at. My partner was laid so low with that she couldnt walk anywhere or do anything. Even a simple housework task like vacuuming was beyond her. It was like a miracle when finally the meds were sorted.
Youre right to have made that appointment with your GP. Roll on the 25th. Make sure you do tell her exactly how you feel. jot a few notes down coz if you're like me, you might forget something important as it's quite a big deal sometimes seeing the doctor. Like any pill antidepressants arent a wonder cure but I'm sure you will find they do benefit you.
Oh and please, dont feel guilty. Guilt is a horrible emotion; I have stuggled with it alot. You have absolutely nothing to feel any guilt over whatsoever. Really you dont. You're right to recognise you have a lot to be thankful and happy for - but as you say yourself, you feel isolated. Its horrible feeling that way. This is what depression does to you. It takes your realistic side & sort of messes with it. That's why its hard to contend with. I do know because its something that afficts me too. So, Ladymillion, here's to helping get you better. Remember what Auntie Moosie said in her post.... "Keep talking, you're not alone, there are always people here".
Whether its to say you've had a better day, something went right for you or that you are feeling pangs of loneliness or frustration, anger, guilt etc - what ever it is - get yourself back on here & post away coz there are so many lovely friendly people here they'll really want to help you get better.

Bye for now and please keep in touch. xXx