Feel I'm letting my family down:(

[Bonnibelle]

I had no idea where to post this as I've a mixture of anxieties recently.

I'm 33, married with 3 beautiful children, they are my absolute world and I adore them so much.


I've had anxiety since I was 19, it just comes and goes, always been about my health and I've coped. 8 years ago after my second child was born I took medication for health anxiety and depression. I was at my lowest point so I gave into medication and I had CBT. It helped and since then I've suffered anxiety blips here and there but coped fine, I only took meds for a year and they helped at the time.


The year hasn't been good for me. I'm crying as I type this so I'm sorry for any typing errors, I can't see too well, lol! In January I started with female issues which went on for 6 months, I eventually started the pill and now I'm totally fine which is great. That 6 months though wasn't nice feeling so drained from heavy bleeding, tests, appointments etc... My anxiety was a bit high. Then suddenly in July my lovely Nan died suddenly from pneumonia, I've never got over losing her and I cry for her daily. We were very close and I'd even go as far to say she was like a mum to me when my mum wasn't. I had a tough childhood and my nan was always there for me.


I noticed after my nan died I wasn't myself, I stopped sleeping, tearful, I became quite withdrawn...... But then in September my brother started making accusations that I'd 'grassed' him to social services for hitting his son. It caused me immense stress. He has serious issues, he's on meds but they don't work. He's out of control with his anger, last year he came to my house punched my husbands pulled my wall down, told my son to F off (my son abs since suffered awful anxiety). I cut my brother and his fiancée off as they were making me ill. He trashes his house, threatens people, threatens to kill himself.......I could go on, he's not a nice person. It's day in September he rung me being so nasty, then I passed him later on in his car and he swerved to run me off the road. I went to the police station for safety, I was on my way home. He ran into the station and went to attack me, scaring me to death. He was arrested and he's now not allowed near me.


My so called family haven't helped. They all felt sorry for him saying he's ill and paranoid and even though he has hit his son etc... He can't help it. My sisters cut me off and my mum took his side despite me being the one hurt and traumatised. My mum saw sense and apologised, she and her partner laid into my brother about it. He also out threats to have me killed on his Facebook and twitter, all very frightening,


After that day I stopped going out more and more. I now struggle to go out of the house, I can't sit down and watch TV without tapping my foot with anxiety, I hold my body and head tense 24/7, I'm jumpy over every noise, I can't watch TV if anything is violent or raised voices, I'm scared of every symptom I have, I've constant anxiety....... It's a living nightmare.


I gave in and took my GPS advice and started anti depressants on Friday. I can't take SSRI meds after an allergic reaction so I'm back on Dosulepin, which I was on 8 years ago. Im only on 25mg and my GP thinks they will help me very soon. The only thing is they are raising my anxiety because they aren't advised to prescribe these anymore due to their danger in overdose (which obviously I'm not going to do) and also affects on the heart (cardiac arythmia) I had palpitations last night and this morning, I scared myself silly and ran to my GP panicking, saying I can't be on meds that have these dangers:( He tried his best to reassure me, he said I need meds now and counselling to get over the traumas I've been through, I agree but I'm so scared the meds will make me worse:((


In the last 2 weeks I've also been suffering with a tight heavy, warm back of the head that feels so heavy and warm that it makes me woozy when I walk,also my legs are heavy. GP said its anxiety but me being me I am concerned why my head feels warm just down the back, why I feel woozy and like lead:( feels like I'm walking on a moving bus:/ Can anyone relate?


I just feel so sad. I love my children, they are my world and I want to be me again for them:((( what if I can't? What if I let them down and these meds kill me or make me even more unwell?


My husband goes back to work Wednesday and I'm dreading it, I will be lost without him:( he's been great.


Thank you all for listening if you got this far, I just really needed to get out how I feel:((((

[panickyme]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I wish there was something I could do that would help you feel better. I as so glad you wrote your brother out of your life, you definitely don't need that. ( no wonder you are a nervous wreck) Anxiety has gotten to you, and I truly believe (although not a Doctor) you are really anxious with all that you have been through. Anxiety/panic is cruel, and can really make us feel so bad. I think you will be fine on that medicine, under your Doctors care, he will monitor you, and counseling will do you wonders. Your children are very lucky to have a mommy who cares so much,and you will find the strength to be there for them. You need to take care of you right now, and you will great for them. I hope everything works out for you, and I will be here if you need to talk. Try to have a Happy New year!!!!! Sending you a big hug. :hugs:

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate it, I'm having an awful night with my anxiety and symptoms worrying me.

Hopefully 2013 will be a better year and I will feel better soon xx

[panickyme]

Anytime, I hope it gets better for you, but know that you are not alone, there are really good people on here, and great post also, that might help you feel better. :hugs:

[Annie0904]

After reading all that I am not surprised you are so anxious, bless you, you have gone through so much. The world can seem like such a cruel place sometimes. You have a beautiful family and I can tell you are an excellent Mum. have you had any counselling such a CBT? I really think this will help you. I am starting intensive psychotherapy in the New Year as I have also had a lot going on in the past that needs dealing with. Your Nan sounds like she was a lovely person and I am sure you have many treasured memories of her. big hugs :bighug1::bighug1: xx

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Pearl I sorry that you are suffering form depression and anxiety. My Father died last year and his elder sister in her eighties will no longer talk to us. It is a dreadful situation and another Aunt has decided that she doesn't want anything to do with us.His cousin who he grew up with is in a nursing home and his wife has not turned her back on us. You might need some counselling to deal with your bereavement. It would appear that your brother is not in any position to have a 'normal' relationship with you at the moment. That might change some time in the future. I have previously taken high doses of dothiepin 175mg- 200mg for fourteen years. I have become well from serious suicidal depression and anxiety. I have been well for four and half years now. I am currently taking lithium and mirtazapine. I wish you well. EJ

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you all xxx it's so nice to know I've support because right now I feel so alone, I've only got my husband:(((

Annie, yes I had cbt years ago which helped for health anxiety. I've been referred for therapy (gp told me last week he'd referred me) and I've had counseling with a psychologist to deal with my childhood. My dad was always out drinking, my mum struggled and I had to help bring up my siblings from a young age. I saw alot of violence and got caught in it often being the eldest. My family are very fiery and they always fight and shoot, very hot header. It's only me and my younger sister that are relaxed and nice, we don't lash out.

I really hope Dosulepin helps me, I'm scared it won't:(((( I'm so scared of the heart problems it can cause:((( x

[Annie0904]

You must stop worrying about it causing heart problems. My GP isn't even worried about that with me because he says it is only in overdose and he knows I won't do that. Try to be positive, you have done so well even though you have had so many problems in the past you are a really strong lady and you are bringing your children up so well. Think of 2013 as the year you are going to fight this anxiety. I woke up yesterday and told my husband that I am not going to let my past ruin my present or future any more. I know it isn't going to be easy and it may get worse for a while with the therapy but we can do this, we really can. xx

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you Annie, you're lovely. We can do this. I keep saying to myself, what other option do I have, it's fight it or give up and I won't do that to my children.

I'm just panicking at the moment about the warm feeling down the back of my head, it's warm, tight, heavy and achy, it sends me off balance and I can't Leo but worry about it today:( xx

[Annie0904]

You were very tired last night and it could be from that, I am feeling a bit the same myself tonight but I didn't sleep well last night...thought I was going to end up in Oz it was so windy! having a quiet night in tonight. our neighbour invited us over but we have decided to stay at home x

[Bonnibelle]

I don't go out anyway;) Quiet night with hubby and the twiglets as I call them is perfect for me:)) x

[Evedawn]

Oh you poor lady! What alot u gave had to deal with. You sound like u r such a very,very good mum and wife. U
Will get thru this "eventually" and u ... And ur lovely children will be stronger for it. There may even be a time in the future where u can help others in a similar situation .... Keep strong. You ARE strong!!!

[Tessar]

HI Pearl, I felt drawn to read your post as it mentioned 'family'. It's lovely to hear you describe your family so warmly and that they are your absolute world. That's so wonderful. From what you say, you've come a long way over the years & have had much to contend with. Anxiety & depression are so debilitating. Its always disappointing when symptoms re-appear, I suppose if you've been there before, you know what's coming. oh, Dont worry about typing errors - sometimes I'm really accurate & make load of effort, other times I leave typo's & stuff all over the place. It just depends on how I'm feeling I suppose. Right now, things like that are the least of your worries. I'm glad you've found this site though because there are many, many lovely people here who can help you and provide reassurance & support.
Female issues are such a nuisnce & if they went on for 6 months that must have been really draining for you. So on top of that, just when it seems everything's going back to normal, you suffer an unexpected bereavement. For you to lose your lovely Nan so suddenly must have just been awful. That you cry for her daily is a mark of how much she meant to you. I always believed my granny would be there forever so it was a shock when she was gone. Like you with your Nan she was also close to me also. I think it's wonderful that during a tough childhood your nan was there for you (especially in the absense of closeness with your mum). That must have been so supporting at a difficult time. Cherished memories. There will be a time in the future when you can look back, still tinged with sadness I know, but you will always have your Nan in your heart. All your memories will still be there & so will she.
I believe the things happening to you are all part of the bereavement process. So while dealing with that, it's unkind of your brother to start making accusations. From what you describe though, he isnt capable of rational thinking. If I were in your shoes I'd find him pretty darn scary too so it doesnt surprise me at all that you had immense stress over it. He sounds like a really nasty piece of work, really he does. What he did to you is just awful. All that extra to go through at a time when already you are dealing with so much. It makes me feel angry what your brother did to you. As for your family ... well what can I say? Amazing how amongst all the trauma you have been through they seem to have skipped over that & stright away taken to feeling sorry for your brother. That would annoy the hell out of me - their attitude angers me. Its annoying when innocent people (like you) are caught up in something like this & then their family overlook their needs. I dont know what families do it but it seems a common occurence. They are wrong to behave the way they have, they should also have taken your needs into consideration.
It doesnt surprise me the impact it's had on you. You went thro such alot of trauma & it takes time to deal with that. Like you say it's a living nightmare. I'm really hopeful the medication is going to make a difference for you & you've been brave going through with it. That takes guts. I dont blame you at all for seeking reassurance from your GP, that was the right thing to do. I relaly do believe that counselling is a good way forward because you'll get the support & understanding you need. It will be healing for you. I've been on & off meds myself & totally relate to fearing they will make you worse. I looked up Dosulepin & it does say its good for people with insomnia so that's a positive for you. I know there's always that time when you first start taking meds that worries come up but Hopefully if you can keep going with them, they will start to help soon. The other symptoms you describe are probably down to anxiety & stress. I can relate to the woozy bit for sure. I'm sure I've seen other sufferers on this site mention stuff like that too. Anxiety is responsible for so many symptoms.
Well pearl, I know you are feeling sad right now & its very natural indeed to fear that you might not be yourself again and With such a mixture of things happening it's understandable. But you are NOT letting anyone down, quite the opposite in fact. Despite it all you are making inroads into helping yourself. Over time you will begin to heal both physically and in your mind. You will feel more confident again and the joys of being a mum and of being yourself will return - which will help the people you love: your lovely children & supportive husband. The worst thing I have found about depression is its so hard to believe positive things & that change for the better might happen. But each time I have found myself down in that dark hole, things have changed & I have got better. In time and along with medication & counselling too you can get better as well.
So, on Wednesday, dont forget you can post on here. It'll offer you company & support. I know people arent always able to respond straight away but they will be around. For me sometimes, just posting something on here helps me feel I'm not alone. I know that someone will read it. I'm back to work as well on WEds but will check in to NMP. Til then my friend, try to keep your chin up & give your lovely family lots of warm loving hugs because that will help you too xXx

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you Eve, your reply is lovely and much appreciated xxxx

QUOTE=Evedawn;1094626]Oh you poor lady! What alot u gave had to deal with. You sound like u r such a very,very good mum and wife. U
Will get thru this "eventually" and u ... And ur lovely children will be stronger for it. There may even be a time in the future where u can help others in a similar situation .... Keep strong. You ARE strong!!![/QUOTE]

---------- Post added at 19:47 ---------- Previous post was at 19:41 ----------

Tessar,, thank you so much, such a thoughtful reply. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I'm hoping I will get better for my family, I want to be the girl I was.

I'm also full of so much anger towards my brother and u guess my family for how they've treated me. It's been so hard to realise you mean so little.

My sister found out I was ill, she text saying 'hope you're ok' so I replied pouring my heart out saying I was ill with anxiety and couldn't leave the house some days. She ignored it:((( My mum was disgusted and had a row with her about it, my sister lashed out and said I wasn't agoraphobic and I was attention seeking:((( in her words 'I'm keeping out of it'. It's hurt alot, recently she suffered a scare during her pregnancy and she asked for my support, I helped her through a week of hell, so for her to say that about me when I'm so ill is really upsetting.

Then ok Christmas Eve she text me being nasty because my brother, who I've not seen in 3 months, went to visit our gran. She had a go at him for what he's done to me. My sister text lashing out saying I shouldn't have told my dad or gran what my brother did to me. She was so nasty and it tipped me over the edge at Christmas.

Sorry to ramble on. Thank you for your support xxxx


HI Pearl, I felt drawn to read your post as it mentioned 'family'. It's lovely to hear you describe your family so warmly and that they are your absolute world. That's so wonderful. From what you say, you've come a long way over the years & have had much to contend with. Anxiety & depression are so debilitating. Its always disappointing when symptoms re-appear, I suppose if you've been there before, you know what's coming. oh, Dont worry about typing errors - sometimes I'm really accurate & make load of effort, other times I leave typo's & stuff all over the place. It just depends on how I'm feeling I suppose. Right now, things like that are the least of your worries. I'm glad you've found this site though because there are many, many lovely people here who can help you and provide reassurance & support.
Female issues are such a nuisnce & if they went on for 6 months that must have been really draining for you. So on top of that, just when it seems everything's going back to normal, you suffer an unexpected bereavement. For you to lose your lovely Nan so suddenly must have just been awful. That you cry for her daily is a mark of how much she meant to you. I always believed my granny would be there forever so it was a shock when she was gone. Like you with your Nan she was also close to me also. I think it's wonderful that during a tough childhood your nan was there for you (especially in the absense of closeness with your mum). That must have been so supporting at a difficult time. Cherished memories. There will be a time in the future when you can look back, still tinged with sadness I know, but you will always have your Nan in your heart. All your memories will still be there & so will she.
I believe the things happening to you are all part of the bereavement process. So while dealing with that, it's unkind of your brother to start making accusations. From what you describe though, he isnt capable of rational thinking. If I were in your shoes I'd find him pretty darn scary too so it doesnt surprise me at all that you had immense stress over it. He sounds like a really nasty piece of work, really he does. What he did to you is just awful. All that extra to go through at a time when already you are dealing with so much. It makes me feel angry what your brother did to you. As for your family ... well what can I say? Amazing how amongst all the trauma you have been through they seem to have skipped over that & stright away taken to feeling sorry for your brother. That would annoy the hell out of me - their attitude angers me. Its annoying when innocent people (like you) are caught up in something like this & then their family overlook their needs. I dont know what families do it but it seems a common occurence. They are wrong to behave the way they have, they should also have taken your needs into consideration.
It doesnt surprise me the impact it's had on you. You went thro such alot of trauma & it takes time to deal with that. Like you say it's a living nightmare. I'm really hopeful the medication is going to make a difference for you & you've been brave going through with it. That takes guts. I dont blame you at all for seeking reassurance from your GP, that was the right thing to do. I relaly do believe that counselling is a good way forward because you'll get the support & understanding you need. It will be healing for you. I've been on & off meds myself & totally relate to fearing they will make you worse. I looked up Dosulepin & it does say its good for people with insomnia so that's a positive for you. I know there's always that time when you first start taking meds that worries come up but Hopefully if you can keep going with them, they will start to help soon. The other symptoms you describe are probably down to anxiety & stress. I can relate to the woozy bit for sure. I'm sure I've seen other sufferers on this site mention stuff like that too. Anxiety is responsible for so many symptoms.
Well pearl, I know you are feeling sad right now & its very natural indeed to fear that you might not be yourself again and With such a mixture of things happening it's understandable. But you are NOT letting anyone down, quite the opposite in fact. Despite it all you are making inroads into helping yourself. Over time you will begin to heal both physically and in your mind. You will feel more confident again and the joys of being a mum and of being yourself will return - which will help the people you love: your lovely children & supportive husband. The worst thing I have found about depression is its so hard to believe positive things & that change for the better might happen. But each time I have found myself down in that dark hole, things have changed & I have got better. In time and along with medication & counselling too you can get better as well.
So, on Wednesday, dont forget you can post on here. It'll offer you company & support. I know people arent always able to respond straight away but they will be around. For me sometimes, just posting something on here helps me feel I'm not alone. I know that someone will read it. I'm back to work as well on WEds but will check in to NMP. Til then my friend, try to keep your chin up & give your lovely family lots of warm loving hugs because that will help you too xXx

[Tessar]

Hi Pearl - i wondered how you're doing today? I'm not at all surprised about your anger, it can be quite hard to channel it in a healthy manner. I wouldnt say that I have anger issues, quite the opposite in fact as I generally stay very calm. But then that means the anger stays deep inside me. You're best off getting that anger out sooner rather than later if you can - in a positive way of course. I'm also not surprised how hard it's been to realise you mean so little. People can be very hurtful sometimes - but families especially. Of course there are also very kind famillies out there too and in amidst unkind families there are sometimes kind people, its just more difficult when they are in the minority. Sounds like you are that kind person to me. All you did for your sister as well & still she lashes out. I'm not sure what might be behind it but maybe she is scared. That still doesnt give her the right to treat you that way. Plus, there is no way people can deny you telling other family members what you want. My view is "so what if you told your dad or gran what your brother did to you". She cant tell you what to do. My mother still, even at 82, winces about "family secrets". Its ridiculous. I no longer let her dictate to me. I am an individual and a grown up. If she doesnt like that I am free to do as I wish, that's tough. You want to be doing what's right for you and your family. By family I mean you, your husband and children (not your mother, sister etc). You didnt ramble on. I'm glad you're finding your voice and having a place here to air your thoughts & feelings as getting them out is really important. Hopefully today wont be too stressful for you.... bye for now T.

[Bonnibelle]

Thanks Tessar.

I'm not too bad today, feeling a bit calmer than I was, which is promising. No tears today!!

Yes I've anger towards my brother but I don't hurt anyone, scare them. Etc....... Like my brother does. I bottle things up and suffer in silence. Having this site and support is amazing.

My husband really wants us to consider the move to Australia, he'd always had this dream which I've refused to do as I didn't want to leave my family. He thinks we need a fresh start away from them and the bad memories but its a very tough choice.

Thanks for asking how I am today x

[Tessar]

Hi Pearl, That's really good you were feeling a bit calmer than you were, indeed it's promising. Of course its up & down as we know so you might still have days where your tears come again but thre is nothing wrong with that at all as it is a release. Those emotions & frustrations need to come out.
You sound just like me about bottling it up. You're bound to have anger towards your brother even if you arent the type to hurt anyone. You need a way of channelling that anger outside yourself. Be that exercise, writing etc. This place is very good for airing your feelings, views etc. Just getting it out of my head is useful and another form of release and of course a by product of sharing how you feel is that people here provide support too which I have found amazing.
Regarding the move to Australia, it is worth considering. Even if you think it through but decide it's not for you, there is no harm in that whatsover. I recall when I was doing CBT, my therapist suggested to me looking at altnerative jobs. As she said, I could take a look at the job market & see if anything catches my eye. Even if I dont act on it, it's an exercise I can go through which could be empowering & help me see that I can make changes in my life if I wanted to. As it happens I did go to some interviews & even though I didnt move jobs as a result, it hugely improved my confidence. It helped me believe in my abilities & refreshed my confidence in making decisions for myslf & not just accepting life as it is.
Maybe it is just a dream foryour husband but even talking about dreams can be refreshing. For you both it would probably be a welcome change away from current troubles, of which you have many. I can appreciate you wouldnt want to leave your familybut quite frankly, its them who would miss you more I feel.
A fresh start away from them and the bad memories does sound attractive. Whilst its a very tough choice, believe me at the time I finished therapy, if I'd had an opportunity to do something like that I'd have given it serious thought. I have an aunt who lives in that part of the world & if I'd had a chance to move maybe 15 yrs ago, I really think I'd have taken it.
Well, here's to hoping that you are feeling ok.... & if not, dont forget that bottling it up is not a good idea, you need to release those feelings & frustrations. You can offload here anytime (and by PM to me if youd like also).

[Bonnibelle]

Thanks Tessar, I just fear that if I can't even go into Tesco to do a shop, how can I moe to the other side of the world:-(

To think 2months ago I could go anywhere:-( I am upset as today I tried to go into Tesco but couldn't and came home. I am so annoyed with myself for letting my anxiety stop me doing normal things with my children, and for my children. I needed bread for lunch, now I worry what will I give them for lunch if I have no bread for sandwiches. I feel so stupid.

I want to get away and have a fresh start but fear I just can't because this illness has taken hold of me.

[Tessar]

HI Pearl, Wondered how are you doing now it's the weekend? I managed to go all the way to NZ which was a minor miracle for me (that was only about my 5th flight in my life). It was for a month's holiday. Long, long flights but I made it there & back. Its amazing when there's a pupose to things how you can manage them. Really, if I had my time again I seriously would consider moving there

One way for you to look at it is that yes, 2months ago you could go anywhere & going into Tesco was an anxious time for you but - there is every reason for you to belive that you can be yourself again. REally, there is. The stuff you've been through lately was very stressful & most people wouldnt have managed as well as you.

At the moment the illness may have taken hold but you can change that. It'll take time & effort but will be so worthwhile once you start to feel better. Anyway, let me know how you are.