I feel so belittled

[Sparkle1984]

I've just got back from a new year's party. There were 4 of us in our group - me, my friend, my friend's work colleague, and the colleague's husband.

Before we walked to the party, we all had something to eat and drink. I told my friend that I can't have alcohol due to my medication, so I'd be having soft drinks all night. I'd told her this a couple of months ago when I last went on a night out with her, but she had forgotten so she asked me what the tablets are for. I felt uneasy answering that in front of my friend's friend (work colleague) and her husband, but anyway I told the truth and said anxiety.

Then my friend said she's glad she's not on these tablets (I know she likes drinking a lot). Then my friend's friend butted in and said that she wouldn't want to take them either. I thought that's all well and good for her - she's not the one who had to suffer constant intrusive thoughts. Then the friend's friend said that whenever she feels bad, she just deals with it. So I replied that I'm hoping to come off the medication in 2013 as I've learnt lots of coping techniques, and that I'll be seeing my doctor again in a month's time to discuss this. But then my friend's friend said "oh, doctors prescribe these tablets to anyone regardless of whether people actually need them!"

That comment really hurt me - it felt as if my friend's friend was implying that this isn't a real illness, or that I didn't really need the help I've been receiving. She doesn't even know me that well, and she hardly takes any notice of me, yet somehow she's an expert on my medical needs! My own friend didn't really back me up, but I don't think she really understands anxiety. So then I said to this girl "i did really need the tablets as I was in a really bad way." As I reached the end of that sentence, I felt my voice starting to crack up a bit. She didn't say any more and there was an awkward silence. No apology or anything!

I then felt scared that I was going to have a panic attack in front of this girl and that she'd think I am crazy. I kept feeling like I was going to burst into tears, and a couple of waves of nausea shot through me. I felt tense and jittery - I tried to distract myself by looking at my phone, and I didn't want anyone to see my face in case they noticed I was upset.

Thankfully I made it through the night, and even though this girl's comments kept playing on my mind, I still managed to enjoy myself.

Was this girl being insensitive or do you think I misunderstood her comments? I don't understand why she butt in in the first

---------- Post added at 02:38 ---------- Previous post was at 02:35 ----------

Sorry, the last sentence should end with "in the first place." Phone playing up!

[swgrl09]

I never know how to handle it when people ask ... I felt awkward enough talking to my immediate family about it even though I knew they had been on meds too.

It must have been really hard for you but good for you for getting through and sticking it out. Also good for you for being honest and open about what you have been through. Not all of us are that brave!

Honestly, when I read your post, I interpreted her statement on doctors prescribing them as possibly an attempt to make you feel less embarrassed? Does that make sense? Like to make it seem like less of a big deal that you are on anxiety meds by minimizing it ... I didn't read it as anything malicious. But I could be wrong too, I didn't hear her tone of voice when saying it.

Like I said, you did an awesome job being brave and opening up about it. I don't have that courage yet even though meds have helped me a lot. I still shy away from telling people, especially those who I am not close to.

:hugs::hugs:

[rubymolloy]

oh darlin...i was just going to post on here about insensitivity in other people too. .when i just saw your post.
it can and does feel so bloody lonesome sometimes, and over this 'festive' period it seems to make me feel worse.
i too wished for a hole to swallow me up tonight, for different yet similar reasons....
we are not alone, at least we have each other :)
people just dont think before they speak....im seriously considering becoming a recluse to avoid all the pain i have to endure each time i try to mix....i semi-jest....
take good care of you...i care that you feel hurt, i really do....im playing maj jong in an attempt to stop my repetative thoughts!!! i MUST be crazy!! lol, the game is an insult to my intelligence lol....xxxx

---------- Post added at 02:51 ---------- Previous post was at 02:49 ----------

ps, well done keeping it together! xxx

[Jojo1603]

Hi there and happy new year to you- I just wanted to add to
Your post as I feel strongly about this - I've had insensitive comments from people over the years but before I got ill I had no clue had debiliting depression/anxiety/Panic is so if I can take a positive out Of my situation is that it has taught me empathy , respect for other peoples problems and kindness - you r trying your best to get better by taking meds that's your decision others should respect that and keep there opinions to themselves - don't allow yourself to take these people's comments as 'baggage' and question yourself - start 2013 pOstively - all the best

[AuntieMoosie]

Hello Sparkle :)

I'm so sorry that you've been left feeling like this hun.

I too have had some very insensitive things said to me in the past about depression anxiety and panic.

I have 3 options of thought on it...

1) Maybe they feel embarrassed and just don't know what to say.

2) They're frightened of these conditions and feel more comfortable imagining that they don't really exist.

3) That they just don't understand these things because they're fortunate enough to have never suffered so because of that, they choose not to even try and understand it.

Or it could be a mixture of all 3 to be honest.

I very soon found out who my "real" friends were when, unfortunately, I suffered severe post natal depression following the birth of my Daughter way back in 1984. I had to be admitted to hospital as I was very unwell and I spent 7 weeks in there. When I came out and was trying to get my life back on track, these so called "friends" that I thought I had, just chose to completely ignore me, like I no longer existed, I'll never in all my life forget how that made me feel..........I felt like I was some sort of raving maniac or something.

Most times it's purely a lack of understanding, these people are scared because they just don't understand. Thankfully times are getting better, it's not all swept under the carpet so much now.

So don't feel belittled hun :) It's just she doesn't really understand.

Mental illness, no matter what form it takes, is nothing to ever feel ashamed or embarrassed by. It's an illness like any other, it's just it takes the form of a psychological rather than a physical illness.

There is also nothing whatsoever wrong with taking medication either. It's like I say to everyone, if you had a bout of tonsillitis you would go to the doctor and you would take antibiotics so what's the difference?? So long as they help you it just doesn't matter, they are helping you with your illness the same way that an antibiotic would :)

Please don't let her comment get on top of you hun :)

Sending you hugs :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[katz41]

sparkle you were brave to tell people about your anxiety, i only have 1 close friend who knows i suffer with it, i would never tell my work colleagues as they are a bunch of bitches and would never understand and are the least tolerant people on the planet, which is why im looking around for another job - i took the job thinking it would be less stressful and have less impact on my anxiety, how wrong i was, its made it as bad as it has ever been and i am now on propanolol as well as the anxiety has reached epic levels..:(
sad but true
well done you for trying to explain it to these people who would appear to have little or no understanding of anxiety, you know whats important to you, and i hope you feel better about things soon
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
katz

[Gotagetthroughthis]

People like that really annoy me. They "just deal with it". They have no idea unless they have been through this sort of thing. Many people will never experience the levels of anxiety that we go to where you feel there is no other possible way out other than medication. If you haven't experienced it then you don't understand it and you just think anxiety is like worrying about paying your bills or that you have a job interview, when infant it is this worry and more times a thousand. So I do understand why people act like this.

I was myself like this before and never understood when people talked about anxiety or depression but now I understand. Im not feeling sorry for us, but sadly for us and luckily for them we think a little differently through no fault of our own and this causes our anxiety issues. But the issues are very real.

[Arnie365]

Hi sparkle

So sorry this upset you. I agree you we're very brave to tell her. I've only told my wife and mum about it. I put a very brave face on things at work and nobody else has any idea which is so hard and probably not helping because I bottle it up in the day for release in the evening when I am worse.

I have to make a confession though at this point. This friends friend sounds a lot like I used to think before I got anxiety.

There have been a lot of people in both mine and my wife family who have had anxiety and depression. I was very arrogant about it as none of the things they were depressed about were 'serious' issues. The number of times I use to say (to myself no them!) oh for gods sake snap out of it. You have nothing real to worry about.

I just didnt understand the illness and it was pure ignorance nothing more.

In a strange kind of way I think having to go through this myself is making me a better person. My wife's mum still suffers from anxiety and depression and I've found I've gotten so much closer to her over the past few months than ever before because I understand her daily torment.

Cheer up Hun we all understand what you are going through sadly until you've lived it you have no idea what it's like x

[Tessar]

Hey Sparkle - you were amazing. Very brave & didnt hide anything. It takes guts to do that & if the people you tell cant handle it, well that's their problem. I remember many years ago one of my longest ever friends sending me a letter to say that she was taking anti-depressants. She was really worries about what everyone thought & I wonder if that's why she told me by letter. What was important then is that it really didnt matter to me in the slightest. She was still my friend (and always will be).
What I couldnt possibly have known then is that just two years later I'd be deeply depressed & doing CBT & on medication as well. I've never had a problem when people have had psychological issues or any issues in fact or disabilities etc. To me people have always been just that, people. In any aspect of life I've never understood why some people just cant accept others as they are. But now that I'm more experienced in life & have had my eyes opened to quite a few things, I can see that not everyone can cope with the fear of others being different. Or perhaps moreso it's a fear that they themselves are the ones who are different & they'd be too scared to admit it ever - because unlike you.... they havent got the courage.
I have had issues with taking the medication because in the same way I've felt that "it's not a real illness" or "I shouldnt need to & that I've failed". But thats just crap. Really it is. If someone has a headache, they take painkillers. Or like me recently - you have toothache ... so ... I took painkillers. The meds are just the same. They are helpful & allow your body and mind time to deal with what is going on. Its possible that the girl was just trying to make conversation because she was nervous & got it wrong or something. Perhaps bigging herself up in front of the others. Either way it doesnt matter really I have alot of respect for your achievement last night because you still enjoyed yourself.
For you to have all this happen last night but still enjoy yourself is a credit to your strength. When you're in that situation that you feel like the tears are about to come (let alone panic) then its a horrible feeling. Each time you endure something like this, it makes you stronger. People who havent had to contend with these situations dont have the same inner strength as you do.
Finally I would say that although it would be reassuring to know what was going through the others minds about this or what their motives were, that's something that doesnt matter. You are you, Sparkle. That's what matters. So what if you have some issues? You can decide when the time is right to reduce your meds, when YOU are ready. I used to get tied up in mindreading, wanting to know why people said or did things. It became way too important to me. Since I've just tried to be myself & not go too deeply into others thoughts & motives, I have become more free & relaxed. I still find myself wondering what they might be thinking but it's more of a fleeting feeling now that I notice but dont dwell on. I feel you too can make changes because you've already proven that, especially last night. Here's to a positive 2013 for you during which you can continue to build on the achievements you have already made.

[Magic]

Oh Sparkle,
So glad you got through the night:hugs::hugs:.not nice. insensitive person.not you.
Arnie it is a torment as you say.

[Col]

SOD PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

I think though as aggravating as people like this are, I once was one of these people. I used to hear of my auntie and a cousin " going down with their nerves " as my mum used to say & to be honest I was an ignorant cow. I think I thought people with anxiety problems were naturally nervous or attention seekers, I too didn't understand anxiety BUT now I've been through it for coming up to 2 years GOSH - I could slap myself across the face. I feel arrogant actually because I can't believe I was so narrow minded & I've always regarded myself as open minded and kind BUT I obviously wasn't. Paying the price for it now though!!!!!!! So I think it can be either that people are nasty/evil & go out of their way to but in BUT sometimes like I was, I think people are ignorant due to lack of knowledge or experience. I know ignorance is bad but I'm not nasty I was simply ignorant & immature.
Having said that the way your friends friend butted in could have been the alcohol OR shes just one of those people and in future I'd avoid being in her company again OR I'd pluck up the courage to be very outspoken and talk over her and everyone and tell her some facts and that it can be sooo bad people loose their families, homes and careers because of anxiety I'd then go onto say how ignorant people can be and say you wouldn't believe how people think anxiety is a joke etc. I'd talk about her but in an indirect and generalizing kind of way.

[jayjoe18]

Hey Sparkle, she was definitely insensitive, sorry to say but I really dislike people like that! You should never judge someone when you haven't experienced what they are going through, it's just rude. I'm sure if you had a broken leg she wouldn't be asking why you need to take pain killers! Sorry but it really annoys me, it's people like her that have made me so secretive about my own battle with anxiety. I would of been really upset too, but you should be really proud of yourself that you managed to carry on with your night without letting it upset you further and for being honest about it in the first place! I'm just sorry that you got such a horrible response! x

[Sparkle1984]

Thank you for all your support. I never expected to wake up to so many replies! :)

I do feel a bit better today, although it has knocked my confidence a bit. This incident has made me more reluctant to talk about my anxiety in future, especially in front of people I don't know too well such as my friend's friend. But I also know that stigma and ignorance has to be tackled in some way, so I do feel brave for having mentioned it in the first place.

There are a couple of things I forgot to mention in my original post - yesterday I was feeling fairly down anyway - my period is due to start at any moment and I have PMS which always affects my mood and anxiety in the days before my period. To be honest, I didn't really feel like going out last night, but the tickets had already been paid for (and they were quite expensive) and I'd already spent money on a fancy dress costume especially for the party. So if I hadn't have gone, I would've effectively wasted over £50. Plus new year's eve is only once a year and I would've felt like I had missed out if I hadn't have turned up to the party.

I have Asperger's Syndrome which makes it very difficult for me to judge other people's emotions and intentions. I often can't tell from people's facial expressions or tone of voice whether they are being serious, sarcastic or malicious. There have been several occasions in the past where I have misinterpreted someone as being malicious, but when I speak to someone else about an incident, they sometimes tell me that the person probably didn't mean me any ill will. So sometimes I get anxious or upset due to misunderstanding other people, and in any case people with Asperger's are more susceptible to anxiety and depression than the general population.

The reason why I interpreted this girl's comment as malicious is because of the way she said "When I feel bad, I just deal with it", as if to say that I am weak or crazy because I need extra help to deal with these things. So then when she went on to make her comment about doctors prescribing medication to anyone regardless of need, that made it seem even worse for me - as if she was saying that I should just deal with my negative feelings and that I shouldn't need help for it.

After we left the party, even my own friend said that she didn't like her work colleague's attitude that night - that she seemed a bit grumpy and she had said a couple of things that had upset her too (saying that she had a rubbish camera etc). So I'm not the only one, but as my friend doesn't have anxiety, she probably didn't find the girl's comments as distressing as I did. For me, if someone makes a negative comment towards me, I tend to dwell on it and feel upset and anxious, whereas other people tend to be able to "let go" more easily. A negative conversation can loop round in my head for hours!

I'm wondering if I should confide in my friend that the girl's comments upset me, or whether I should just leave it? My friend works with this girl, and has done for several years, but it seems like they don't get on as well as they used to.

[katz41]

i think if you can, move on and just chalk it up to experience, its hard i know as we all do, those of us with anxiety can't just switch it off but dwelling on it is only going to make you feel more miserable, trust me im an expert at obsessing about things!!!
:D as are most of us with anxiety i think!!:D
give yourself a massive pat on the back for coping in your own way and move on:hugs:

[wazza]

my tuppence worth = talk to everyone. you may be pleassntly suprised how many do understand, the ones that dont understand, ignore. wishing you the best in 2013

[starlight78]

Oh sparkle, when someone like you is brave and open like that you are standing up for all of us by trying to reduce the ignorance of others... Unfortunately some people are very ignorant!!

I had a good respected friend who I tried to explain my anxiety and depression to. He was pleasant but it was obvious he couldnt get his head around it. He replied with the whole 'I think I'm too self aware for that to happen to me, but poor you' kinda thing.
Recently he had a very difficult time and opened up to me that he was feeling scared and overwhelmed.... And he said he remembered talking to me years before and now he understands.
I wouldn't wish anxiety or depression on anyone, but I think you truly have to have been there to fully understand x x

[Tessar]

starlight78, wazza & katz41 - what brilliant advice -definite pat on the back for Sparkle - It takes real guts to face these things u r to be congratulated.

[serendipity_x]

I would have said thank you for your medical expertise, I feel confident enough to go without them now.

It's as if they think they have some secret knowledge the government is handing them out just to shut people up or something, which is in itself a form of paranoia.

[Tessie28]

Now, pull yourself together Sparkle!!!:winks: Tee hee. These people are just plain ignorant. I try to fairly honest with people but there are always those who know better - notice these people drink. Don't give it another thought. You are brave and sensitive to others' needs. xx

[Sparkle1984]

Thanks again for your advice. I do feel that it's probably more down to ignorance than malice.

This has got me thinking though - if 1 in 4 people in any given year will experience a mental health problem (according to the Mind website), why is there still so much ignorance about it? It means that even if someone doesn't suffer from it themselves, they will almost certainly have a relative or friend with depression/anxiety.

I personally feel that a lot of the ignorance is due to the stigma - ie that a lot of people think it's a taboo subject and don't talk about it.

This is what I think should be done to help reduce the stigma:
1) All high school students should be taught about the basic symptoms and potential causes of depression/anxiety. This could be included in the national curriculum for PSHE lessons (Personal, Social and Health Education). This would help people to recognise in the future if they could be suffering from anxiety or depression, and it could also help reduce stigma by encouraging people to talk about it more. Then if people have the symptoms, they will be able to get help earlier. When I was younger, I didn't understand what my symptoms were caused by and felt too scared to tell anyone.
I'm not sure how this can be achieved - possibly by starting an e-petition or writing to MPs? Would anyone be up for this?

2) If more celebrities could be encouraged to talk about their experiences with depression/anxiety, this could help reduce stigma and misunderstanding. I know it seems sad, but seeing as our society is so obsessed with celebrities, it could make a difference. I know some celebrities, eg Stephen Fry and Frankie from the girl group The Saturdays have already spoken out about their experience, but I think more need to do so.

If anyone has any other ideas, please feel free to add them. :)

[AuntieMoosie]

Yep I so agree with you Sparkle :)

We need to keep educating our kids on this very subject so that they learn that there is nothing wrong with having a mental health issue.

It truly does effect so many people, in all walks of life, no body is immune to it. My personal belief and opinion is that I feel it's the stress of the way in which we live now that has made this problem so much worse now. Everybody feels like they have to be "super someone"!! Super housewife, super mother, super father, super career person and on and on :) It's become a thing now that you're only successful if you're a "high flyer" and that is totally untrue. We are all successful in our own individual ways, we all have a lot to offer no matter what that is and every single human being is worthy no matter what :)

We also, I feel, need to concentrate and bring forward into the open the fact that there's one hell of a lot of men that suffer as well. They find it much, much harder than us woman to be able to talk freely about their feelings and they often end up feeling really isolated because of that.

I made such a big effort when bringing up my own Son to have him understand that it doesn't matter two hoots what sex you are, we are all humans and we all have the same emotions, men hurt just as much as women do and sometimes even worse.

Goodness!!.......look at me!!!......Moosie's got right on her soap box again :roflmao: