View Full Version : Hi, Advice please on a tricky situation
Hi all.
I am new to sharing my feelings so this is hard for me.
My problem is that I've been suffering from depression which requires medication for close to 9 years now. I was divorced about that time ago and met my current partner also.
My problem is even though my current partner, supports me in everything I do and helps me through the dark patches I can't help but still feel love for my ex wife. Don't get me wrong here I love my fiancée very much and I would truly be a mess with out her. i just can't help this lovesick feeling from a time gone by. I feel guilty for not giving the marriage the respect it deserved and I feel I've not had closure from it yet. i was young and so was she I blamed her for everything and now time has matured me I feel intense guilt that I feel the need to tell her it was not her fault but mostly mine for not seeing what I had until it was gone. This secret I have is causing my depression and anxiety and I hate it. I have 5 children 3 with my fiancée and 2 with my ex wife. Aside from the marriage my ex wife really can be nasty now, she neglected the children to the point I now have custody and I have every reason now to hate her with a passion but the hard fact is I don't hate her at all. I don't even pity her I just plain old fashioned Love her and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I think it's the fact I can never tell her this even if she throws it back in my face it would not matter what would matter is I got to tell her. I'm such a mess in my head but on the outside nobody would even know i was depressed I am a master of faces ever since I was bullied at school and I had to hide injuries from my father. Can any one please advise me of some home truths please. Thank you
Hi Melphor
thanks for sharing. Hopefully you feel even a little bit better by making this post?
Have you tried therapy for your issues? If not I really think talking it out may help you gain some closure on it.
Im afraid I cant really say much else other than it goes without saying you cant undo the past and regrets are pretty useless really.
Hope you find some good support on here.
Hi
I have tried going to see a counsellor but I felt I was treated more as a test subject then a person to be helped.
I know the past cannot be changed and yes I do want to talk about it but my partner is insanely jealous of my ex wife so I feel I've no one else to turn to.
Hi there, I have never been in your situation, but if a friend told me that story I would think it was to do with looking back to a time before the depression when you were happy and having regrets,sitting wondering what could have been.
When we are younger we are basically different people to who we are now, so when we look back with an older head and more knowledge we are bound to see things differently and feel we would make such a better young person now. ;) I think that is true of most of us.
If we feel guilty about something it does play on our minds and never trully goes away so you are right that could be contributing/ causing depression. It sounds like you need help in councelling to come to terms with your 'guilt' (justified or not ) The guilt mixed with genuine feelings for this peron who you clearly loved at the time will play havoc with your memories.
Maybe try to think that no matter what you did or how you responded at the time things might not have been different. It is easy with hind sight to think you could have changed the outcome, but actually it could be no matter what you did, you would still now be in this situation. You are only guessing what could have been as none of us can predict?
The fact that the ex hasnt turned out too well, even though she is now older and more knowledgeable is a sign that life would never have been ideal. At least you, with maturity can see the errors.
I think I would tell my new partner calmly that I feel in order to recover and not feel bad about the past that I needed to apologise for my part in the past to my ex. (An apology not a look to rekindle anything) Even if she doesnt like that, she wont stay angry for long, time mellows people so just put it out there and explain it. She is likely to respond with 'you have nothing to apologise for' I'm guessing, but you can explain it's something you feel you need to do.But if you do it secretly then you will have a new guilt which you dont need.
You need to find someone to talk to and express these things (even if it is just on here) because problems trapped in your head will get out of proportion and lose their reality. That is just my opinion ... you may now be thinking erm no thats not it :)
Take care and I hope you sort it
You could try another therapist? I guess Ive struck lucky as mine is fantastic and I found I could relate to her straight away. Most offer an introductory session FOC to see if you can work together.
You know what Rockydog I think you hit the nail on the head. I think I'm in love with the past not the present. My head appears trapped in a time when tablets and the shakes and panic did not happen in my life, and maybe I blame myself to much. Looking back in depth I cannot not say for 100% that if I had done everything right she would still have stayed with me. Her eye was always roaming about. It's hard to tell your own head to to accept what is and carry on. It seems the more I fight my head on this issue the stronger the feeling becomes. I know my current partner is 100% faithful as am I and I would never hurt her so I cannot speak to her about this it would hurt her to much. I just need to get closure in a way that's not going to damage the future.
Hi melfphor, :welcome: to nmp.
Ok, this is a tricky one. Let me ask you - what exactly would be different for you if you told your ex-wife? Is it like you feel you have to get this out of you to move on? I do understand that, but how would you feel if she just threw it back in your face, as you say she will? Would you feel any better? If you would, then maybe you should just say it and be done with it. You clearly do need some closure to help you move on, maybe there is another way to get it? Have you thought about writing a letter? Some years ago I had a few things I needed to say to someone, but couldn't do it physically. So, I wrote a very honest letter, put it in an envelope... then stored it away in a box of old stuff in the garage. I never actually sent the letter, but it helped me so much to just write it. I've looked at the letter a couple of times over the years, and now it provokes no feeling in me at all - I have moved on.
20 years ago, I was in an on/off relationship with someone. Whilst we were 'off', I found out I was pregnant - we got back together. It lasted maybe 6 weeks, then I couldn't cope any more. We split again, and a couple of weeks later I had an abortion. I am not proud of that, I hope I won't be judged for it. Anyway, I didn't discuss my decision with my ex, I waited until after it was done then called him to tell him. I was very cold, just told him the facts and hung up. 5 years later, I had a 1 year old baby. I hadn't seen my ex in all of that time. Suddenly, I found myself obsessing over him - I wanted to see him. I bumped in to him on a night out and couldn't stop thinking about him after that. I started acting like a crazy woman, driving around near where he lived and worked, hoping to bump in to him again. He was settled with a lovely girl, but I couldn't stop myself obsessing. I had no idea what exactly I wanted from him, I just wanted something! Eventually, I found his phone number and called. His partner answered, and fair play to her she passed the phone to him. I can't even remember what I said, I was so mixed up then. I'm telling you this because it may be something similar to what you are feeling yourself. I think in my case, I was looking for closure about the abortion, I think I needed to feel that in my ex's eyes, I was still a human being after doing such a terrible thing. Does this make sense? I guess it did help making that call, because it has not been an issue for me since...
I was single during all of this, there was no-one to hurt but myself. The last thing you want to do is upset your partner. Be very careful, think of your partner and children - they are what's important now. What I mean is, don't do anything drastic, keep it sane and realistic, and don't let it take over your life. Call your ex, write a letter - just say it and move on if that's what you need to do. This is to help you, not your ex (from what you say she doesn't deserve your help or pity). Like I said, I do understand the need for closure.
One last thing - do you REALLY still love her? Or is it that you miss the person you were back then (as in, not depressed)? You have guilt over what happened - guilt is a dangerous, destructive thing that can ruin lives - it needs to be dealt with. Home truths? You have an issue that you are ready to deal with, either accept what you did and forgive yourself, or tell your ex you're sorry. Just don't be surprised if her reaction doesn't actually make you feel any better. I really think it's the person that you were yourself that you miss, not your ex.
I hope this helps a little :hugs:
Thank you Angelai
I am really glad I came on here to find other people who understand makes me feel very relived. I do not judge people on there decisions You did what you felt you needed to do and that's that. My situation was I've heard nothing from her for nearly a year and then right before Xmas she text me about the children. It's since then I've not been able to rid myself of her mentally. A bit like you bumping to the ex on night out. Yes I think I do miss the man I was and the life I had. It makes sense when someone else says it back to you. I think I really love her but in reality 5 minutes in the room with her and that could changed rapidly. She still keeps my surname to have after 9 years and my heart flutters when I hear her voice or see her which confuses me but in think it's all linked to the past. I am confused the moment I think i do need to tell her and then that will be done with. I just need her to know she was not fully to blame for the marriage break down I feel I need to acknowledge my part to and then I can leave it at that.
Thank you for the replies you have helped.
Just be careful because females can be a tad tricky(female here) and depending on who she is she may use any apology against you and reveal it to your current partner who would feel extremely betrayed.
Your ex will know you were partly to blame as all her friends will have been telling her so ;) This is just a very sentimental time of year so that will also throw the balance of your thinking.
How about writing it all in a letter and getting it straight in your head, then destroy the letter and move on. Sounds nuts I know, but people say it helps :)
---------- Post added at 11:23 ---------- Previous post was at 11:21 ----------
P.S sorry I didnt read post above x
You are right also Rockydog, i do fear she will tell my current partner to cause argument. She is very good at manipulation. Which is why I can't understand why I would still love this person. I think I miss the man and life I was back then but still I do feel I miss her greatly. She's everything thats bad for me and I have everything thats good for me right here so why oh why do I feel I still love her. driving me bonkers.
It is just an idea in your head nothing more, bit like our young ideas of pop stars etc. In reality we have nothing in common with them or their life style. As a foster carer I see many children who feel this way, they have a love for a parent that is seriously misplaced and they dream of how life could have been if they had been different or if they were allowed to return to that parent. In their heads they love that ideal and that person, in reality nothng would have changed and they would be further hurt. This even carries on for 18/19 year olds its not naive little children and it isnt logical but then emotions arent logical. The more you worry about still caring for this person the longer it will stay in your mind. Accept you feel like that, but in reality, actually living with that person would be hell, dont fight it as it will just strengthen your feelings as fighting causes adrenalin and more anxiety. We all have secret feelings for people, but would never act upon them ;)
Wow Rockydog just Wow. That really does explain the whole thing right there. I am living a fantasy life in my head and feeling love for that reality. I think i shall try leaving it in my mind and let it stay there. All I need to do to make it better is to at least let her know my feelings about the marriage then if the guilty subsides all is well. x
Melphor, there's part of me wanting to say to you that the relationship your currently in, should not be happening. But, too much water under the bridge with this current relationship & children involved. You say your ex has neglected the children, maybe she's lost the will to live and maybe you know your relationship with her is the root of this as well? And maybe you talking to her would be closure for both of you & the future might allow her to have joint custody of the kids???? Don't get me wrong there is no excuse for child neglect, I've got kids but, just trying to bridge the gaps to why , she neglected the children & you still love her & you admit you did not appreciate what you had! So this women can't be all bad and obviously now your separated you can see your own faults clearly, which has resulted in this dire situation all round I think you should talk to her, tell her of your guilt and move on with your current fiancée. You can't go back you have a life with your current lady and children now & that would be a bigger mess and more children involved, if you started getting cold feet about this relationship. All the very best x
Hi Melphor, I am sorry you are feeling this way right now. I don't know much about your situation other than what has been posted on here, but I am wondering if you fully grieved the loss of your first marriage at all? It is a loss, a major one, and was such a large part of your life that it deserves that. Does that make sense?
Relationships are like living things, they are born, grow, and die eventually. Just like when somebody passes away, when a relationship ends it also needs to be grieved before you can have that closure. That's what I believe, at least.
Without knowing a lot about your private life, I am wondering if that might be why you still feel this longing.
Also please know that it is normal to feel more than one way at once. It is 100% possible for you to be totally in love with your current fiance and know you are in a better place now, while still having love for your ex. You had a large part of your life with that person. It doesn't mean you didn't make the right decision, just that you acknowledge and accept that both feelings can coexist and that is ok.
I hope that helped a little bit. Good luck :hugs:
Hi Melphor
You've already had some top advice in this thread and I'm not sure how much I can add.
However.....
A few years ago I was on the other end of this situation. The person I was with was still grieving for the breakdown of his marriage. He felt that it was all his failure (it wasn't - she didn't love him and had never loved him; she was too gutless to tell him until 12 years into the marriage, which utterly destroyed him). He didn't verbalise this, and he didn't seek counselling.
The guilt and regret was crushing and 15 months into our relationship, he said he couldn't be with me any more, which was devastating as I had literally given up everything to be with him (job, home - I'd moved 50 miles away etc etc).
Luckily for me though, he got over this and we are now married.
Moving on is possible, but you have to want to move on, and you have to accept that it's "OK" to feel regret and that it's a part of life.
If you haven't had success with the therapist you went to, I suggest you try someone who does CBT, as this will give you a clear structure to work with.
Hope this is helpful.
Melphor,
I have read and reread your opening post and some very good advice given by others.
To say your case is complicated would be an under statement.
Two words stick out for me. Guilt and rejection.
You have to get closure on this somehow as I feel otherwise you will never be rid of thoughts and feelings from your past.
Thank you all for the brilliant advice you have given me. I have since contacted my fiancée and told her I would like to clear past guilt and in doing so I may need to say things to my ex wife she will not agree with. She was not thrilled but understood so far. I reassured her it will go no further. Heres hoping.
Thank you
Thank you all for the brilliant advice you have given me. I have since contacted my fiancée and told her I would like to clear past guilt and in doing so I may need to say things to my ex wife she will not agree with. She was not thrilled but understood so far. I reassured her it will go no further. Heres hoping.
Thank you
Melphor, I think you've done the right thing. You are being clear and consise about this to your fiancée and you know now that you really do need to do something, to clarify to your ex and yourself the feelings you have. It might be you just need to say sorry and make her realize it isn't all her fault why your relationship ended the way it did. Also you may harbor the guilt even more because of your children you have together.
Ohhh it's sooo hard, Takecare but I think your moving in the right direction and there's only so many ways you can obtain closure to a situation like this, so just talking to you ex will hopefully make your head clearer and you can move on.
So people, I have my email to send to the ex wife and I have support from my partner to do this. it's already just to hit send so why am I now hesitating. Do I fear the reply, slowly going out of my mind if what should be a simple task. :(
You all gave sound advice and now I am in need of some more to make sense of this. I feel like I have 2 people in my head one thats saying go ahead it's what you want to do why wait and the other saying whoa there what do you hope to achieve from this. Stupid mental battles are worse than physical
Hi Mel, I think you should hit send & wait the response because then you can take the next step to closure , based upon what your ex does or doesn't say! Let's face it she might tell you , she doesn't want to know????
I'd just send it and whatever the response - you can decide on what to do next! Think of it as a strategy to gaining what you need to gain. Good luck
Im glad you told your new partner as that doesnt leave another complication if it comes out. Just leave the email where it is would be my suggestion, until you feel you want to send it. That way it will be controlled and on your terms, not something you have to ever to or something other people want you to do. Maybe its just enough to have written it down and cleared it from your mind. There is no rush, just give things time :)
Im glad you told your new partner as that doesnt leave another complication if it comes out. Just leave the email where it is would be my suggestion, until you feel you want to send it. That way it will be controlled and on your terms, not something you have to ever to or something other people want you to do. Maybe its just enough to have written it down and cleared it from your mind. There is no rush, just give things time :)
Yes that's true, just by writing it down, that's true:winks:
Hope you are feeling better :)
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