Joseph Martin
03-01-13, 00:59
Hi all,
This is my second post on here. Just to let you know I'm really not one for posting in forums so go easy on me!
As you can see, my name is Joseph and I've recently turned twenty. I would describe my life currently as going along well, 'progressing' you may call it. I've currently moved into my second year at college, studying Business, doing well at college and my ambition is to go onto university. I have managed to do quite a bit this year, passed my Advanced Driving Test and have, in the past week, got my first part-time job. I have a small group of close friends whom I trust and have a strong bond with. However, I haven't always been like this.
I left school at the age of eighteen and spend the forthcoming year of my life in what I can only describe as a hell. From severe bullying at school, I was unable to look for a job, had no future, no friends and could not even leave the house by myself. The only elements of the outside world which I ever saw was when I looked out of the window, or if I went out with my parents to the shops. That was it. What I had was an existence, not a life. In this time, I suffered from severe panic attacks, made all the worse by fortnightly appointments at the job centre (after which I took a week to recover). I was attending counselling sessions which did help, but it seemed that once I left the session, I was drained and couldn't remember half the things which I'd discussed. My motivation and eventual decision to go to college was made a constant feeling of "come on, you can't live like this" inside my head. Six months before I began my college course, I was placed in a programme for unemployed individuals under the age of nineteen. However, it seemed as if the group I was placed with was my direct opposite - mouthy, uncaring people who were the very same type of people who I had suffered under when I was at school. This further reinforced a feeling I had: "I must get out of here, I want to go to college".
When I was told that I was accepted into the college course of my choice, I was elated. Here was the start of my new life. But how could I go to college if I couldn't even set foot outside the house by myself! In the weeks leading up to the start of my course, I was able to begin to get on the bus by myself. This was helped by discussions with my counsellor, as well as a practice with my mum by going into Glasgow on one occasion, a couple of weeks before the start of my course.
As the days and weeks progressed into months of my college course, I became good friends with two guys and a girl, with the four of us enjoying time both in and outside of college. Despite the fact that one friend has left to go to university, we still remain good friends and still meet up at least once a week. I have subsequently made another friend who is in my class at college.
My birthday was in December and my friends had wanted to go out for a meal in order to celebrate. This made me feel a bit uncomfortable - so I wanted them to focus on it as a Christmas dinner as I don't celebrate my birthday.
In total, there was six of us (one friend came with his girlfriend), and the night was absolutely brilliant. Everyone went away feeling fantastic. I did as well. However, ever since the day after that, I have felt really detached. Really down. Three weeks later, I still feel somewhat strange. I don't know why, but I just want to burst into tears. I've spoken to one of my friends about how I feel, and he has told me that he can find himself with the same feeling - a feeling of depression after an enjoyable time. This feeling has been happening all the more regular with myself, especially after Christmas. I really cannot describe it. Whenever something good happens, I feel fantastic, as if I want to laugh, and then I feel as if I hit a very cold realisation, a feeling of desolation as if I don't deserve to feel happy. This will sound absolutely stupid but on occasion, certain senses, such as seeing certain pictures, or hearing a specific song on the radio, or a particular smell, can leave me feeling so depressed and upset. When these things happen, I can only liken it to being in a room full of people and still feel lonely.
Occasionally I panic, too. I remember how my life used to be, and I break into a cold sweat, in case I should ever fail at my ambitions, or end up how I was. I'm occasionally frightened in case I will lose good friends and end up lonely again.
I really apologise for giving you chapter and verse to read, and feel free to disregard my post if I'm completely misleading or off topic. I just felt I should give some background to what I've faced. I want to ask, now obviously you don't know me from Adam, but if I've described my life as going relatively well, then how can I feel so depressed?
Thank you.
This is my second post on here. Just to let you know I'm really not one for posting in forums so go easy on me!
As you can see, my name is Joseph and I've recently turned twenty. I would describe my life currently as going along well, 'progressing' you may call it. I've currently moved into my second year at college, studying Business, doing well at college and my ambition is to go onto university. I have managed to do quite a bit this year, passed my Advanced Driving Test and have, in the past week, got my first part-time job. I have a small group of close friends whom I trust and have a strong bond with. However, I haven't always been like this.
I left school at the age of eighteen and spend the forthcoming year of my life in what I can only describe as a hell. From severe bullying at school, I was unable to look for a job, had no future, no friends and could not even leave the house by myself. The only elements of the outside world which I ever saw was when I looked out of the window, or if I went out with my parents to the shops. That was it. What I had was an existence, not a life. In this time, I suffered from severe panic attacks, made all the worse by fortnightly appointments at the job centre (after which I took a week to recover). I was attending counselling sessions which did help, but it seemed that once I left the session, I was drained and couldn't remember half the things which I'd discussed. My motivation and eventual decision to go to college was made a constant feeling of "come on, you can't live like this" inside my head. Six months before I began my college course, I was placed in a programme for unemployed individuals under the age of nineteen. However, it seemed as if the group I was placed with was my direct opposite - mouthy, uncaring people who were the very same type of people who I had suffered under when I was at school. This further reinforced a feeling I had: "I must get out of here, I want to go to college".
When I was told that I was accepted into the college course of my choice, I was elated. Here was the start of my new life. But how could I go to college if I couldn't even set foot outside the house by myself! In the weeks leading up to the start of my course, I was able to begin to get on the bus by myself. This was helped by discussions with my counsellor, as well as a practice with my mum by going into Glasgow on one occasion, a couple of weeks before the start of my course.
As the days and weeks progressed into months of my college course, I became good friends with two guys and a girl, with the four of us enjoying time both in and outside of college. Despite the fact that one friend has left to go to university, we still remain good friends and still meet up at least once a week. I have subsequently made another friend who is in my class at college.
My birthday was in December and my friends had wanted to go out for a meal in order to celebrate. This made me feel a bit uncomfortable - so I wanted them to focus on it as a Christmas dinner as I don't celebrate my birthday.
In total, there was six of us (one friend came with his girlfriend), and the night was absolutely brilliant. Everyone went away feeling fantastic. I did as well. However, ever since the day after that, I have felt really detached. Really down. Three weeks later, I still feel somewhat strange. I don't know why, but I just want to burst into tears. I've spoken to one of my friends about how I feel, and he has told me that he can find himself with the same feeling - a feeling of depression after an enjoyable time. This feeling has been happening all the more regular with myself, especially after Christmas. I really cannot describe it. Whenever something good happens, I feel fantastic, as if I want to laugh, and then I feel as if I hit a very cold realisation, a feeling of desolation as if I don't deserve to feel happy. This will sound absolutely stupid but on occasion, certain senses, such as seeing certain pictures, or hearing a specific song on the radio, or a particular smell, can leave me feeling so depressed and upset. When these things happen, I can only liken it to being in a room full of people and still feel lonely.
Occasionally I panic, too. I remember how my life used to be, and I break into a cold sweat, in case I should ever fail at my ambitions, or end up how I was. I'm occasionally frightened in case I will lose good friends and end up lonely again.
I really apologise for giving you chapter and verse to read, and feel free to disregard my post if I'm completely misleading or off topic. I just felt I should give some background to what I've faced. I want to ask, now obviously you don't know me from Adam, but if I've described my life as going relatively well, then how can I feel so depressed?
Thank you.