View Full Version : Important realisation re: Bullying & people pleasing
Something happened just now that makes me realise what crap I have put up with in my life and am still putting up with at times. Whilst I havent allowed myself to be bullied since I completed CBT several years ago, I have made a realisation today that's quite an eye opener for me as I continue to "heal" from my past. OK, so I might not be letting myself get bullied anymore but I have realised I'm still allowing myself to be walked over to some extent by some people.
The simple thing was ...... a colleague offered me a cup of coffee. I prefer coffee from a machine we have in the office. When I said to him how I'd like him to make it, he couldnt be bothered. He offered me instant or nothing. The reason he irritated me is I've made him countless cups of coffee using machine & always made it was "the way he likes". That's be cause I'm considerate. He really touched a nerve. In an open plan office I couldnt say what I wanted to - "either you get off your ar$e & make me that drink the way I've asked, or you can forget me ever bothering to make you anything other than instant, you lazy g1t".
OK, not a big thing but at last it's made me see I do still let people take advantage. He's not a bad person but can be lazy & I've seen him dump on others in the office. Finally it makes me realise I dont have to put up with his crap or the crap of anyone else who in small ways tries to dump on me. I wont let this change my nature - I'll still be kind & considerate person but I can see (at last) I do still try to "make people like me" (even if I dont realise I'm doing it). I put up (here & there) with crap like this. I had to post to make sure I dont forget this new lesson in life for me.
I need to remember:
- I dont need people like him.
- I can quite happily live without his approval.
- I dont need to please him ever.
I do find it very difficult to shut off towards people or not do nice things for them (to go that extra mile). But I need to see what it is doing to me. Ages ago a colleague told me not to let them take advantage (exactly in this way). So at last I now realise I have nothing to lose from not nurturing a relationship with him or other people like him. Instead, I'll save that "little bit extra" for people who do show kindness towards me & do those little things that make the difference. It was such a simple thing that happened but such an important realisation. It's highlighted to me that I am still making efforts to please people when really I dont need to. This includes those who don't bother show the same levels kindness or even consideration back towards me.
I am just the same, I always think I have to please everyone, maybe that came form being bullied at school and in my first marriage so I always fear the consequences of what if I don't do what they say! I get more jobs given to me at work because of this. My boss knows I will do it when others will refuse :(
This reminds me that I need to re-read the "Assertiveness" handout my therapist gave me when I did CBT. I learned so much from it & recall it helped me see I dont have to put everyone else first all the time. Providing I take responsibility in life when it's appropriate - I'm still entitled to my own opinion & I dont have to justify myself to anyone either unless I want to. Maybe when you go back you'll be able to apply some assertiveness techniques & stop them taking advantage too.
I have just been out with my son to the supermarket and he started talking about his 'ex dad' and said how much he had put me through and he feels that he always has to please others also because if he didn't do things right when he was younger he was scared of how his dad would react (he was only 8 when we left, now 22). It makes me angry that he has had that effect on my kids also. Once when my eldest son was 10 we were in a pet shop and there was a hamster free to anyone who wanted it but with a warning that it bites. My son screamed and cried saying he wanted the hamster and I wouldn't let him take it. My second husband who I had just started seeing at the time was with us and he had to practically drag my son out of the shop screaming and shouting. A few years ago I asked him if he remembered that day and why he did it and he said "Yes, that hamster was like me, My dad abandoned me and the poor hamster was abandoned too" (my ex disappeared to avoid CSA and never wanted to see the children). It really upset me to hear him say that and I wish I had let him have the hamster!
Annie, think your son is brilliant. he has such a balanced understanding of what happened. That's amazing - also that he feels free to say these things too. Your eldest son, at aged 10 was clearly mature & even if he didnt get the hamster, how lovely he could apply his empathy & caring side even to a hamster at such a young age! I think they inherited your caring genes.
Saw my counsellor today.... & I discussed this coffee making incident. She said to me that even if I dont do extra things for people and take time to be kind, they'll still like me because I am nice. I guess i'm still of the mindset that I need to do these things for people to like me. But actually I'm ok as I am & dont need or have to do extra special things. People will like me for what I am regardless. I just need to remember that now. Before coming in to work, I went home to chill out. Quite often if it's been a hard session, I end up curled up in bed as it feels safe there. I set the timer for 30 mins so I didnt fall asleep. Meanwhile our new cat came to curl up on me. She's soooo cute, what a lovely thing for her to do (even after we've been stuffing pills down her throat and taking her to see the vet! She still likes us - so obviously my counsellor is right.... animals know best I suppose).
Oh, and this morning when he (my colleague) wanted coffee (when I was doing a round for everyone) he got instant coffee. no more posh coffee for him. It didnt make me feel great (as it makes me feel like I'm lowering myself to his level) but really, I'm not. I'm just realising I dont have to make him special drinks - as he isnt special to me, so why bother huh?
Tessar I am pleased that you were able to make your colleague instant coffee :D It is so hard when you have feared consequences. Animals seem to sense when we need comfort and they are good therapy for us. I start my intense psychotherapy next Tuesday and I am getting nervous about it. My sick note runs out on Friday but I am not sure that going back to work on the week my therapy starts will be a good idea. Will have to discuss it with my doctor. I hope your cat is healing well :hugs:
In terms of assertiveness, I realise that since making my original post here, I have become more assertive. I havent reached the levels I'd like to get to but compared to how I was a few months ago, there has been a vast improvement.
Instead of letting peole upset me, walk all over me, I have fought back a bit. If someome does something thoughtless, I have tried hard to let them see (gently) that I'm not pleased. I hate doing that as it makes me feel uncomfortable but I need to do it so that I dont feel as pushed around & frustrated.
There's a colleague I posted about who didnt make me a drink a while back (as what I wanted was too much effort for him). Well, I've been more stern with him when he takes advantage of me (pushing in my way at the coffee machine - I told him I wasnt finished & He'd have to wait - which he did). The other afternoon he offered me a drink. So I took him at his word & asked for something complicated. Expecting him to say get lost, he actually did the drink! Amazing. It felt like a miracle.
He can still be pushy. He still tries to push in when I'm at the copier & stuff like that, but I now show my disapproval of his impatience. It seems that by standing up to him he respects me more.
It isnt easy but I am determined not to lose any ground on this.
So glad he got instant coffee, good for you Tessar. I'm the same, I am to nice. I let people walk on me, and I end up doing things, that I really don't want to do because of it. Stinks, but I am getting a little better with age. I guess we just get wiser. :hugs:
Hey panickyme, It's good that you're getting better in not letting people walk all over you & not always doing things you dont want. There's a good place you can get assertiveness information at .... http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51 and this site has loads of other workbooks on it as well which are really helpful.
looking back on this post I did in January, I have definitely moved on. The whole episode was to do with a colleague not returning a favour to me (to do with making drinks at work of all things). At the time I was very disappointed he didn't do me a favour & make me a nice drink.
i'd already been told not to let some of my colleagues take advantage.
Well, for a few months now I haven't offered this colleague a drink when I do a round. he doesn't offer more than maybe once every couple of weeks so .... finally it dawned on me, I don't have to offer everyone a drink. Not if they don't return the favour. if I feel like it, he might get one but its my decision & if I don't feel like it, I don't offer. and I can do that without needing to feel any guilt whatsoever.
this colleague can be arrogant & push in sometimes (in the kitchen, at the copier) I have also made my irritation quite plain to him if he's done that. I told him last time he did it at the copier, that i'll push him out of the way (in jest of course). If that happens, I shall let you know.
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