Thought I'd take a relaxing bath, apparently not..

[ecila92]

Hi, I don't really post in this section mainly because I mostly suffer with health anxiety but it's definitely caused me to have depression as well.

Not really too sure why I'm writing this but sometimes its good to get your thoughts down.

Today I was very selfish to my best friend because she's at uni and I don't see her much, I was judging her because I thought she'd changed into a different type of person which I wasn't happy about. She hadn't said anything to me to make me see this change and she got very upset (understandably). We had a big falling out and I realized how selfish I'd been. The only reason I acted that way was down to jealousy. I'm just jealous of her. I'm jealous because her life is changing and mine isn't.

I'm stuck working in retail which I don't enjoy, I don't make any money, I'm not moving forward in my life, I'm not going places, I don't have a set career plan, any goals, or any ambitions.

I have severe anxiety/depression which affects me everyday and stops me from wanting to do normal, everyday things. I've done therapy which only lasts temporary, I've been on anti depressants, beta blockers etc. Nothing.

I don't have many friends, I never really have. I do have an amazing boyfriend who looks after me, but sometimes I feel like I'm a burden on him, I feel like he'll leave me because I drive him mad with my anxiety problems and sometimes I feel like he's tied down in this relationship and he should be out there having fun. But then I feel if he did leave me, I wouldn't be able to cope on my own.

I've just been crying for hours because I'm fed up with everything, I feel as if nothing goes right for me. My mum doesn't think there's anything wrong with me that I'm just ''being silly'' ..even though she's seen me have panic attacks etc. My dad has the same problem as me but I don't see him much as he lives abroad.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm really not that kind of person, I just wanted to get down everything on a piece of paper/computer. I know saying all this negative stuff wont get me anywhere, I just feel that people might be able to relate to all this stuff, and see where I'm coming from because noone I'm close to does.

[Baggs]

Hi Ecila,
Civilans don't understand, they cannot - you have to go through it. I find that meds and the chatroom help me, speaking to people in real time - people who understand. I wish you all the best.

Baggs

[rainfairy]

I have been there. Working somewhere that wouldn't get me anywhere. Feeling stuck and worried. It's horrible. While my friends were off to uni I was at college because I did terrible im my A levels but here I am working in a lab. It is hard to appreciate what you have when you are comparing yourself to others you may think they have better lives than you. You make your life no one else does. Trying to make the most of your life outside of work is a big help and so is having a caring boyfriend. No one really umderatands what you are going through unless they have been there so they won't be suportove like you want.

---------- Post added at 21:40 ---------- Previous post was at 21:38 ----------

*understands I apologise for my awful spelling I am no good with touch screen phones!

[ecila92]

Thank you both, yeah I see what you mean rainfairy but its hard to make something of you're life when you have no motivation to do it because you're so fed up of feeling the same everyday. I have a terrible attitude, I know I need to sort that out lol.

[Emphyrio]

I think I can understand how you feel. I have something to aim for at the minute and get periods where I feel like crap. When I didn't have anything to aim for I felt worse. I've always compared myself to other people who seem to effortlessly be able to do the things I want to achieve - the end result is that I somehow blame myself and hate myself for my situation. However, this approach is destructive and will not help you in the long run, merely undermine your self esteem and confidence still further - its a vicious circle. Try to focus on what you have done despite your depression and anxiety concerns - look at the positives you have achieved in life, and not just on the things you haven't been able to do.

The fears that you are preventing your boyfriend from enjoying himself is a typical case of low self-esteem. He would have known about your issues when you first started getting close, and therefore I guess he accepts you for who you are.