I'm back and worse than ever

[shortcake]

I hope someone can help me or advise. It's been a long time since I posted, over 2 years ago when I had my little boy. I had been doing well, was on lexapro and any anxiety I had was very manageable. Well a number of months ago I decided to start weaning off them and to do it very slowly as I'm quite sensitive to meds and always struggled (been on and off meds for 7 years). Myself and my husband were hoping to start trying for another baby so this was why I wanted to come off the tablets and I managed while pregnant with my son. Well I finished my last tablet the middle of October (at that stage I was only taking 5mg every 3rd day). Suffered some withdrawals, in particular dizziness, but I expected to get some so tried to keep going and ignore it. Got quite bad panic attack the end of October and on and off for few weeks after. Managed to get through them and them dizziness went and felt a bit better. Until end of November dizziness returned and was finding it hard at work. Went to GP and told her how I was feeling. She told me to do my breathing exercises and maybe look into some cbt sessions. I asked her to refer me to public clinic as I couldn't afford to go privately. She also.reluctantly gave me 5 xanax.tablets 0.25mg. Had apt there in clinic week b4 Christmas with psychiatrist and was told waiting list for cbt publicly is nearly 2 years! Things have just.gotten worse. Just about made it to holidays from work on 21st. Christmas was horrible, so anxious. Couldn't even enjoy it for my son. Dizziness/lightheaded all the time, can't eat though I'm trying to, already lost a stone, feel like I can't breathe properly, always yawning, struggling to take deep breath and it's now got to the stage that I can't go out anywhere without panicking and feeling complete dread. It's affecting my marriage, I feel like such a bad mother :weep:. I ended up going to a lady last week for counselling as I was feeling so bad and dad.said he would help out with the money. She was lovely and us going to do mindfulness with me but it will take time. Then Friday I was so bad, couldn't stop crying, rang.counsellor and.clinic I felt so bad. Ended up having to take one of the xanax as it was so bad.Helped somewhat and calmed down. Had to take another one yest, as was shaky.and dizzy and heart racing again. Now today am so low and dizzy, don't know what to do. Think I will have to go back on.something, I'm.not able to function the way I am :( I've doc apt in clinic tomorrow afternoon after ringing friday in a state. And tomorrow I'm supposed to be back at work, but how can I go in like this? Do I pop a xanax and go in anyway and try get through it or ring in sick and see what doctor says. I just don't know, feel so lost. Thank you for reading if you've made it this far x Sorry for any mistakes, am on phone, any one any advice at all?

[Col]

Ohhh shortcake, I've been there in the doldrums of panic. When it takes hold of you that's it, weather it's the very first time or you've experienced it a number of times. It's awful, I'm really saddened to read it, brings back memories of everything it effects affects and I'm a mother so I understand.

All I can say regarding the medication is, I've never taken meds although, I was given propranolol. I was that bad I was petrified taking these incase they made my breathing issue worse. However regarding going back to work, I'm really not sure it's a good idea because pushing it too far could result in more time off in the long run, where as if you took tomorrow off to talk to doc and sort your meds out properly, you might be back to work as normal come tuesday & hopefully back to your usual self sooner than later.

:flowers:

[shortcake]

Thank you so much for your reply Col, maybe you're right. My stomach is in knots now thinking of tomorrow. Maybe taking the day might be all I need. It's such a horrible feeling when it takes hold.
Can I ask how you have coped without taking med? How have you gotten yourself out of the bad times?

[Col]

hi again, glad you think i helped, i could just tell from what you had written, that you are seriously struggling.

hmmm, I turned to a hobby & started to crochet, as a destraction to take my mind off me & also I'd bake all the time. With my agrophobia, I had to do school run but luckily its a 5 minute drive and my daughter was 8, when I was struck down and I waited in the car, in a safe place close enough to the school entrance and I'd either, sit in the car OR, I'd stand and wave and then she'd come to me & get in the car like that!!! I think having kids (as bad and hurrendous as you feel) things such as school run, you have to do. I gave up my PGCE teaching course and have suffered for the last 2 years , so with the kids - I had to just deal with things like that:( otherwise, I was pretty much house bound I didnt go to town for 6 months. People in my family couldn't grasp this was happening to me, as I'm the one who people always come to, I think people think I'm made of metal? Anyway the agrophobia, small steps so - because of the overwhelming collapse sentation anytime I walked anywhere, I decided to set goals. So one day I'd walk to the first lamp post and then when I mastered that, the second and then to the shop. I did have some blips but just thought - I have to forget about time with this illness, I can't force getting better but, just be sensible and do managable things not to make myself worse by pushing it!!! I was pretty run down at the time so, I took iron suppliments, manuka honey, cut down the caffiene and did tapping exercises and yoga. I made myself!!! Went to the library and got books on reiki, yoga etc. I let go and started to ride with it, because I was that bad as I said before, I knew the minute I quit my course (which id never do) that I was beyond help & needed to go back to basics. I slept better , no late nights and ate more regular. I had a baby at the time he's 3 now so id go to the park after school run in the morning. At first id only make walking into the park with the pram and timing myself and just stand there or look at the flowers for 10 minutes and then get in my car (possibly shaking like a leaf ) and id go home. I think exposure like this aided my confidence looking back. At the time i was like gosh this is stupid, I cant even bare to step foot in my local park without my heart beating and beating out of my chest but, now this must have helped.

Ive heard Acai berry and magnesium are good too. so gonna keep going and trying new things and doing what ive been doing. i am much better. have my moments though , dont get me wrong.

hope this helps if your board ive written loads about the cause of my anxiety and panic attack on Col stats.

takcare Collette x

[shortcake]

Well I didn't go up to work, couldn't face it:weep: Awake since 3 am this morning, feel horrible. Stomach in knots, so full of dread for the future and what will become of me. Tried to eat small amount of cereal but just feel sick, shaky, lightheaded. Will I ever feel normal again? :weep:

[Princess2206]

Hi Shortcake. Good decision to stay at home. Take few days off and try to relax. I felt like you and push myself for over a month to work and end up being off since 4th of December and sill don't feel ready to go back.

[shortcake]

Thanks Princess, I'm seeing the doctor later. Think I will have to go back on the tablets, I'm just not coping without

[Col]

:hugs: best to sort yourslef out first, forget about work for a couple of days x

[shortcake]

Well I've been signed off work for this week and started on Prozac 20mg. She also gave me some xanax for if I get very bad patches. Said they don't like giving too much of this as can be addictive. She wants me to go to a mindfulness group today at the clinic at 2.30pm. I just hope things get better, feel like such a failure at the moment :( She said she would put me on the prozac as it's a safer one if I did get pregnant but thats def not an option at the moment and I don't even know if I could still take that risk. At the moment I just need to get myself better for my little boy.