My story

[Efilinu]

I feel like I just need to get some stuff down, would appreciate any discussion arising from this. Apologies, this is quite long, it just kept flowing.

So I'm nearly 25, I've had social anxiety since I was about 12 and has now turned into more GAD and ofcourse there's some depression which goes along with that. I took sertraline a few years ago which didn't seem to help so I came off it and have tried natural methods but to no avail. I'm now trying Paroxetine but it's not having much effect and I've actually felt worse over the past few months although this may be due to exam stress and relationship difficulties. I've had person centred counselling for about a year and a half which was great, didn't help my anxiety as such but was great in giving me a different perspective on life and helped me realise some changes I needed to make. I'm going to the doctor this week so talk about my medication and to try get proper CBT therapy and I'm also going to have a chat with a counsellor next week to discuss some childhood issues which I need to talk about.

So I took positive steps after my first round of counselling: I quit a horrible full time job I wasn't happy in and applied to go to college with a view of going to university. I joined an internet dating site to try and find a good healthy relationship. I started going to yoga and the gym more and reduced the amount of alcohol I was taking and stopped any illegal drugs also (I wasn't taking much if any, i was just experimenting really but stopped all that). I also started volunteering while I was at college and I contacted people I'd felt I'd wronged in the past, apologising and tried to renew forgotten friendships. One of these friendships involved a guy who it turned out had some mental health problems also, and we bonded over this and this guy is my best friend in the whole world. I've also spoken to my mum and my sister about my anxiety which was a huge step for me. I'm also trying to tell some friends about my condition more recently.

So I'm in university and it's stressful but I knew it would be and I would rather be stressed and doing something good than being stressed and doing something I'm not enjoying. In my first year in Oct 2011 I started a relationship with a girl from the internet site and I guess I knew she wasn't perfect but I was trying to change my outlook and give things a go (I'd been bad in the past for ending relationships after a week or something cos 'they weren't the one' and I don't think that's healthy) but this girl had her own issues... her dad left when she was small, and she told me she loved me after like 2 weeks even after I said to her when we brought it up jokingly, I wouldn't say it back this early to a girl. I guess we fell into a routine of being together, spending time, which was nice, I always wanted a girl to share everything with and have them accept me for who I am, but yeah, I wasn't falling in love and that wasn't enough for her but she still managed to wound me deeply in 2012. We agreed to break up because I was going away for a month in the summer, and i could sort my head out while i was away and we'd have a chat when i got back. She said we should break up so that while im away i won't miss any opportunities (if you know what i mean...) and then end up hating her, i said i wouldn't want to do that and I want to stay with her. Well while I was away i text her and said i missed her, she didn't reply, i spoke to her on facebook, she said she thinks we should break up completely, delete each other from facebook so it's easier, and stop contact because she needs to be on her own to sort her own mess out. I was alone in Europe and felt like throwing myself out the hotel window. I didn't, obviously!

I know we weren't right for each other but yeah it still hurt. What hurts more is that maybe last month my friend who's friend has my ex on facebook said that while i was away my ex was posting about falling for some new guy. My best friend left for Australia last february and i've been on a few dates and each one has resulted in the girl going completely off me, being more friendly to me because i'm 'such a nice guy'. At uni this year I met a really great girl, actually nearly everything I'd want, but I was cautious because I was still hurting, we were friends and met up a few times as friends (which was perfect for me as I always wanted to develop a friendship that MAY lead to something). We went to a party together (I didn't drink, it was so difficult but I survived) and we had several moments. We met the next day and we kissed and she's the first girl I've managed to kiss properly while sober. things were going great, I met her parents for dinner and we were having fun but later that week we met and she was off with me. I asked her a few weeks after (as our exams were round that time and I was having panic attacks and worrying about what was wrong with her) and she said she thought we could work but she doesn't know how she feels about me, i asked what changed and she said she still has feelings for someone else and it's not fair on me cos 'im the nicest guy shes met' bla bla bla and we should stay friends. I reckon it's basically just a gentle let down because I guess i'm too nice for a relationship and must give out some weird friend vibe. Some friends think I expect love too much, I just need to have fun more. But messing around isn't really my thing, I want to go out get drunk go on the pull all the time but because of my condition, I can't.

I'm completely losing faith in the world, I used to feel ok at one point that I can be open to experiences and let life happen and things will work out but now not so much. I can't believe people can be so hurtful, lying about things to your face and I simply don't understand how my confidence can grow and my anxiety fade when I make myself vulnerable to people that lie to me and reject me when I'm (i think) being myself. Life is throwing me these opportunities and then beating me down and making me feel bad for being a nice guy. I face my fears everyday, socialising and being in public but yet I'm not learning from this and become more reluctant to let people in because I'm so afraid of the pain I've felt in the past. How can I truly accept myself when I have no faith and I have a condition which I feel hinders me from starting any good relationship (more than friendship) with someone that's right for me. How can I stay positive when I feel I'm lying to myself telling myself positive things and I'm being led into such bad situations.

[Annie0904]

I am sorry you have had to go through such a distressing time recently. You are doing the right thing seeing your doctor about CBT, I am sure it will be helpful to you. maybe you should mention your medication to your doctor also if you don't feel it is helping you. :hugs:

[Steve37]

I feel like I just need to get some stuff down, would appreciate any discussion arising from this. Apologies, this is quite long, it just kept flowing.

So I'm nearly 25, I've had social anxiety since I was about 12 and has now turned into more GAD and ofcourse there's some depression which goes along with that. I took sertraline a few years ago which didn't seem to help so I came off it and have tried natural methods but to no avail. I'm now trying Paroxetine but it's not having much effect and I've actually felt worse over the past few months although this may be due to exam stress and relationship difficulties. I've had person centred counselling for about a year and a half which was great, didn't help my anxiety as such but was great in giving me a different perspective on life and helped me realise some changes I needed to make. I'm going to the doctor this week so talk about my medication and to try get proper CBT therapy and I'm also going to have a chat with a counsellor next week to discuss some childhood issues which I need to talk about.

So I took positive steps after my first round of counselling: I quit a horrible full time job I wasn't happy in and applied to go to college with a view of going to university. I joined an internet dating site to try and find a good healthy relationship. I started going to yoga and the gym more and reduced the amount of alcohol I was taking and stopped any illegal drugs also (I wasn't taking much if any, i was just experimenting really but stopped all that). I also started volunteering while I was at college and I contacted people I'd felt I'd wronged in the past, apologising and tried to renew forgotten friendships. One of these friendships involved a guy who it turned out had some mental health problems also, and we bonded over this and this guy is my best friend in the whole world. I've also spoken to my mum and my sister about my anxiety which was a huge step for me. I'm also trying to tell some friends about my condition more recently.

So I'm in university and it's stressful but I knew it would be and I would rather be stressed and doing something good than being stressed and doing something I'm not enjoying. In my first year in Oct 2011 I started a relationship with a girl from the internet site and I guess I knew she wasn't perfect but I was trying to change my outlook and give things a go (I'd been bad in the past for ending relationships after a week or something cos 'they weren't the one' and I don't think that's healthy) but this girl had her own issues... her dad left when she was small, and she told me she loved me after like 2 weeks even after I said to her when we brought it up jokingly, I wouldn't say it back this early to a girl. I guess we fell into a routine of being together, spending time, which was nice, I always wanted a girl to share everything with and have them accept me for who I am, but yeah, I wasn't falling in love and that wasn't enough for her but she still managed to wound me deeply in 2012. We agreed to break up because I was going away for a month in the summer, and i could sort my head out while i was away and we'd have a chat when i got back. She said we should break up so that while im away i won't miss any opportunities (if you know what i mean...) and then end up hating her, i said i wouldn't want to do that and I want to stay with her. Well while I was away i text her and said i missed her, she didn't reply, i spoke to her on facebook, she said she thinks we should break up completely, delete each other from facebook so it's easier, and stop contact because she needs to be on her own to sort her own mess out. I was alone in Europe and felt like throwing myself out the hotel window. I didn't, obviously!

I know we weren't right for each other but yeah it still hurt. What hurts more is that maybe last month my friend who's friend has my ex on facebook said that while i was away my ex was posting about falling for some new guy. My best friend left for Australia last february and i've been on a few dates and each one has resulted in the girl going completely off me, being more friendly to me because i'm 'such a nice guy'. At uni this year I met a really great girl, actually nearly everything I'd want, but I was cautious because I was still hurting, we were friends and met up a few times as friends (which was perfect for me as I always wanted to develop a friendship that MAY lead to something). We went to a party together (I didn't drink, it was so difficult but I survived) and we had several moments. We met the next day and we kissed and she's the first girl I've managed to kiss properly while sober. things were going great, I met her parents for dinner and we were having fun but later that week we met and she was off with me. I asked her a few weeks after (as our exams were round that time and I was having panic attacks and worrying about what was wrong with her) and she said she thought we could work but she doesn't know how she feels about me, i asked what changed and she said she still has feelings for someone else and it's not fair on me cos 'im the nicest guy shes met' bla bla bla and we should stay friends. I reckon it's basically just a gentle let down because I guess i'm too nice for a relationship and must give out some weird friend vibe. Some friends think I expect love too much, I just need to have fun more. But messing around isn't really my thing, I want to go out get drunk go on the pull all the time but because of my condition, I can't.

I'm completely losing faith in the world, I used to feel ok at one point that I can be open to experiences and let life happen and things will work out but now not so much. I can't believe people can be so hurtful, lying about things to your face and I simply don't understand how my confidence can grow and my anxiety fade when I make myself vulnerable to people that lie to me and reject me when I'm (i think) being myself. Life is throwing me these opportunities and then beating me down and making me feel bad for being a nice guy. I face my fears everyday, socialising and being in public but yet I'm not learning from this and become more reluctant to let people in because I'm so afraid of the pain I've felt in the past. How can I truly accept myself when I have no faith and I have a condition which I feel hinders me from starting any good relationship (more than friendship) with someone that's right for me. How can I stay positive when I feel I'm lying to myself telling myself positive things and I'm being led into such bad situations.

Keep going to this, i do Pilates, and it's great for my GAD.:D

[Oosh]

I'm actually blown away by the steps you've taken to improve your situation. Despite the obvious discomfort you feel you're going to uni, dating, making friends, going to parties, meeting this girls parents, yoga classes etc etc !!!
You deserve a medal !
You're obviously not a natural at this stuff but you're pushing yourself right out of your comfort zone and giving it all you've got in order to succeed in the areas you want.

But the thing is, being single and dating is very painful, even for naturals who mix easily without major anxieties. It's hard putting a monumental effort in in the hope it'll produce love, loyalty, a companion. You've put so much in, surely that should be enough , right ?
But the truth is many people can look for years, meet many people and still not find the right person. So your experiences are normal in my eyes. They're not looking for you, but somebody is. Fact. Somebody out there would feel more comfortable with someone just like you.

I think the trick is trying to find the type of person YOU would like to be with. Who is she ? What's she like ? Where might you find a person like that ?

I don't know what led these girls to believe that you weren't the one for them but if you're honest with yourself maybe you know ?

What does your instinct tell you ?

Do you reveal your anxieties to them ? Tell them your feelings ? Do you value them too much ? Do you show insecurity in that you let them see you'd be devastated if you broke up ? Try too hard ? I'm not suggesting you did do any of these things. It's just this "girls always see me just as a friend" thing tends to be because of these sorts of things.

I'm also not suggesting you change who you are. You're not gonna get to be the real you with a future partner unless you're the real you. But you could maybe tweak something to lose the "friend" thing.

Maybe you're not doing ANYTHING wrong and these girls just weren't looking for you. It's difficult for you so you take it more personally than you should.

I don't know. But I do know how hard it is. And I know the effort you're putting in is jaw dropping. Don't give up. It's corny but every experience can be seen as a lesson to be learned from. Don't get cynical. Dating is really really hard. If you keep doing what you're doing you're going to end up experienced and more confident. And you'll find the right people. I really do feel for you. I know how hard it is.

[Efilinu]

I'm actually blown away by the steps you've taken to improve your situation. Despite the obvious discomfort you feel you're going to uni, dating, making friends, going to parties, meeting this girls parents, yoga classes etc etc !!!
You deserve a medal !
You're obviously not a natural at this stuff but you're pushing yourself right out of your comfort zone and giving it all you've got in order to succeed in the areas you want.

But the thing is, being single and dating is very painful, even for naturals who mix easily without major anxieties. It's hard putting a monumental effort in in the hope it'll produce love, loyalty, a companion. You've put so much in, surely that should be enough , right ?
But the truth is many people can look for years, meet many people and still not find the right person. So your experiences are normal in my eyes. They're not looking for you, but somebody is. Fact. Somebody out there would feel more comfortable with someone just like you.

I think the trick is trying to find the type of person YOU would like to be with. Who is she ? What's she like ? Where might you find a person like that ?

I don't know what led these girls to believe that you weren't the one for them but if you're honest with yourself maybe you know ?

What does your instinct tell you ?



I'm also not suggesting you change who you are. You're not gonna get to be the real you with a future partner unless you're the real you. But you could maybe tweak something to lose the "friend" thing.

Maybe you're not doing ANYTHING wrong and these girls just weren't looking for you. It's difficult for you so you take it more personally than you should.

I don't know. But I do know how hard it is. And I know the effort you're putting in is jaw dropping. Don't give up. It's corny but every experience can be seen as a lesson to be learned from. Don't get cynical. Dating is really really hard. If you keep doing what you're doing you're going to end up experienced and more confident. And you'll find the right people. I really do feel for you. I know how hard it is.

Thanks for everyone's replies, I really appreciate it. I know there aren't always answers as such and sometimes it just helps to vent.

Do you reveal your anxieties to them ? Tell them your feelings ? Do you value them too much ? Do you show insecurity in that you let them see you'd be devastated if you broke up ? Try too hard ? I'm not suggesting you did do any of these things. It's just this "girls always see me just as a friend" thing tends to be because of these sorts of things.

Are you saying that these things would make me seem more like a friend? I mean, yeah I valued this latest girl and it would hurt me if we broke up but I was being so casual there's no way she could have thought I would be devastated!! Unless (like I used to believe) there is some sort of vibe or energy that I'm giving off to people :/ I really don't know what to believe in that sense anymore!