Jimmyboy
07-01-13, 16:51
Hi guys, I wrote this post for another forum that I go on regularly and know a lot of the members (not for anxiety or anything like that) so I've written it aimed for 'normal' people. I can't face re-writing it all to suit people that are a bit more understanding on this site but I hope you can make some sense of it and help me somehow please! I know its a long one, and apologies for where I got carried away a few times and end up repeating things or rambling.
Here goes...
Well, I need your help. I know it’s a long one. But I can’t put up with it anymore. I’ve been stuck in the same catch 22 situation for several years now with no way out. I’ve tried sorting it myself, but I can’t. I’ve tried going to the pro’s via doctors, and they’ve put me on a counselling waiting list – that is SEVERAL months long, well that’s not much help to me, I need something now. And I don’t really have anyone else to ask except you guys, as sad as that may sound. Now I know some of you probably couldn’t care less – and that’s fair enough, but please don’t comment if you’ve nothing positive to add.
The catch 22 Situation
Ok, so most of you know I’m out of work currently, you probably just think I’m a lazy bugger though, which isn’t the case. The truth is, and I feel so pathetic typing this, but I CANNOT do a job while I’m living here with the people I live with, I’m struggling enough without a job tbh, and I just can’t do one while here. I’ll explain why shortly, it’s to do with the issues that I have. BUT I know for a fact if I could get out of here, live alone, near to a town/city, I would be so much better off in myself, and would definitely be able to do at least P/T work to get me started again. But here’s where I need your help – I can’t get a job while I live here – and I can’t move out without having the money from a job. And this cycles constantly through my brain and I’m at the point now where I can’t put up with it any longer, but I can’t do anything about it either. Basically I need to move out on my own, with very little money to start with, but with the aim of finding P/T work shortly after the move. I’m currently on no benefits, not even JSA (I’ll explain why in a bit) but if there’s any I could get that would help with this then I’d be willing to go for them now.
The problems with living here
So for any that don’t know, the background info is I have problems with OCD/Anxiety/IBS which actually affect almost everything indirectly, well basically they do rule my entire life. And when any one of those is made worse, that in turn worsens the other 2, it’s like fighting a constant battle that I never seen to be winning.
One of the things that does help with all of the above is sticking to a good routine, things like getting up at the same time, using the loo at the same time, eating at the same time – but this just isn’t possible due to the other people in the house. I can’t do what I need to do, when I need to do it as there are always people taking up the kitchen or bathroom when I need to be using those rooms. I can’t even get up at a sensible time now as I’m always ‘in the way’ of the ones that have jobs to get to. But if I can’t do something as simple as get up at a decent time to get a routine in place there’s not much chance of anything further.
Also having a ‘vacant’ loo as much as possible is extremely important to me, as IBS can start at any point, with very little warning. And when I’m not near a ‘safe’ toilet or can’t get to it (i.e. it’s occupied), it makes me need to go! This is not good because we only have one loo to share between the 4 of us in the house. You also have to realise I have great difficulty using the loo at all while I’m out, have you ever been in the situation where you’re desperate for the loo but physically can’t go? Well if not it really is a horrible feeling! So I have to try and ‘empty’ before going out.
Another massive problem I have living here is food, partly due to anxiety (I can’t eat when near people, I know how daft that sounds) but mainly due to OCD ‘contamination’ issues. This means I can’t anything I feel has been ‘contaminated’ at any point, including cutlery touched etc. – I have to re-wash everything. There was actually quite a funny comedy thing on this by Jon Richardson however it’s not so funny in reality, especially when you get told off by the ‘rents for re washing stuff (wasting water) so trying to do it in a state of panic while they’re out hoping they don’t come home before I’ve finished! And as I said, can’t eat around people – I guarantee none of you will have seen me eat anything lol. Now I used to get round this by re-washing up as soon as I got home, then making sure I got my dinner before the ‘rents came home. However since my step-dad changed his job he now comes home at any time, so this doesn’t work anymore, and I’m always worried about his return! I end up eating really early (like 4.45pm), in my bedroom now just to try and get around this. Further messing up my routine. Plus, people (well the northern one in particular!) can’t leave stuff alone – I have my own set of drinking glasses…only I use them, keep them separate, keep the used ones in my room and then I’ll wash them up – but apparently this isn’t good enough, certain people keep using my damn glasses AND talking them from my room to poorly wash and mix them with the others – again, I know it’ll sound daft to you but its something that I really can’t put up with.
Due to my step dads change of hours, and the fact that my sister now is at college only doing a few days a week, there’s almost constantly someone else here, and even when they’re not I’m in constant fear of them coming home. I’m scared that they’ll come home while I’m washing up, doing the washing, hovering etc. because I actually get told off for wasting electricity and water….I can’t do much outside either, fixing/cleaning cars is apparently also a waste of electric, water and god forbid I should still be using the flat drive when they come home! I shouldn’t be scared of being at home as well as being out – this is ridiculous. And weekends are awful due to this, because the rents don’t always go out. I’m absolutely dreading xmas, as apart from the usual raised stress levels at that time of year, people are off work and home all the time, and you have to try and eat with them, wash up round them etc. If I could’ve afforded to go away somewhere over Xmas I would’ve done.
Now the problem you probably all know about is distance....but it’s so much worse than just ‘not being able to drive far’. This is a mixture of things but the main one is crap, litterally – IBS can come on at any time and my guts are pretty knackered anyway. And as I can’t go when I’m out, I have to go home to ‘do’ anything, so this really ruins going out at all, let alone far. Sometimes I don’t even get halfway to town before having to turn round and head home.
I did do a week’s work experience at a car dealer in January, and while I really enjoyed playing with the cars, the other problems made it almost impossible to do, certainly not something I could keep up longer than the week. Just as a quick daily – I’d have bad anxiety sh*ts in the morning and literally empty out, then have to stop at an empty supermarket before work and try have an anxiety wee as I knew I wouldn’t be able to go at the dealers with so many people there, then at lunch time would have to race home (15 miles) to have yet another shit, eat something ‘safe’ (usually dry bread) then race back within the lunch hour. Then I felt awful all afternoon from eating on an empty stomach, then had to race home when it got to 5pm to wash up and get dinner before the ‘rents got back (before step dad changed his hours) – I realise it sounds absolutely stupid, but it’s the only way I could work around my issues and actually manage to kind of do a job at the same time. Obviously with such a big distance it’s just not possible to do it in reality, and you can see why I used so much fuel!
You may also know I used to work part time as a till tart in a small supermarket. I wasn’t fired, truth is I couldn’t cope with it anymore and had to give it up. I managed to keep it a year, sh*ts every morning, dreading going to work, constant panic which was made worse by damn customers and underage guys wanting to buy stuff without ID – I couldn’t cope with it, I was getting to the car park half the time and having to phone in with an excuse as I just couldn’t face going in. But I couldn’t let my ‘rents know I hadn’t gone…so I’d just sit in the car hiding at the back of some car park contemplating topping myself, I never had the balls to do it unfortunately. Anyway it got to the point I phoned in ill every day for a week and a half and I just said that was enough, I had to give it up and haven’t been back since.
And had the same issues with college, it was a situation I felt I couldn’t get away from which made me need the loo all the time, even on the ‘good’ days I was having to head to home and back at lunch time like with the car dealer I mentioned before. I missed at least 50% of college by the end of the year, but still passed due to teaching myself a lot of the stuff – so you can see why I get things wrong now and then.
So hopefully even if you don’t understand why I do these things, you can at least appreciate that I do HAVE to do them. You can hopefully see that I’m not just a lazy bugger, and that I am trying damn hard constantly to get around problems, but it seems like I try so hard, and don’t get so far.
Anyway, when I finished college, it was the same time as step dads hours changed, and as my sister started college, and I just can’t seem to do anything now. I’m not looking for work currently, as I can barely manage without work, and know I couldn’t do a job atm and don’t want to go through the whole process to just get fired a week later. But because of this, I can’t even claim JSA, and don’t know if there’s anything else I could be claiming so I’m just scraping by doing errands for my Nans basically. Both of whom were widowed within the last year and can’t drive so I’ve got a constant stream of ‘work’ there. But the problem with this is that I only get around £40 by doing that, or a bit extra if I’ve fixed someone’s car/sold some stuff but that has to cover food and fuel…and it just doesn’t unfortunately. I’ve also got the ‘rents and various relatives on my back all the time trying to bully me into getting a job/JSA but currently I can’t do it…but I also can’t make my Mum understand that, I obviously haven’t told her that thet’re part of the problem, I’m not such a rude bugger…..and there’s no way I’m gonna try explaining to anyone else I’m apparently related to.
The current situation
So now I’m in a really shit situation where I’m still hating life, myself, my problems and pretty much everything else tbh. If I had a choice, I’d happily swap with some poor kid that’s got loads left to give but is say killed in a car accident – I’ve got nothing to give, I’m nearly 21 without achieving anything, ever, I don’t seem to enjoy anything and there’s no chance of me pro-creating, so really what’s the point in it all?
The only way I can see any of this changing at all is if I can get the hell out of here as soon as possible, away from all this crap, right away from any family or any old school/work colleagues and completely start fresh. It’d have to be somewhere away, but still reasonably close. Gotta be on my own. Gotta be close enough in the town/city that I would easily be able to nip home from work at lunch times. And hopefully it wouldn’t be ‘too’ difficult to get a PT job shelf stacking or similar shortly after moving, or at least go onto JSA then. Would aim to do this around Feb/March time.
I don’t know how to do any of this though, I don’t know the costs involved, I don’t know anything really and I don’t know what else to try or who else to ask.
Please help me guys.
Here goes...
Well, I need your help. I know it’s a long one. But I can’t put up with it anymore. I’ve been stuck in the same catch 22 situation for several years now with no way out. I’ve tried sorting it myself, but I can’t. I’ve tried going to the pro’s via doctors, and they’ve put me on a counselling waiting list – that is SEVERAL months long, well that’s not much help to me, I need something now. And I don’t really have anyone else to ask except you guys, as sad as that may sound. Now I know some of you probably couldn’t care less – and that’s fair enough, but please don’t comment if you’ve nothing positive to add.
The catch 22 Situation
Ok, so most of you know I’m out of work currently, you probably just think I’m a lazy bugger though, which isn’t the case. The truth is, and I feel so pathetic typing this, but I CANNOT do a job while I’m living here with the people I live with, I’m struggling enough without a job tbh, and I just can’t do one while here. I’ll explain why shortly, it’s to do with the issues that I have. BUT I know for a fact if I could get out of here, live alone, near to a town/city, I would be so much better off in myself, and would definitely be able to do at least P/T work to get me started again. But here’s where I need your help – I can’t get a job while I live here – and I can’t move out without having the money from a job. And this cycles constantly through my brain and I’m at the point now where I can’t put up with it any longer, but I can’t do anything about it either. Basically I need to move out on my own, with very little money to start with, but with the aim of finding P/T work shortly after the move. I’m currently on no benefits, not even JSA (I’ll explain why in a bit) but if there’s any I could get that would help with this then I’d be willing to go for them now.
The problems with living here
So for any that don’t know, the background info is I have problems with OCD/Anxiety/IBS which actually affect almost everything indirectly, well basically they do rule my entire life. And when any one of those is made worse, that in turn worsens the other 2, it’s like fighting a constant battle that I never seen to be winning.
One of the things that does help with all of the above is sticking to a good routine, things like getting up at the same time, using the loo at the same time, eating at the same time – but this just isn’t possible due to the other people in the house. I can’t do what I need to do, when I need to do it as there are always people taking up the kitchen or bathroom when I need to be using those rooms. I can’t even get up at a sensible time now as I’m always ‘in the way’ of the ones that have jobs to get to. But if I can’t do something as simple as get up at a decent time to get a routine in place there’s not much chance of anything further.
Also having a ‘vacant’ loo as much as possible is extremely important to me, as IBS can start at any point, with very little warning. And when I’m not near a ‘safe’ toilet or can’t get to it (i.e. it’s occupied), it makes me need to go! This is not good because we only have one loo to share between the 4 of us in the house. You also have to realise I have great difficulty using the loo at all while I’m out, have you ever been in the situation where you’re desperate for the loo but physically can’t go? Well if not it really is a horrible feeling! So I have to try and ‘empty’ before going out.
Another massive problem I have living here is food, partly due to anxiety (I can’t eat when near people, I know how daft that sounds) but mainly due to OCD ‘contamination’ issues. This means I can’t anything I feel has been ‘contaminated’ at any point, including cutlery touched etc. – I have to re-wash everything. There was actually quite a funny comedy thing on this by Jon Richardson however it’s not so funny in reality, especially when you get told off by the ‘rents for re washing stuff (wasting water) so trying to do it in a state of panic while they’re out hoping they don’t come home before I’ve finished! And as I said, can’t eat around people – I guarantee none of you will have seen me eat anything lol. Now I used to get round this by re-washing up as soon as I got home, then making sure I got my dinner before the ‘rents came home. However since my step-dad changed his job he now comes home at any time, so this doesn’t work anymore, and I’m always worried about his return! I end up eating really early (like 4.45pm), in my bedroom now just to try and get around this. Further messing up my routine. Plus, people (well the northern one in particular!) can’t leave stuff alone – I have my own set of drinking glasses…only I use them, keep them separate, keep the used ones in my room and then I’ll wash them up – but apparently this isn’t good enough, certain people keep using my damn glasses AND talking them from my room to poorly wash and mix them with the others – again, I know it’ll sound daft to you but its something that I really can’t put up with.
Due to my step dads change of hours, and the fact that my sister now is at college only doing a few days a week, there’s almost constantly someone else here, and even when they’re not I’m in constant fear of them coming home. I’m scared that they’ll come home while I’m washing up, doing the washing, hovering etc. because I actually get told off for wasting electricity and water….I can’t do much outside either, fixing/cleaning cars is apparently also a waste of electric, water and god forbid I should still be using the flat drive when they come home! I shouldn’t be scared of being at home as well as being out – this is ridiculous. And weekends are awful due to this, because the rents don’t always go out. I’m absolutely dreading xmas, as apart from the usual raised stress levels at that time of year, people are off work and home all the time, and you have to try and eat with them, wash up round them etc. If I could’ve afforded to go away somewhere over Xmas I would’ve done.
Now the problem you probably all know about is distance....but it’s so much worse than just ‘not being able to drive far’. This is a mixture of things but the main one is crap, litterally – IBS can come on at any time and my guts are pretty knackered anyway. And as I can’t go when I’m out, I have to go home to ‘do’ anything, so this really ruins going out at all, let alone far. Sometimes I don’t even get halfway to town before having to turn round and head home.
I did do a week’s work experience at a car dealer in January, and while I really enjoyed playing with the cars, the other problems made it almost impossible to do, certainly not something I could keep up longer than the week. Just as a quick daily – I’d have bad anxiety sh*ts in the morning and literally empty out, then have to stop at an empty supermarket before work and try have an anxiety wee as I knew I wouldn’t be able to go at the dealers with so many people there, then at lunch time would have to race home (15 miles) to have yet another shit, eat something ‘safe’ (usually dry bread) then race back within the lunch hour. Then I felt awful all afternoon from eating on an empty stomach, then had to race home when it got to 5pm to wash up and get dinner before the ‘rents got back (before step dad changed his hours) – I realise it sounds absolutely stupid, but it’s the only way I could work around my issues and actually manage to kind of do a job at the same time. Obviously with such a big distance it’s just not possible to do it in reality, and you can see why I used so much fuel!
You may also know I used to work part time as a till tart in a small supermarket. I wasn’t fired, truth is I couldn’t cope with it anymore and had to give it up. I managed to keep it a year, sh*ts every morning, dreading going to work, constant panic which was made worse by damn customers and underage guys wanting to buy stuff without ID – I couldn’t cope with it, I was getting to the car park half the time and having to phone in with an excuse as I just couldn’t face going in. But I couldn’t let my ‘rents know I hadn’t gone…so I’d just sit in the car hiding at the back of some car park contemplating topping myself, I never had the balls to do it unfortunately. Anyway it got to the point I phoned in ill every day for a week and a half and I just said that was enough, I had to give it up and haven’t been back since.
And had the same issues with college, it was a situation I felt I couldn’t get away from which made me need the loo all the time, even on the ‘good’ days I was having to head to home and back at lunch time like with the car dealer I mentioned before. I missed at least 50% of college by the end of the year, but still passed due to teaching myself a lot of the stuff – so you can see why I get things wrong now and then.
So hopefully even if you don’t understand why I do these things, you can at least appreciate that I do HAVE to do them. You can hopefully see that I’m not just a lazy bugger, and that I am trying damn hard constantly to get around problems, but it seems like I try so hard, and don’t get so far.
Anyway, when I finished college, it was the same time as step dads hours changed, and as my sister started college, and I just can’t seem to do anything now. I’m not looking for work currently, as I can barely manage without work, and know I couldn’t do a job atm and don’t want to go through the whole process to just get fired a week later. But because of this, I can’t even claim JSA, and don’t know if there’s anything else I could be claiming so I’m just scraping by doing errands for my Nans basically. Both of whom were widowed within the last year and can’t drive so I’ve got a constant stream of ‘work’ there. But the problem with this is that I only get around £40 by doing that, or a bit extra if I’ve fixed someone’s car/sold some stuff but that has to cover food and fuel…and it just doesn’t unfortunately. I’ve also got the ‘rents and various relatives on my back all the time trying to bully me into getting a job/JSA but currently I can’t do it…but I also can’t make my Mum understand that, I obviously haven’t told her that thet’re part of the problem, I’m not such a rude bugger…..and there’s no way I’m gonna try explaining to anyone else I’m apparently related to.
The current situation
So now I’m in a really shit situation where I’m still hating life, myself, my problems and pretty much everything else tbh. If I had a choice, I’d happily swap with some poor kid that’s got loads left to give but is say killed in a car accident – I’ve got nothing to give, I’m nearly 21 without achieving anything, ever, I don’t seem to enjoy anything and there’s no chance of me pro-creating, so really what’s the point in it all?
The only way I can see any of this changing at all is if I can get the hell out of here as soon as possible, away from all this crap, right away from any family or any old school/work colleagues and completely start fresh. It’d have to be somewhere away, but still reasonably close. Gotta be on my own. Gotta be close enough in the town/city that I would easily be able to nip home from work at lunch times. And hopefully it wouldn’t be ‘too’ difficult to get a PT job shelf stacking or similar shortly after moving, or at least go onto JSA then. Would aim to do this around Feb/March time.
I don’t know how to do any of this though, I don’t know the costs involved, I don’t know anything really and I don’t know what else to try or who else to ask.
Please help me guys.