Can we ever feel normal again?

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Hi everyone, hope your all well.

I haven't posted in the forum for a little while, I have been feeling a lot better and that's probably why I haven't been posting daily like I used to.

For those who don't know my main issue is health anxiety. A few months back I was sure I was dying and literally couldn't sleep, eat or move from my bed as i was so anxious. Was having non stop panic attacks and all the rest that comes with it. Also severe derealisation which was one of the most horrible things as it just didn't seem to go away. If anyone looks back at my threads you will be able to see how bad I was.

Anyway, I have improved a lot, I was on Citalopram for a couple of months then switched over to Sertraline which seemed to suit me better. 4 months on I am finally starting to get out the house and do some things again. I don't wake up feeling anxious anymore and I haven't had a major panic attack for a couple of months. I am also just starting to look for work again.

My problem is although I am feeling a lot better, I am still nowhere near 100%. I still have slight derealisation constantly, which is nowhere near as bad as before but still not nice and grinds you down. I feel like I had some sort of nervous breakdown and have come a long way in recovery but I don't feel right and wonder if I ever will?

I find myself stuttering while talking now, my memory is really bad, I feel run down, if I don't have atleast 8 hours sleep a night I can barely function properly. I lose my train of thought all the time. If I dare drink alcohol which I rarely do now, it puts me back into major derealisation for a week or so, with anxiety creeping back in. Feel like i'm kind of in a permanent day dream. Its like this breakdown/anxiety period has damaged my brain and my brain does everything slightly slower now and is not working on full wack. I just don't feel right, I'm so glad my anxiety has improved but feeling like this is getting to me as it doesn't seem to be improving anymore.

As I say my anxiety is much better and is bearable now. I still have thoughts about my health, my heart and brain, but i don't panic now. I can go about daily and be ok.

I have decided to slowly taper off the Sertraline as I was thinking these tablets may be keeping me in slight dreamy derealisation state. If anxiety starts creeping back in I will have to up my dose again. But id rather try and do it on my own now i'm out of the dark place i was in a few months back.

So I just wanted to know has anyone else felt like this?

Did you gradually recover and get back to normal?

I'm hoping if i just try and get on with life I will leave these slight niggling problems behind and I will return to my old self, but it does worry me that this may never happen. I know I will always be liable to fall back into anxiety now which I will have to deal with but id just like to feel healthy while my anxiety is under control.

Sorry for such a long post and thanks for reading.

[Mark13]

Very interesting post.

Unfortunately I feel like that most of the time and have had derealisation constantly since I was 12 (1978). I didn't know anything about depression / anxiety / DP / DR then of course, just thought I was going mad, so I kept it to myself till being officially diagnosed with anxiety at 23.

It's not all bad though, my life has been fine, I got used to the DR, but now and then my anxiety gets so bad I'm off work (like now, been off for 2 months but going back tomorrow).

My point is, for me, I've never been anything other than anxious to a degree, so I don't know what "well" is. I'm just happy if I can function well enough to enjoy life.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Ah, its sad that you have been feeling like that but good for you that you have got used to it and dealt with it. I don't know if I could get used to it unless I have it for so long that it becomes normal. Are you still on the same daily medication as it states in your signature?

Anyone else felt like this and come out the other side feeling healthy and normal again?

[AuntieMoosie]

Oh I'm so glad that you posted this hun :)

Yes this is one of my outstanding questions too so I know where you're coming from :)

I haven't got the answer unfortunately, I'm still trying to work on it myself. To be honest how I feel about it depends a lot on how I'm feeling at the time, if I'm feeling sad, down or negative then I don't think I'll ever be 100% "me" again but if I'm feeling cheerful, happy and positive then I think yes one day I will be 100% "me" again.

But all that I would really like is for me to be able to lead a somewhat near normal life again, I would like to be able to just get up in the morning and think "right! I'm going to go here today or I'm going to do this today" and to then just be able to do it without even thinking about it which was how my life was until 2004 when my agoraphobia struck big time!!

I try not to put myself under pressure of time though as I find, for me, it really doesn't help. I just plod along and that's fine just so long as I'm making some progress as I go which happily I am :)

I suppose the thing to do is to just keep trying to move forward, accept that sometimes it wont be so good and enjoy and be happy when things are good and hang on, by your finger tips if you have too, to hope, never give up trying :) :hugs:

Mark all the best with going back to work tomorrow, I hope it all goes well for you :)

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Thanks AuntiMoosie,

Yep that's the right idea, keep trying to move foward in life and hopefully things gradually get better and return to normal :)

[shelley1813]

I feel like my brain to is working slow so ur not alone. My words are slow, forrget what im saying and mix words up all the time. The more i think about it the worse it seems. Keep smiling and try to distract yourself it works for me xx

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Thanks Shelley1813,

Yea I do try and distract myself and go about doing things like I normally would which does help sometimes but in the end these strange feelings are still there and I don't want to just ignore them for the rest of my life, i'm hoping they eventually go away.

Anyone else have any ideas on this?

[Liviguy]

The problem is, what is normal?

You could be sat beside someone on a train, you get a heart palpatation, so do they.

You then start the worry, panic routine, they don't even notice it as they are not 'tuned' into every little bodily feeling.

I don't know what 'normal' is.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Normal is not thinking about how i'm feeling nearly all the time. Its feeling reasonably good and going about my life and wanting to do things without feeling strange. Its not stuttering my words or forgetting things iv'e done 2 minutes ago.

I'm not really talking about panic and how i react to things my body are doing, its more about the blurry, dreamy feeling that still lingers in my head.

[xtremx]

Can we ever feel normal again? YES YES YES!

As soon as any of use loss sight of wanting to feel normal again we have lost half the battle! For some of us the the return to how we were may come sooner than others but at least they will help show the way.


I myself will try anything to help myself and others reach the goal of a return to Normal.


I'm no about to embark on learning NLP, I may fail in learning it but I'm going to do my bloody best. My father learnt it on his own and made a living on stage doing so why can't I (I just wish he was able to still do it but he is in his 80s)


If I fail I will just move onto another path to reach the achievement of normal!!!!!


So YES

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Thanks xtremx,

Very good point. I do believe I can return back to normal and I will try and always keep that faith but the thing is I am yet to see people say they have got back to normal. But i'm guessing that is probably because they are off living there "normal" lives and to busy to comment on sites like this.

Would love to here from someone that has made a full recovery and perhaps feels there life is even better now after going through bad anxiety problems.

[Tessar]

Hi Gotagetthroughthis; I believe in time the answer is yes, because I've had ups & downs over the last few years & these have included being in a deep dark pit, getting out of it & being pretty near normal, if not better than before depression hit me. OK, I've had others "downs" but they were more due to life generally so I just have to deal with those things. I'm better able to deal with them having been through it before.
If you compare how you were before (as you say "I was sure I was dying and literally couldn't sleep, eat or move from my bed as i was so anxious") to how you are now - i.e "feeling a lot better", now imagine in a few months that you continue the improvement a bit here & a bit there and then one day, you'll realise you have come even further. One way to look at it is.... you are on a journey up a mountain. Sometimes you might take a break because you're puffed out. Well maybe now you're having a bit of a break... but soon you'll be off up that path again.... heading for the top. It cant always be done in one long hit, you need to recharge your batteries sometimes.
Things like this happening take so much out of you I'm not surprised it feels like you had a beakdown .... but there is hope. In just 4 months you've made so many major improvements....these things are a credit to you & that you are looking for work again is brilliant. If you'd like any help with websites to look at for jobs let me know as I have knowledge in the area. You can always send me a PM & I'd have a look in case I can be of assistance.
Also, if it helps... sometimes recently when I'm really tired & a bit fuzzy, I've noticed too that I try to say something & my words get all odd & muddled. It is a bit like stuttering or perhaps slurring a bit, I dont know how to describe it. I end up having to stop speaking.... think "what is it I'm trying to say". This has happens when I'm under stress, e.g in counselling sessions but also when I'm just fine & relaxed. I also lose my train of thought too. there are words I cant recall. I just tell myself these are things that happen to everyone, particularly when tired or stressed. I would try not to attach too much importance to it. Instead place your focus on your massive achievement in all this and the fact that having come this far, with time there is no reason you cant move so much further forward than you are now. I doubt very much it's damaged your brain. It might be you feel your brain does everything slightly slower but maybe things are at the same speed but you're now focusing more on it. I'm like that at work, thinking I'm doing everything ridiculously slowly. But if I actually look at how long it's taking, it turns out just to be getting paranoid again for no reason. I'm just placing too much focus on something that actually doesnt matter.
Sometimes going on a journey like this can change your life. You learn strengths you didnt even know you had. It improves you as a person, you become more experienced in life. Remind yourself it does take time & perhaps in the latter stages of recovery, the progress gets slower. That doesnt undo anything that you have achieved so far. Perhaps think of it as adding the finishing touches to a masterpiece. You are that masterpiece and arent you a brilliant and brave person? Take it easy with your Sertraline, nice and slow. As you say, if anxiety starts creeping back in, up your dose again. Dont underestimate the effort you've put in to getting out of that dark place. Give yourself a huge pat on the back, you deserve it!

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Ah that's a nice message Tessar, thanks for that it means a lot. I will be sure to send you a PM sometime :)

[ecila92]

Hi, I've had all the symptoms you're suffering with in the past when my anxiety has been absolutely terrible, but after CBT things started looking up and I noticed I didn't have those symptoms/feelings anymore.

Maybe you're thinking into the symptoms too much and expect them to be there when you wake up in the morning? I wouldn't worry about it, it could be the anti depressants and a mixture of you're thinking pattern that's causing it.

Anti depressants made me feel like I couldn't focus on things and was always overly tired.

Well done for getting over the hard bit though! :)

[ecila92]

Hi again, I too have brain fog and struggling with memory, coordination etc

I came across this and remembered your post, you might find it helpful

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/depersonalisation_and_derealisation.html

[skippy66]

The question you must ask yourself is this: how much more of your life are you prepared to waste obsessing about your health. When I turned 30 I had my epiphany - health anxiety ruined a large chunk of my 20s and I will never get my 20s back ever again. I'm not letting it take ANY of my 30s away from me.

We are all going to die, so just enjoy the ride.

[Tessar]

Ah that's a nice message Tessar, thanks for that it means a lot. I will be sure to send you a PM sometime :)
thank u!!

[Col]

Hi gota,

Although I've only suffered with anxiety / panic attacks for 2 year and was always crazy, outgoing & larger than life, I have to be honest with my self and about myself.
Although I'm much better & try being optimistic, I honestly can say I feel like I I'll never fully 100% ' be myself again & therefore will never feel entirely normal. This has forever changed me, in so many ways, I have to accept & be grateful that I wake up every morning and can talk, walk & I have young kids my own house & a hubby.

But I don't think I'll ever fully be right or feel normal again.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Thanks Col, I appreciate your honesty.

Its not exactly what I wanted to hear as i always want to believe I can return to feeling normal and feel good. But that's how it goes, we take each day as it comes :)