View Full Version : Waves of depression. I dont know whether I have it or not.
Just like most of you on here I do worry about little things. I notice if I have an on going battle of problems such as physical health or stress it does make me depressed. I feel like I just want to give up sometimes and that life is not worth living with these constant problems. I feel as though it brings me down so much that I feel like I need to harm myself (even though I don't like to admit it) or I have thoughts that it would be better if I ended my life.
I cant bring myself to tell someone face to face about how I feel because I feel like I would start crying and I find that embarrassing so I tend to go all numb and not express how I feel properly to people.
Its been going on for ages now and I don't know what to do about it. I think its going to get to the stage where I really injure myself or end my life someday because of it.
I have constant battles right now with my sinuses and bladder problems and it just gets me down when they play up because it seems to be all the time. It really annoys me and yes it does actually feel like the best escape is death. I am sorry this thread sounds really horrible I just need to express how I am feeling.
What solutions can I do to overcome this? Does anyone have any ideas.
Hello lovely. All I can say to you is that there is nothing in life that can't be sorted. I know how you feel as I feel the same way. I have just posted on here fror the first time and can relate to all your feelings. I want to put somthing back so thought I'd try to offer you some words of comfort.
I know that you say you don't want to talk in case you cry but really crying is a natural response and needed to release tension. It's definitely not anyhting to surpress or be ashamed of. Would you be ashamed for smiling or laughing? It's just the same, normal human emotion. Professional counsellors know this and won't discourage you from crying. If you don't want to talk face to face, try The samaritans. You can speak in completed confidence on the phone and even e mail. They don't make judgements or tell you what to do but they do listen.
As for solutions, have you been to your GP? They will definately be able to help. Medication takes a while to get right and take effect I believe but everything I've read says it can help. Do they know about your worries with sinuses and bladder. Are they treating these too?
What about family and friends for support?
These are just a few ideas but I sincerely hope they give you the stregnth to do something and take the first small steps too getting better. Keep your chin up Pink Roxy. :hugs:
Thanks Pigeon.
I tend to close up a bit and go quiet when Im feeling bad and find it hard to tell someone how Im feeling. Im not that close to my parents to talk about these things. Sometimes I feel if people make a fuss about it it makes it worse such as getting me to do things and getting me to eat which is the last thing I want to do. I can go days without eating because of depression.
I have mentioned it to my GP but like I said its hard to talk about it. I do get my bladder and sinus problems sorted but it is like an on going thing which I have had enough of. I have friends but its hard to talk to them about it too its even hard to go and spend time with them as I feel like I am not enjoying myself and I want to run and hide.
Yes I do think about death its like sometimes I get so sick of the feeling of being depressed that wanting to die sounds good and harming myself can release the tension. But I don't think I would actually kill myself anyway at this stage, well depends how bad I can get I guess.
Thanks for your words and support I will try and find a way to get through it but it just does my head in at times.
Sparkle1984
14-01-13, 20:22
I think it is best if you go to the doctor's and ask for help. It is important to get help before you get to the stage of having harmful thoughts. Before my appointment I wrote a list of all my symptoms and worries so that I wouldn't forget to mention anything. Don't worry if you burst into tears during the appointment - doctors are used to that. You don't have to face this problem alone. :hugs:
I am sorry you feel this way. I think everyone here understands how hard it is. You do need to get help because you have a life to live and you have the right to enjoy it without suffering in this way. I agree that writing things down will help, I have basically just for and handed my doctor a list of my issues without really saying much before as I didn't think I would be able to explain it all. If you cry the worst that will happen is you will feel embarrassed and whilst a little embarrassment is uncomfortable it isn't as bad as going on dealing with these feelings on your own.
Thanks yeah I might have to do that then make a list. Im the type that cries easily over things and explaining something that makes me feel sad is hard to try not to cry. Even with health anxiety I at times find it hard to explain my symptoms without feeling like I want to cry and I know that is part of the anxiety and worry I go through with illnesses.
There are days when I go out and try and spend it with friends to try and make me feel better but it doesn't and I end up trying to act happy and put on a false smile and try and enjoy myself but then I just want to get out of there and go home and cry.
Thanks everyone
---------- Post added at 11:06 ---------- Previous post was at 11:02 ----------
Also I def have the symptoms. I notice I sleep a lot and still feel tired and I just move slowly. I find it a mission sometimes to make my bed and get dressed, I do anyway but it feels like such a mission.
PinkRoxy my love you must really go to the doctors. You mention it's hard to talk to friends/family but that's why counsellors are good. They are not emotionally involved and very skilled at what they do.
I know the feeling well of not being able to do anyhting. Mine is worse in the morning when the truck hits me (metaphor for how it feels when I wake up) and gets better around 5 or 6 at night when I almost (not actually, but almost) feel normal.
The eating thing is hard too. My tactic is to drink lots, especially milk. I'm taking, mulitvitamins and have bought some Complan from the chemists to have between or instead of meals. I put extra sugar in my tea and on cereals. Yogurt isn't too bad and I manage soup quite well as dry things are like cardboard. Now is the time to indulge in anyhting you fancy just to get some energy. No booze though - not a good idea especially if you're prescribed anyhting.
If you do just one thing tomorrow, ring your GP. Go on, just for me.
Today a fantastic person on here helped me get thought e long day. Now I feel I have a little more energy, I just want to give something back.
Promise me you'll try?:hugs:
---------- Post added at 22:25 ---------- Previous post was at 22:24 ----------
Thanks Pigeon.
Yeah I will try I am going to write a letter and maybe send it in as I find it hard to talk about it face to face.
It just gets bad and then other days its ok that I can cope it really drives me nuts though.
I cant even bring myself to try and eat I will eat if my tummy rumbles and I feel hungry but then I just feel sick really quickly halfway through what Im eating so I don't eat anymore.
Thanks though I am going to get it sorted I just got to think about what to do and have a plan that makes it easier for me without the anxiety too so I can get it fixed.
I am trying to write a letter to show my doctor about how Ive been feeling and Im stuck I don't know how to put it or how to even start it. It does my head in.
---------- Post added at 11:40 ---------- Previous post was at 10:02 ----------
I cant do this letter lol it makes me feel anxious. I HATE going to the doctor and talking about it :(
It just seems easier to have a way out such as death but I know I cant do that. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. It is so hard.
---------- Post added at 11:46 ---------- Previous post was at 11:40 ----------
When I get really down I have these thought that I think no one likes me much and I kind of crave to have someone to make me feel special to cheer me up. Does anyone ever feel like that?
Roxy, when I did this I did it in three columns. In one I wrote down all my physical symptoms, and in the other I put down all the things I was worried about, then I put down my feelings, so it went something like this:
Column 1:
tingling
numbness
shooting sensations
feeling like there is water running down my leg
wake up smelling weird smells in the middle of the night
Night sweats
headaches
Column 2:
Thoughts / worries
Neurological disease
Brain tumour
Column 3:
Depressed
anxious all the time
tight chest
Feel like I have to look things up online all the time to get reassurance
panic when I wake up
not sleeping
It wasn't exactly this as I am just doing it from memory but it was that sort of thing, if that helps at all?
Thanks Cattia. Another problem I have is I cant ring the doctor about it as I have a panic attack. Because Im scared. I got made to go and see the doctor last year by friends and family because I was depressed last year and I had to wait outside instead of the waiting room because I was having a panic attack and I didn't want to go in to the appointment. I did go in though and felt like I wanted to vomit but I didn't quite say what I needed to say and so I told her I was fine now and so it was a waste of time.
She asks me how Im feeling mood wise when I do see her and I just say fine. Its really annoying I cant do it I get really anxious and I hate that feeling so I want to avoid it. But I hate depression too. I don't know what to do. I have written some of the letter but I am too scared to make the next step. It drives me insane.
---------- Post added at 16:50 ---------- Previous post was at 16:28 ----------
I had some lunch today and was feeling hungry so I decided to eat something but after a few mouthfuls I couldn't eat anymore and felt like I wanted to vomit its so annoying I am sick of this. That puts me off eating now.
Hi Pink Roxy, What about asking a friend or relative to talk to them instead? They could take the letter in for you? Doctor won't be able to tell them anyhting due to confidentiality but at least they will know what's really going on and may have ideas about how they can start to help you.
I really think you could do with some counselling. I know you hate to talk about it but its the talking that will be part of the solution. Try to work out what it is that scares you about telling someone. No one is going to be shocked or judgemental about anything you say. It's completely confidential and they will have heard it all (and worse) before.
Your friends on here are all behind you and want you to be well. You say you want someone to make you feel special to cheer you up. The people who are taking to you on here are doing it because you are special to them. This is becuase you sound like a lovely person and you are trying to help others. Come on, have a think about what i'm saying and see if you don't think it's true? :bighug1:
---------- Post added at 09:01 ---------- Previous post was at 08:58 ----------
PS You've told us how you feel, so you perhaps you really can tell someone after all?:winks:
---------- Post added at 09:10 ---------- Previous post was at 09:01 ----------
PPS Perhaps if you can't write it, print this out and show it GP?
May be daft ideas but worth consideration?
Thanks Pigeon
I had some counselling sessions last year when I mentioned I was feeling down and they did help at the time and I took the advice from them. I just feel like I need some extra help as I cannot shake the depression feeling. I try and go out and be around people and be distracted but Im finding that I put on a false sense of happiness and I feel like I am faking it and I have the depressed feeling inside of me still. I then feel like I want to leave and cry because it really gets to me.
I really just want to be happy and I just need to get rid of that feeling for me to be able to start to be out so I can try and enjoy myself. I also did some copy and pasting in the letter I plan to give to my doctor. I just get this anxious feeling over me thinking about taking it into her it seems really scary. I did ring my doctors practice today for something else and my doctor isn't there until next week, so at least I have got some time to calm down before I give it to her.
I know that once I get that negative gloomy feeling away then I should be alright and yes it is hard living with it all the time.
Thanks for all your support aye <3
Your doctor will be impressed that you've helped her by writing things down and explaining your feelings.
The counselling helped before and it will do again. It takes time and you're not going to be cured overnight. There may be other things you need help with like diet, excercise and other activities that make you feel goood about yourself. Can't recall whether you said you had some medication?
I get the feeling you feel there's no solution to this but I know that many people have recovered rom depression and gone on to lead normal lives.
You have to believe this about yourself too
thanks. No Im not on medication yet for depression. I'm still considering whether I need it or not.
And thanks I hope I do get better I just need to get through the bad moments which when I usually feel like I would rather be dead as an instant escape from it.
Sparkle1984
16-01-13, 10:24
I kept a daily diary of my thoughts and feelings, and I printed it out and took it with me to the doctor's appointment, along with a summary of my main symptoms.
If you are sometimes getting feelings that you would rather be dead, then I'd say you probably do required medication for depression, but of course that's for your doctor to decide, I'm just talking from my personal experience. I know that medication and CBT has helped me a lot.
This is part of what I wrote in my notes which I took to the appointment:
About a month ago, just a couple of days before I was due to go on holiday with my family, I had a nightmare that the awful anxiety episode I had in August 2007 would come back and that I wouldn’t be able to relax fully. On the last day of work before my holiday, I had been planning to clear up all my "loose ends" but towards the end of the day I got distracted by someone and I forgot to tidy my desk. Just as I left the office, I realised I'd left an important password on my desk. While I was on holiday, I was scared someone would use the password to hack into the system and that I would get blamed for it.
During the holiday I found it hard to relax because I was so worried. Deep down, I knew it was unlikely the account would be hacked, but I just couldn't get it out of my head. My mind had become really irrational. It was as if my bad nightmare had come true. Even when the issue with the password was resolved, my anxious feelings didn't go away - they began to morph into something scarier. I felt nervous but I didn’t know why. I felt like I couldn’t chill out and relax properly. In the second week of the holiday, I started to get sleeping problems, although they were nowhere near as severe as they were 5 years ago. Sometimes I’d wake up with a fast heartbeat and not be able to go back to sleep properly. Some nights I had bad dreams and weird nightmares and this made it worse.
For the past few days since returning home from my holiday, I've been tormented by anxious thoughts, including morbid thoughts such as being scared of getting old and dying, and also worrying about my relatives getting old and dying. Even though I know it probably wouldn’t happen for many years, I worry about how I would cope. Sometimes I worry that when I’m older I’ll be lonely and that I’ll have no one to comfort me when I’m scared. I also sometimes worry about friends potentially moving away in future, which would make it difficult for me to see them very often, especially if any of my friends moved abroad. My best friend has mentioned in the past that she might move abroad once she gets married, and if that happened I'd really miss her.
I have had these morbid thoughts in the past, but usually when I’m in a happier mindset I’m able to block them out and not dwell on them. When I’m feeling down and anxious, like I have been for the past month, I find it harder to block them out.
Ever since this anxiety episode started a month ago I always have anxious thoughts in the back of my mind and I feel like there's a dark cloud hanging over me. When the thoughts come to the front of my mind they really scare me. This anxiety episode has come on so suddenly - just a month ago I was really happy and relaxed, and I had been feeling relaxed and happy for for the last 2 and a half years.
On Saturday I woke up really early in the morning and I just couldn't go back to sleep again. As soon as I fell asleep I woke up about a second later. I was so frustrated I broke down in tears. I just want my mind to go back to normal again. Right now, I feel as if things will never be the same again.
Pink Roxy if your thoughts are as described in your last post then I think you should consider some meds. Write your letter/notes, go and see her when she's back and follow the advice she gives.
Please do it for me and all the others who care about you on here. You really can do it you know. If I can, you can (and believe me I have been in a very bad place lately)
:hugs:
Thanks everyone.
I am going to make the step to do it aye. I went in last Friday to my doctor for something different it was just to get my urine checked but in the middle of that week before my appointment I was wondering if I needed medication for the way Im feeling and was going to mention it.
But then I was feeling alright and not so depressed that when I saw her I though I would be fine so I didn't talk to her about it.
She tends to ask me how my mood has been and how long it usually asks but it puts me on the spot and I feel too overwhelmed by it that I just respond to as fine and I cant recall how often I get it or not. So it didn't do too well.
I agree a letter is better or even a diary and I will probably book back in with my doctor maybe next week and give her the letter and we can go from there. But yes its the feeling of depression that makes life so horrible.
Well done lovely. Sounds like you got a plan!:yesyes:
I had a bit of a better day today I didn't feel so down. It felt like I had a bit of life in my mood in my mind. I didn't feel like I was in a black hole as much and I didn't even feel the need to cry so much.
The only part is that tonight my bladder felt slightly sore which I wasn't too happy about, its ok now and not sending me off to the toilet every five minutes, so it might be one of those times where it will just go and be alright well fingers crossed. Because I really don't want to have to go back into the doctors practice tomorrow morning in a lot of pain.
I do think its a chemical imbalance that plays tricks on the way I feel. I do know I have hormonal imbalances too which I am on the contraceptive pill.
Has anyone ever heard of the contraceptive pill playing tricks on people's moods? I have heard about it but don't know if its true or not.
I didn't have a very good day today. I went to visit some friends but I had waves of feeling down and at times I felt like I wanted to cry. I feel so delicate like things make me want to cry easily. Its so annoying and I just want to feel normal and happy again I am sick of being stuck in a black hole most of the time.
I am worried about when I go back to study on February the 18th last thing I need is to have a break down because of my depression and the study getting too much.
Hi Again
I just replied on my thread but noticed what you put on here too. The bladder issue can be caused by anxiety for sure - see symptoms on right hand side of page/ Not much of an expert about the contraceptive pill but may be worth talking to GP about differnt forms of contraception?
Pigeon
Yeah I know I've been through so many different contraceptive pills to try I was just reading about it the other day that I heard it can make people go crazy mood wise. The bladder issues are mainly just infections and cystitis but when I was having urgency issues I think that was to do with anxiety.
I did have some depression and anxiety issues before going on any contraceptive pill so I don't know for sure if its because of that.
I had a bad day today. I know no one reads my posts on this thread anymore but I just had to vent. things were going wrong for me this morning which put me in a bad mood and I spent the whole day wanting to cry I couldn't be around anybody as I just wanted to be on my own. I really did sink into the black hole today I couldn't bring myself out of it.
That is the problem I cant bring myself out of it as I just feel worse and worse. I do harm myself slightly like cut sometimes but its because I feel so negative that I want to hurt myself in some way. I do hope I have a better day tomorrow.
Hi Pink Roxy, Have you made the doctor's appt yet? Please do it as soon as possible and ask for some anti-depressants. You need help with the self-harming and it won't get better on it's own. Promise me you'll go???
I know how it feels, I found myself giving myself a slap across the face the other day (feel embarrassed to say this). It didn't help me in any way. Be brave and get help as soon as you can. I know your doctor can help if you just tellher what's going on
Lots of love
Pigeon
Hi Pigeon.
Thanks I haven't made one yet but I am going to I just got to wait till she is available. How have you been lately?
Im trying to clean out my room today and it feels like such an effort. I am still feeling down and depressed I cant seem to lift my mood and stabilise it.
I know I have to make a doctors appointment and I am trying to put it off because I feel too anxious I feel sick ringing them I feel like I am being far too annoying as I have been ringing the nurses and going in to see them a lot in the last year because of my bladder and I had to keep having urine tests. I feel like they would be sick of seeing or hearing from me.
I was just hoping the depression will go away and I will be feeling alright but I have been up and down well mainly down since Christmas so maybe I will have to go.
I really don't want to ring them though as Im scared :(
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, can you get someone else to call and make the appointment for you? They aren't going to be annoyed with you in fact I am sure they'll be impressed that you're tackling the problem and taking the first steps to get better.
Hi PinkRoxy
Sorry didn't reply to your earlier message. Been a bit rubbish but better now as usual for evenings.
I am off to GP tomorrow for review of meds and fitness for work. Why don't you come with me (not really but you know what i mean - we could go together and report back how we went on?)
I don't think you should worry you are a nuisance. You have a few health problems and that's their job!!! I know for a fact that some people visit on a regular basis for no apparent reason - but you have one - several in fact.
You have to put your health first before anyhting else in life and certainly before your embarrassment. I have no shame about going whenever I need to.
The depression won't go away on it's own - just like the bladder problems it needs medical attention. But you can't get this unless you tell them what is troubling you. My daughter works in a hospital and believe me, people present themselves with things that would make your problem seem like nothing - self inflicted much of the time.
I'm not trying to suggest your aniety and depression is trivial - far from it. To say that would mean know that mine is too but I can honestly say it's the worst thing I've ever experienced. Do be brave, pick up the phone, and I'll be holding your hand whilr you're doing it. What about it eh?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ok I will give them a ring tomorrow but I might have to make the appointment till next week because I think I will feel really anxious knowing its so close if I make one further apart it feels like it would give me some time to think about it and be ready for it if you know what I mean.
I cant make one with any doctor either it has to be my doctor I talk to as I feel more comfortable. But thanks I will do it I know I need to get it sorted before my study starts on the 18th of February. Im not sure if study will fix my depression or make it worse and I don't think I want to run the risk of making it worse.
I know Im being stupid being scared to make an appointment last year when my family made me make an appointment for that day because I sent the week in bed depressed but I was sick as well I literally had to leave the waiting room while I was waiting and go outside because I was having a panic attack. I really don't want to do that again. But I will try my best aye. Thanks to you both Cattia and Pigeon for being so supportive and especially when you both don't feel great yourselves.
Pigeon I hope your appointment goes well for you tomorrow and they are able to get it sorted for you :)
hi PinkRoxy... so many thoughts went through my mind as i read this thread for the first time, just now.. honey, you have to get someone on your side, someone who can help, and you know that's only going to happen if you get brave and be honest with your doc.
you've said a few times that you're scared to say it all... why? nothing bad is going to happen because you've unloaded it to a professional, in fact only good can come from it... and think what you'd be urging a loved one to do if it was them you were watching go through life feeling like this.
i totally believe in the writing things down method, if you find it impossible to do as a letter or list form about yourself, pretend you're writing a story, and call you 'she' in the story... then at the bottom, just put, 'dear doctor, the character in the story is me'... get it posted, and then make your appointment..
you deserve to be helped, this is an illness, a condition, just like anything else that people reach out for help for, and there is a lot of help out there. just get brave hun, you'll feel so proud and so hopeful afterwards, it's worth it.
Its because Ive never been able to truly express how I feel seriously. The doctor does ask me about my moods and when they are happening but I tend to freeze up and feel scared and overwhelmed to say anything truthful.
I have pretty much done a letter and Im doing short diary entries for each day so Im aware of how many days I feel really bad and if I have many good days.
Thanks for your support and encouragement I am going to get it sorted.
I finally did make an appointment but its not till next Wednesday I wanted it further ahead so it gives me some time to think about things and to write down what I've been feeling and how long the depression is lasting.
I sat on the couch thinking about for two hours previously knowing I should do it but was feeling really anxious to do it but I did do it and I hope I am able to get help. I guess if I just go in there get it all sorted now it will save me having lots of trips back to the doctor during the year because I am unable to fully express myself properly, as for this time and the letter it will be done all at once and I should be feeling better in no time without having to keep going back.
That is what I really want this year though is less doctor visits as I am sick of always having to pay off doctor bills every week like I did all of last year.
Thankyou all so much for you support and encouragement for me and helping me to feel better. I do know lately I have found it hard to cope with other friends problems when I worry so much about them too but its hard to cope when Im depressed myself.
Well hope everyone is having a good day :) Pigeon I hope your appointment went well.
---------- Post added at 11:59 ---------- Previous post was at 11:56 ----------
I also hope my bladder behaves and stays pain free when I go to my appointment because it always takes up all the attention and I have then run out of time to express other concerns like my depression.
well done on making the appointment, and getting your facts written down... two big steps to getting the help you deserve. :)
Thanks Daisy Sue
Im going to be so nervous though Im going to go blank probably but at least I will have a letter for her to read I guess.
I hope she is able to do something for me as I really would like to go back to my normal happy self. The sad thing is that my friends and family is even asking me what is wrong because I am not myself lately.
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