Wanting to be ill so that I have an excuse to give up

[sarbr]

Let me start by saying I'm a really nice girl, and I wouldn't wish illness on my worst enemy!

I've been finding things really hard recently and all I want to do is just curl into a ball and never come back out! I can't remember the last time I felt safe and looked after by anyone and it scares me.

I'm doing exams at the minute and just this week I went to the hospital because the retina in my eye is detached (has been for a while, but only small so doesn't affect my vision) and I had an increase in symptoms. Before I had the verdict I felt myself getting excited at the thought of it getting worse because that would mean surgery and time off. Yes I actually found myself wishing that my eye had got worse...that's when it hit me, that kind of thinking is not normal!!

I should be wishing to be healthy and well so that I can go and enjoy life and succeed in my exams, but instead I'm looking for every excuse in the book in case I fail. It's like I set myself up for failure before I've even started at something because I know that if I gave it my all and didn't succeed I wouldn't be able to handle it.

It sounds so pathetic which is why I can't tell anyone I know how I'm truly feeling. The thing is, I'm starting counselling again this week and I have to tell the counselor the truth otherwise how can they help me?? I've had CBT before and it helped with a lot of anxiety symptoms, but I feel like it only scratched the surface, and now once again I'm right back to square one.

Has anyone else ever felt this way or have I got something seriously wrong with my head??

Oh and by the way my eye is fine..and you'd think I'd be jumping for joy!

[paula lynne]

I feel for you. For years, I wished I had a broken leg, cancer of the adrenals, a brain tumour, all so I could say "SEE I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL"........and all the time it was the evil anxiety and panic playing tricks with me.....but it wasnt good enough, I needed to SHOW others I wasnt crazy.

There is nothing wrong with your head. You are under major stress with exams and this has made youe anxious thoughts come back with a vengence and bite you on the bum. Yes, tell the councellor exactly how you feel. This makes you a person who wants to get well, not a bad person.

Start preparing for revision and break it down into managable portions. If you fail, take them again. You are NOT your anxiety, you are worth so much more than that x. Good luck x

[MONKEE_MAGIK]

Hi Sarbr,

Sorry that you are having a hard time at the moment.

I read your post and could really relate to it as I have had longstanding anxiety issues and lately I have been thinking in a similar way to you.

I have really started to struggle at work as I doubt my ability to do my job despite the fact everyone else tells me different. It is just such a struggle to get through the day that sometimes I wish I had a reason to have to give up as seems easier than dealing with the anxiety. This is probably similar to what you are explaining as your exams will really be making you feel anxious.

Can I ask if you are a perfectionist? The reason I ask is that recently I have started to think that this may be the stem of my anxiety issues. It doesn't matter how well I may do something I never feel it is enough or that I have worked hard enough to achieve it. Is this something yo maybe relate to?

I have also had CBT and I think it was very good at dealing with anxiety when it happens but like you I spend alot of time thinking about the root cause of my anxiety.

There is nothing wrong with you, you are just going through a tough time.

Just keep up with the counselling and just be open with them about how you feel as I am sure they will be able to give you some good advice and support. Also don't be so tough on your self. You are only human, just like us all, and you have limits to how much you can do.

Rather than focusing on the what if's just think about what steps to take each day to get your self prepared for the exams. You will be fine!

Monkee :)

[sarbr]

Wow thanks for the nice responses I was worried that people would take it the wrong way! Monkee in response to your question I have extremely low self esteem so when I do something I always feel like it's not good enough, therefore I either spend loadssss of time on it or just give up on it from the start. Although when I think of a perfectionist I think of a really orderly and organised person which is the complete opposite of what I am! haha

Paula it's interesting you should say that..do you think it's because other illnesses are more visible to other people so that people are more empathetic towards someone with a physical disease? I think part of the reason that I wish there was something physically wrong with me is because of the stigma surrounding mental health problems and the lack of support you get from others for the way it affects your life. Like if I failed these exams because I needed surgery people would be more understanding than if I failed because of anxiety.

Thankyou for understanding you've made me feel a lot better cos I thought it made me a really bad person for thinking like that. I will definately mention it to the councellor who I'm seeing on Wednesday :)

[Arnie365]

Hi sarbr, can totally relate to this. Suffered with anxiety about my heart for months now and have almost wished myself to have a heart attack just so I could say "see I was right". It's obviously not a rationale thought though and thankfully not having them any more.

[sarbr]

It's shocking to see how many people feel the same way..must be just one of the many irrational thoughts anxiety can bring! I wonder why though because at the same time I'm scared of becoming ill?!

[Arnie365]

It's because you refuse to believe that it's not a serious problem. You convince yourself that it is and then when the doctors and tests keep telling you you are fine you get frustrated and almost wish an illness on just so they will treat it seriously.

It's totally irrational as you say. My biggest fear is dying and not seeing my new baby so why would I wish a heart attack on? It's an irrational cry for help. The alternative is accept the doctors are right and it is anxiety. As soon as you start acceptance, the symptoms start to fade away.

I hardly have any chest pains now ever since I've accepted it's anxiety.

[sarbr]

That's exactly it! I'm in complete denial about my anxiety, to the point where I feel like I'm lying or exaggerating when I go to get help. But no one can help me until I admit it to myself :/

I'm glad to hear that your doing much better than before! Have you got a baby on the way? Congratulations :)

[Arnie365]

Yes, our first, thanks. I've always had a fear of dying and having a heart attack. Think I'm getting to the bottom of why and it goes back to childhood.

I wish acceptance was easy. It's taken me months and sooooo many tests I've lost count but the doctors have been right all along. Just wish it was that easy to believe them in the first place but could have saved myself a lot of misery if I had been able to.

Good luck

[Sparkle1984]

Maybe you could ask your doctor if they think a course of SSRI medication could help you? It could give you some space to learn coping techniques and help you be calm for when you do your exams. Plus you can always ask to be referred for CBT again if you feel you would benefit from it again. :)

[paula lynne]

Yes, I DO think its easier to "show" someone there is something wrong.....and I dont think people take us seriously, they think its in our heads, WE think its in our heads...and then its downhill all the way. You are NOT alone x

[AuntieMoosie]

Yes I'm completely understanding you too hun :)

I don't have health anxiety but I do have general anxiety and panic disorder and am agoraphobic :)

I so recognise your wanting to curl up into a ball. It's a safety thing hun, I always immediately take to my bed if I'm feeling stressed or frightened, I just think "I've got to hide! I've got to hide" and that's exactly what I do, it's something I'm working very hard to overcome using my CBT now but it's a hard habit to shift :)

You know, I think the very worse thing about anxiety is that nobody can see it, to the whole world and his wife, you look and seem fine, this isn't exclusively for anxiety either, it happens to anyone suffering from any mental health illness.

I remember years ago saying to my doctor that I wished I could produce a massive lump right on my forehead whenever I was depressed or frightened, and the worse I would feel the bigger and redder this lump would get just so that I could say " look!!! you see this lump, well that's how bad I'm feeling inside my head!!!!" Fortunately my doctor was brilliant with mental health issues and, thankfully, he didn't have me carted off by men wearing white jackets :roflmao: He totally understood what I was saying :)

So it's not unusual for people to kind of want to have something really physical and really noticeable, it's just you're wanting to try and get over to everyone and his wife, just how damn ill you're feeling :)

What sort of counselling are you having hun?? If it's psychotherapy I think you'll find it really beneficial, I know it helped me so much :) Once you've finished your counselling, you could always have another go at CBT to help you even more hun :)

Paula :) I've only just noticed and read your sig hun and I've got to say that it is brilliant :D That's the best thing I've seen in a long time and it's oh so very true :)
THE BUTTERFLY OF FREEDOM
WHY DO YOU FLY OUTSIDE THE BOX?
I FLY OUTSIDE THE BOX BECAUSE I CAN.......
BUT WE KNOW THE BOX, WE ARE SAFE INSIDE THE BOX!
THAT MY FRIEND IS WHY I LEAVE IT.....BECAUSE YOU MAY BE SAFE, BUT I AM FREE!!!

LOVE IT! LOVE IT AND LOVE IT :D

[sarbr]

Thanks for the kind words everyone..I have my first exam today so wish me luck! I'm so nervous it's my first one in 3 years and of course I'm running through everything that could go wrong haha!



I remember years ago saying to my doctor that I wished I could produce a massive lump right on my forehead whenever I was depressed or frightened, and the worse I would feel the bigger and redder this lump would get just so that I could say " look!!! you see this lump, well that's how bad I'm feeling inside my head!!!!" Fortunately my doctor was brilliant with mental health issues and, thankfully, he didn't have me carted off by men wearing white jackets :roflmao: He totally understood what I was saying :)
LOVE IT! LOVE IT AND LOVE IT :D AuntieMoosie that's the best thing I've ever heard, and so true :roflmao:

I'm seeing a counsellor through our uni's mental health service..I don't think its a lot of sessions though but it's a starting point. I've written down everything I've been feeling this week because I tend to go into denial mode right before a counselling session and then forget everything I needed to say.

I'm one of the lucky ones because my lecturers and tutors are all health professionals themselves and so by nature their all very kind and understanding towards me. I don't want to go on medication until I've tried every other option of treatment..however these aren't always easy to access through the nhs and the waiting lists are always really long. Have any of you ever had counselling through the nhs with the limited number of sessions and found it to be successful??

Sarah xx