View Full Version : Can I get worse? It seems I can.
Hi guys. Tried to restrict myself starting a new thread but I'm at my very worst.
Back on Citalopram after a 5 month break (before i stopped I had the best lease of life you could imagine). On my 7th day back on 20mg and I'm at my very lowest. It's now constant shaking and anxiety attacks. I can't even leave my bedroom or have anyone come in and see me.
Had anxiety attacks all last night, finally slept, woke up at 2:30am and had anxiety attacks, rang NHS direct for an hour followed by an out of hours GP. The GP just reassured me on my medication but told me to call my GP. I rang my GP this morning (had very little sleep and anxiety already) and I told them that there was NO way I was able to come into the surgery to see anyone so they are now arranging for someone to come and see me.
Only in this last week I've ever felt this bad to the point where I can't leave my bedroom.
Is it possible to get even worse than this?? Surely the next step is a psychiatric hospital?
I'm a broken defeated man. This is now effecting every aspect of daily living.
Has anyone ever felt this bad?
Hi hun
Yes I have felt that bad on about 4 occasions. Remember it's the meds maybe you should have started on 10mg. Let me know how you are and what the Doc says, have you got anybody with you?
Jackie x
Dear Steveo,
It's the Citalopram starting up side effects for sure. It is horrible and like Jackie I've been through it numerous times, it does go - definately, every time. It sounds like you need some Diazepam and some night sedation to get you through this tough time. Don't worry about addiction, it's a short term solution to help you ride out the side effects, your mind and body need some respite from the sensitisation that your nerves are feeling.
You will not get admitted to a psychiatric hospital, nowadays that's reserved for people who are at risk of harm and/or psychotic - which you are not, no matter how bad you feel. 10 years ago I fought to be admitted after starting on Citalopram and feeling, I imagine, like you are now, I had an influential friend with me who persuaded the psych's to admit me and it was not helpful, the experience was traumatic and sadly there is nothing they can do in hospital to help you - in my opinion.
Try to take each minute at a time, distract yourself as much as possible, float with the feelings - do not fight them, try to eat and drink something - it helps remove some of the drugs side effects and ask your doc for a sedative.
Love and :hugs: Sam x
Hi, I've never had It that bad, but I had a really bad anxiety attack on new years eve and I did feel like cutting myself, thinking this would stop it. I have realised that alcohol makes my anxiety 10 x worse and I havn't had a drink since new year. I had a bad attack the other night and taking beta blockers really helped calm me down, so maybe ask your doctor for some!!
Liz
Cocomademoiselle
15-01-13, 11:19
Sorry your going through such a tough time :(
I too in the past expected to be sectioned and walked in the GP surgery convinced I wouldnt come home. Its the anxiety and depression making you feel like you are going mad. I was in a real bad state and the doctor was not concerned as in wanting to send me to crisis team or anything like that. He was so calm and seemed not shocked, in hindsight that probably meant that anxiety is more common and we are not going mad its the symptoms that make us think we are.
I think yes your GP should be able to give you a home visit and to me it definately sounds like you could do with some short term diazepam to get you through the start up effects of Citalopram and also a sleeping tablet to help you sleep (short term).
Did you start on 20mg straight away ? I only ask because even though the doctors dont always advise, most people (and you will see people on here say the same) to start off slowly to get it into your system reduces the side effects and worsening anxiety. Maybe start off taking half a 10mg tablet for the first week then a whole one and work your way up to 20 mg perhaps.
Did Citalopram work for you the first time around before you came off it 5 months ago ?
Hugs
Hi everyone.
It really warms my heart to read all your lovely replies. Apart from my parents who live in different ends of the countries, no one really understands what I'm going through unless they've been there themselves, so thankyou.
Yes the doctor started me straight away on 20mg which I only just clicked upon yesterday. I am still in bed after a terrible night of very little sleep and alot of panic.
Still waiting for the on call doctor to come and see me. On the phone he sounded surprised I was unable to make it to the surgery and seemed annoyed I wanted a call out but I find doctors lack the tact that a nurse has.
I am up now and just had a chat with my housemate who has been very helpful. He said if I just want some company for today then he will be in his bedroom playing computer games and I'm more than welcome to take my laptop up there just so I'm not on my own. A nice offer which I will take up. Guess I'm feeling 3 now on a scale of 1 to 10.
I don't know what I would do without this website and most of all, you lovely people. Since 2007 when I joined, you have always been here for me. Even at 4:30am this morning there was a lovely chap in the chatroom. It makes me feel so good to know that you have been where I've been so I'm not going crazy.
Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
---------- Post added at 13:21 ---------- Previous post was at 12:35 ----------
Just a quick update.
The on call doctor came round. He was very nice and recommended that I cut the dose from 20mg to 10mg until Im OK. I knew this to be the case anyway. I can truely say the 20mg has knocked me for six!
Can you all remember what dosage you started on?
He also reassured me about the use of diazapam. He is happy for me to take 5mg a day if I need it.
Just reading this has given me a little more hope that I am not alone, and today is the first day I feel in this 'reality' and your post has made me cry out of relief that it's not just me! :weep:
I hope you continue to feel better today :hugs:
Feel free to PM me ynos. Its not good to be alone which is why I come here. We can go through this together.
LittleSongbird
15-01-13, 15:07
Me too, I am depressed now. I don't have patient, any, I feel that I'm so weak and useless :(
Today I had another panic attack due to my anxious, and it causes arrhythmia when I burp and I worried a lot. When I think about the future I am too despair, because I think I CANT LIVE NORMAL like before. I think I can't drive my own motorbike because I scared panic attack will come when nobody's around me. I have to go to school everyday and it ruins my life.
I am still learning CBT and get some positive results but it's not enough yet, and I know that you and I must give it time. We'll get there some day.
Hi there!
I started citalopram over a year ago and about a week into taking it my anxiety, panic attacks and suicidal ideation went through the roof. i was given 15 mgs of diazepam a day to cope until the symptoms eased off. it was absolutely horrific. When I was upped from 20 to 40 mgs i went through exactly the same thing again and I'm currently on 30 mgs. During the past year my agoraphobia has also gotten to ridiculous proportions. The last time I managed out was Christmas day. Although it has been agreed between my doc and other support in my life that this medication really doesn't work for me (and no one can say I haven't given it a good bash) the symptoms do ease off. I have been referred to psychiatry as my doctor is unwilling to go through the process of taking me down off it and trying something else in case I experience exactly the same thing again. It really was that bad lol Ah! such is the nature of finding the right drug therapy. Can I also add that throughout the really rough times I did remain at home with my children even though it was a struggle and a half for a wee while.it may feel like hell at the time but you are far from alone in this experience.
Take care
Pooh x
Hi hun
Glad you are feeling a little better. You will get there in the end. I often wonder if I actually need the citalopram, not sure if it has changed my brain chemistry. I am currently on 30mg since last week, was on 20MG for 5 years. Sometimes I wonder whether I was able to cope with stress better before the Cit. I had a stressful job, doc gave me 20MG of Cit with not much guidance really, I went travelling for 1.5 years I didnt take them, I was fine. Maybe I need a change. Why do they change meds is it because the old ones stop working?
Little SongBird I see you are from Vietnam I went there on my travels very beautiful.
Jackie x
I was the same with the tablets and after a week it stopped and they worked for me the first time but second time around they didn't so I tried a different tablet
Hi guys. Just an update.
Today has been alot less painful than I originally worried it to be seeming as I've had no sleep and constant anxiety. I haven't taken a diazapam today and this after noon the anxiety has eased off considerably. Still not ready to venture outdoors but if I can get through this evening, tonight and tomorrow morning then tomorrow I just know I will be ok!
I think changing dose down to 10mg has made a huge difference and seeming as I am at the 7 day mark, it's bound to get better from here.
I realised my post this morning was very negative and reflected the mood I was feeling and I notice alot of you have commented with the same thoughts. I want to bring a positive to this to say what a difference a day makes. I've stopped thinking about tomorrow and the day after tomorrow but just giving myself little goals throughout the day.
If I want another night like I had last night, then I could quite easily give myself one by worrying about it. My mind is also capable of giving me a great nights sleep. At the time though, it seemed impossible to get out of that dark scary tunnel !
stevo I just want to send you lots of hugs. I have been where you are now and all I can say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I still get blips but have more positive days than negatives. There was a time when I could not leave my room and cried day and night thinking I was going crazy but things are getting better for me and they will for you too. :bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
Thanks Annie! The hugs are very much needed right now! I'm just feeling better thanks to everyone on here to be honest. I feel less alone and more 'normal'. Thankyou! x
Thanks Annie! The hugs are very much needed right now! I'm just feeling better thanks to everyone on here to be honest. I feel less alone and more 'normal'. Thankyou! x
Pleased to hear that :)
almamatters
15-01-13, 18:27
Hi Stevo I just wanted to say I can relate to you posts I have been really low before, have spent days in bed unable to even find the strength to get out, cried for hours on end and generally have been at rock bottom. Like Annie said things do get better and I am glad today has been a little bit more positive for you. :hugs: :hugs:
Just read the update and I'm glad you are feeling a bit better
:hugs:
Off to sleep now. Hopefully I'm going to get a full nights sleep this time! I've stupidly started worrying about it and about tomorrow which is a silly thing to do!
One thing I want to ask people! Since being back on Citalopram and getting awful anxiety, my appetite has reduced almost to nothing which I'm again a bit worried about. I'm managing smoothies and a yogurt and I;m drinking alot of water but that's about it!
LittleSongbird
15-01-13, 22:07
Good luck to you hun! Everything will be fine xX
LittleSongbird
16-01-13, 03:50
Hi hun
Glad you are feeling a little better. You will get there in the end. I often wonder if I actually need the citalopram, not sure if it has changed my brain chemistry. I am currently on 30mg since last week, was on 20MG for 5 years. Sometimes I wonder whether I was able to cope with stress better before the Cit. I had a stressful job, doc gave me 20MG of Cit with not much guidance really, I went travelling for 1.5 years I didnt take them, I was fine. Maybe I need a change. Why do they change meds is it because the old ones stop working?
Little SongBird I see you are from Vietnam I went there on my travels very beautiful.
Jackie x
Thank you for having nice memories with my country :D it's peaceful country and Vietnamese people are friendly also. Where did you go in my country, which city and place?
Update from me.
After a relatively good day yesterday although still not leaving the house, I got worse the nearer to sleep i got. I was worrying about whether I would sleep or not (silly because worrying about whether I will sleep or not is a sure fire way to NOT sleep). Anyway, a mixture of tiredness and anxiety caused racing thoughts and very scary and unusual sensations everytime I closed my eyes. I was almost dreaming as soon as my eyes were closed. I slept very broken until midnight where I had a full panic attack. Downed 2.5mg Diaz and rang NHS direct again. Diaz took 40 mins to kick in. NHS rang me back straight away and it was the same nurse as the night before which was fantastic! Both she and the diazapam slowly calmed me down. I could barely even talk to her during the last few mins as I was so tired. I drifted off to a night of vivid dreams but full sleep until just before 8am this morning. Then another short nap until 10am.
My goal today is to leave the house and get some fresh air and not spend the day in my room on my bed. I also need to eat as I havent eaten in days! If I can tire myself out a bit then prehaps I can sleep well tonight!
I'm also keeping a 'mood diary' which I'm trying to write in every hour, scoring my anxiety level from 0 - 10.
Might try another short nap and then try to get on with my day.
x
A little walk seems a great idea, I am going to do the same! I'm not a great one for advice giving but I think you need to eat........what do you enjoy eating, think of every food and see if anything makes you go yep.....I'll have that!
Wishing the walks do us both good! It will be the first time out of my garden in 5 days!
Sending lots of :hugs: and will be back in a while to tell of my walk......:D
missfishlash
16-01-13, 11:46
Sorry you didnt have such a good night Steveo....Im gonna get up and go walkies too now...look what youve started! :hugs:
I saw every hour on the clock last night :( I too am going to get out for some fresh air though :)
Haven't been outside yet. Shall we all report back later to see how we felt today?
I've come up with a scoring system to score my anxiety on. I score from 0 - 10. 10 obviously being the very very worse and 0 being nothing at all!
Im feeling 5 today. I kept a diary every hour yesterday and it was mostly 3's until night time.
I am back! Thought I better go get out before I talked myself out of it! It was cold,fresh and I even said morning to a couple of dog walkers, felt a bit 'normal' lol
I took everything with me' just in case' but it was fine, even typing this I have surprised myself........I am not really sure what I thought would happen! It goes one step further than that too! I was chatting along in my head thinking should I just try the shop too?? (even before I have always had a fear of shopping so much so that my hubby always does it & I only really go when he's with me........but I thought everyone was a bit like that.......now I realise I have been anxious for a lot longer than I realised...but that's another story. Anyway back to the point I thought about the eating thing with Steveo and started wanted one of my comforts so i only managed to go in & buy some tea cakes!! I have now had 2 buttered tea cakes & a lovely (decaff ) coffee and feeling sooooo proud of myself I just had to share!! It really is bizarre the ups & downs!
Hope to hear others walks soon..... The power of some fresh air
:hugs: to all x
So you're feeling better from it? I havent dared leave my bedroom yet for too long.
Sooo much better for it! Just kept saying to myself one leg in front the other, and got up and out within 2 mins of the post ( didn't even bother to shower which is so unlike me but I knew if I had time to dwell on how I might feel I wouldn't do it just had to go with it and kept saying I can do this!) & if you need to go back home you can always run.....well that was my reasoning....... Hope that helps x
I;m not good today. Just burst out in tears. I tried things. I went to my garden and I walked outside the front door to my car to get something out of the boot. I only feel managable when Im lying in my bed watching something. I no longer know how to cope. I had such a better day yesterday. I dont want to have to keep taking diazapam. My head is muggy as it is. I cant concentrate. Nothing is helping. Im so scared. What can I do?
Hun
You WILL feel better. I have been on 20mg of Cit for 5 years, due to a personal issue they upped my meds by 10mg last (wished now that they hadn't) but hey hoy! Even though it was only 10mg last week was terrible but feel much better now, stick with it, it's the meds, you will have strange thoughts and sensations every day.
Why not ease up on the diazepam, if you have an anxiety attack, see if you can manage it, if not, take a diazepam as a last resort, you will surprise yourself how much you can handle, try and right everything down ALL the time.
Jackie xx
I've taken very little diazapam. Only twice now. Today I have been in constant fear. The only thing that makes me feel ok is being in my bedroom in the quiet, lying down. Can't even handle the TV or anything else. Im not eating. Im not sleeping. Im in a constant state of panic.
I think I might be having a nervous breakdown? Is this possible?
I don't even know what a nervous breakdown is...........So can't answer that ....but here for support.......nhs are good, they get paid to help on a physical level .......we are all here x
I have been there, and it's a horrible, terrifying experience. But you can and will get better and enjoy life again, even it takes a little time. x
Hello everyone..I have noticed Steveo hasn't been on today..hoping he's ok x
I've taken very little diazapam. Only twice now. Today I have been in constant fear. The only thing that makes me feel ok is being in my bedroom in the quiet, lying down. Can't even handle the TV or anything else. Im not eating. Im not sleeping. Im in a constant state of panic.
I have been in that same situation and I know it feels so awful and you feel like you will never be well again but you WILL. There have been times when I have felt so bad that I thought I would be better of dead but it has got better and you will also get better. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better now. Try to eat little snacks at often as you can. I had a packet of rich tea biscuits by my bed and just had little nibbles of those. Fruit juice will help also and fruit teas. chamomile tea. I am preparing now for a phased return to work and a few weeks ago I just could not see that happening. Medication and counselling have helped and the thing that has helped me the most is trying to focus on the positives. Ok you think there are no positives at the moment. Any little thing that you can achieve, remember that you achieved it. Don't try to fight the anxiety, accept it and tell yourself this is my illness I accept it and will wait to get better. You WILL get better and you CAN be happy again. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Thought I would try and stay off this website for a month as I felt talking and constantly thinking about my condition was making it worse. It's part of the stupid Charles Linden method which I tried. I slowly got myself a bit better by distraction and not thinking about it, but eventually when I ran out of things to think about, it came back worse than ever so I am now back to where I was when I started this post.
My dad has had to come up to look after me now.
I'm back to almost fully housebound. Had to start taking Diazapam daily. Have read and tried every panic/anxiety book under the sun.
I've been on Citalopram for a month now so I increased to 20mg today.
I'm assuming I'm going to have the same problems again to start with now that my dose is being increased but I don't think things can get much worse.
On saturday I gave up completely. Didn't get out of bed or even open my eyes. I tried so hard for the week prior to that to get out and about with my dad but felt absolutely horrible and frightened each and every time so I thought what's the point. All I thought about on saturday was how all this panic would be over if I was to end it all but I couldn't put my dad or girlfriend through that so for there sake and there sake alone, I wouldn't act on my thoughts.
My main anxiety attacks are caused by 'WHAT IF' thoughts that I can't control or fight or even try and reason with. I'm thinking constantly about the future. WHAT IF I panic again tonight. What if I can't sleep again tomorrow. What if what if what if.
My depersonalisation is very bad. Last night I was confused and just didn't feel like I was really there. Also, throughout the day, I seem to keep remembering dreams I've had from years ago, all flooding back to me. Normally I can never remember dreams, especially ones I've had along time ago. I can't stand people being in the house or being around me as it worsens my symptoms which worsens my fear.
Lost over a stone in weight. Started CBT but only one week as the guy cancelled on me yesterday. My mum is now going to pay for me to see a psychiatrist.
The only thing that I feel good about, is that last September my mum (who also has a life long history of this) had exactly the same problem as me that I didn't know about. She would lie rocking in the fetal position all day long which isn't like her at all. She then went to a psychiatrist who upped her dose of Seroxat and for a month put her on Olanzopine (an anti psychotic although she wasn't thought to be, apparently it can be used for anxiety). Apparently the drugs made her feel better straight away and had no problems after a month and has had no problems since.
The problem is, she believes anything and doesn't worry about taking meds. You could tell her that wearing a red hat cures anxiety and it would cure her. I'm more skeptical having a medical and scientific background and a nursing degree.
Sorry for the long post. Just thought I would update everyone on how I am doing. I'm on diazapam as we speak otherwise I wouldn't be able to type this out, I would be in bed rocking.
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