Ferry1995
15-01-13, 21:34
I've been using this forum for a while now and apart from the odd post for seeking reassurance I haven't been the most active of posters, but I'll just fill you in on my story. I don't know exactly what it is I've got, I don't want to put a label on it, it's more of a big melting pot of GAD, Pure O, Health anxiety, Social anxiety, Depression, I'm not sure exactly, I've had fluctuating levels of anxiety all my life, probably stemming from the fact I didn't have the easiest time in primary school and to a lesser extent secondary school, I used to spend great swathes of my time worrying as a child and never really found myself able to fit in or be totally content with my life, especially though secondary school, I was on medication since I was 11 for anxiety, mainly for emnetophobia.
Things got a bit better towards the end of comp, I got GCSE grades I was proud of, I found myself some hobbies ( music being the main one ) and had a pretty strong friend group, I began to have a bit more success with the opposite sex, which had always been a big worry. It all started to change about 3-4 months into sixth form, I found myself unable to concentrate and really get into the work, I never felt like I fit in as well there, so I dropped out with no real idea of what to do from there. Pretty soon after that I got into my first proper girlfriend which filled in a lot of my time but after a while I found myself unhappy and questioned why, I ended the relationship thinking that was the reason, but it didn't seem to get much better.
I remember the day things took a turn for the worse, I remember getting out of my chair one day and immediately I began to feel dizzy, my heart started to pound and I got really scared, I was so sure I was going to die, I knew I had a brain tumour and I remember sitting in my room for the next hour panicing, unsure of what to do, the symptoms faded after a bit but things were never really the same after that, I went through a few weeks of 2-3 panic attacks a day, and there was always this constant worry I had a brain tumor, there were times I could distract myself and regularly went out with my friends despite my problem, I even managed a family holiday with a bit of difficulty, a few days after coming back I had the biggest panic attack yet and the first signs of Depersonalisation began to appear, I finally went to the doctor about it ( 2 days before my job interview ) and as I'd recovered with antidepressants in the past, I was put on a pretty low dose, the next day I got a call saying I got the job, and was due to start a few days later, but by that point the side effects of going onto the meds were incredibly bad, insomnia, lack of appetite, constant lethargy. I struggled through my first shift but gradually things started to get easier over the next few weeks. About 5 weeks into taking them there was still a lingering level of side effects, and instead of giving them a chance to work, I came off them, probably the biggest mistake of my life.
I felt really good for about a week, I'd just started a new college course, which I loved. I was holding down a part time job and I was starting to become a lot more active socially, my parents were due to go away for a week and feeling I could handle it I agreed to stop in the house alone, the first night I decided to have a party, drank far too much and passed out. the next day things really hit rock bottom, I'm not sure why it happened, mabye the alchohol, mabye the fact my parents weren't there to reassure me, mabye coming off the medicaton. suddenly this intense feeling of hopelessness hit me, the world began looking so dark and unreal, there was no reason behind these feelings, I spent the next week in and out of A+E with mental health crisis teams, I was at my GP a lot over the next few weeks, begging to be put back on the antidepressants, but I was refused every time, I had councilling, CBT, hypnotherapy, nothing worked, I felt as a 17 year old, my life was over and I was gradually going mad, I was incredibly socially withdrawn, I spent a long time convinced I had schizophrenia, that one day I would start hallucinating. eventually I just got so sick of it all, I'm not one to throw the towel in so I decided to throw everything I had at this problem, I began excersizing 5 times a week, taking vitamin B, Fish oil and 5htp, I developed coping strategies, made myself start seeing people again, joined a new band, I had a couple of relapses but for the most part I think i'm much better now, much better than I was before the anxiety started in fact, the derealisation has cleared itself up for the most part, my memory is getting back to normal and the obsessional thoughts are going away, all without medication. I have the odd really bad day but they're becoming less, as an indirect result of my problem i've made so many new friends, found new hobbies, generally cleaned my life up so much, 8 months of hell and I feel much better.
Just to anyone out there who feels hopeless, there's always a way to get to a better place , I know a lot of people have suffered a lot longer than me, I know i'll always have anxiety. I feel so much better about life and so much more determined to make a full recovery.
Things got a bit better towards the end of comp, I got GCSE grades I was proud of, I found myself some hobbies ( music being the main one ) and had a pretty strong friend group, I began to have a bit more success with the opposite sex, which had always been a big worry. It all started to change about 3-4 months into sixth form, I found myself unable to concentrate and really get into the work, I never felt like I fit in as well there, so I dropped out with no real idea of what to do from there. Pretty soon after that I got into my first proper girlfriend which filled in a lot of my time but after a while I found myself unhappy and questioned why, I ended the relationship thinking that was the reason, but it didn't seem to get much better.
I remember the day things took a turn for the worse, I remember getting out of my chair one day and immediately I began to feel dizzy, my heart started to pound and I got really scared, I was so sure I was going to die, I knew I had a brain tumour and I remember sitting in my room for the next hour panicing, unsure of what to do, the symptoms faded after a bit but things were never really the same after that, I went through a few weeks of 2-3 panic attacks a day, and there was always this constant worry I had a brain tumor, there were times I could distract myself and regularly went out with my friends despite my problem, I even managed a family holiday with a bit of difficulty, a few days after coming back I had the biggest panic attack yet and the first signs of Depersonalisation began to appear, I finally went to the doctor about it ( 2 days before my job interview ) and as I'd recovered with antidepressants in the past, I was put on a pretty low dose, the next day I got a call saying I got the job, and was due to start a few days later, but by that point the side effects of going onto the meds were incredibly bad, insomnia, lack of appetite, constant lethargy. I struggled through my first shift but gradually things started to get easier over the next few weeks. About 5 weeks into taking them there was still a lingering level of side effects, and instead of giving them a chance to work, I came off them, probably the biggest mistake of my life.
I felt really good for about a week, I'd just started a new college course, which I loved. I was holding down a part time job and I was starting to become a lot more active socially, my parents were due to go away for a week and feeling I could handle it I agreed to stop in the house alone, the first night I decided to have a party, drank far too much and passed out. the next day things really hit rock bottom, I'm not sure why it happened, mabye the alchohol, mabye the fact my parents weren't there to reassure me, mabye coming off the medicaton. suddenly this intense feeling of hopelessness hit me, the world began looking so dark and unreal, there was no reason behind these feelings, I spent the next week in and out of A+E with mental health crisis teams, I was at my GP a lot over the next few weeks, begging to be put back on the antidepressants, but I was refused every time, I had councilling, CBT, hypnotherapy, nothing worked, I felt as a 17 year old, my life was over and I was gradually going mad, I was incredibly socially withdrawn, I spent a long time convinced I had schizophrenia, that one day I would start hallucinating. eventually I just got so sick of it all, I'm not one to throw the towel in so I decided to throw everything I had at this problem, I began excersizing 5 times a week, taking vitamin B, Fish oil and 5htp, I developed coping strategies, made myself start seeing people again, joined a new band, I had a couple of relapses but for the most part I think i'm much better now, much better than I was before the anxiety started in fact, the derealisation has cleared itself up for the most part, my memory is getting back to normal and the obsessional thoughts are going away, all without medication. I have the odd really bad day but they're becoming less, as an indirect result of my problem i've made so many new friends, found new hobbies, generally cleaned my life up so much, 8 months of hell and I feel much better.
Just to anyone out there who feels hopeless, there's always a way to get to a better place , I know a lot of people have suffered a lot longer than me, I know i'll always have anxiety. I feel so much better about life and so much more determined to make a full recovery.