lamb4
17-01-13, 01:54
Hello everyone!
I'm a long time lurker of these forums and I'd like to thank everyone on how much your posts and discussions have helped me through tough times- just by helping me feel somewhat 'normal' when all these strange things are happening! I wanted to share my story and the things I've done that have helped me (I'm not a 100% YET, but my God I am pushing myself in that direction every waking moment). I'm 22 years old and 2 months ago I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. You could definitely say that I have always been an anxious person, my negative thinking and catastrophising began at six years old after my parents divorced. I recall getting nervous when my mother didn't come home on time or she wouldn't answer her phone- "oh no she must be dead, there must have been an accident" and I would have these horrible images flash through my mind of car wrecks and disasters. The racing heart, the shaking legs, the general feeling of 'doom & gloom' that would come over me was a frequent recurrence- I always just attributed it to 'feeling scared', not a disorder or anxiety. Anyway, I made it through my teenage years like this as well- still thinking about death, fearing meeting new people and fearing lots of things in general.. but hey, I could still be happy! BUT this is where I began to see myself physically & mentally falling apart:
For the past two years I have been under immense pressure and stress, I was in a toxic relationship that I just 'settled' in, I became mildly depressed but masked it quite well, meaning that I could still go out and put on a brave face and be strong for anyone else when they were falling apart. In fact, I masked most of my issues quite well and just pushed through the anxiety without ever recognising it as something unusual. Up until this point I had never had a panic attack (which is surprising). I work as a model and in June 2012 I had probably taken a few too many cold & flu tablets in a short amount of time on an empty tummy- I was sick, standing on my feet for 4 hours in heels and then SOMETHING had come over about 5 minutes after I had the thought of 'perhaps I took too many tablets, I should've waited four hours before my next dose'.. I remember it clearly, this dark cloud had come over me: I felt dizzy, my heart was racing, I felt trapped, claustrophobic, SEVERELY depersonalised which made SURE the end was near. I went to the bathroom washed my faced, but I couldn't shake the fear away.. I told them I was sick and had to rush myself to the hospital. I called my mum who then told me that I was having a panic attack (my mother and grandma have both suffered from panic disorders), I couldn't believe it, NO WAY can a panic attack make you feel like this! DEATH was near, but eventually I calmed myself down- I did feel like I was in another planet for about an hour driving home, but hey it passed! I spoke to my mum when I got home and felt more at ease that it was just a panic attack (ironic). I didn't experience another panic attack for 6 months.. THEN my mother had suffered what she calls a 'nervous breakdown'- for a month she suffered from almost constant anxiety and depression. I truly believed the mother I knew was gone, she could not speak because she was so anxious- her symptoms were almost always present, I watched her tremble, shake, be afraid and I was there with her EVERY single moment I could be. I still managed to work (with high anxiety of mine thinking about my mother constantly) but I knew I was anxious because the situation called for it (who wouldn't be anxious at a time like this, I thought). My mum eventually became better, she pushed herself out of the house to drive on her own again, to be happy, to beat the PANIC! I WAS OVERJOYED that I saw glimpses of my mum again. Things were becoming good, I broke free of my toxic relationship where my partner cheated on me during the time I spent looking after my mum- at the time I was stressed to the MAXIMUM but I moved on. I regard myself as being strong, I was the logical rational person that people would run to! But I broke down too, like my mother did.. It began with feeling butterflies in my tummy every morning, just a feeling of nervousness, sensitivity to voices and loud noises (my heart would flutter every time I heard a door bang) and then BAM I was watching tv and I had my second panic attack. I was never the same again after thst. I felt extreme depersonalisation/derealisation after that, I took time off work cos everything felt like a dream. I'd have days where my heart would race for no good reason for hours on end, I would hyperventilate and my arms were numb for a solid 2 days. I was in a living hell, I would fear walking or standing up cos that increased my heart rate and I felt dizzy. I spent Christmas Day chattering my teeth and unable to stop trembling. THE WHOLE DAY. MERRY CHRISTMAS, INDEED. I have been to the doctors and explained my situation to a psychologist and that's where I was diagnosed- I became a hypochondriac, fearing the worst: strokes, heart issues, cancers.. what else could make me feel this way?! Surely not some stupid anxiety!! On the advice of my psychologist, I am told to NOT run to the doctors upon feeling new symptoms. I HAVE NOT had an ekg or a holter moniter (two doctors have listened to my heart and said my beat is very regular even though I have tachycardia which is NORMAL, I've had a blood test to rule out thyroid issues and my tests came back perfect) so that is when I decided I would stop FEEDING THE ANXIETY. I ACCEPTED IT. I AM NOT SICK. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK FOR TWO YEARS AND SKATED ON THIN ICE.. OF COURSE I AM LIKE THIS. My body became programmed to feel anxiety, for my heart to race in the morning as soon as I get out of bed. I would say just by pushing myself continuously to go out and feel anxiety/panic in public places I have regained somewhat most of my control back. My anxiety would be triggered by nothing at times, sometimes walking around could do it (perhaps because of my negative experience where I was too afraid to stand in case I passed out or had a heart attack?). I believe I am about 70% better now, I DID NOT use any medication, and i was in a state of living hell- I could not move, I had 6 panic attacks in one day (my left arm went numb, my chest hurt, my vision blurred, I felt like I couldn't breathe- all those good, classic panic symptoms). I had days where my body would tingle and half my face went numb, but my gosh, I HAVE STOPPED FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.. I go to the gym again even if I feel like shit, I push my heart rate up intentionally, I let myself feel it. I run even if my vision is blurry, I go to the shops even though I was afraid to feel the symptoms in public and I STAY THERE until it passes. By no means am I 100% but I am better than the crumbling mess I was before- I wake up in the morning and my heart still pounds like a drum, but you know what? It goes. I don't take a seat, I just keep walking and standing. I still feel out of sorts (odd, strange) but I still call my friends and organise to go out even though I know I will feel strange and my heart will pound in that public place. My psychologist has said that my body had become so programmed to function off nervous energy that I just get anxiety symptoms out of nowhere. I don't feel so anxious about it anymore though.. every day is a battle! I have pushed myself to have FAITH, the opposite of anxiety, to believe that I will be okay.. To be strong again, even though I have cried endless tears over the past two months in fear that I would 'never be the same again'. I have been to hell and back and would like to think of myself as being somewhere in limbo now.. I have crappy moments where I'm dizzy and get all the symptoms but I'm fine for 60-70% of the day. It's not as bad as it was and I can only go up, I SURE AS HELL AM NOT GOING BACK. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELVES, NOT DOCTORS (only when you're actually sick!), YOU KNOW THIS IS A ANXIETY/PANIC/DEPRESSION.. THE MORE WE TREAT OURSELVES AS PEOPLE WITH AN INCURABLE HEALTH CONDITION THEN WE WILL NEVER COME OUT OF THIS. I have read about people getting 938933 ekg's and they all come back clear- STOP IT, I HAVE NOT HAD 1 DURING THIS WHOLE TIME.. And you know what? I can run 5k a day now! Stand up to this evil little creature living in your mind, because it's only renting there and it's lease will be up soon. Find help, health and happiness and I truly wish we all find our feet again. It will be hard but we do love ourselves too much to let it take us over.
**EDIT- I tell a lie, I took a couple of valium in the height of my disorder to help me sleep at night. And I only ever took 2 through this whole period. I truly needed it.
I'm a long time lurker of these forums and I'd like to thank everyone on how much your posts and discussions have helped me through tough times- just by helping me feel somewhat 'normal' when all these strange things are happening! I wanted to share my story and the things I've done that have helped me (I'm not a 100% YET, but my God I am pushing myself in that direction every waking moment). I'm 22 years old and 2 months ago I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. You could definitely say that I have always been an anxious person, my negative thinking and catastrophising began at six years old after my parents divorced. I recall getting nervous when my mother didn't come home on time or she wouldn't answer her phone- "oh no she must be dead, there must have been an accident" and I would have these horrible images flash through my mind of car wrecks and disasters. The racing heart, the shaking legs, the general feeling of 'doom & gloom' that would come over me was a frequent recurrence- I always just attributed it to 'feeling scared', not a disorder or anxiety. Anyway, I made it through my teenage years like this as well- still thinking about death, fearing meeting new people and fearing lots of things in general.. but hey, I could still be happy! BUT this is where I began to see myself physically & mentally falling apart:
For the past two years I have been under immense pressure and stress, I was in a toxic relationship that I just 'settled' in, I became mildly depressed but masked it quite well, meaning that I could still go out and put on a brave face and be strong for anyone else when they were falling apart. In fact, I masked most of my issues quite well and just pushed through the anxiety without ever recognising it as something unusual. Up until this point I had never had a panic attack (which is surprising). I work as a model and in June 2012 I had probably taken a few too many cold & flu tablets in a short amount of time on an empty tummy- I was sick, standing on my feet for 4 hours in heels and then SOMETHING had come over about 5 minutes after I had the thought of 'perhaps I took too many tablets, I should've waited four hours before my next dose'.. I remember it clearly, this dark cloud had come over me: I felt dizzy, my heart was racing, I felt trapped, claustrophobic, SEVERELY depersonalised which made SURE the end was near. I went to the bathroom washed my faced, but I couldn't shake the fear away.. I told them I was sick and had to rush myself to the hospital. I called my mum who then told me that I was having a panic attack (my mother and grandma have both suffered from panic disorders), I couldn't believe it, NO WAY can a panic attack make you feel like this! DEATH was near, but eventually I calmed myself down- I did feel like I was in another planet for about an hour driving home, but hey it passed! I spoke to my mum when I got home and felt more at ease that it was just a panic attack (ironic). I didn't experience another panic attack for 6 months.. THEN my mother had suffered what she calls a 'nervous breakdown'- for a month she suffered from almost constant anxiety and depression. I truly believed the mother I knew was gone, she could not speak because she was so anxious- her symptoms were almost always present, I watched her tremble, shake, be afraid and I was there with her EVERY single moment I could be. I still managed to work (with high anxiety of mine thinking about my mother constantly) but I knew I was anxious because the situation called for it (who wouldn't be anxious at a time like this, I thought). My mum eventually became better, she pushed herself out of the house to drive on her own again, to be happy, to beat the PANIC! I WAS OVERJOYED that I saw glimpses of my mum again. Things were becoming good, I broke free of my toxic relationship where my partner cheated on me during the time I spent looking after my mum- at the time I was stressed to the MAXIMUM but I moved on. I regard myself as being strong, I was the logical rational person that people would run to! But I broke down too, like my mother did.. It began with feeling butterflies in my tummy every morning, just a feeling of nervousness, sensitivity to voices and loud noises (my heart would flutter every time I heard a door bang) and then BAM I was watching tv and I had my second panic attack. I was never the same again after thst. I felt extreme depersonalisation/derealisation after that, I took time off work cos everything felt like a dream. I'd have days where my heart would race for no good reason for hours on end, I would hyperventilate and my arms were numb for a solid 2 days. I was in a living hell, I would fear walking or standing up cos that increased my heart rate and I felt dizzy. I spent Christmas Day chattering my teeth and unable to stop trembling. THE WHOLE DAY. MERRY CHRISTMAS, INDEED. I have been to the doctors and explained my situation to a psychologist and that's where I was diagnosed- I became a hypochondriac, fearing the worst: strokes, heart issues, cancers.. what else could make me feel this way?! Surely not some stupid anxiety!! On the advice of my psychologist, I am told to NOT run to the doctors upon feeling new symptoms. I HAVE NOT had an ekg or a holter moniter (two doctors have listened to my heart and said my beat is very regular even though I have tachycardia which is NORMAL, I've had a blood test to rule out thyroid issues and my tests came back perfect) so that is when I decided I would stop FEEDING THE ANXIETY. I ACCEPTED IT. I AM NOT SICK. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK FOR TWO YEARS AND SKATED ON THIN ICE.. OF COURSE I AM LIKE THIS. My body became programmed to feel anxiety, for my heart to race in the morning as soon as I get out of bed. I would say just by pushing myself continuously to go out and feel anxiety/panic in public places I have regained somewhat most of my control back. My anxiety would be triggered by nothing at times, sometimes walking around could do it (perhaps because of my negative experience where I was too afraid to stand in case I passed out or had a heart attack?). I believe I am about 70% better now, I DID NOT use any medication, and i was in a state of living hell- I could not move, I had 6 panic attacks in one day (my left arm went numb, my chest hurt, my vision blurred, I felt like I couldn't breathe- all those good, classic panic symptoms). I had days where my body would tingle and half my face went numb, but my gosh, I HAVE STOPPED FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.. I go to the gym again even if I feel like shit, I push my heart rate up intentionally, I let myself feel it. I run even if my vision is blurry, I go to the shops even though I was afraid to feel the symptoms in public and I STAY THERE until it passes. By no means am I 100% but I am better than the crumbling mess I was before- I wake up in the morning and my heart still pounds like a drum, but you know what? It goes. I don't take a seat, I just keep walking and standing. I still feel out of sorts (odd, strange) but I still call my friends and organise to go out even though I know I will feel strange and my heart will pound in that public place. My psychologist has said that my body had become so programmed to function off nervous energy that I just get anxiety symptoms out of nowhere. I don't feel so anxious about it anymore though.. every day is a battle! I have pushed myself to have FAITH, the opposite of anxiety, to believe that I will be okay.. To be strong again, even though I have cried endless tears over the past two months in fear that I would 'never be the same again'. I have been to hell and back and would like to think of myself as being somewhere in limbo now.. I have crappy moments where I'm dizzy and get all the symptoms but I'm fine for 60-70% of the day. It's not as bad as it was and I can only go up, I SURE AS HELL AM NOT GOING BACK. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELVES, NOT DOCTORS (only when you're actually sick!), YOU KNOW THIS IS A ANXIETY/PANIC/DEPRESSION.. THE MORE WE TREAT OURSELVES AS PEOPLE WITH AN INCURABLE HEALTH CONDITION THEN WE WILL NEVER COME OUT OF THIS. I have read about people getting 938933 ekg's and they all come back clear- STOP IT, I HAVE NOT HAD 1 DURING THIS WHOLE TIME.. And you know what? I can run 5k a day now! Stand up to this evil little creature living in your mind, because it's only renting there and it's lease will be up soon. Find help, health and happiness and I truly wish we all find our feet again. It will be hard but we do love ourselves too much to let it take us over.
**EDIT- I tell a lie, I took a couple of valium in the height of my disorder to help me sleep at night. And I only ever took 2 through this whole period. I truly needed it.