What do you do when it gets too much?

[Button1]

So if you've been following my epic threads recently you'll know I've been really struggling through a bad episode of HA following some on and off rectal bleeding (it lasted a week). The bleeding was attributed to an anal fissure found during a rectal examination which had been caused by the passing of some extremely spikey feeling stools (sorry if TMI). This problem has been rectified by regular doses of lactulose and I haven't seen any blood for over a week now.

However my anxiety has continued to deteriorate as my fear has always been centred around bowel cancer and I can't shake the fear of seeing blood when I go to the toilet. To add to this I have had blood tests which were clear apart from showing I have low iron which my doctor says is due to the fact that I had a baby recently and subsequently have had heavy periods and a bad diet (not eating very much at all). I'm on iron tablets which are turning my stools black adding further to my anxiety (even though my doctor told me to expect black stools). I have asked about tests for bowel cancer but my doctor is refusing to send me for any because I have no symptoms of cancer and they've found the reason for the bleeding. She says to send me for any tests would just make my HA worse.


I'm now on sertraline (have been on it since Sunday) and feel wretched, really really awful. I can't break out of this cycle of anxiety to the point where I'm really struggling to take care of my son, I hate waking up every day to know that every hour that passes will feel like an eternity, that I'll panic every time I have to go to the toilet, my stomach will constantly churn with the fear that I've got tumours growing inside me. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so tired and heavy from all the worry, I hate my life even though I have so much to live for and can't accept what the doctor is telling me.


I want to be happy, I'm so at the end of my tether. Does anyone have any tips on what I can do to get through this?


Thanks for your continued patience x

[katieloveshoes]

Hi Hun -

Ive seen alot of your posts and you have of course asked for reassurance a lot of times (like we all do as HA sufferers) and each time have been met with the same response - I promise you, you do not have cancer. I 100% can guarantee you of that.

The reason I am so sure is because you mentioned your doc sent you for another blood test and they came back clear - and your anal fissure was diagnosed as being just that. The black stools are because of the iron tablets as you have rightly pointed out.
If your doctor had ANY inclincling of anything wrong, they would have sent you right away, and as a HA sufferer, would have sent you 100% because they know how upsetting it can be.

But alas the doc has not sent you for a further test in fear of fueling this irrational fear of cancer, and obviously knows you better than all of us.

I know its hard to trust your doctor - but before the bowel issues, what was it? Was it some other form of cancer? Was it stroke/heart attack? Because I can assure you, although all of the symptoms are definately real - they are not cancer symptoms. They are symptoms of someone who isnt very well due to alot of reasons - stress/anxiety/just had a baby/anal fissure - just to name a few.

Youve certaintly been through the mill and back and I really feel for you, because whilst you know your being irrational deep down you cant stop - its a scary scary place.

My suggestion would be to stick on the sertraline for another week or so - if youve only been taking again since Sunday, im sure your more than aware that anti-D's take a while to settle down in the system - causing symptoms to be worse rather than better in the early stages.

However your not alone - and if in 1 weeks time you feel absolutely awful still and feel like you cannot take much more, go back to the doctors.
Not because you have cancer, but because you need some more proffesional help than you are getting.
Do you have a partner? Do they understand? Does his take care of your son?
You need some extra support through this difficult period, untill your feeling more on track.

Youve answered all your own questions above hun, regarding the black stools and even your anal fissure has cleared up - so I promise you, all your symptoms are anxiety - which you already know.

Please try and read my other post about 'A little help maybe?' about delayed worrying etc, it may help and be of interest.

Stay strong and believe me when your not alone - It might feel like it, but we all go through these bad patches.

xx

[Button1]

I've only had one blood test and that came back clear apart from the iron level. My doctor is not sending me for any further tests precisely because of my HA- she says she could send me but I'd be put through a great deal of physical and emotional stress for what is likely to be only temporary reassurance. She said if she had anyone else sitting in front of her with my symptoms she wouldn't refer them so she won't do that with me.

Before this episode, I had my worst ever HA period in 2011 which almost led to a complete breakdown. That too was bowel cancer related (a bout of IBS). Prior to that I became convinced I had cervical cancer in 2010 (when I actually had a bladder infection). Prior to that I've suspected breast cancer on and off since I was about 18 (13 years now). It's always always cancer, never anything else.


My husband is great- he doesn't understand it at all and goes through the mill with me each time in a completely bewildered way. He tries to understand but can't grasp why i get into the state i do and cant calm down even when a doctor tells me they're 99.99999% sure there's nothing wrong. He does help with our son but runs his own business so does crazy hours.


My doctor is seeing me every 2 weeks to make sure I'm ok but I've made another appointment for Tuesday as I've been doing so badly this week. I don't know what I expect her to do for me...I've had CBT already so not sure I'll be offered that again.


Thank you for replying and I'll have a look at your post x

[ecila92]

Katie's right, you've pretty much answered all your questions in that post and ruled out cancer.

You need to try and trust your doctor because if anything abnormal showed up in the blood test, they would know and refer you for more tests.

If you had cancer you would know and you would have a lot of symptoms, you'd be incredibly ill but I know how hard it is not to accept that.

Keep up with the medication it'll do you good soon and I can guarantee 1 day you'll look back on all these posts you've written and wonder why you spent so much time worrying about nothing.

Your okay girl, keep busy and distract yourself from these thoughts. Keep telling yourself they're only thoughts! x

[Janine]

Hi Button, I think you are feeling bad because you have started on the medication and that is making your anxiety worse, once it starts to work which we both know takes time you will start to feel better about things, I know you are going to still worry that you have bowel cancer but you must believe your doctor. Give your medication a chance to work, it is good that you are going back to the doctors in a couple of weeks or sooner as I think it is reassurance you need that you are fine.

Katie is right you are not ill with cancer but you are ill with this anxiety and depression and that is what you need help with. xxx

[Button1]

I must look so ungrateful for your help and advice, I'm sorry...but you are helping and I am so appreciative.

X

[Janine]

Button I really feel for you and want to help, you are not ungrateful, you are ill because you need to get this under control, you have not got anything dreadfully wrong, blood tests are fantastic because they show up anything wrong with you and there would be something showing if you had cancer. I lost my dad last year and he had cancer and it always showed in his blood tests.

xxx

[tigerlark]

Hi there, Button1! Keep in mind that this is allllll about your thoughts! You CAN change the way that you think. Try this exercise.. write down whatever thought is bothering you at the moment. EG "I think I might have cancer." and then write next to it the opposite, something like "I know I don't have cancer" or "My body is healthy." Relax, breathe, and repeat this positive thought out loud to yourself until it becomes second nature. I find that self-talk is the best way for me to stop believing the lies I've been telling myself.

Also, whenever you have a thought like "I can't.." or "I always.." or "I hate.." stop the thought right there and tell yourself that your body IS healthy, you've had tests, and that you CAN trust your competent doctors!

Finally, recognize that you are at the end of your tether, but you ARE on a tether, an unbreakable tether that will never let you fall! Your body IS healthy!!! :hugs:

Love,
Sarah

[katieloveshoes]

Hun you are not ungrateful - hey im good enough at dishing out advise but sometimes I cant take my own - I have my own battles but I try to listen to the more rational side of my brain rather than the irrational - its not as easy at it sounds or looks but its do-able.

I promise you will get there - the sheer fact you are on here talking to us shows your a strong and willing person xx