Horrible thought worrying me:(((

[Bonnibelle]

I had no idea where to post this, and I wasn't sure if to but I'd like some support as I'm really beating myself up.



I've always had a fear of knives, my brother used to self harm and hide knives under his bed, it used to frighten me alot. S I've never liked sharp knives, scissors and I've always panicked what if.....because of the way he is.


Since the anxiety hit after my brother attacked me in September I don't like washing sharp knives or using scissors. This feeling has become worse and Thursday when drying a sharp knife I suddenly felt very anxious and thought what if I hurt me or my children if I got really ill. I've since felt sick and worried sick why I had that thought:(((( worried I'm like my brother:(( or will I be like some women who have depression that end up so bad they hurt themselves or take lives. I'm dwelling on it and panicking myself.


It's not me at all why would I have that fear:(((( I spoke to hubby and my best friend and they both said what ifs are normal as its normal to worry depression and anxiety can become severe. Also local murder has upset me, body parts found very local to where I live has freaked me out. He cut her up and they still can't find her head:((( He's been arrested but still its frightening.


I have been suffering health anxiety, social and agoraphobia since my brother attacked me, but I've been on Dosulepin 3 weeks and its eloped me alot. I felt like me again almost and was getting out again but this has set me back, and I've felt sick, knot in my stomach and worrying I'm some kind of monster, scared I've not just got anxiety and that what if, what if, what if .....constant what if I did that. I've 3 children, they're my world, i adore them, that's why I'm beating myself up. Deep down I think is it the medication changing me? Or is it that I'm getting so ill that I will lose control? All what ifs and I'm dwelling on it so much. I feel so anxious and upset, I keep crying. Is horrible because I was so much better anxiety wise.


Do I sound mad?:( My anxiety is so much better, I managed aldi today all way with a trolley:) ok kids with me but they egged me on:)) I felt great all week until Thursday night, I've not slept and I feel sick with anxiety of how I felt and I keep dwelling on it. Can anyone relate and help me to stop worrying:( I hope I won't be flamed for posting this.

[jackie13]

Hi hun

Sorry that you are not feeling too good:(

These thoughts are normal intrusive thoughts that come with anxiety, I have had the same thoughts as I am sure a lot of members on here have. Remember they are only thoughts they can't hurt you. Have a look at CBT4 panic on here it has a whole section on these thoughts and how to deal with them it's really good.

I think you need to talk to someone about your recent ordeal with your brother. Let me know how you are.

Hugs

Jackie xx

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you Jackie.

It doesn't mean I'm that kind of person? I'm so anxious ever since, constantly cuddling my children with anxiety rushing through me. My husband said that proves I've not got urges (which I was worried that thought was).

I will look for the cbt page, I've had cbt in the past one to one for health anxiety.

I'm just frightening myself and feeling sick and anxious. I was totally fine until that split second thought on Thursday. Now I can't shake it off and I'm questioning myself and feel constant anxiety:((

Thank you for replying x

[Col]

pearl ive had this before a few times - quite bad almost scared to even admit this incase people think ive lost it and i really will hurt someone. these are intrusive thoughts and because weve got huge conscience and over think things, this and these hurrendous thoughts can manefest and then we become panic stricken with worry and in discust of thinking such hurrendous things. The news and media i have to avoid i hate anything bad or negative, when im feeling like this. It will pass X

[jackie13]

Hun it will go. It is a very common intrusive thought, but you can help it go quicker. When I get thoughts I don't block them out I just accept them for what they are and don't dwell on them as this gives the thoughts more fuel they just love it. These thoughts don't deserve the attention that you are giving them.

You sound like a great Mum hun, try and relax.

Hugs
Jackie x

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you both. You've helped alot.

I asked my hubby to remove the knife block from the house, not because I don't trust myself but it freaked me out just seeing it after that thought I've had. Wrong thing to do?:/

I adore my children, they're my world. They are 10, 8 and 7, I love them so much, they're why I carry on. I just feel sick to think I thought that and have felt panic stricken since about why I've thought that. Felt like such a bad person and yes it's very hard to talk to anyone. My stomachs been flipping with anxiety ever since. I really hope the anxiety about that thought goes soon, I'm beating myself up so much and I wish I could just stop worrying about the thought I had:( xx

---------- Post added at 22:33 ---------- Previous post was at 22:26 ----------

It's the guilt of even having that thought I can't shake off:((((

I've not got a nasty bone in my body, violence terrifies me. That's why I can't understand this:/ today my children were play fighting but my daughter took it a tad too far and hurt her brother, I didn't get angry/upset.... I just dealt with the situation like that as I always do, just calmly and told her to apologise. My hubby said I've not changed I'm still me, I'm calm, never shout or get angry so that proves that I get the intrusive fear with knives as they just scare me due to my brother, media etc..... But to me its still very scary that I thought what if and I've doubted myself ever since. It's the worst thing I've ever felt:(((( I've been so worried I've suddenly got severe depression or something and I've changed. I'm only on meds for severe anxiety and panic attacks which made me agoraphobic since my brother attacked me. It's unnerved me I've had that thought:((

[saintanselm]

Dear Pearl,

What a terrible ordeal you have been through and well done for being brave and posting it. I had a horrible ordeal happen to me in 2004, then again in 2006 ( a bad run of luck!!!!) I ended up feeling anxious all the time, also somewhat agrophobic. Not depression though. In the first instance it was a horrible car crash on the motorway. The consequence I became scared of driving on motorways. Kind of logical! That stated I was very lucky in going to see a fantastic therapist and I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This can happen to the best of us and anyone who has been through a traumatic event. I'm not saying you might have this. I'm not qualified and don't know enough about you or the condition but you may want to do some research on PTSD. It can happen to people who have been mugged, raped, been in a car crash... it doesn't just happen to soldiers. Anyone who has lived through a traumatic event can get it. The good news is that it is treatable. 100%

J

[Bonnibelle]

Thanks J.

Yes my gp says I've PTSD which had caused anxiety and agoraphobia. I was struggling to even leave my home and with 3 children to look after that's not easy.

My full story is on I think the general anxiety forum or panic attacks I think. I think what I've been through as a child, my brother attacking me in September and I lost my nan last July... It's been a very difficult time.

I've been referred to a therapist, I'm hoping to chat to her Monday. X

[saintanselm]

You should have a look at EMDR. There is CBT for PTSD but it didn't work for me. EMDR is meant to be the best option and I'm seeing an excellent guy. Check out:

http://www.braynework.com/

He's a lovely man to boot. You have my full sympathy as a fellow sufferer! Two bouts of PTSD and the last bout in 2006 nearly finished me off. But I think I'm back on track. I teach in Higher Education so having agrophobia was tough. I was scared about teaching a bunch of 19 year olds!

[Tish]

I don't know what it is about knives but they're a very common intrusive thought. I've had it so I know how truly horrible it is.
I've beaten it now by using exposure. It's not easy but it did work and now I can handle/look at knives without a single anxious thought.
By exposure, I mean just ignore the thoughts when they come, no matter how difficult this is. Don't hide the knives but carry on and treat it for what it is.. just a horrible silly thought.
Don't be frightened to discuss this with your therapist as I'm sure they've heard it a hundred times before. You're not going mad or bad, just suffering a common symprom of anxiety.

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you both. My husband has removed the knife block for now as the intrusive thought upset me that much, now I'm worried he shouldn't have removed it? Will I make it worse?

With me I knew I wouldn't do it, I didn't want to, I'm not an angry person but the thought scared me and thd guilt got to me so much that yesterday that I couldn't look at my children without crying:(( I really beat myself up for the thought and panicked I was ill or something. Wondered if I should stay away from my family:( All day I felt sick and anxious:(

I'm hoping it won't be long until I see a therapist and I will mention the thought buy what can I so until then?:/

Thanks so much for replying. My son is having EMDR as of next week as my brother scared him too:(

[Tessar]

Hi Pearl - I'm glad that the others have been able to help you here. Guilt is a very powerful emotion but you have no reason here to feel any guilt at all, you're feeling all these things as a result of the traumtic things your brother did to you. Anyone subjected to something like that is going to have some after effects.
Also - keep reminding yourself that these are just thoughts. If you were to turn this on it's head, you wouldnt feel guilty for thinking for instance "I adore my children, they're my world". Because this is something that makes you feel proud and fulfilled - because your children are so meaningful to you, its a nice warm and reassuring thought.
If you go to the other extreme and think about how you were subjected to the trauma by your brother, no wonder those thoughts fill you with fear. Perhaps because your immediate family - and most in particular your children - are so dear to you, it is understandable you fear harm coming to them. The idea of you harming them is almost unbearable. But the thoughts you have and their attachment to reality are very far removed. Very far indeed. I get the whole knife thought thing. Like I'm going to stick it in my partner but I always remind myself its just a passing thought and I'm not going to do it.
You say it yourself "I've not got a nasty bone in my body". Your husband is most definitely right in saying you have not changed and you are still you. Really you are. You've demonstrated that again and again - not least in your description below of how you handled the situation with your daughter going a tad too far. But that's just kids for you, they do these things and you handled that situation admirably.
Just in the same way, Pearl, that you are handling all these horrible thoughts in an admirable fashion. Its no doubt that the events of the last few months have taken their toll on you which is perfectly natural. But with these things happening, they are influencing your thoughts and the way you pay attention to your thoughts. Before your brother did what he did to you, if you'd have had one of these knife thoughts, you'd have brushed it off like a silly, unrealistic thing that just came & went in your mind faster almost than you thought it. Because of what's happened, the thoughts are now lingering and the longer they stay, the harder they are to get rid of.
So you've been diagnosed with PTSD - it's that which is altering your thoughts and how you read them. But it is treatable and you are still you, nothing is going to change that. Like you say, you dont have a nasty bone in your body. Nothing that's happened here is ever going to change that, Pearl, for sure. Once you are able to see your therapist things will get better. Meanwhile one thing that I think is going to help you meanwhile is to stay in contact on here. Because in many ways, just talking it about it eases the pressure, plus there are many people here able to offer reassurance to you and ideas or explanations for some of how you feel.
You are still you, a loving and caring mother who protects and nurtures her children and has a caring husband who is being supportive and wise too. You need to be there with your family. Remind yourself that you are still kind, loving and caring. When you get the less pleasant thoughts, notice that they are just that. Thoughts. Allow them to come, notice them but then allow them to flow away. Replace them with warm feelings and thoughts. The lovely feeling of warmth when you are cuddling your children. That is very special. You are special. You will get there Pearl but because of the severity of what's happened, you need time. Gradually you can heal from all of this & be more happy again.

[Arnie365]

Hi Pearl Ive not had this exact thought but have had a few intrusive thoughts when I look back and well before I was aware I had anxiety. If someone annoyed me sometimes I would get a thought like if push came to shove, I could kill you if I wanted. Almost like I could actually go that far and take a life. I never thought much about it as knew I wouldnt ever do it but did feel guilty for having the thoughts so I can only imagine what its like having thoughts about harming your family. Its so obvious you love them though you would never do it but i can see why its so disturbing for you.

As for moving the knifes, I would say that its only a short term fix and to get over your fear you need to expose yourself to being around knifes and just dismissing the thoughts as just that, thoughts and not facts. However, given you are going to therapy soon if it helps, then keep them out of the way until you can get proper instruction from your therapist about exposure but hiding away isnt a solution and will only make your fear worse.

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you both so so much. I actually feel much better and the thoughts haven't upset me today, I know I love my children and they are my world, I've never hurt them in my life and I never would.

I'm hoping once I see a therapist I can open up about this but I was scared to incase someone took my children from me.

I'm feeling much better today but worrying why I had to get rid of the knives. If I had them in my house now I'd just feel upset at the thoughts I had but then I punish myself thinking am I hiding them away incase I don't trust myself and deep down that's my biggest fear that maybe I don't trust myself?:/

[Arnie365]

its normal. its the guilt making you think like this. You do know deep down that you wouldn't harm them so take strength from that.

[Bonnibelle]

Thanks Arnie.

I actually was cleaning the cutlery drawer earlier and came across an old sharp knife, I held it, felt and thought nothing bad at all. My husband said to me it show its a fleeting thought that I've had and it means nothing, I wouldn't ever act upon it, but it's terrifying all the same. I am still anxious about the thought I had but seeing that knife has reassured me its a thought and means nothing.

[saintanselm]

Pearl. Here's a tip that might help. Well it helps me... I find that I'm much more prone to intrusive thoughts when I'm very tired. If I've slept well am well fed and looking after myself I'm mentally much more stronger to cope with intrusive thoughts.

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you:) I'm sleeping quite badly recently and I didn't eat for 2 days after that thought:(

[EmilyK83]

My brother had the same worries - he'd see a programme on tv about serial killers and would constantly worry about the fact that he might have that instinct hidden away.

He had CBT on the NHS which helped him a lot - it may be worth chatting to your GP to see if you can be referred? x

[Bonnibelle]

Thanks Emily, we had a local murder here so I think that has really upset me.

I have had CBT in the past so I am going to ask my GP today for some help as the traumas I have been through recently with family have made me feel so ill x