Citralopram - Anyone? Please.

[isthistheend]

Hi guys. I want to first of all truly thank you for even opening this post.

I'm 19 years old, been having anxiety issues since I was about 15/16 although when I think back it's always been rooted deep within since I was a child, always nervous.

After suffering bad panic attacks (which essentially put an end to my school/uni days) I started Sertraline at about 16. Eventually the panic attacks subsided at about 18 however, now at 19 I still suffer anxiety coursing through my veins, always present.

I have been taking 20mg of Citralopram for around a year now but finding that although my panic attacks had gone, I still was suffering from bad depression, not being able to get up in the morning, lethargic as a result and just so unmotivated and anxious. As I'm sure you guys here know what a knock on effect that has on the rest of your life, outlook and relationships etc.

Around last week I stopped taking my medication because I didn't feel it was helping. Soon after simply put I had thoughts about seriously ending it all, and that there was NOTHING I could do to better myself. No matter what pill I swallow, no matter how hard I try or push myself, or eat healthy, or work out or socialise. I began to accept I was a 'faulty' human being and the pain inside was so great I must admit for the first time I wanted to self-harm and so I did. Somehow and even now thinking of it, I felt better. I have not done since, and I'm not sure what the purpose of my post is, but does it get better?

I have so much emotion inside me, so many feelings and I truly believe I have something to give but I feel such an overlooked individual in addition to the fact I believe no one truly understands, counsellors and doctors alike. I want to be successful but I don't know how when I have this huge and unfair barrier in the way. Can a strong work ethic and perseverance beat it? Sometimes I try so hard that I feel i'm trying TOO hard and it ends up making me worse.

After my self-harm episode I went to the doctor and I have now been upped to 40mg, I've only been taking them for 3 days now but am feeling more anxious than ever. As a result, as well as having a racing mind that I can turn off I'm constantly thinking of what to do do alleviate this feeling, what am I do wrong that I feel this way, what should I think about to feel normal? How does a normal person think? I guess all these thoughts just put more strain on me but I don't know what else to do :(

I get 'compliments' from people on how I look, how I dress, my appearance, my 'intelligence' etc. but inside I just want to die and never wake up. If only people could see the outside it's so hard. I want to be better but I don't know what I can do.

Does anyone have any tips? Has anyone found anything to help? Whether it be a food, exercise, not over thinking, meditating etc?

I work in Sales (where if I don't sell or perform I make no money) and I have had success in spite of this however I am now aiming to take it to the next level and work for bigger companies but can I put my hand on my heart and say that my anxiety won't get in the way? I want to move forward so much but my will to do so is suffocated by angst.

Thank you all for reading and in advance for your replies.

Let's do this guys.

[Sparkle1984]

Welcome to the forums. :)

You should start feeling better once the 40mg kicks in properly. You will have side effects initially while your body gets used to the increased dose.

It's a very bad idea to stop taking your medication without your doctor's guidance, because if you wean off it too fast you could get severe withdrawal effects. I think it could have been the withdrawal effects which were responsible for your self-harm episode. But you have done the right thing by going back to your doctor for help.

I have some tips in the link in my forum signature below. :)

[starlight78]

Hello, welcome to NMP.
So sorry to hear what a tough time you're having. As the previous poster said it will feel a bit worse before it gets better. I found the first couple of weeks on citalopram difficult, 40mg really helped me longer term.

When I was struggling I found studying depression really helpful. I know it sounds odd, but I researched the illness so I could recognise the scary thoughts and feelings as symptoms of an illness which will get better. I was worried that it was me and would never go, seeing it as an illness really helped me accept the symptoms, relax and let them pass.

I also did as much walking as possible. Spent time with people who understood, tried to eat healthily, no alcohol or caffiene.

This will pass! These are symptoms that will go when you recover. X

[rcs]

I know it is easy to say but you are young and seem to be intelligent so keep percevering i have had anxiety and depression since i was a teenager and i am now 43 and still going strong. I take citalopram 20 mg and have been up to 30 mg when things get tough, i was in my late 30's when i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and had some self harm issues. When i was 18-19 i was quite wild and had some problems with alcohol and suffered in silence as people put it down to rebellion and immaturity but now i realise it was maybe more serious than that because of other events in my life at the time.
You have been diagnosed younger because things have moved on in mental health services and you are able to admit to certain issues in your life where i could not.
Stress at work has been an issue for me and you have to be aware of that and chasing promotion and pay increases were not for me in the end.
I don't know if this helps but anyway a bit of sharing doesn't go amiss.
Take Care...
BOB

[Emphyrio]

I'd give your meds another 4-6 weeks to kick in. If things get really bad your doc could possibly provide diazepam, but if you can stave off the anxiety using other techniques I'd go for that first. I find chamomile tea with some honey in it to be an excellent mild sedative. Did your doctor tell you to take 30mg first or put you straight up to 40mg? Also, if you ever want to come off it, never, ever just stop taking it cold turkey. I experienced several months of protracted withdrawal because I came off meds too fast. Withdrawal, especially if you decide to go med-free, should be as slow as possible - I'm talking months to a year here.

Taking the opinion that you're a 'faulty' human will just lead to a negative cycle and a self-fulfilling prophesy. Even when things are difficult, you should try doing even small things, like taking a walk, or meeting a friend for a chat, rather than spending your day in bed (I've done that before - it just makes me feel even worse). Also, what I found helped me was to recognise that a period of anxiety and depression was only temporary, and would eventually pass.

When you say nothing helps - have you really exhausted all your options?

[isthistheend]

Hey guys,

Thanks so much for all your replies, I'm touched so many of you took the time to write back with encouraging comments as well as sharing your own experiences, I really appreciate it.

Lying in bed right now just taken another 40 (been doing it before bed so I don't feel like crap during the day), and feeling pretty damn uncomfortably anxious. Hope these symptoms will die down soon.

For a long time I've suffered with 'mood swings' wherein I decide to be positive, feel I'm on a roll, and then when I have a bad day I get mad at myself, pessimistic and basically don't feel like talking TO ANYONE. Even when my parents ask me a question I feel I CANNOT answer and it angers me being near anyone/having to even open my mouth to response do them. Damn, then I feel guilty afterwards. Also when I do 'talk about my problems' I feel stupid afterwards.

Not sure what the point of this post is but thought i'd give a small update.

Hope you are all well and have a great day tomorrow.

P.S Watch 'Suits', it's freaking awesome.