devonbevon
25-01-13, 22:05
Hi all,
I am keen to write down my personal journey in the hope that by being open and honest and sharing with you what I have learnt that it might help put some of your minds to rest or at least start you on the path to recovery.
I'll start by saying this is the first and hopefully last time I experience health anxiety. It is a truly awful thing to experience - it can be completely crippling both emotionally and physically. It takes its toll not just on you but those around you. Its hard to explain to others as they just see it as 'silliness' and 'self-absorbed behaviour' - which to a degree it is, but it is by no means deliberately experienced.
I just turned 40 about a week ago. I am a mother of a two year old and a one year old. I work full time (up to 50 hours a week) plus take Mondays off so I can spend time with my children (this means I work extra hours on the other days).
I am typically an over anxious and worst case scenario kind of girl at the best of time but have always had it 'intellectually' under control. I have a wonderful, supportive husband but last year was a very tough year. Returning to a demanding job, adapting to motherhood, being in my first year of marriage. I was constantly stressed, tired, but kept going and going. There were weeks of high high anxiety with lots of tears and arguments but I would plod through. I rarely got sick even though my kids were at childcare etc. I was like a working mother on Energiser Batteries.
Then I took a couple of weeks break in November. And the cracks started. I foolishly started to reflect and analyse my year and more importantly how I felt physically. I suddenly realised how tired I was. How much I ached all over. And so began my health anxiety journey.
First I demanded blood tests to check my vitamin levels. From that I learnt my Vitamin D, B and C was very low. I pumped myself full of vitamins but at the same time I began to get a feeling that there was 'more' to the issue. With the added worry came more symptoms. Pain in my breasts and underarm. Oh no - breast cancer. A mammogram cleared that up. So what else - maybe its lymphoma or leukemia or bone cancer? So it continued and it became a snow ball effect. I began moving from one disease to the next and exhibited new symptoms once one disease had been ruled out. Finally mid December I settled on MS (or so I thought) - by then I had calf twitching, shoulder twitching, leg jerking, hand tremors, and finger jerking). I should point out I still have all these symptoms but I am in a far better place.
My MS fear was trumped when i started to internet surf. ALS aka Motor Neuron disease was yet another option!
The hard thing to explain to others is that the symptoms I experienced and am experiencing are REAL. My wrists ache for hours at a time. My leg lifts itself off the bed every 5 minutes. My husband can see the pulsating in my shoulder. I triple click everytime I use the mouse.
Anxiety is such a powerful and overwhelming feeling at times. I can only begin to imagine all the adrenaline etc pumping through my system and contributing to how my body is reacting. My intellectual side knows that stress can flow over in physical ways. The pyschologist ive started seeing has told me that she has seen hundreds go through the health anxiety journey I have. But there is always that inkling of doubt that goes with people like myself. Show me the proof, but even then, perhaps something was missed etc.
So in the past week I have had an MRI, a nerve conduction test and an EMG. It has been a tough week. As my husband and the rest of the world suspected, nothing is showing up neurologically. Still my symptoms exist (but thats not surprising given ive had two months operating on high alert).
I know my journey isnt fully over but I am determined to take control now. At the same time, I wonder if health anxiety is more frequently experienced by those that have a strong desire to always have control. Because getting sick or diagnosed with a terminal disease is the ultimate loss of control.
What I do know is that right now, at this point in time, I appear to have nothing neurologically wrong with me, I dont have breast cancer, I dont have bowel cancer etc. At this point in time. This may change in six months, in a year. I may always be healthy. But RIGHT now I am okay and need to learn to LIVE FOR TODAY and enjoy the SIMPLE things. Enjoying trips to the park, the breeze on my face, etc.
So what have I learnt from all this:
(a) That health anxiety can be all encompassing and put your life on hold and you can miss out on so much. I dont even remember Christmas this year because I was mapping out my imminent death in my head, worrying what would happen to the kids, ensuring I had life insurance etc. Crazy stuff.
(b) Don't spend your time chasing illness or disease - if it is serious you'll soon know. More often than not, there is a basic and common explanation for what you are experiencing.
(c) Don't spend your days on the internet - spend your days with your family enjoying every moment you have with them.
(d) If you do need reassurance, come to sites like this where you are amongst friends. Dont go to sites where people with diagnosed MS, ALS etc are. I can only imagine how they feel when health worriers join their site and start on their paranoid journey. These amazing yet unlucky people are experiencing what we fear most and we dont need to contribute to their problems.
(e) Most importantly anxiety exhibits itself in so many different ways. Believe that. Trust that.
So I wish you all well. Stay positive. Live for the day. Enjoy what you have. Recognise your limits and how to manage your life so you avoid reoccurrences of this dreadful 'illness'. This year for me will be about pulling back my work hours, taking time out each day to exercise and relax, and learning to live in the moment rather than mapping out the next 30 years.
So I leave here twitching, jerking, tremoring etc. Hopeful it will diminish over time, but confident Ill be okay. And knowing i have bigger pyschological issues I need to deal with that have brought me to this physical point.
Love to you all
DB xx
I am keen to write down my personal journey in the hope that by being open and honest and sharing with you what I have learnt that it might help put some of your minds to rest or at least start you on the path to recovery.
I'll start by saying this is the first and hopefully last time I experience health anxiety. It is a truly awful thing to experience - it can be completely crippling both emotionally and physically. It takes its toll not just on you but those around you. Its hard to explain to others as they just see it as 'silliness' and 'self-absorbed behaviour' - which to a degree it is, but it is by no means deliberately experienced.
I just turned 40 about a week ago. I am a mother of a two year old and a one year old. I work full time (up to 50 hours a week) plus take Mondays off so I can spend time with my children (this means I work extra hours on the other days).
I am typically an over anxious and worst case scenario kind of girl at the best of time but have always had it 'intellectually' under control. I have a wonderful, supportive husband but last year was a very tough year. Returning to a demanding job, adapting to motherhood, being in my first year of marriage. I was constantly stressed, tired, but kept going and going. There were weeks of high high anxiety with lots of tears and arguments but I would plod through. I rarely got sick even though my kids were at childcare etc. I was like a working mother on Energiser Batteries.
Then I took a couple of weeks break in November. And the cracks started. I foolishly started to reflect and analyse my year and more importantly how I felt physically. I suddenly realised how tired I was. How much I ached all over. And so began my health anxiety journey.
First I demanded blood tests to check my vitamin levels. From that I learnt my Vitamin D, B and C was very low. I pumped myself full of vitamins but at the same time I began to get a feeling that there was 'more' to the issue. With the added worry came more symptoms. Pain in my breasts and underarm. Oh no - breast cancer. A mammogram cleared that up. So what else - maybe its lymphoma or leukemia or bone cancer? So it continued and it became a snow ball effect. I began moving from one disease to the next and exhibited new symptoms once one disease had been ruled out. Finally mid December I settled on MS (or so I thought) - by then I had calf twitching, shoulder twitching, leg jerking, hand tremors, and finger jerking). I should point out I still have all these symptoms but I am in a far better place.
My MS fear was trumped when i started to internet surf. ALS aka Motor Neuron disease was yet another option!
The hard thing to explain to others is that the symptoms I experienced and am experiencing are REAL. My wrists ache for hours at a time. My leg lifts itself off the bed every 5 minutes. My husband can see the pulsating in my shoulder. I triple click everytime I use the mouse.
Anxiety is such a powerful and overwhelming feeling at times. I can only begin to imagine all the adrenaline etc pumping through my system and contributing to how my body is reacting. My intellectual side knows that stress can flow over in physical ways. The pyschologist ive started seeing has told me that she has seen hundreds go through the health anxiety journey I have. But there is always that inkling of doubt that goes with people like myself. Show me the proof, but even then, perhaps something was missed etc.
So in the past week I have had an MRI, a nerve conduction test and an EMG. It has been a tough week. As my husband and the rest of the world suspected, nothing is showing up neurologically. Still my symptoms exist (but thats not surprising given ive had two months operating on high alert).
I know my journey isnt fully over but I am determined to take control now. At the same time, I wonder if health anxiety is more frequently experienced by those that have a strong desire to always have control. Because getting sick or diagnosed with a terminal disease is the ultimate loss of control.
What I do know is that right now, at this point in time, I appear to have nothing neurologically wrong with me, I dont have breast cancer, I dont have bowel cancer etc. At this point in time. This may change in six months, in a year. I may always be healthy. But RIGHT now I am okay and need to learn to LIVE FOR TODAY and enjoy the SIMPLE things. Enjoying trips to the park, the breeze on my face, etc.
So what have I learnt from all this:
(a) That health anxiety can be all encompassing and put your life on hold and you can miss out on so much. I dont even remember Christmas this year because I was mapping out my imminent death in my head, worrying what would happen to the kids, ensuring I had life insurance etc. Crazy stuff.
(b) Don't spend your time chasing illness or disease - if it is serious you'll soon know. More often than not, there is a basic and common explanation for what you are experiencing.
(c) Don't spend your days on the internet - spend your days with your family enjoying every moment you have with them.
(d) If you do need reassurance, come to sites like this where you are amongst friends. Dont go to sites where people with diagnosed MS, ALS etc are. I can only imagine how they feel when health worriers join their site and start on their paranoid journey. These amazing yet unlucky people are experiencing what we fear most and we dont need to contribute to their problems.
(e) Most importantly anxiety exhibits itself in so many different ways. Believe that. Trust that.
So I wish you all well. Stay positive. Live for the day. Enjoy what you have. Recognise your limits and how to manage your life so you avoid reoccurrences of this dreadful 'illness'. This year for me will be about pulling back my work hours, taking time out each day to exercise and relax, and learning to live in the moment rather than mapping out the next 30 years.
So I leave here twitching, jerking, tremoring etc. Hopeful it will diminish over time, but confident Ill be okay. And knowing i have bigger pyschological issues I need to deal with that have brought me to this physical point.
Love to you all
DB xx