Signed off work - what can I do?

[unspoken]

Hi all. I had a break down 3 years ago but for the past 18 months I've been back in full time work. My job has been ok, I've had the odd blip of anxiety but my line manager is very supportive and has helped me through it. A few months ago though somebody left my team and I was asked to take over his work temporarily while they got someone else in which I was told would only be a couple of weeks. It stretched on to 2 months and my line manager got signed off with anxiety for a couple of weeks leaving just 2 of us & I couldn't cope & had my first major panic attack at work. They promised me lots of support after that and I did notice the people I worked directly with were more approachable but then around Christmas another colleague had time off for personal reasons and then she got a new job within the organisation and they let her go straight away, leaving just me and my line manager managing 4 peoples jobs. My line manager doesn't have the knowledge of the day to day aspects of the job so I've had to help him out as well as trying to keep on top of everything else. I had another panic attack a few weeks ago and again I made it clear that I couldn't cope with the pressure. They got a temp in but they turned out to be useless and kept not turning up.

I can just about cope with the technical side of the job, I know I am good at that, but I am really struggling with communicating with other people within the organisation. There have been times when people have had a go at me for things that I know aren't my fault but it still upsets me. Lately I've been so fragile that it doesn't take much for me to go into panic mode.

On Thursday morning my boss tried to make me promise that I wasn't going to get stressed. I said I couldn't make that promise. It was during a meeting when some other people in the company started commenting on my work load that I felt the panic come on and the shame and embarrassment and guilt just magnified the panic. My line manager kept trying to ask how they could make the job more manageable but I just didn't know.

Friday morning I went to the doctors and asked to be signed off work. It was a really difficult decision but I can't go on breaking down in tears and hyperventilating every time I speak to somebody at work. I was getting anxiety symptoms just thinking about the amount of things I'm responsible for at work.

So now I have a week off. My first priority is to catch up on sleep. I've also got some books to read, thrillers seem to take my mind off things quite well. But what else can I do to reduce my anxiety? I think work will get better soon, they're finally bringing more people into my team. I just need to get to a point where I don't cry when I talk to people.

Also what is it acceptable to do while signed off work with stress and anxiety? Obviously it's different to a physical illness or injury. My mum said if I go out much beyond my local area it'll look suspicious if anyone from work spots me. But I feel like I need a change of scene to clear my head, maybe go to the coast on the train and go for a walk by the sea. Is this acceptable to do?

[Tufty]

Yes, it is acceptable to do whatever you want to help make you feel better. If someone broke their arm and were off work they wouldn't be told they had to stay at home, if someone close to you died it wouldn't be frowned upon to take the train for a walk by the sea. You've got to think of yourself during this time off and do what you think will make you recover, a walk by the sea is a terrific idea.

As for work - leave them to it for a week, it's obviously a big factor in your anxiety and you need time off. Maybe they'll have time to think about the pressure you're under and be more understanding and realistic on your return.

Take Care
Sam

[Sunshine77]

Hi unspoken, I relate to you 100%. I'm 3 weeks into being off work and initialy resisted even a 1 week sick note but somewhere along the line I must have accepted that this is an illness from which I need time to recover, just as if I'd been in a car crash or had pneumonia. I've had serious paranoia when I've been out because I'm worried someone will see me (I've felt like I'm skiving) but actually I've found that the more time I spend at home, the worse I feel so it's important that I force myself to do something outside of the house every day. This is part of recovery for me, as is trying to eat well, doing something constructive (baking, gardening?), and posting on this site. Give yourself a break - this is your time.

Good luck and keep posting

[unspoken]

Thanks to both of you for your replies. Yes I feel like I'm skiving. I think fear of being accused of things is part of my anxiety. Today I felt able to get out of bed and I made it to a nature reserve where I managed to find some peace and quiet and watch some birds. There was also some sunshine which really helped my mood. I'm glad I'm not going to work tomorrow though, I am having trouble talking to people.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to ring the doctors and see if I can get an appointment for Friday. Dealing with doctors' receptionists is one of the situations that makes me anxious. I'm hoping that by Friday I'll be relaxed enough to deal with people again.

I ordered a book on how to be assertive. It had good Amazon reviews. I think it could help me to deal with the people at work. Lately I've been asked a lot of questions that I don't have an answer for and even when I come up with an answer, people keep coming back and asking again.

It's hard not to feel like a failure though when I am unable to cope with the world. I'm trying to treat myself with kindness despite the feelings of failure and inadequacy.

[Col]

Hi unspoken your certainly not 'skiving' !!!!! Enjoy your rest however you spend it! Remember anxiety is an illness of the mind and isn't physical despite causing horrendous physical symptoms at its peak, but just because you can't feel it directly and others can't see it, it doesn't mean it's not there and doesn't mean it cant have debilitating effects on the body & mind. I was told to scrub floors due to work overload and the doc said I needed - no stimulus! Unfortunatly for me I couldn't go for a walk by the sea because my anxiety and horrendous panic attacks lead to agoraphobia but do what ever you can to make you feel better.

[maximus1975]

forget the word skyving , u are not well i keep trying to get back to work but my dr says im not ready i feel guilty as hell not working but if i cant enjoy my hobbies then how the hell am i gunna work.
we just have to take it day by day, trust me no one thinks there a bigger failure than me , no job , big debt, to anxious to go for a work

[unspoken]

Thanks both of you for your replies.

At work it got to a point where I was breaking down in tears and hyperventilating with no warning. My colleagues were getting quite worried about me. I have been without a job long term due to depression and anxiety and I don't want that again, I am hoping that this week off will just allow me the time to sleep and put things back in perspective. I am struggling with sleeping, I keep waking up in the night, but I'm not dreaming about work so much now.

Today I didn't feel great, mostly tired & unmotivated. I did manage to get a doctors appointment for Friday and I went out for a short walk. I think tomorrow I will go and see my family who live quite nearby as it will be a break from being in this house. I'm not sure the weather looks great for a seaside trip but I'll try to head out of London into the countryside if I can.

Thanks for all your support. It helps me to convince myself that I'm not pathetic and weak for needing this time away. There's still a fear in the back of my mind that I wont make it back to work but I do have a really understanding boss who will do anything he can to make life easier for me so I am fairly confident that I'll get back into the job.

[maximus1975]

you have to make sure when u go back you are totally ready, ive been of work and gone back and lasted about 20 mins and had to get home i even had an ambulance at work twice i was hyperventilating that badly,like u my boss was very understanding , although he didnt understand what anxiety was the dr's notes sort of confirmed i had a condition if that makes sense.
i cant really remember how i new it was the right time to go back i just did.
it seems like your panic/anxiety is strictly work based as you are able to travel to family etc so thats a good thing a weel of doing relaxing stuff should help no end , like i said though just be sure your ready

[unspoken]

Hi maximus. I have been unable to work due to depression and anxiety before but I feel I pretty much got on top of it. It's just that lately things have changed at work. I think I will work on being more assertive when I go back and learning to say no to people. I get so many emails coming through and phone calls and people coming up to me and demanding things that I get over whelmed. I will try things like closing my emails while I'm busy and diverting my phone if I can find someone to divert it to. I really struggle with meetings. I've never liked them but lately I've really struggled but not having meetings means I'm not informed about things I should have known which adds more stress. I spend far too much of my tone making up for other people's mistakes. Part of the problem is the poor organisation and communication in the company which seems to be getting worse, if anything.

I'm trying not to think about work anyway. Clearing my head so I can go back to work with a clear mind and see things as they really are. I still have a niggling feeling that things will fall apart without me but even I think I should let it. I've been doing my own job plus the job of somebody who was paid more than me for the past 3 months, plus 2 other people's jobs at times, all for only my pay, so maybe I deserve this time to recover.

[maximus1975]

well maybe its time to look for another job , i no now is not the right time as starting a new job would cause you great anxiety im sure , but in time when your confidence has returned have a look around,
also there is an option where you could say to your employers i cant afford to stay in this job im gunna have to move on, they may well offer u a pay rise to keep you this has happened to me before, obviously that would have to be further down the line but who no's in a year a so time you may have that position of power so to speak

[Sunshine77]

Hey unspoken, no don't think about work just now - take it a day at a time. You said in one of your earlier posts that you're having trouble talking to people - are you managing to talk through how you feel with anyone close to you? I know it's helped me a lot to chat to friends and make sure I see someone every day.

Learning to say no is a toughie and something I need to do too when I go back to work, but we'll be back at square one if we don't figure out how to do it!

Take care hun

[unspoken]

Hi Sunshine, thanks for your post. I am spending a fair bit of time alone. I did speak to my housemate last night, I've got 4 housemates - only one of them knows whats going on but she is pretty understanding. Other than that I have friends I talk to online or by text. As I'm mainly trying to forget about work I prefer to discuss non stressful things with people like exchanging links to photos and videos of cute baby animals and things.

Today I am planning to go see my parents and sister. My parents aren't the most understanding of the nature of anxiety but they do get that I've been working too hard lately and need a break. The people around me have seen me increasingly in a bad mood when I come home and stressing about going to work.

Maximus, you are probably right I should look for another job. However I don't really think now is the time. It's hard to start a new job with anxiety. I'm protected to an extent by having been in the job over a year and having a good reputation for being reliable and good at what I do. I also have an understanding line manager which makes a big difference. But I am keeping an open mind about my options. I have the money saved up to take some time out or do some travelling if I want to but I find that work when it's not too much can keep my mind busy and I struggle with anxious thoughts if I'm not kept busy.

[Sunshine77]

Hi unspoken, hope you had a good day with your family?

I agree, the idea of a change of job has crossed my mind but recognise that this is NOT the right frame of mind to be looking for another job!

Glad you've got a housemate you can talk to, it does make a difference.

[unspoken]

Hi Sunshine, I did actually have a good day. My mum and I made banana flapjacks. They are very yummy and I got a sense of achievement from it and my mum enjoyed doing an activity with me. I am fairly distant from my parents, when I was growing up they weren't around a lot and I was mostly looked after by other people (not neglected) and as I got older I got used to being independent. Then in my mid teens circumstances changed and my parents had more time and wanted me to spend time with them suddenly. I feel suffocated and anxious if I spend too much time with my parents but it was nice to spend some time. I live about 2-3 miles from them, close enough to visit regularly but far enough that I have my own space to escape to.

I remembered that I have found in the past that doing something that makes 'normal' people feel anxious can help me to 'reset' my levels of anxiety. So today I borrowed my dad's car and for the first time ever (I passed my test 2 years ago) I went for a drive with nobody else in the car. It went quite well - nobody beeped me for being hesitant and I managed to park and reverse out and turn successfully, plus navigated some busy roundabouts. I'd got so used to having somebody to help me out with directions and which lane to be in that I thought I couldn't do it. I drove to a small park with ornamental gardens, a fish pond, a small wood and some resident cats. It was drizzling but it was nice to be outside and I met one of the cats.

When I got to my parents' house earlier, the first thing my mum asked me is "How's your boss getting on?" I said I didn't know because he hasn't been in touch, as he shouldn't be, then she kept trying to talk about work and give me advice. My mum is relentless with the well-meaning but mostly useless advice about anything and everything.

This week seems to be dragging. I am forcing myself not to nap during the day. I've also banned myself from opening my work email account because it would be an instant panic attack. I just want to fast forward this week and be healed and strong and back at work keeping busy. My book on assertiveness arrived so I've been reading that.

[unspoken]

So I went to the doctor this morning. Apparently I was signed off until today which means technically I should be at work today. But he gave me another certificate lasting until Monday. But it occurred to me I might find it easier to go back on Monday if I've been back and settled in and dealt with the thousands of emails I'll have. I texted my boss to see what he thought and he said I could try to come in for a couple of hours this afternoon so I'm just heading home then going into work. I'm feeling jittery and I felt quite anxious earlier but feeling a bit stronger now. Kind of nervous of what to say to people, I guess that I've been ill. But I'm hoping going in today when it's the least pressured time of the week will make Monday easier and I won't feel so anxious on Sunday night. I find Sunday evenings difficult enough normally. Wish me luck...