Not coping with work and family

[kawaiiprincess]

I've recently been diagnosed with social anxiety and I also suffer from panic attacks. My doctor prescribed me Citalopram 20mg and I'm on the waiting list for therapy. At the beginning of this month I started a new job in the hope of a fresh start. One week into the job I had to take time off because my anxiety and panic attacks were out of control. This is when I went to my doctor and had an assessment with my local mental health centre for diagnosis.

My anxiety has been with me for a number of years and I find it hard to socialise with people and only leave the house when I really need to go somewhere. I prefer to stay at home because its the only place where I feel safe. When I returned to work I told my boss what was going on and she was quite supportive. It is affecting my job in a big way because I'm making mistakes and can't concentrate for long periods of time. There are 8 people that sit in the office and I don't feel comfortable working amongst them. I get shaky and feel dizzy everyday I'm there. My boss says I don't ask enough questions but that's because I fear people will think I'm stupid. She also said the speed I'm working at is concerning her and I need to work faster whether I like the job or not (she said this in front of my colleagues and I just wanted to cry). I can't help it and I feel utterly hopeless.

Last Friday I had a letter inviting me to a probationary meeting for tomorrow and I'm scared because i haven't even been there a month. I'm not sure what the outcome will be. HR have requested the meeting and said they have a duty of care to support me in my role. I'm going to need time off for my therapy appointments and I have a feeling my manager won't let me have it. I don't know whether I should look for another job because I don't think my current one is working out and because I'm new they can let me go anytime.

My mum is also furious with me and says I have messed up my life. It's not my fault I have this condition and I feel like a total failure. Now I'm having suicidal thoughts because I just can't take it anymore. I would never carry them out but sometimes it feels like the only way to escape my worries.

Sorry for the long post but I needed to get that off my chest :(

[Sparkle1984]

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time recently.

I can relate to the feeling of being afraid to ask question in case other people think I'm stupid. I have got better over the years though, as it's much better to ask a question and get the task right first time, rather than risk doing it incorrectly and having to spend time redoing it. No one has ever criticised me for asking too many questions, in fact in one of my reviews, one of my managers said it was a good thing as it shows willingness to learn.

Have you started on your citalopram yet and if so, how long have you been on it for? I've found it really helpful over the past 6 months, in fact I'm now at the point of weaning off it as I feel a lot better now. You may find it takes a few weeks to kick in fully. Even if things feel really bad now, they will improve. If not, you can go back to your doctor and they may increase your dose or switch you to a different medication.

You are not a failure. It sounds like your mum doesn't fully understand this condition. I'd suggest printing out the page on this website about anxiety (links on the left hand side) and showing it to her. Hopefully she will then understand it better, but I believe people can never understand it totally unless they've been through it themselves.

I hope this helps. Let us know how you get on. :)

[Col]

Hi Kawaii, you should be proud of your self at least for getting up, out of the house, applying for , going through the interview and securing a job! You have an illness and yet, you still have achieved and have given this a go and are still saying you are thinking about applying for another job, SO you are certainly not a failure, more a fighter!!!!

As for your mum, I have trouble with and have had trouble with my mum about my anxiety! Look on my stats for more info if you wish, but to cut a long story short, I've got a very weird relationship with my mum , she's been a bloody nightmare! To say she herself has sufferd with depression, she kicked off the other year because I didn't go to the summer BBQ because of my anxiety because it made me agoraphobic and my mum lives at the other end of the city to me. My experience with panic attacks started 2 years ago precisely and I was having acute panic attacks, I was training to be a science teacher at the time and they were horrendous , I can't emphasis that enough! Put it this way I gave up my career, I left!!!!!
Mine started because of years of family crap and marrying in my parents eyes ' the wrong guy'. This story goes on but, I won't bore u. But if that was my mum and the way I am now personally , I wouldn't speak to her ! I'm not sure if you live with your mum or not BUT if you don't live with her , I would seriously fall out with her and await a sincere apology!

Takecare

[kawaiiprincess]

Thank you so much for the replies. My mum hasn't helped that much to be honest. I'm currently staying with my Nan at the moment because my Mum's house is too small. When I'm there I have to share a room with my younger sister and its so cramped only a bunk bed can fit in there. I found out it was making my condition worse so I decided to stay with my Nan as I can have my own bedroom and her house is bigger. My sister has ME chronic fatigue syndrome and she is housebound so I think my Mum is just stressed and has other problems to deal with. Maybe I'm making it 10x worse. She says if I lose my job then I will have to go back home because I will be a burden on my Nan and wouldn't be able to pay the rent. I want to like my job but its very difficult at the moment and with my boss thinking I don't want to be there, things are not looking good. I need the money so maybe I should try and look for something else.

I'm on my third week of taking Citalopram and haven't noticed any difference. In fact it's making me feel worse because my legs have been feeling weak and I'm not sleeping properly. I have to go and see my doctor in 2 weeks to let him know how I'm getting on. Once again thanks for your kind messages.

[Col]

Ahh maybe that's right for now you staying with your nan. Keep strong X