had enough

[maximus1975]

my mind is really messing with me at the moment whilst i was out on my walk although short at the moment as im very anxious, i bumped into two of my best friends they were out mountain biking , they stoped to talk to me and said they were out clearing there hangovers that triggered a negative thought straight away , how can they have possibly been out clubbing and then mountain biking the next day ? theres no way i could do that , that triggered depression straight away , then they were telling me how there self employed jobs were going really well and they were so busy they could only take saturdays of cue more depressive thoughts ,im on the sick.
then they said they had a spare bike and that i should come nxt sunday i said yeh i'll be well up for that which is a load of rubbish as i no i wont go they are a lot fitter than me , i dont have half the energy i use to before i got pancretitis .
the final kick in the nuts was when they said cant wait for our friends wedding in march i dont no if im even gunna be able to go to this as everyone's gunna be drinking all day and as ive already stated if my mum finds out ive been drinking im on the streets.
so all in all it couldnt have been a worse walk if ive tried its left me with bad anxiety/depression and feeling suicidal great

[Daisy Sue]

to be honest, i couldn't keep up a pace like that, and i don't have depression!

rather than worry about what others can do, and are doing, maybe look at the positives that you have, yourself... you got yourself out for a walk, you've got mates who want you to spend time with them, and you're possibly going to attend a wedding in a few weeks time...

could you perhaps talk to those mates and explain your fitness level is far behind theirs right now, and take a gentler bike ride? or even suggest they come for a walk with you?

also.. i don't drink, and if i'm well enough to go out like to a party or something, i enjoy myself just as much without alcohol...

[maximus1975]

thankyou for your reply depression/anxiety makes me withdraw from my friends , i end up spending alot of time on my own, until i fully regain my confidence i reckon its gunna stay like this for a while , ive had several nasty panic attacks whilst out walking which is why i like to do it alone , at xmas i went on a long walk with the family i had to have a few beers to unable me to do this.
i have a bad relaitionship with booze i use to enjoy a beer and that was it , but now ive been using it as a crutch for far to long to control my nerves so if im playin golf in a competition i'll have a few beers before i do so this is really dangerous i shouldnt be drinking on benzo's for a start.
i need to brake this cycle real soon im stopping drinking i then need to rebuild my confidence that i can socialise booxe free its not gunna be easy but something i must do

[unspoken]

Hi. Are you getting any support with giving up alcohol? There are various services that can help.

I totally know the feeling of not being able to live life as much as my friends and other people my age. My friends are out drinking and running half marathons while I need to be in bed by 10pm and can't drink. Invite your friends to do an activity that you can cope with, like playing video games round your house or something. I also find depression and anxiety makes me withdraw from my friends but then when I do see them I find it usually makes me feel better and distracts me from my own thoughts.

[jackie13]

Hi hun

My name is Jackie and I am an alcoholic! It hurts to say that and it's taken me along time to realise, many painful experiences that have ended in anxiety, panic & depression. In my opinion there are 2 types of drinkers the ones that enjoy it don't need it for social acceptance etc that is me and others that need it for social acceptance, low self esteem etc. however, i think it all comes from things we have experienced!

I have a great home life, want for nothing but 5 years of drinking a bottle of red wine a night. Yes it caught up with me early last year after many breakdowns and i realised alcohol is not my friend, but we come to an agreement and live in harmony now. I did not want to give up the social aspect so I do not drink during the week and just have a couple at the weekend.

How did I cope? It was difficult but I gave in to it a bit like anxiety, I do not fight it and come to terms with it. Not fighting got me better, some days are still difficult.

You mention golf, I teach golf and one of the greatest men I know Billy Steel, (Donald Steel his brother designed turn berry) is an alcoholic and suffered anxiety, but no more as he accepts it.

Please PM me if I can be of any help with experiences etc.

Jackie xx

[maximus1975]

hey great reply thanks , i dont need drink to walk into my local with my friends there and drink to feel like i need that to be funny or confident etc ,
it seems to me i have my safe zones where i can get home quickly if i do have a panic thats the problem i have with golf its all in the mind the course is 2 miles from my house i dont drive so if i have an anxiety attack what the hell do i do ? it's like im looking into a crystal ball everyday at the moment and predicting anxiety attacks before they have even happened.
yeh i dont want to drink anymore but im not saying im never gunna ever drink again as that is putting myself under to much pressure im just saying im giving myself a break from it to try and get this anxiety under control.
a few weeks back i managed an evenings fishing with the lads without any beer this was after not drinking for a few weeks.
perhaps i need to play a few rounds of golf on me own to get my confidence back up before i enter a competition ?
you dont appear to be a full blown alcoholic any more if u can keep your drinking down to weekends, have u ever suffered with panic attacks yourself ?
the reason i ask is ive had really bad anxiety on the gold course before and managed to get through it, but if i have a panic attack i have to leave straight away

[jackie13]

Hi hun

You have done really well with your no drinking at the moment:)

Why not go out and have a few holes, if you panic try and concentrate on your shots and your surroundings, it will pass. I suffer more with anxiety than panic, I know that if I let my anxiety run wild though it would result in panic. I had an issue a couple of years back playing in a comp, that's not what brought it on though, I dunno what did. I play off 12 and the first hole I got a 9 on a par 4! I so wanted to play though and by the 3rd it had passed. You will never know until you try.

Jackie x

[maximus1975]

snap i play of 12 aswell have been down to 8 when i had a lot more time on my hands and my brain was working properly, i feel i need to build up to it small steps at a time , get back to doing my walks panic free then start to think about golf then, i feel at the moment it may do me more harm than good to go down there i no id be a wreck.
i have a real phobia about having attacks in front of people i always have had . the longer i stay of the booze the better my brain chemistry will get , ive just walked past my local shop and ignored the booze it shuts at 5 30 so i wont be drinking today.
jelousy plays a big part in my anxiety i see my family and friends out enjoying themselfs doing whatever they want when they want im like a hermit crab in his shell stuck in doors and i no thats not good for mental health

[maximus1975]

quite enjoyed my tv last night was calm visited my nans for a couple of cups of decaffe early evening she is someone who i can talk to about my anxiety and that helps, i would be able to talk to my mum about it if her idiot of a boyfriend was a little bit more understanding , they both get home from work at the same time theres no way i would be able to go into the living room in the evening with him there he's one of these pull yourself together types totally doesnt understand anxiety/panic/depression .
we havnt got on well at all since i lost my lisence i really try to make the effort but he doesnt wanna no it's the same with my brother they dont get on well either. but that doesnt bother my brother one bit where as i would like us all to get on well.
an example was new years day i walked dow stairs and said happy new year and he just said thanks and walked away that really hurt, i no my brother wont even have bothered to say it.
its all so childish if he's in the kitchen and see's me coming down the drive he bolts into the living room so he doesnt have to engage me in conversation.
this morning i have woke up feeling really anxious again just taken my meds so hopefully will calm down in a bit , i had some bad nightmares last night i was in hosptitol coz i had a problem with my stomach and in the ward there were people dieing all around me perhaps this is why ive woke up feeling so rough ?
i actually feel sick in the stomach im that nervous , i dont think it helps when i realise how long the days are dragging out , i'd love to get back to work but im just not ready