fear
27-01-13, 20:42
i'm 21, and in the past year, a lot of close people have died, people my age, people older, people related and even my pet dog which i had since the age of 6 was killed on the road.
this seems to of amplified my already existing fear of the end of my time.
I have fears, not of dying, or pain, but of not existing in my current form. I fear of sleeping because i link it together, sleep is a form of long term rest where your body shuts down to the extent your organs are just keeping you alive, just as death does, but for ever.
I cannot seem to accept that one day this has to end, for me and the ones i love.
My dog was hit and shattered into pieces, I scooped her up and buried her, though I still try to convince myself i may of buried her alive. Obviously I didn't, she was spread over 10ft of tarmac. but my relationship with her was so strong that i find it impossible to accept that, that relationship no longer exists.
My Grandma is Ill, my Father is Ill and my mum gets Sick far too often, I fear for them, and also selfishly for myself, for loosing the bonds we have.
I live with my girlfriend, and its effecting our relationship, I don't cry, so I express in my mood. Sometimes she'll tell me she loves me and I'll just mutter back, and think, whats the point. I've always wanted kids, and my girl is the only one i'd love to have them with, but at the same time I think, whats the point! In the first two years of my job, I did really well, I snapped promotions up quick and got to a decent level, I have found lately there's no incentive to progress any further, cos whats the point..? I'm fed up of throwing all my money away on rent, but don't want to spend years saving for a deposit when death is just around the corner. Im creative, a musician. I was in a touring band which i recently left, cos whats the point.
i've talked to my girlfriend, who didn't really know what to say, regardless of her obviously concern, I spoke to my mum who worried, so i won't progress on that one.
It used to just be when i was trying to sleep, when its dark, silent and after watching certain television. But now it can be any time of the day in any situation.
I bought my first car the other day. with all my own money. i felt proud and as though i'd ticked off a massive milestone step in life, which, as instantly as when paying for the car, i linked with the forever closing gap between now and a foreverness of nothing.
I've sat down with myself and tried to tell myself I have to come to terms with it and that I will still be here, just almost sleeping. but then i fear of disasters such as the world ending completely wiping my existence all together! or even just simple science like decomposition!
I have tattoo's, and was getting one just this weekend and thought to myself how happy I was with it and it'd be there forever, but within 100 years my skin will be part of the soil!
I was watching david attinboroughs 'africa' with the turtles hatching and heading for sea, the narrative said 'those who make it can life for up to 80 years' and i instantly thought of how i'd be lucky to see 80 years, following by what happens then...
there is no doubt about what happens, i am fully none religious, and thats what scares me.
Simply I don't want to die, I'm not willing to work hard all my life maintaining relationships just to die, whats the point...?
The structure of this post is becoming a rant now, so yeah...
Hi! :)
this seems to of amplified my already existing fear of the end of my time.
I have fears, not of dying, or pain, but of not existing in my current form. I fear of sleeping because i link it together, sleep is a form of long term rest where your body shuts down to the extent your organs are just keeping you alive, just as death does, but for ever.
I cannot seem to accept that one day this has to end, for me and the ones i love.
My dog was hit and shattered into pieces, I scooped her up and buried her, though I still try to convince myself i may of buried her alive. Obviously I didn't, she was spread over 10ft of tarmac. but my relationship with her was so strong that i find it impossible to accept that, that relationship no longer exists.
My Grandma is Ill, my Father is Ill and my mum gets Sick far too often, I fear for them, and also selfishly for myself, for loosing the bonds we have.
I live with my girlfriend, and its effecting our relationship, I don't cry, so I express in my mood. Sometimes she'll tell me she loves me and I'll just mutter back, and think, whats the point. I've always wanted kids, and my girl is the only one i'd love to have them with, but at the same time I think, whats the point! In the first two years of my job, I did really well, I snapped promotions up quick and got to a decent level, I have found lately there's no incentive to progress any further, cos whats the point..? I'm fed up of throwing all my money away on rent, but don't want to spend years saving for a deposit when death is just around the corner. Im creative, a musician. I was in a touring band which i recently left, cos whats the point.
i've talked to my girlfriend, who didn't really know what to say, regardless of her obviously concern, I spoke to my mum who worried, so i won't progress on that one.
It used to just be when i was trying to sleep, when its dark, silent and after watching certain television. But now it can be any time of the day in any situation.
I bought my first car the other day. with all my own money. i felt proud and as though i'd ticked off a massive milestone step in life, which, as instantly as when paying for the car, i linked with the forever closing gap between now and a foreverness of nothing.
I've sat down with myself and tried to tell myself I have to come to terms with it and that I will still be here, just almost sleeping. but then i fear of disasters such as the world ending completely wiping my existence all together! or even just simple science like decomposition!
I have tattoo's, and was getting one just this weekend and thought to myself how happy I was with it and it'd be there forever, but within 100 years my skin will be part of the soil!
I was watching david attinboroughs 'africa' with the turtles hatching and heading for sea, the narrative said 'those who make it can life for up to 80 years' and i instantly thought of how i'd be lucky to see 80 years, following by what happens then...
there is no doubt about what happens, i am fully none religious, and thats what scares me.
Simply I don't want to die, I'm not willing to work hard all my life maintaining relationships just to die, whats the point...?
The structure of this post is becoming a rant now, so yeah...
Hi! :)