fear of not existing/the thought of dead and even sleeping!

[fear]

i'm 21, and in the past year, a lot of close people have died, people my age, people older, people related and even my pet dog which i had since the age of 6 was killed on the road.

this seems to of amplified my already existing fear of the end of my time.

I have fears, not of dying, or pain, but of not existing in my current form. I fear of sleeping because i link it together, sleep is a form of long term rest where your body shuts down to the extent your organs are just keeping you alive, just as death does, but for ever.

I cannot seem to accept that one day this has to end, for me and the ones i love.

My dog was hit and shattered into pieces, I scooped her up and buried her, though I still try to convince myself i may of buried her alive. Obviously I didn't, she was spread over 10ft of tarmac. but my relationship with her was so strong that i find it impossible to accept that, that relationship no longer exists.

My Grandma is Ill, my Father is Ill and my mum gets Sick far too often, I fear for them, and also selfishly for myself, for loosing the bonds we have.

I live with my girlfriend, and its effecting our relationship, I don't cry, so I express in my mood. Sometimes she'll tell me she loves me and I'll just mutter back, and think, whats the point. I've always wanted kids, and my girl is the only one i'd love to have them with, but at the same time I think, whats the point! In the first two years of my job, I did really well, I snapped promotions up quick and got to a decent level, I have found lately there's no incentive to progress any further, cos whats the point..? I'm fed up of throwing all my money away on rent, but don't want to spend years saving for a deposit when death is just around the corner. Im creative, a musician. I was in a touring band which i recently left, cos whats the point.

i've talked to my girlfriend, who didn't really know what to say, regardless of her obviously concern, I spoke to my mum who worried, so i won't progress on that one.

It used to just be when i was trying to sleep, when its dark, silent and after watching certain television. But now it can be any time of the day in any situation.

I bought my first car the other day. with all my own money. i felt proud and as though i'd ticked off a massive milestone step in life, which, as instantly as when paying for the car, i linked with the forever closing gap between now and a foreverness of nothing.

I've sat down with myself and tried to tell myself I have to come to terms with it and that I will still be here, just almost sleeping. but then i fear of disasters such as the world ending completely wiping my existence all together! or even just simple science like decomposition!

I have tattoo's, and was getting one just this weekend and thought to myself how happy I was with it and it'd be there forever, but within 100 years my skin will be part of the soil!

I was watching david attinboroughs 'africa' with the turtles hatching and heading for sea, the narrative said 'those who make it can life for up to 80 years' and i instantly thought of how i'd be lucky to see 80 years, following by what happens then...

there is no doubt about what happens, i am fully none religious, and thats what scares me.

Simply I don't want to die, I'm not willing to work hard all my life maintaining relationships just to die, whats the point...?

The structure of this post is becoming a rant now, so yeah...

Hi! :)

[nomorepanic]

Hi fear

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[Annie0904]

Hi :welcome: It sounds to me like grief counselling maybe helpful to you. I have experienced a lot of loss of people close to me and have had similar feelings. I am having Intense Psychotherapy at the moment and one of the things that we are discussing is grief. Maybe your doctor could refer you?

[Mark13]

Hi fear

Welcome to the forum.

I posted about my sleep fear in the Phobias sub-forum last month, so I understand what you mean.

I also have the existential anxiety, and am non-religious too.

Life is what we make it, the values and reasons for living are our own, I certainly don't believe we were created for any purpose.

My fear of death, sleep, reasons for living fluctuate with my moods and whichever medication I'm on at the time.

Maybe you should look into counselling or medication?

[fear]

thanks for replies so far, i'll reply in bulk when/if there are more. I'd like to add to this my mental inability to take medication. I can't remember the last time I took paracetamol for headaches/hangovers/general pain, my belief is that pain is there for a reason, i don't like the idea of taking something to cancel it out. Similarly with anti-depressants or such, i'd prefer to learn to live with it controllably than have to rely on medication. Maybe this is an obsession?

[Tessar]

Fear, I totally relate to your very emotive post. In many respects I couldn't have put it better myself. I feel like the world is closing in on me sometimes and I share your thoughts about the future.
I recall very clearly the first time in my life that I realised I would die. I was about your age. It had never actually crossed my mind before then. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I didn't tell anyone at all because it felt like, if I did, then it would happen. I would die.
I would love to come out with clever and constructive words of reassurance about your future but since I feel exactly the same about mine, that would actually be very difficult for me. Because I like being honest with people, I'd rather be up front with you about that. Having said that, I will share some thoughts that spring to mind.
Although it happened some 30 years ago, I remember very clearly indeed how I felt when my first pet died. She was my world. It felt like we had been through thick and thin together. She was there for me when my family let me down, when they were horrible to me. She died naturally, old age really. But it was still hard as she'd been fit & well till suddenly it happened. I lost my best mate. Despite that being all those years ago, she is still there in my mind. She lives on for me to this day. That is because she was special. Very special.
I feel that your pet was special to you too. This is why it feels like the last straw in this cruel world. Your beautiful friend that you could rely on has gone. It is very hard when this happens and that you feel so bad is a mark of respect & shows how important your dog was to you. They will live on for you, in your mind, the good times you shared and the bond you felt will not go. It will still be there. Nothing will take any of that away, ever. Your dog is now at rest, playing in animal heaven, in a sunny meadow. They know how to play and be happy because you showed them how good it is to be loved, cared for and to have fun.
I have also lost animals on the road too. It is a truly horrible way for them to go. Not only do you have to deal with the intense emotions of losing that beloved pet, but the accident itself stirs up all sorts of horrible thoughts and emotions. Your post demonstrates just that. They are difficult to handle at any age, but at 21, you are so very young.
As you say too, you have been surrounded with so much bereavement, this is not easy to handle at any age, but as I said, you are still very young. It is so much to take in.
Annie is right, some grief counselling would really benefit you.
I,speak from personal experience here because I am seeing a counsellor at the moment. i chose her because she specialises in grief counselling. My choice was influenced by the fact that I have also suffered numerous bereavements in the last couple of years. It is not something that can be dealt particularly easily, especially alone. This is why I would urge you to see If your doctor would refer you for counselling.
Grief is very complicated and you have lost your best friend in your pet dog. I'm so sorry that you have had to endure all this sadness as I do relate to how down it can make you feel.
Stay in touch won't you... Because there are many lovely people here who can help you through this and I would like to be one of them. xXx

[Izzie2494]

I understand exactly what you mean I keep thinking "what's the point" with everything I do, whenever I am happy for a split second I then think what is the point in being happy, but then I think well what is the point in being sad, I a going to start counselling for this so maybe counselling could benefit you aswell?

[unspoken]

Hello.

Wow it sounds like you've been over thinking things a lot lately. You sound like you'd benefit from finding somebody impartial to talk to about your fears. Have you been to see your doctor about this at all?

There are various local support groups and charities that can provide counselling or a group of people going through the same thing. It sounds like some bereavement counselling could help you.

In my experience, most people get through the day by putting these kind of thoughts of mortality out of their minds and focusing instead on the minutiae of daily life - what happened on EastEnders last night, what kind of coffee they should buy from the supermarket, what they have to look forward to. Thinking about the big things in life will make you anxious because there is so much uncertainty and anxiety feeds on uncertainty. Go to your GP, see if they know of any charities or services they can refer you to. Look online on your local council and NHS pages, to see what they can do for you. It sounds like something you really have to talk through with someone and come to terms with so that you can move forward with your life.