So Down, dunno what to do...

[xhyperyogix]

Haven't posted for ages, and I know that there's not much that anyone can do, but maybe I just need to write it down.... I mean how can I talk to anyone about not wishing to continue when I know they'll only want to know *why*... Why, well, if I knew that, then I'd avoid that *why* like the plague, change my life in any way i can, and be alright. What when there is nohting wrong with my life and I should be happy. i shouldn't keep failing like this.... I'm at the stage when i can't talk to anyone coz all I do is scare or upset people. I would love to be able to talk to someone who goes, oh yeah, i totally get you. It's so guilty-making when all i see is death... My therapist said last week that sometimes she finds it hard to relate to me *when I'm like that* (all hyper)..... she seems to only understand it if I am emotional about inner pain or when people in my life have hurt me. She said a lot of what I say is 'airy-fairy'......So anyway, I'm not airy-fairy anymore. I'm sinking in my own world of decay and disease and find it impossible to function - currently hiding at home all day having cancelled all my work. I've got a nice boyfriend of a few mon ths but i dont know wow to communicate where im at. Im not me, and he doesn't need a shell of a person instead of the fun person he met....things are getting too odd and i think i may be trapped in this purple haze and pain combo forever, sertraline worked, i mean really worked. but now its feeling evil idk.... i am not panicing just feel resigned. at least anxiety was about fkighting badness. and i feel bad for being on this forum coz i havent got panic attacks any more. but i know you're all really nice and don't know what else to do..

sorry for the long ramble and sorry if I don't make sense,

yogi xxx

[yoyolandi]

This sounds very familiar . . . I seem to go back and forth between extremes of being super hyper and very, very reclusive. I'm definitely in one of the reclusive lows at the moment as well.

It's good that you recognize the good things you have in your life (boyfriend etc). I guess that sometimes no matter how many times you tell yourself "I shouldn't feel like this!" you're still gonna feel it . . . in my experience anyway. Don't beat yourself up about having emotions, and don't feel guilty about needing time to yourself to work things out.

Hope things improve x

Y

[xhyperyogix]

Hey thanks so much for ypur reply and im sorry to hear youre in a low too. its just so hard to think rationally when i feel like this. i do know it will improve as well. but i think each time a little bit more of me dies and its hard to come back from. its all so exhusating!!

love your name btw.

hugs for your reclusive phase too x xx

[yoyolandi]

I know that feeling. The rational side of you tells yourself to just get over it already, while the other keeps pulling you back down. Over and over.
Oh well . . . One day at a time, eh? Haha.
I guess that's all we can do really but it'll get better :)

Y

[xhyperyogix]

Ok, I have to laugh at myself today. I was on the platform at the tube for so long that a guard came up and asked me what train i was waiting for. When I replied i wasn't waiting for a train I think he was confused, so i left, and turned the wrong way out the exit and walked all the way to kensington before I realised I went the wrong way and had to walk all the way back down past the station to Chelsea which is where I was going. What a nice 45 min delay, I even thought at one point the traffic was going the wrong way lol!!!!

Ive had to come home now for a sleep because all that was so draining...best not to leave the house again...

Hope your day is better xxx

[yoyolandi]

Oh nooo! xD
At least you got there eventually! Haha.

I had the day off from work today, and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything to do besides mope around the house, which I know is bad for me because I get really depressed and think too much when I am alone all day . . . so if you can believe it, I went down to the shop I work at just to get out for a bit. My coworkers were very confused as to why I was there. Haha. I'm back at my apartment now and it sounds like my new neighbors have moved in upstairs . . . they are so loud! Oh joy. xD

Y

[xhyperyogix]

hey ha ha about going to work - nice though that you like your co workers, its important and yeah i get ya about staying in the house too much. Feels like the right thing to do, but it's sometimes the worst. im a bit better today - last night my mate came round and made me up my sert, and is coming back tonight. I was so embarrassed by the state of the house that Ive cleared up a bit and finally done the washing up. It had got to the stage of me eating off of cake tin bottoms with plastic spoons!!

hope your new neighbours are not too noisy and may even become friends....

hugs from me and my 2 cats xx