New Member - On the verge of a breakdown :(

[mrsbradders]

Hi everyone, im new to this website, and stumbled across it from browsing the web for information regarding panic / anxiety attacks / disorders. I have 3 boys and recently had a baby girl, whom is now 5 weeks old, as soon as she was born in hospital, i started with what i was told where panic attacks, they were a very strange / surreal feeling, as if it was like an outer body experience. My whole body felt as if it was shaking, and i physically felt i had to shake my hands / arms / legs to get the inside shakes to stop, if that makes any sense. :wacko: Whilst in hospital the midwife was very uncaring, and as i had never experienced panic attacks before i asked the midwife if she could sit with me whilst it passed, but her response was 'i cannot, i am busy' i found this highly rude and very uncaring, when i was so so terrified with a newborn baby!

Upon coming home with baby, i seemed to just get worse, but also think the fact that i had baby blues as you do as a new mummy, played a part also. But theyve never gone away. I went to the GP as i felt i could no longer cope and he put me on Propranolol (40mg) x1 twice a day. So i take this at around 9am in a morning and then again at around 5pm.

Been taking this for 3 weeks, and it worked for those 3 weeks, but on Wednesday last week (23rd January) i seemed to get a whole lot worse, the panic attacks seem to come thick and fast, and i felt as if my throat was closing, and i couldnt breathe. I somehow managed to calm down and get through it, do not ask me how! Then for a few days following this i again felt as if my mouth was ridiculously dry, that my tongue was swollen, my uvulva (dangly bit at the back of throat) was swollen and touching my tongue, and just in general that the entire back of my mouth / throat was swollen up. (Panicking now just thinking about it!) Then on the eve of the 25th January i tried to go to sleep, went upstairs at 10pm and couldnt get to sleep at all, was still wide awake at 1am when my husband came upstairs with the baby. Still awake come 2am, then 3am, then 4am, then 5am, then gave up and just got up out of bed, so i had been awake for 2 days, with no sleep, and also not eat nothing for 2 days due to lack of appetite! I had also been having tight chest pain, which then also seemed to go under my left breast into my back, so was rather worried about this too!

So on Sunday 27th Jan, i decided to ring the emergency doctors to try and get in with them to discuss what was happening, and as to whether they could give me something in addition to the propranalol or if these were making me worse or no longer working, but as per usual the emergency docs had a 3 hour wait, and i couldn't sit in a confined space with all those people for such a lengthy time, so instead opted for A&E as i thought what if these chest / back pains are serious, or possibly a PE (pulmonary embolism) as id had a previous scare with one of those following a previous childbirth.

So off to A&E I went. Doctor checked me over, heart, blood pressure, temperature all normal. He said he really felt as if it was down to the anxiety attacks / panic attacks, but asked me further questions, regarding my mood in general, and i blubbed away telling him, that my throat was my biggest worry, that if this would go maybe i could deal more with the panic attacks, or learn to, but because ive got so much going on i cant deal with everything all at once! He then said it sounds as if i have got anxiety depression also. I had postnatal depression following a previous childbirth, but that was more towards feeling as if i could harm my baby as he was soo hard work, but this time its nothing like that, so i was rather confused!

I also explained to him that my mum found out she had severe stage 4b cancer of the nose / palate / neck etc and had to have all removed, and following this had radiotherapy, managed 26 out of 30 sessions before her throat swelling up, and she stopped breathing, resulting in a heart attack, and was needed to have her throat slit and a tube put in, rushed to theatre and a tracheostomy put in, so i think i have a major fear that this is going to happen to me.

He then presrcibed me with Sertraline - 50mg for the first 7 days to be taken in a morning, then to up the dose to 100mg for the next 7 days to be taken one in a morning and one at night. He also prescribed me with just the 1 diazepam (5mg) for that night to try and help me calm down and sleep. He mentioned that the Sertraline could make my anxiety worse for the first 3-4 days.

So i came home after taking the diazepam, and it really calmed me down and i actually went to sleep til the morning after!!

Woke up with the same throat problem, dryness etc, yesterday (28th January), but felt a little more calmer, hadnt managed to get the prescription for the Sertraline so hadnt taken it. But continued to take my Propranolol. I was fine throughout the day apart from a few mild panic attacks. Tried contacting my own GP to explain about my trip to A&E and also ask whether or not he could prescribe me any more Diazepam or an alternative sleeping tablet, and also whether he felt the sertraline would be right for me. But attempted this call to my GP a total of 6 times, and he couldnt speak to me on any occasion, no available appointments, so explained in tears to the receptionist i really needed to speak to him and the reason why etc, she said she would leave him a note, guess what...he never rang. I started having the most horrendous of all panic attacks, and couldnt seem to calm down, no matter how much walking up and down, talking to myself, singing, humming, counting backwards, i did, nothing was working! I rung the emergency doctors instead and they rang me back almost instantly, and i explained and he instantly prescribed me with 5x diazepam (5mg) to tie me over til i manage to speak to my GP. Got the prescription and took one when i got home, and within half hour i calmed down dramatically, it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Really couldnt believe how much it had worked! Stayed awake for a few hours, doing stuff i hadnt managed to do throughout the day, then off to bed i went.

I awoke a few times during the night, with Diarrhea, another symptom ive been suffering from for the past few days too! So painful! Then also woke after having a really bad nightmare, not sure where that came from as i dont have nightmares ever!

Anyway, i just feel as if im cracking up, as if im never ever gonna get better, as if this throat / mouth sensation is never gonna go, and i cannot live like that for the rest of my life. Ive got a 5 week old baby that i need to bond with and cannot, because this is ruining my life! I just dont know what im meant to do. I dread the dark coming (night time) as i know i have to go to sleep, i seriously am going to crack up, i just want to wake up normal :weep:

Ive took my first Sertraline this morning and also decided to take a Diazepam with it just in case it causes any further anxiety, but im sat here now terrified of whats going to happen to me when it kicks in :weep:

Has anyone else experienced any of the above, taken any of the meds, and will i be ok? will i get better?

Sorry to go on and on, but really dont have anyone else to talk to x

Gem x

[Karen Bromley]

Am in tears. Reading yout letter because I feel I'm cracking up. I have numerous thinks going on with my body, chest pains. Left arm aching, my throat as if its constricted getting tighter tongue going numb lips tingling. Been asleep one hour, proplanadol made me feel so ill, on citrolpram feels as thou it doesn't work. Been like this for two years. Feel as thou nothing will work. Feel so sorry for you. Hope u find peace.

[Pinktel]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time but you have to keep telling yourself you will be fine and no harm will come to you.

Panic will it harm you.

Do you think looking back you are a highly strung person? You mention past scares and depressions, it may well be that you have always struggled with anxiety they just never resulted in panic until now.

Are you happy on the meds? Did your GP not offer any therapy instead! I am always amazes when people say they walked out with drugs from the GP on their first approach to them regarding anxiety. Studies show the most effective approach to anxiety is through cognitive and behavioural therapy, perhaps with some meds to support this process if required.

I would recommend cbt4panic which is free for 30 days, ou get an enormous amount of information, workbooks, videos and even then after the 30 days free trial you have another 30 days to ask for your money back after they have billed you. I think it currently is about £58 which was cheaper than one session with a psychologist for me where I live.

If I could give anybody one tip it would be to investigate that programme. I have suffered almost 20 years with every phobia, anxiety in the book. If it can help me it can help anyone.

Also, try not to focus too much on what your specific symptom is, it could be a health worry about the way your throat feels, it could be worry about a repetitive thought, it could be a fear of cotton wool, it doesn't matter. You need to learn that none of it is real and none of the feelings, thoughts, objects or symptoms are going to cause you actual harm.

You need to take decisive action as your little baby needs you, as do your other children. I personally don't think the answers you want will be found by taking pills, you yourself and your own mind are a much more powerful and effective force.

[mrsbradders]

Hi Karen

In what way did propranalol make you feel ill? Ive googled Citalopram as i had that for postnatal depression with a previous child, and wanted to know the difference between that and this Sertralim that im on, and according to reviews alot of people start off on Citalopram but end up being moved over to Sertralim. Maybe you could go back to your GP and discuss possibly changing your meds? Hope you too find some peace soon, i really wish i could :weep:

---------- Post added at 11:24 ---------- Previous post was at 11:21 ----------

Hi Pinktel

Yes i have always been a highly strung person, and a few people have said the attacks could stem from previous life experiences, such as my mum being diagnosed with cancer, and having to have a substansial part of her face removed along with her nose etc, and then with her stopping breathing etc. That this could be now catching up with me so to speak, especially with my current throat problems i am experiencing, along with having a new baby, and hormones being up in the air, that it could all be connected. Yes im super struggling with the panic attacks etc, but the main thing at present is this wierd sensation in my mouth, i just cant properly explain it, but its horrific, and makes me feel as if i need to gag, or im going to choke etc, and i think if this would go away i could concentrate and deal more with panic attacks etc. But its just not happening.

The doc did mention some CBT or meds, and i opted for meds initially as a quick fix as i just couldnt cope. But ive just gotten worse and worse, so may ask about the CBT also.

[skippy66]

You do not need meds. You WILL beat this if you make the conscious decision to try. I did it and if I can anyone can. Panic attacks ruined my 20s, I'm now 31 and free of them.

[Pinktel]

Well, I have never tried meds so I can't comment on them personally speaking but I have seen on these forums how they seem to make people worse for a time. I don't understand that. Then by the time you start to feel better, how do you know you wouldn't have begun to feel better anyway?

I have been housebound, I have considered suicide, I have missed 20 years of living, I have feared I was going mad, that I would drop down dead, I have been too scared to move on occasion. Nothing this anxiety can throw at me surprises me any more.

The feelings you are experiencing sound like anxiety symptoms to me. Sounds like your doctor cannot see anything of concern either and has diagnosed anxiety also. The symptoms you are feeling would be very easily brought on, in fact you give such a wonderful graphic description, the old me would have gone away and developed them :D.

I have been where you are... "if i could just be sure that <insert your own personal symptom here> was okay then I could concentrate on my feelings of anxiety and get better"

It doesn't work. It's all part and parcel of it. We need to change our thinking to "if I can just work on these symptoms and realise they are not harmful and can never harm me and never will harm me, then I can get better."

If you have access to the web, just check out the cbt4panic website, it could be the best thing you do all day!

[mrsbradders]

Hi Skippy, i wish i could do this without meds! Again i would be willing to try if this throat malarky wasnt present! Ive just been informed that the Propranalol can have a side effect where it makes you feel as if your throat is closing, i wonder if this is why im getting that feeling? but then again ive been on these for 3 weeks so why would this only come into play last wednesday, so that theory is out the window! Im back at the GP tomorrow so going to ask. Im 28 btw, 2 days away from 29 and not even one bit looking forward to celebrating my birthday :weep:

---------- Post added at 13:05 ---------- Previous post was at 13:02 ----------

Hi Pinktel, I totally understand where your coming from, in regards to taking meds then feeling worse then feeling better, and the how do you know you wouldnt have anyway. But me personally at the time dont think i would have gotten through how bad i was without the meds. I just couldnt deal with it, as well as having to look after 4 children under the age of 5, one being the newborn! I dont want to be taking all these different medications, and don't want to have to rely on anything, but i see no other option at this moment in time, specially not until my throat / mouth situation is sorted, or even figured out what it is! :weep:

[Pinktel]

Well in that case I think you need to make yourself a promise...

If you see your GP and he cannot find anything clinically wrong with your mouth, throat and tongue you need to treat yourself to some therapy.

Part of that may be stopping the reassurance seeking from medical professionals. Speak to your GP about it. Sounds like all your vital stats were good, bp etc your body has just produced a lovely new baby for you - you must be a strong and healthy person to have done this, and it takes its toll on you emotionally, psychologically and physically. Be kind to yourself.

I am certain you will be given the all clear, these symptoms you are suffering from - whether side effects or anxiety caused - will do you no harm.

However hard you worry and panic, you can't make your throat swell up from anxiety. You won't just stop breathing. It's a really really really common anxiety symptom you are suffering.

But you definitely need to do something to sort yourself out, you deserve better. I truly believe CBT would be life changing for you. In my opinion it's the only route to a real "cure" rather than a sticking plaster approach.

[retrochic]

Hi Gem

I am a brand new member - joined today just because I wanted to reach out to you.

I totally relate to what you are going through as I have had a very similar experience. You will get better, this will go away.

I will try and be brief but want to tell you a bit of my story so you know you are not alone.

I got pregnant (planned) in 2009 with my first child and was over the moon. At the time i was taking Seroxat for depression/anxiety and decided to come off slowly, which I did. It wasn't until I went on maternity leave that I started experiencing panic attacks and high levels of anxiety about the baby. Feeling her wriggling around inside me felt like an alien I couldn't escape from. I presumed once I'd had her the panic would go away. Unfortunately it got worse. I developed full blown panic disorder and could have 20 attacks a day for no reason. It was hell. I don't know how I looked after myself or my little one and I too struggled to bond.

I was put on Sertraline (which I still take at 150mg daily). I was also given Propranolol (cant remember the dosage but was 3 tablets 3 times a day), at one point they even put me on Rispiridone (which is an anti-psychotic). I took part in an academic study on panic during/after pregnancy - it is not something with the high profile of post natal depression but many women are clearly suffering with it.

My little girl is now 2 1/2 and I adore her (although still find motherhood challenging at times)!! I get panic attacks extremely rarely and only feel anxious occasionally.

Regarding Sertraline, it will take a couple of weeks to work fully but is (I am told by mental health professionals) a very good drug to help with anxiety and panic. Don't worry too much about the side effects before you have experienced them (it's those damn 'what if...?' questions that get us anxious folk into a pickle!) I expect the nightmare is a side effect however, I get them when I forget to take a tablet so it makes sense to get them as your system is adjusting to the new drug.

I am not a medical professional, but here are the things I have found to help:
SLEEP - sleep deprivation is used as torture, you need to make sure you sleep especially with a new baby (can hubby take over night feeds/grandparents look after the kids during the day)?
Eat properly - I remember not being able to eat for ages and having to stop breast feeding as my milk practically dried up. If you cant eat meals make sure what you do eat is full of goodness (eg banana).
Relax - I have done CBT, counselling etc but found what worked for me was relaxation techniques; meditation (look up mindfulness based meditation), yoga, hypnotherapy. You can find guided visualisations on youtube which you can use to help you sleep.

Hope this is useful. Feel free to ask me any questions. xx

Regarding the throat thing - I didn't experience this (but did become obsessed about other sensations that freaked me out). It sounds like your brain has associated the throat feeling with the panic attacks and its all becoming a vicious cycle. Try to remember that these are just sensations and cannot harm you (and yes, I do know how hard it is to do that)!! :D

[Tufty]

I developed panic disorder after the birth of my first child 16 years ago and your description of the initial feelings of out of body experience immediately childbirth are exactly what I experienced.

You do not mention the throat issue until being on the Propanolol for 3 weeks, so the panic was there before without the throat thing. I agree that you need to get your throat looked at but it is probably a symptom of the anxiety.

I believe the most important thing for you is to minimise the length of time you experience panic attacks, (as the longer and more you have the harder it maybe to recover), be able to care for your young family and feel confident in the medication you are taking. CBT will help you, learning more about panic and anxiety will help you understand the varied symptoms and ways to help yourself, however this takes time and you need help now.

With hindsight I would of avoided hospitalisation when my baby was 6 weeks old with anxiety if I understood more about what I was feeling and why but more helpful would of been some Diazepam and night sedation to help me through those weeks. Sleep played the biggest part in my recovery and if I'd been given medication to help me sleep, alot of what happened could of been avoided. It does pass, whether it's hormonal, the stress of childbirth, an emotional trigger who knows and it doesn't really matter, try not to spend time and energy thinking as to why you feel like you do. Sometimes you cannot think you're way out of it, it just is, accept that's how it is and float with it, this is where the Diazepam can help. I agree it is just a sticking plaster rather than a cure but you need reduce the severity of the panic attacks to enable you to function.

Consider medication carefully, it isn't for everybody but sometimes it's needed to recover. Some antidepressants will help with anxiety, have a good chat with your Dr about the different types, you definately don't want one that may increase your anxiety. Also 2mg Diazepam maybe a better option than the 5mg, it is an addictive drug and less is better if possible.

As for bonding with your baby, I too was concerned that the relationship with my baby would suffer as a result of my anxiety, it did not and has not in any way. We have a very close relationship still, I did not enjoy the first few months of motherhood because of the way I felt but I knew I loved and cared for my daughter as well as I would of done if I did not have anxiety.

Take Care

Great advice from Retrochic - sleep and eat - so important

[mrsbradders]

Hi Retrochic

Many thanks for taking the time to join and also reply to my thread! Really helped reading what you have gone through, and how you now seem to have come out the other side. The nightmare i had was prior to taking sertraline, so not sure what caused it, whether it was just a random nightmare, or whether it was a side effect of one of the many tablets ive been taking! I was told also that Sertraline is really good for anxiety / panic along with depression, so im hoping they are the right tablets for me.

I know i need to stop worrying something is going to happen before it actually does just because someone else might have had side effects, doesnt mean i necessarily will, its just hard to think positive sometimes.

Hubby is fabulous with all the children, and i am lucky in the sense that our new baby girl has slept through from 2 n half weeks old. So no need for night feed help. I have hardly eat anything since last wednesday, but have just today managed to eat a sandwhich, which im super proud ive managed to do, but my throat went a bit funny, its as though i have a mild attack when i know something is coming if that makes sense. I knew it was dinner time, knew it was time to eat, and that i was hungry for the first time in days, but then my throat / tongue starting going funny, managed to get the food down but still left with the odd feeling in my mouth. So frustrating! You may be right my brain might have associated it with the panic attacks, i just wish it would go away, another sensation i get is as though i am going to swallow my tongue, its horrific :weep:

---------- Post added at 16:28 ---------- Previous post was at 13:26 ----------

Hi Tufty

Yes the panic / anxiety hit me as soon as baby was born, and has stayed with me ever since, but the Throat sensation / tongue sensation only came into play last wednesday, which rather confuses me and worries me even more, as why has this now only started?!!?

I have been to the doctors this afternoon, and discussed everything again with him, and explained how i currently feel, how the throat / tongue sensation is and how this is what is really really making my life impossible at the minute. He really really thinks it is all down to anxiety. He explained that anxiety can be a 24 hour thing, so the throat / tongue sensation feeling as if its swollen can be linked to this and also feel like it is their all day, and get much worse if my anxiety increases. He explained that the Sertraline are a really really good tablet for anxiety / panic depression and usually take around 1 -2 weeks to kick in, and yes there may be side effects where the panic / anxiety can feel as if its slightly worse, but if i can get through those few days he said that would mean the tabets are more likely to have an effect and work. I really do hope so.

I honestly feel like i can no longer cope with this feeling. I was fine this morning, a slight sensation but as the day went on, especially when it came to lunch time, it decided to get worse, much worse, and hasnt gone down since!

[retrochic]

Hey there

So glad u found the post useful. U must let me in on your secret of getting baby to sleep through from such a young age (am 5 weeks pregnant)!! I was just searching forums and found one about mouth/swallowing issues...u might want to check it out. Xx

[Tufty]

Mrs B, Your GP sounds understanding and is right about the Sertraline, I hope you feel a little more reassured about the medication and your symptoms.
It is horrible as the symptoms and feeling peak and trough through out the day, you never quite know where you are. At times it may feel like you are not able to cope with the feelings, but you know what? You can and will, there is no other option. What you are going through is temporary. Try not to think about how you feel, your thinking/thoughts are not reliable at the moment. When you have those thoughts of 'I can't do this anymore' you are adding to the anxiety, try to ignore those thoughts - distract yourself with anything you can. The anxiety feelings are very real, but your thoughts about those feelings can exacerbate the panic. Have you got any Diazepam to take when the panic peaks whilst the Sertraline kicks in.
Take care
:hugs: Sam

[mrsbradders]

Hi Retrochic, i have 4 children, 3 boys aged 5, 4 and 3 and a newborn baby girl who is 5 weeks old. And every single one of my children have slept through from a young age, all the boys where either 6 weeks or 8 weeks, and its only this little one that is super fantastic and has slept through from 2 and half weeks old! Last bottle at 10pm and then i have to wake her at 6am so that i can keep her in the routine i need her to be in lol. Was it on this forum about the throat issue?

Hi Sam

I do feel reassured with the medication, i think the main worry at present is the throat / tongue sensation. I had to go to bed at like 8pm last night as i just couldnt take it anymore, and if im asleep im not thinking about it am i, so i just want to go to sleep all the time. Yes ive got some Diazepam just in case i need to take any. I took one yesterday at 5pmish but havent taken any since. I dont want to have to rely on them, or get addicted so i am only going to take them if it is absolutely necessary.

I think if a Doctor or someone knew exactly what this sensation was in my mouth and said this is what it is, it will 100% clear up and go away come x amount of days or weeks, then i think id deal with it better because then id have hope that it is going to go away, and ive just gotta be strong, but because the GP and other people are just saying that it MAYBE an anxiety symptom, and it MAY go when the Setraline kicks in, its as though thats not good enough for my brain, if that makes sense.

My 29th Birthday today, and oh how i am soo not having a good day! :(

[mrsbradders]

Had a really ok day yesterday (01/02/13). Felt as if it was the start of me getting better, the throat sensation / tongue sensation seem to have eased slightly, and i felt i could deal with it a bit more. However upon the darkness coming (as in the evening time), i could feel myself starting to get butterflies in my tummy as if i was scared to go to bed. Attempted to go to sleep but panic took over, heart felt as if it was racing and pumping out my chest, legs and arms starting twitching and jerking as they do. I must have drifted off but woke up gagging as if i was choking on a few occasions, ended up dashing to the toilet thinking i was going to be sick, the gagging got that bad. Got back in bed and thought im going to have to go and take a diazepam to try and calm me down and send me off to sleep, but somehow managed to drift off,and woke up this morning feeling like utter crap!

Feel as if i am back to square one! Why can't i just continue to get better?!!? Its so disheartening, i have a good day, yet cant have a good night, and wake up the following day feeling like crap, most probably due to the fact that ive not had a good night! Its just a vicious cycle, and im seriously getting fed up now. I just want to be back being me, and enjoy my family!

Today is day 5 of taking 50mg Sertraline. Day 4 of taking just 1 a day of 40mg Propranalol.