eeyoresraincloud
03-09-06, 13:49
I know I have only posted on here a couple of times, but I felt really well after them posts and quite positive, but at the moment I seem to have an issue playing on my mind that I just need to get off of my chest.
The issue I am having at the moment is with my mum. I love her to pieces and have always had the impression that she was my 'best friend' and was there for me through thick and thin, but recently I have come to realise that she doesn't know me at all.
The realisation has come from me exploring all the things that I am going through at the moment (which I have mentioned here before). It is apparent to anyone who knows me that I have a problem, and yet she has never mentioned anything to me, and when I brought the subject up with her, her reply was 'go to the doctor'. When I was at school and obviously unhappy, it was my dad who talked to me about it all, my mum just shouted as she was frustrated.
I know a lot of the way I am feeling at the moment is down to jealousy, as both my brothers have moved back in with my parents recently. My youngest brother has a rampant cocaine addiction and lost his flat, and my other brother and his wife and child have moved back in because they also lost their home, but due to bad financial management. Every time I ring my mum, (she never rings me), they all sound like their having a great time, everyone is always laughing, she doesn't even give me her whole attention when we are on the phone as usually someone will speak to her and she will reply even though shes clearly on the phone. I just sit their listening to some mundane conversation about what their having for dinner or whatever.
It has always been this way, when I was a kid I was always shipped off to my grandparents every weekend whilst my brothers stayed at home.
I seem to have taken up the role of my mums rock, whenever I talk to her, it is always about my brothers and their problems, my nan and her problems (she has had bladder cancer, but recovered, bit lives 300 miles away), or we just talk about the world at large. We have skimmed over some of my problems, i.e. my drinking, but never really got into the subject, and I don't want to push it as I know she has a lot on her plate with everything else going on.
Basically what I am trying to say is that I am completely shocked that my mum isn't the person I thought she was. Don't get me wrong, she is truly a wonderful kind loving person, but I just think she either doesn't know me or chooses not to see what is really going on. God I sound like such a spoilt b***h. Jealous of your own family thats really messed up!!
A perfect example of what I am talking about is what is happening right know. It is 1.40pm on Sunday afternoon, my husband has gone away for the week, he left yesterday, so I am here all on my own. Has my mum phoned to invite me up for dinner, or checked that I am okay. Nope, good ole little me she don't need anyone, she is a tough cookie. They are all sitting up at me mums (she lives at the top of a hill) waiting for a Sunday roast and I am down here ranting at a computer screen wondering what made for 1 crap I can microwave for my dinner. God I am pathetic but it is reallty bugging me.
Phew, it feels good to get that all out as it was driving me crazy whizzing round and round my head winding me up. I can't say anything to my mum about this, but getting it down here has been fabulous. This place is like the pensieve in Harry Potter, you know the bowl where you put all the thoughts that you can deal with at the time and come back to them later. Anyway as I said I am now going to the shops to purchase some microwavable rubbish that will serve as my dinner.
Take care y'all.
XXX
The issue I am having at the moment is with my mum. I love her to pieces and have always had the impression that she was my 'best friend' and was there for me through thick and thin, but recently I have come to realise that she doesn't know me at all.
The realisation has come from me exploring all the things that I am going through at the moment (which I have mentioned here before). It is apparent to anyone who knows me that I have a problem, and yet she has never mentioned anything to me, and when I brought the subject up with her, her reply was 'go to the doctor'. When I was at school and obviously unhappy, it was my dad who talked to me about it all, my mum just shouted as she was frustrated.
I know a lot of the way I am feeling at the moment is down to jealousy, as both my brothers have moved back in with my parents recently. My youngest brother has a rampant cocaine addiction and lost his flat, and my other brother and his wife and child have moved back in because they also lost their home, but due to bad financial management. Every time I ring my mum, (she never rings me), they all sound like their having a great time, everyone is always laughing, she doesn't even give me her whole attention when we are on the phone as usually someone will speak to her and she will reply even though shes clearly on the phone. I just sit their listening to some mundane conversation about what their having for dinner or whatever.
It has always been this way, when I was a kid I was always shipped off to my grandparents every weekend whilst my brothers stayed at home.
I seem to have taken up the role of my mums rock, whenever I talk to her, it is always about my brothers and their problems, my nan and her problems (she has had bladder cancer, but recovered, bit lives 300 miles away), or we just talk about the world at large. We have skimmed over some of my problems, i.e. my drinking, but never really got into the subject, and I don't want to push it as I know she has a lot on her plate with everything else going on.
Basically what I am trying to say is that I am completely shocked that my mum isn't the person I thought she was. Don't get me wrong, she is truly a wonderful kind loving person, but I just think she either doesn't know me or chooses not to see what is really going on. God I sound like such a spoilt b***h. Jealous of your own family thats really messed up!!
A perfect example of what I am talking about is what is happening right know. It is 1.40pm on Sunday afternoon, my husband has gone away for the week, he left yesterday, so I am here all on my own. Has my mum phoned to invite me up for dinner, or checked that I am okay. Nope, good ole little me she don't need anyone, she is a tough cookie. They are all sitting up at me mums (she lives at the top of a hill) waiting for a Sunday roast and I am down here ranting at a computer screen wondering what made for 1 crap I can microwave for my dinner. God I am pathetic but it is reallty bugging me.
Phew, it feels good to get that all out as it was driving me crazy whizzing round and round my head winding me up. I can't say anything to my mum about this, but getting it down here has been fabulous. This place is like the pensieve in Harry Potter, you know the bowl where you put all the thoughts that you can deal with at the time and come back to them later. Anyway as I said I am now going to the shops to purchase some microwavable rubbish that will serve as my dinner.
Take care y'all.
XXX