How can i help myself when no-one else does???

[ynos]

Just back from my very first appointment with a counsellor, I'm not sure what I expected it to be but it wasn't what I needed or what I understood it was going to be. I thought I'd be given some tips for how to get myself out there again, how to do things, what was a good thing for me or a bad thing to do, just in a nutshell some advice about where to go, what to do & how to get myself back to the land of working people again without feeling so bad/anxious/tearful about the whole thing. Well what I got has just upset me so much I don't know what to do or how to move forward. I have never felt like this so I need to know how to get better. After a million questions where I wasn't looked in the eye once and pretty much me crying the whole time she decides that nothing has caused this sudden 'I think I'm going mad moment' (the one that started all of this some weeks ago)?????? so..... I ask I can't go to work like this (sobbing, and getting more worried about how full the waiting room will be when i have to leave) what can I do to get better?, so I now have written on a scrap of paper a course name and website which I looked up and it is........in March, i get to book another timeslot in 4 weeks time to chat some more. I felt like today was going to be the start but it feels like no-one is able to give clear advice that I can take!!! what can I do????? I'm all cried out now and don't know where to start it all over again, everything was coming down to today for me and now I just feel so let down.
sorry it's so long, just had to get it off my chest
Thank-you :weep:

[swgrl09]

I'm sorry you had such a bad first experience with a counselor. The counselor does sound a bit cold, and if the fit is not there maybe you can find somebody else.

The one thing I will say is that first sessions with counselors are always different from the rest of therapy. The first session really is just for gathering information so that the counselor can think it over and come up with a plan. You usually don't start the real "work" until the second session. At my internship, when new clients come in we always tell them that the first session is just for gathering information and real therapy will not begin until the next.

I would suggest going once more and seeing what happens. If you really don't think you can work with this counselor, maybe try to find one a bit friendlier and warmer.

[ynos]

Thank-you so much for the reply, it mean a lot to me at the moment.
I think I will give it another go, what other choices do I have?
If any explanation was given at the start i may have felt better about what was happening.
Can't believe how bad I feel just now..

[nomorepanic]

I found counsellors very cold hearted and made me feel 100 times worse!

You need to see a CBT therapist rather than a counsellor in my opinion.

[ricardo]

Couldn't agree more with Nicola about counsellors and also as swgrl said you have to gell with the right person,though the first session is as she says asking loads of questions about you .
I had a horrific experience as mine was private and made herself available by e mail and a week after the first session asked me to write down certain things and e mail them back, which I did and then she cancelled the next session due to family commitments and four weeks later I still hadn't heard from her.
I had payed a reduced rate for 6 sessions and I needed help then.I cancelled and got my money back.
I am not saying all counsellors aren't any good but I strongly believe that some grasp one's individual needs better than others. This lady was a clinical psychologist who obtained her degree or whatever it's called in London but was now living in Spain.

[unspoken]

Was it an NHS counsellor?

I signed up for counselling at uni. They got me in to see a guy and I talked for nearly an hour about everything that was bothering me and I felt quite upset at the end of it. It took them another 5 months for my allotted 6 counselling sessions to start. It wasn't very helpful but as advised above, give it another try. Counselling doesn't tend to provide any answers, the idea is that you talk things through and come up with your own answers. I find it difficult to talk to somebody who doesn't put any of their own input in.

When I was in my final year of uni the counsellor did suggest I signed up for a group. This helped me more as everyone was putting something in and I could help other people with their problems as well as talk about what was bothering me.

Something more interactive like a CBT course may be better, as Nicola suggests.

[ynos]

Thank-you nicola, I've been looking up different bits about that on-line and tested out a few the last couple of weeks which went well.
Ricardo & unspoken it really does help to know other people have experiences that made them feel not great too, it doesn't make it feel so bad when you know it wasn't all because I didn't do something or that it doesn't always work for everyone, Thanks

[Pinktel]

I agree with nicola you need cbt, can you get yourself on the waiting list through your gp or look at the online course endorsed through this website.

[rcs]

I agree with a great number of posts here about counselling i started mine 3 weeks ago for GAD and found it a bit confusing, disorganised and unstructured and do not really understand the process.
You tell this person all your problems and you come out at the end thinking the cousellor never really gave an opinion on any of what you said and the session can sort of deviate to basic smalltalk and whinging about work both from the cousellor and myself. My counsellor gets easily distracted and you can tell he is thinking about getting back to his office as he finishes sessions early and he keeps on saying remember you won't have to see me for long, i have only been twice!. Anything he has suggested seems quite a good idea but costs money which i do not have, his heart seems to be in right place and he seems overworked
I think if i was paying for this treatment i would ask for my money back but on the NHS you take what you can get and maybe i am being impatient and things will make more sense after a few more sessions.
I am trying to be positive although suffering from extreme anxiety can make this difficult and even basic tasks at the moment takes a lot of effort . My GP says the mental health team will refer me to a psychiatrist if they think it is serious enough but i am not holding my breath.
It is hard word work and i feel for other people in this position as well therapy is not for everyone as are certain medications and i think keeping an open mind helps.

[yoyolandi]

As others have suggested, I'd say at least going back and giving it one more go would be a good idea.

My first experience with a counselor was unbelievably scary (it was through my university). I couldn't stop crying, either, and I was surprised to be asked so many questions but not be getting any answers . . . mine seemed very cold and analytical as well. It was unnerving and made me feel very uncomfortable.

However, after another couple of visits she warmed up a great deal and I actually grew to quite like her and really trust her after a while. Counselors are really there, as someone previously mentioned, to listen to your problems and really encourage you to come up with your own solutions . . . although it seems really difficult at first it does work after a time, because they provide an objective perspective on what you're going through. When friends and family give you advice in a similar way, they often are basing what they say on all the things they know about you and you don't get very reliable input . . .

Give it another shot, and if you still don't like them then try to find another. But do keep an open mind, at least in the beginning

Hope it improves and best wishes xx

Y

[Anxious_gal]

therapists would get annoyed with me for not getting emotional, I can talk and be honest but I wouldn't "feel" much while I was there. I just detach when I am talking to people about stuff that upsets me My own friends rarely see me cry never mind a person I barely even know!
Just getting upset and being so vulnerable with a therapist is hard and it can be upsetting if they give you a generic response or you feel like they don't really care.

I loved CBT therapy though, it was great, I felt like I had some control, something I could work on, you'd get "homework" and then report back to therapist so it helped keep me on track. Like you said with getting tips, you get lots of tips with CBT therapy.

I find too from listening to others that therapists kind of don't believe you? Like they question you as if you need to prove why you were upset or prove that your anxiety is really that bad. I hate when it feels like they don't really believe you....

or worse when they sit there and say nothing, what an easy job lol.
I have found my friends, even talking here, on line to be waaay more insightful and helpful than seeing those therapists where you just "talk"

[CelticZebra]

My first course of counselling ( about 10 years ago) was rubbish, the counsellor was weird and I felt we didn't get to the root of any of my problems. I was allowed 10 sessions on the NHS and on session 9 the counsellor suggested I didn't bother coming for session 10 just in case I 'really needed it'!!!:ohmy:
Fast forward to 2012 and I had a course of CBT where the counsellor was younger than me, was still training with other things and although she was very nice if I hadn't put in A LOT of effort and really tried hard with my homework and the understanding of what it was all about I don't think I would have got very far with it.
I'm now on session 5 of 16 of CAT (Cognitive Analytical Therapy) and finally feel like I am getting to the root of my problems.:)
I've even had doctors in the past who asked me which medicines I thought I should be taking.... And got them prescribed!!:mad:

The problem I've found with having this illness is actually the impatience of wanting to be well again but I don't believe there is a quick fix and at the end of the day; no one but me knows myself well enough to know what I need to feel ok again.
It's taken most of my adult life to reach this conclusion and however scary it is I don't plan on treating myself in the way some other people do!

I'm really sorry your experience has not fulfilled your expectations and I would consider speaking to your GP or the people who provide the therapy to find out why you're not getting the treatment you feel you deserve.

Look after yourself the best you can and turn to those that have always been there for you (family friends etc) for the support you are not getting at the moment from the NHS/counsellor

Big hugs for you :hugs:

[AuntieMoosie]

I too agree with what's been said:)

I never, ever found seeing a counsellor at all helpful.

In my opinion you go for therapy as a means of being able to move on, with counselling I found we just talked about stuff and that was it, I stopped going cos I thought I could do this with a friend!!!

I would, however, highly recommend anyone to go to a "therapist" be it psychotherapy or CBT or any other therapy, just so long as who you're seeing is a fully qualified "therapist"

A therapist will structure a plan for you, will work with you through lots of things, will help, support and guide you as you move forward, it is a treatment plan and not just a quick chat over a cup of coffee which you can do with anyone.

ricardo is absolutely right in that you have to kind of "Jell" with your therapist, you need to be able to get along together, understand each other and be on the same wave length, once you've got that, you can really make progress.

I would advise you to go and have a chat with your GP and ask them for a referral to a CBT therapist or a psychotherapist, I'm sure you'll find that helpful and you will be able to make real progress :)

[Daisy Sue]

i've never had that kind of counselling, but i have had CBT, and i can tell you with certainty that if any of my meetings with him had been as uncaring and cold as what you've described, that would have been the last meeting...

you deserve and need far more than what you've been given, and i can't rate CBT highly enough... i agree with what others have said, try and get that if you can, even if it means waiting - it's so worth it.

good luck, and don't worry, the right help for you is out there!

[ynos]

Thank-you all so much for your input, it does help me to read how others experiences were and what may work for me. I will ask my doctor about c.b.t i think that is something that will help me from what i have read about it so far. I did also book myself on a couple of courses in a couple of months time, they may help. I think it's just a case of wanting to feel like I'm back to some sort of 'normal' living and need to learn where to start to get this back for me.
I am really grateful for everyone for sharing their story and I do think it helps me , it is helping me know it's not just me, which is kind of why I'm here really! lol
Thanks again, today is a new day :)

[Vanilla Sky]

I would give it another go and if you feel the same way next time then dont bother continuing. Sometimes people just do not gel with the counsellor. And they are just there to listen and hope you work it out for yourself ! Perhaps you need a bit more input...