Best approach for dealing with criticism?

[Emphyrio]

Hello,

Now that I've got my OCD more under control I've been looking at ways to manage some of the other co-morbid conditions I experience day to day.

I have a fear of criticism - I dislike driving because I fear being criticised by other drivers (even if I am in the right). I even dislike doing things like walking up to a zebra crossing because I am 'inconveniencing' people by making them slow down for me. I hate watching arguments as well.

Has anyone else managed to treat this condition (which seems to be linked to self-esteem and confidence). Would CBT be the best way forward?

Thanks :)

[Annie0904]

I could have written this post myself. I am having CBT and one of the things we are working on is my self confidence and self esteem.

[unspoken]

Yes I was going to say - if you find the answer please let me know! I'm reading a book about assertiveness. I'll let you know if there's anything useful in it. I was making good progress at work with things like taking criticism and not taking things too personally but then it got too much and I got to a point where criticism would lead to a panic attack which is not where I want to be.

[Annie0904]

I always take things personally :( really envy those who don't

[unspoken]

Where do you think this fear of criticism came from? This book on assertiveness links fear of criticism with being bullied as a child and bullying in the workplace. I was bullied as a child and I find it still affects the way I see myself. I was often excluded by the other kids at school and when we did group work no one would want to be in my group. This has meant I still find it difficult working with other people. I also don't have much confidence in my own work and seek reassurance a lot.

I've got better than I was because somebody at work has tried to bully me on occasion but I didn't take it personally, it angered me because she was attacking what my department does rather than me personally. I reported her behaviour to my head of department who has helped to deal with it. But recentlysshe had another go at me about something and it got to me because ive been feeling so tired and stressed and weak at work recently.

[Annie0904]

I was bullied in primary school and because I was rubbish at sports I was always the one no one wanted on their team. I was bullied by my ex husband and bullied by my boss at work. No wonder I have such a low opinion of myself. My husband now, really tries hard to build my confidence but I don't always believe the good things he says about me.

[unspoken]

I feel for you, Annie. Nobody realises how much damage it does as a young child when nobody wants you on their team. It sounds so silly and insignificant but it isn't, it is a marker of your place in the world and if you feel inadequate compared to your peers at a young age it gets ingrained and is so hard to change. I'm glad you've found a husband who treats you well and tries to build your confidence but it is so hard to change that.

Last summer at work the powers that be decided to move people around so my team moved, not very far but the way it ended up, I got nominated to sit facing a wall facing away from the rest of my team. The guy I sit next to does a different job and isn't in our office all that much. Suddenly I went from being in the middle of things and included in conversations to being on the outside sat on my own facing the wall and it brought back these memories of being at school and being rejected and left out. I was quite down about it but also too embarrassed to tell anyone at work. I got used to it eventually. I printed out some photos I've taken on days out and put them on the wall so I wasn't staring at a blank wall and I listen to music a lot. I don't miss the banal conversations people have who all sit together. It's strange how my early experiences affect me at the age of 24 in a work place.

My boss is actually really supportive and tries to build my confidence. For quite a while whenever he'd take me aside to talk to me I'd be convinced I'd done something wrong and was going to be told off. It took a few months for me to realise that he just wanted to talk about something away from the rest of the team and I wasn't in trouble. Poor guy spends so much time telling me what a great job I'm doing but I fins it so hard to believe and keep focusing on the things I haven't done right.

[Annie0904]

Unspoken I am pleased you have such a good boss who praises you for what you do. I am hoping by the time I have finished my intense psychotherapy that I will be a bit more confident in myself.

[unspoken]

On the original topic, the book I am reading doesn't seem to offer any advice for being criticised by other drivers using their horns. I also get anxious when other drivers honk me. Usually it's because they're being impatient or they are actually honking at somebody else. It's usually fair to assume that this is unjust criticism and best to try not to take it personally.

The book suggests first assessing the situation as to who is doing the criticism, whether they have a right to criticise. So whether they are trying to make a point or just being malicious. If it is malicious, like a personal comment, best to either laugh it off or use sarcasm apparently. It's important not to let them know they've got to you. If they are your boss or someone who knows you well and they make a criticism, it suggests to reply paraphrasing their point so you know there's no doubt or misunderstanding, then calmly and politely ask them for some examples of when you are doing what they criticised. Then to tell them you'll think about it and let them know or give a reason to explain it if you know why and let them know what you are going to do about it. While trying not to be passive and grovel, aggressive and fight back or passive-aggressive and seem calm but plot revenge on them. Quite complex! I try to react calmly and discuss it rationally if someone has a criticism but can sometimes be given away by my cheeks burning and my eyes tearing up.