View Full Version : distraught..,my partner says its tests or him
I have been worried about lung cancer for a month now due to rib pains. I had a clear xray and bloods but Im worried the xray missed a tumour. I want to pay for a private consultation and possibly a ct scan but my partner has said if I dont believe the doctors, who say its nothing serious, that he will leave me. We can't afford the test and would be in a lot of debt if I did it.
He gets very angry and frustrated that I cannot take reassurance from anything but the best test they can do. We have paid for tests before which in his eyes were a waste of money but to me it was worth it for the reassurance it gave.
Now I dont know what to do. How can he ask me to choose like that?
Andrea
I can understand what your partner is saying about the tests. I don't see any reason why you would need further tests as you have had enough tests to show if anything was wrong anyway so yes it would be a waste of money and would it really reassure you? If these tests are not enough to reassure you I don't know that more would. It is a bit harsh of him to say he will leave you but I do understand his frustrations. You really do need to try to trust the doctor. the tests you have had would have shown if it was lung cancer. I have pains round my ribs but I know it is just anxiety causing it and all my doctor has done is listen to my chest. that was enough to reassure me. Believe me you would have a lot more symptoms by now if it was lung cancer. :hugs::hugs: x
TotallyBonkers
31-01-13, 16:44
Andrea, so sorry that you are in this situation. I suffer really bad HA myself, but when it comes to others I can rationalise things really well, just not with myself. Looking at it from an outside point of view (and also from your partners point of view) I think what he means is that if you have had some tests that came back fine, with no sign of problems and were advised this from a doctor, but still want to pursue further tests to be sure, then say they come back fine too, will you be able to accept that? Or will you still feel that something is being missed? I am not being horrible to you at all, so please do not take that the wrong way, I do the same as you and my husband goes nuts, but like I say when its not me and someone else I can see it from both angles.
The other thing is that HA is such a personal thing, that unless someone actually lives with it, they can be sympathetic to it, but not fully understand the underlying feelings of complete despair and dread that we HA sufferers get.
If it is putting you in financial hardship with these tests then I can understand how he would be concerned, lung cancer is a very scary thing, but it sounds as if you have had the tests that are needed to rule it out.
Can you perhaps go back to your doctor and talk to them for some reassurance? Can I ask if you are on medication for your anxiety or having any CBT?
I am sorry I am not able to help much more than that, other than to say I understand how you feel, and can see your partners point of view too, sometimes it would be so good if we could let someone else into our own head at times just so that they can see how it really feels. (((hugs)))
Honestly lung cancer would show up on a chest xray, your lungs would have shadows on them that wouldn't be missed on an xray.
I've had rib pain for months and have been told by my Dr it's all muscular. Hurts if I turn a certain way, breathe in deep, sneeze etc
Lung cancer main symptom is a hacking chesty cough usually with blood in it going on for months that doesn't respond to antibiotics
countrygirl
31-01-13, 16:54
Andrea you would be exposing yourself to a much bigger risk of lung cancer by having a CT scan than the actual risk you have now which is you don't have lung cancer!!
Ct scans use large doses of radiation, one chest Ct is equivalent to about 1000 chest xrays so do you want to expose yourself to that amount of radiation when you do not have lung cancer.
I totally understand what you are saying as does everyone on here because we all feel the same as you but from my many years of experience!! with HA I have had alot of x rays but thankfully this was before ct scans were available and I know that I should not have any more radiation.
I am not trying to be harsh just trying to make you see sense because believe me if you go ahead with CT scan then you are putting yourself at risk whereas at moment you do not have lung cancer.
Oh Andrea hon I'm sorry about this.
I'm sorry to say that I do understand where your partner is coming from. From an outside point of view, we folks with HA can look very selfish to those around when we are in the middle of an episode - talking non-stop about our worries, refusing to listen and wanting to spend money to reassure ourselves. Normal people can't understand the depths of terror we go to in our minds over things they see as crazy.
I do agree with your partner that private tests are a waste hon. You've had tests - they say you do not have lung cancer. As I said in PM, it's impossible that the blood test wouldn't have picked up a problem with your white blood cells if you had a tumor anywhere in your body and the X-rays are very good at detecting warning signs (shadows, pleurisy etc) on the lungs even in the rare event that they don't pinpoint the exact tumor. If you aren't reassured by them then further expensive tests wont help. And from his point of view, how long would it be before there was another issue that you wont trust the doctor over and want more expensive tests for?
That said, you are taking steps to get better. I'd tell your partner that you are trying to get better, that you are waiting for your CBT and that you hope to feel better and be able to cope once that starts to kick in - it's not as if you are ignoring the fact you have a problem and refusing to help yourself. Ask him to bare with you through this bit while you get the help you need. He'll need to be understanding and know that you wont change this over night but that it's a long haul thing and if he sticks around he'll get to be with a much happier you. Surely that's worth him holding on a bit longer for?
But try to let go of the idea that extra tests will help hon. You don't need them.
almamatters
31-01-13, 17:14
Sorry but I can see both points of view here. I totally see where you are coming from Andrea and I know that to you actual tests are all that are going to convince you that you are fine.
I do not believe that an x ray will have missed a tumour and I think I mentioned before that the two people I know who had diagnoses of lung cancer were both diagnosed by x ray, the tumours were seen as clear as day.
Your partner sounds similar to my husband who thinks that if a GP says that you are fine, then you are fine, and becomes irritated by my constant need for reassurance . It must be pretty annoying for our partners etc, when we do not believe the medical professionals.
I hope you manage to sort things out Andrea, I know it is easy for me to say but I am sure that you would have started to go rapidly downhill by now if it was lung cancer, and I hope you can eventually be reassured by your GP . :hugs: :hugs:
Thanks for your replies all.
I have started cbt but going to drs with my Dad tomorrow to try and get psychiatric referral. You all seem so sure the tests would have shown something. I know a ct scan is dangerous but thats all that will totally reassure me unless the pain goes away. Do you all really believe I should accept what the drs say about tests?
Thanks again
Andrea x
Ps. I also now have knee pain, another if rather obscure lung cancer symptom! Wont tell my partner.
Andrea, I really DO believe you should accept what the doctors are saying xx
Thanks for your replies all.
IDo you all really believe I should accept what the drs say about tests?
Please excuse me but........
YES YES AND FREAKING HELL YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!
And not just the doctors but what two separate medical tests have told you. The flippin blood test has told you that you don't even have so much as inflammation (since it came back all clear) never mind a lung cancer tumour.
Please Andrea, this isn't a conspiracy to trick you. We're all on your side, we've all been there. But you do not have lung cancer and if you have a CT scan I guara-damn-tee you that you'll get chest pain next year and remember having that CT scan and start screaming "Oh no, I had a CT scan, that means my chances of lung cancer are even higher now!!"
One of the things you will be guided through in CBT is to wean yourself off reassurance and learn to reassure yourself. Maybe this is a good place to start.
Made me smile for probably the first time today!
Im sorry Im so frustrating. Thank you xx :)
Well Done Katesa!! I am so pleased Andrea is smiling :) Honestly Andrea we would not lie to you, you need to accept this. I am sure the CBT will help you a lot :hugs: xx
Honestly, my heart lifts when I get a response on here, just to know we're all in a similar position. People are so caring.
My partner came home (I wasn't sure he would) and we had a long talk. He said he CANT leave me even if I insisted on tests. But I've taken on board all you've said about scan etc.
Thank you
X
I'm so pleased you have had a chat with your partner and are feeling more reassured now. :hugs: x
Back to docs today. Still say its nothing to worry about. Xray was crystal clear. Bloods dont really give much of an indication unless something is way off.
They can't refer me to psych themselves, have to go through Wellbeing with CBT like Im doing then they will bring in psych if they think its necessary.
Feel happier than I did. All the docs can't be wrong!
Waiting for call from private psychologist to see him asap just to talk to someone as Wellbeing only phone after 2 weeks.
A x
I am pleased you are feeling happier Andrea and you are right all the docs can't be wrong and neither can we :D :hugs: x
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