Oh God, the 'S' word crossed my mind?!

[Orange Lightning]

Apologies that this is a strangely structured post, typing with a phone so I can post this discretely. I am utterly depressed with my life. Here's a list of my ongoing shortcomings:

- Homosexual but only accepted by my sister and a friend.
- Only 4 friends, 3 of which are away in uni.
- Never been in a relationship with another guy.
- Physically weak and mentally dumb. I can't do any task without help. Talentless too.
- Still verbally bullied by children in secondary schools (5+ years younger than me, I'm.21) for my nerdy appearance and voice.
- Suffering health anxiety from an undiagnosed throat/gut condition and insomnia, with no sympathy from anyone, not even my best friend.
- Terrible hobbies; video games and singing, neither of which I'm good at.
- Unemployed for over 3 years; applied for over 50 jobs already but nobody even considers me.
- Constantly worried that I'm not a good person or that I take more than I can ever give. Always guilty about something.
- And worst of all, my family in general...

I feel horrid for saying it but I'm not accepted in this family. I'm a gay, jobless bum with dububious hobbies and social awkwardness and my family is quick to let me know it DAILY. I've become a perfectionist for fear of being yelled at for the most trivial of mistakes. I lack freedom; my mum especially monitors my use of this website even! I can't escape though; I have no job, money or place to go.

So when I ran fron the house the other day, I went walking to my local gym and pool 45 minutes away to clear my head. I 'found' a dangerous thought - md telling myself to go jump in front of a car or to drown myself in the nearby park's lake. I'm scared to death of... death, but I'm also petrified I will take my own life if life continues this way. What can I do? I'm a lonely, hopeless soul - my reward in life for trying to be a good hearted man I gyess - and while I hate to ask advice here for nothing, I can only say I'll be eternally grateful if anyone can pick me up from rock bottom...

[suz70]

Hi orange lightening,

Have you thought about maybe getting in touch with your local LGBT youth group? I'm sure they would offer some support and you may find new friendships?

I'm not sure how old you are but I'm guessing you're only young? You are very articulate and write very well which is an advantage when applying for jobs. Jobs are hard to find at the moment for many people. Have you ever volunteered for anything, sometimes that can open doors and also gives you some experience of the type of work you're interested in.

Maybe some CBT would benefit you.

You won't always feel like this, it does get better.

[Orange Lightning]

Hi orange lightening,

Have you thought about maybe getting in touch with your local LGBT youth group? I'm sure they would offer some support and you may find new friendships?

I'm not sure how old you are but I'm guessing you're only young? You are very articulate and write very well which is an advantage when applying for jobs. Jobs are hard to find at the moment for many people. Have you ever volunteered for anything, sometimes that can open doors and also gives you some experience of the type of work you're interested in.

Maybe some CBT would benefit you.

You won't always feel like this, it does get better.

Thank you for the compliment and quick reply! Oh yes, I've volunteered with my local zoo for 5 years and had 3 other shorter voluntary placements before that with a 5th in the pipeline. I'd go to an LGBT group but there's only 1 at the uni I used to attend, and since my parents know my every move I can't slip over to their events unnoticed. They currently think one of my gay friends - already has a partner! - is 'influencing' me and I don't wish any trouble on him.

[suz70]

Are you able to go out with your sister? Or maybe to visit your friends at whichever university they're at? How much independence do you have.

Focus on what you're good at and what you enjoy doing, you're obviously an intelligent young man. Are there any courses you'd like to do, what did you study at uni?

And not having a partner yet is a good thing, men are hard work lol! Someone will come along when you least expect it.

[Alicat]

How old are you? I think you should be allowed to go to a LGBT meeting if that's what you want to do.

[Orange Lightning]

Are you able to go out with your sister? Or maybe to visit your friends at whichever university they're at? How much independence do you have.

Focus on what you're good at and what you enjoy doing, you're obviously an intelligent young man. Are there any courses you'd like to do, what did you study at uni?

And not having a partner yet is a good thing, men are hard work lol! Someone will come along when you least expect it.


Sadly my sis is miles away from home and has her own hands full at the moment. I did Animal Behaviour, and only last year I travelled to Zambia to work with lions, which was the time of my life. Good thing I've had it already, all things considered ;p

To answer other questions, I'm 21 and although I lived a little ways away as a student for 2 years, I have very little independence and privacy; it took all I had just to post this message and I have others I need to reply to - and feel guilty for not sooner! - but just can't tonight.

[unspoken]

Hi Orange Lightning. Sorry to hear you're feeling so down. Being unemployed is really tough and being rejected by potential employers makes your confidence even lower. Are you on job seekers allowance? Getting any support from the job centre? Getting into working with animals isn't easy but I can understand why you want to do it. I'd much prefer working with animals to working with people.

Do you see your GP about the health problems? Have you been referred to a specialist at all?

It must be really stressful with your parents not accepting that you are gay. I would guess that's how they were brought up to think but so many things have changed in the world that they should be past such outdated views. I don't have experience of that but I do know what it's like to have your parents constantly having a go at you and asking what you're doing. They may even think they're helping you in their own minds. Are the any local charities that can offer you some counseling or other support? I had some support from a local charity for young people which helped. I also lied to my parents when it was necessary about where I was going. You are an adult. You may be stuck living under their roof but they don't own you. If you do lie, keep it simple and vague.

Things will get better. You won't be stuck with your parents forever. Life changes all the time in unexpected ways and there are always options. Look after yourself and keep going back to your GP for help. If your GP isn't helpful, go and see another one. Feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to.

[Tessar]

Hi Orange Lightning - First & foremost, I congratulate you for being so brave & coming out...... This is no mean feat for anyone but as you are young this is much more difficult to accomplish, yet you have managed it. That’s that is a huge indication of your strength. You took the plunge & I know from personal experience it’s a scary & risky thing to do. When I came out, I was much older than you, in fact I was many years your senior when I finally was brave enough to admit to myself even that I was gay. It was pretty darn scary coming out & I had a few years on your by that point! But acknowledging this fact to myself & pursuing a relationship with someone has been the best decision of my life. So I am very glad you are already making huge progress in this way.

When it comes to how you view yourself generally, there really is nothing to gain from negative labels. This will simply reinforce the down side to life which as I'm sure you know, isnt going to help lift your darkness. You describe your list as being "shortcomings". Well, let's take a look at them. Let's start with the very first line - this does not strike me as negative or a shortcoming at all. As a homosexual you have been accepted by your sister & a friend. That is brilliant.

Perhaps when you are feeling low, think about these two amazing people who have shown you approval. It is wonderful for people to accept something that is so important to you. It pleases me no end to know you have two people that you are able to talk to openly. Also, as I mentioned above, you have already accomplished something very difficult in accepting your sexuality & coming out. There was no way I could have achieved that by 21! You show great strength in doing this.

Furthermore, you really dont EVER need to apologise for how you posts are worded here. I would much rather that people let their thoughts flow & write as naturally as possible. Writing posts isnt about completing an exercise in writing, though actually suz is right, you do write well (which incidentally demonstrates you are not mentally dumb, so that’s another item ticked off your list). I recommend letting your thoughts out as they come to you. That's how I try to do it especially when I'm writing about myself. Sometimes I find the words flow better when I'm typing like this than they do if I'm talking to people face to face. I enjoy writing responses to people like yourself. Reading your post was interesting & thought provoking for me so you are helping me reaffirm things about myself. You are giving me an opportunity to feel good about myself, so thank you.

It terms of repeating negative statements about yourself, this is not going to be helpful & its best to focus away from negatives any time you can. This is a big ask I know but worth it if you can find ways of distracting yourself with something more positive when down. Try to recognise the negative thoughts early & then have something to hand that will fill your mind with happier thoughts.

It would certainly be worth speaking with people who have experience in these matters. I completed CBT & have found it extremely helpful. Or as Unspoken suggests, are the any local charities that can offer you some counselling or other support? For me, CBT & counselling have and still are proving very beneficial. I have become more confident & would strongly suggest it is a path you could follow. Incidentally, you accepted that compliment from suz in such a sincere way... & this was a lovely thing to do, so - well done because I struggle sometimes to take compliments. You do have talents, honestly you do.

You mention bullying in your post, I feel the negative words you use about yourself are not original thoughts of yours. They have been planted by unkind & selfish bullies. Age is immaterial when it comes to bullying. Bullies are cruel & ignorant people who have no right to behave like this towards you. Sadly they are too insensitive to realise the harm they are causing you. It is beyond me to understand what anyone gets out of bullying others. I have been subjected to a lot of bullying in my life, Orange Lightning, I relate to how it feels. CBT helped me grow strong enough to end bullying in my life, which is another reason I suggest it.

You say you are constantly worried you aren't a good person or that you take more than you give but from what I’ve read already I don’t believe this to be true. In fact, relate strongly to so many things you mention - feeling guilty included. Your family are playing a very big part in what’s going on here. They too, in their ignorance are compounding matters no end. Again I speak from personal experience in this. I spent a long time trying to please my parents & be a dutiful daughter but it was never enough. I wish I’d realised that at your age.

When I finally came out to my parents, their reaction didn’t surprise me. I wasn’t totally rejected but it’s clear they still aren’t comfortable with my sexuality or my relationship. I’ve been with my partner over 17 years now but somehow I feel my parents never accepted her. But I remind myself that where they are concerned, I don’t need them to be accepting of me. That would be good obviously but I know I am a good person. I know my relationship is sound. I do wish I’d been strong enough to come out many years before so I’m glad you have done this. Now you can live your life the way you want to.

Unspoken’s right about your parents not owning you & right about you being an adult & you won't be stuck with your parents forever. Please dont feel horrid for saying stuff about your family. I’m relieved you are able to post these things here & make sure that you keep posting too. I’m gonna be looking out for your posts. There is no way that you are a “bum”…right!! You are not dubious at all. It’s your family who are awkward in this. They are wrong to keep reminding you of negative stuff. I hate the idea that you fear being yelled a too. There is just no need for them to be like that and I know it hurts. The lack freedom must be really oppressive for you. Your mum is obsessive! I cant believe she monitors you on here. Were she to read my post, then I’d suggest freedom to explore life and flourish is what you need, not oppression. She has no right to be like that! Can you tell it’s angered me!!!! Grrrrr. But I do feel, despite your current difficulties, things will improve for you. There were times I didn’t think I’d ever find a partner, that no-one could possibly want me and since I was now in a minority, the chances of finding someone were slim. But then out of the blue, I noticed this amazing person who had been in my life a couple of years already. The rest as they say is history.

My parents were really nosy about my life too. I used to go off & just want to feel free, not to feel guilty about things I did. Guilt is a strong emotion and something you could deal with in counselling or doing CBT. Your feelings about harming yourself are a clear reflection of how depressed this is making you feel. Again, finding someone to share your feelings with, such as a counsellor would benefit you hugely. Meanwhile make sure you keep posting here.

Regarding your unemployment, it is a difficult time for anyone looking for work right now & has been for some time. At least you've been applying for jobs. I'd be interested to see your reply regarding the JSA & help from the job centre (particularly as i used to work in recruitment).

I’m sorry your sis is miles away but she is your friend and a good one by the sounds of it. Always remember that. Well done on going to Zambia to work with lions as well. I’d never be that adventurous, no way. You have accomplished in your 21 years, really you have.

Well, Orange Lightning, if you are still awake form reading my monumentally looooooooong post, I wish you well my friend and I look forward to hearing more. xXx

[Orange Lightning]

Hi Orange Lightning - First & foremost, I congratulate you for being so brave & coming out...... This is no mean feat for anyone but as you are young this is much more difficult to accomplish, yet you have managed it. That’s that is a huge indication of your strength. You took the plunge & I know from personal experience it’s a scary & risky thing to do. When I came out, I was much older than you, in fact I was many years your senior when I finally was brave enough to admit to myself even that I was gay. It was pretty darn scary coming out & I had a few years on your by that point! But acknowledging this fact to myself & pursuing a relationship with someone has been the best decision of my life. So I am very glad you are already making huge progress in this way.

When it comes to how you view yourself generally, there really is nothing to gain from negative labels. This will simply reinforce the down side to life which as I'm sure you know, isnt going to help lift your darkness. You describe your list as being "shortcomings". Well, let's take a look at them. Let's start with the very first line - this does not strike me as negative or a shortcoming at all. As a homosexual you have been accepted by your sister & a friend. That is brilliant.

Perhaps when you are feeling low, think about these two amazing people who have shown you approval. It is wonderful for people to accept something that is so important to you. It pleases me no end to know you have two people that you are able to talk to openly. Also, as I mentioned above, you have already accomplished something very difficult in accepting your sexuality & coming out. There was no way I could have achieved that by 21! You show great strength in doing this.

Furthermore, you really dont EVER need to apologise for how you posts are worded here. I would much rather that people let their thoughts flow & write as naturally as possible. Writing posts isnt about completing an exercise in writing, though actually suz is right, you do write well (which incidentally demonstrates you are not mentally dumb, so that’s another item ticked off your list). I recommend letting your thoughts out as they come to you. That's how I try to do it especially when I'm writing about myself. Sometimes I find the words flow better when I'm typing like this than they do if I'm talking to people face to face. I enjoy writing responses to people like yourself. Reading your post was interesting & thought provoking for me so you are helping me reaffirm things about myself. You are giving me an opportunity to feel good about myself, so thank you.

It terms of repeating negative statements about yourself, this is not going to be helpful & its best to focus away from negatives any time you can. This is a big ask I know but worth it if you can find ways of distracting yourself with something more positive when down. Try to recognise the negative thoughts early & then have something to hand that will fill your mind with happier thoughts.

It would certainly be worth speaking with people who have experience in these matters. I completed CBT & have found it extremely helpful. Or as Unspoken suggests, are the any local charities that can offer you some counselling or other support? For me, CBT & counselling have and still are proving very beneficial. I have become more confident & would strongly suggest it is a path you could follow. Incidentally, you accepted that compliment from suz in such a sincere way... & this was a lovely thing to do, so - well done because I struggle sometimes to take compliments. You do have talents, honestly you do.

You mention bullying in your post, I feel the negative words you use about yourself are not original thoughts of yours. They have been planted by unkind & selfish bullies. Age is immaterial when it comes to bullying. Bullies are cruel & ignorant people who have no right to behave like this towards you. Sadly they are too insensitive to realise the harm they are causing you. It is beyond me to understand what anyone gets out of bullying others. I have been subjected to a lot of bullying in my life, Orange Lightning, I relate to how it feels. CBT helped me grow strong enough to end bullying in my life, which is another reason I suggest it.

You say you are constantly worried you aren't a good person or that you take more than you give but from what I’ve read already I don’t believe this to be true. In fact, relate strongly to so many things you mention - feeling guilty included. Your family are playing a very big part in what’s going on here. They too, in their ignorance are compounding matters no end. Again I speak from personal experience in this. I spent a long time trying to please my parents & be a dutiful daughter but it was never enough. I wish I’d realised that at your age.

When I finally came out to my parents, their reaction didn’t surprise me. I wasn’t totally rejected but it’s clear they still aren’t comfortable with my sexuality or my relationship. I’ve been with my partner over 17 years now but somehow I feel my parents never accepted her. But I remind myself that where they are concerned, I don’t need them to be accepting of me. That would be good obviously but I know I am a good person. I know my relationship is sound. I do wish I’d been strong enough to come out many years before so I’m glad you have done this. Now you can live your life the way you want to.

Unspoken’s right about your parents not owning you & right about you being an adult & you won't be stuck with your parents forever. Please dont feel horrid for saying stuff about your family. I’m relieved you are able to post these things here & make sure that you keep posting too. I’m gonna be looking out for your posts. There is no way that you are a “bum”…right!! You are not dubious at all. It’s your family who are awkward in this. They are wrong to keep reminding you of negative stuff. I hate the idea that you fear being yelled a too. There is just no need for them to be like that and I know it hurts. The lack freedom must be really oppressive for you. Your mum is obsessive! I cant believe she monitors you on here. Were she to read my post, then I’d suggest freedom to explore life and flourish is what you need, not oppression. She has no right to be like that! Can you tell it’s angered me!!!! Grrrrr. But I do feel, despite your current difficulties, things will improve for you. There were times I didn’t think I’d ever find a partner, that no-one could possibly want me and since I was now in a minority, the chances of finding someone were slim. But then out of the blue, I noticed this amazing person who had been in my life a couple of years already. The rest as they say is history.

My parents were really nosy about my life too. I used to go off & just want to feel free, not to feel guilty about things I did. Guilt is a strong emotion and something you could deal with in counselling or doing CBT. Your feelings about harming yourself are a clear reflection of how depressed this is making you feel. Again, finding someone to share your feelings with, such as a counsellor would benefit you hugely. Meanwhile make sure you keep posting here.

Regarding your unemployment, it is a difficult time for anyone looking for work right now & has been for some time. At least you've been applying for jobs. I'd be interested to see your reply regarding the JSA & help from the job centre (particularly as i used to work in recruitment).

I’m sorry your sis is miles away but she is your friend and a good one by the sounds of it. Always remember that. Well done on going to Zambia to work with lions as well. I’d never be that adventurous, no way. You have accomplished in your 21 years, really you have.

Well, Orange Lightning, if you are still awake form reading my monumentally looooooooong post, I wish you well my friend and I look forward to hearing more. xXx

Heh heh, yep I made it! Truly inspirational reading mind, I only wish I could type as long a message to express my gratitude. Thank you very much!

[Tessar]

Heh heh, yep I made it! Truly inspirational reading mind, I only wish I could type as long a message to express my gratitude. Thank you very much!

why thank you for your gratitude it's very welcome and so are you.
i know i type loooooong posts, i trained as a touch typist so my speed is high..... just as well as i end up with soooooooooooooo much to say..... but you are very, very welcome my friend