xdavex
02-02-13, 00:58
I'm feeling very bad right now, I've always suffered with social anxiety , low self esteem, achieveing most things in my life either just adequet or 2nd best, hence my current complicated situation but 'I've made my bed, so I must now lye on it' .
Lately things have become unbearable for me, its hard for me to talk about, as there are moral dilema's involved that I feel I cannot turn my back on.
I currently have a raging toothache , 2 hours sleep last night, I cannot see a dentist as my bout of conjunctivitus is still clearing up.
As for my family (parents), I've not spoken to my parents for 6yrs now, my mother thinks I'm 'evil' when really they've never shown confidence in my ability's as an adult & they gave me an extremely sheltered upbringing, I resent them for this as they wont admit & just give excuses, I have one brother who I've recently built more of a close relationship with.
I'm married & have 2 boys, 17 & 8 years, the 17yr old has left home after giving us serious problems giving me no other alternative but to out him after repeated un-acceptable issues in 2011, , 8yr old son has autism & has habit of shaking head from side-to-side at any source of light, this sometimes results in him self harming (possible epilepsy link)
My wife is lazy , yes lazy & she always has been, i've tried but failed to motivate & change her, she's never worked & is shy of housework, the current situation is complcated cus of our youngest son, I currently have no income to my own name.
I was made redundent in jan 2010 from my part time job as a delivery driver (a job which I really enjoyed as no-one to 'bother' me), with great hours to suit as my 8yr old is a real handfull, now more-so as he's got older.
I'm now classed as neither 'employed' OR unemployed as my youngest is a real handfull even when my wife does pull her weight.
Its now seems I'm 'behind in my NI contributions' so I'll not get a pension, but TBH I dont think I'll reach 65 & the way I'm feeling lately I've lost the motivation to carry on with my life.
Friends? I have no real friends, I've average intellence slightly OCD, a perfectionist but I'm a failure when it comes to keeping friends, I can think of several intstances of sometimes humilliateing rejection.
I fear for the future, I want out , I cannot take much more of this , I deserve much better as I'm a good honest person, at 46 i feel my life is wasted & I cannot do anything to change this.
Lately things have become unbearable for me, its hard for me to talk about, as there are moral dilema's involved that I feel I cannot turn my back on.
I currently have a raging toothache , 2 hours sleep last night, I cannot see a dentist as my bout of conjunctivitus is still clearing up.
As for my family (parents), I've not spoken to my parents for 6yrs now, my mother thinks I'm 'evil' when really they've never shown confidence in my ability's as an adult & they gave me an extremely sheltered upbringing, I resent them for this as they wont admit & just give excuses, I have one brother who I've recently built more of a close relationship with.
I'm married & have 2 boys, 17 & 8 years, the 17yr old has left home after giving us serious problems giving me no other alternative but to out him after repeated un-acceptable issues in 2011, , 8yr old son has autism & has habit of shaking head from side-to-side at any source of light, this sometimes results in him self harming (possible epilepsy link)
My wife is lazy , yes lazy & she always has been, i've tried but failed to motivate & change her, she's never worked & is shy of housework, the current situation is complcated cus of our youngest son, I currently have no income to my own name.
I was made redundent in jan 2010 from my part time job as a delivery driver (a job which I really enjoyed as no-one to 'bother' me), with great hours to suit as my 8yr old is a real handfull, now more-so as he's got older.
I'm now classed as neither 'employed' OR unemployed as my youngest is a real handfull even when my wife does pull her weight.
Its now seems I'm 'behind in my NI contributions' so I'll not get a pension, but TBH I dont think I'll reach 65 & the way I'm feeling lately I've lost the motivation to carry on with my life.
Friends? I have no real friends, I've average intellence slightly OCD, a perfectionist but I'm a failure when it comes to keeping friends, I can think of several intstances of sometimes humilliateing rejection.
I fear for the future, I want out , I cannot take much more of this , I deserve much better as I'm a good honest person, at 46 i feel my life is wasted & I cannot do anything to change this.