Wasted life

[xdavex]

I'm feeling very bad right now, I've always suffered with social anxiety , low self esteem, achieveing most things in my life either just adequet or 2nd best, hence my current complicated situation but 'I've made my bed, so I must now lye on it' .
Lately things have become unbearable for me, its hard for me to talk about, as there are moral dilema's involved that I feel I cannot turn my back on.
I currently have a raging toothache , 2 hours sleep last night, I cannot see a dentist as my bout of conjunctivitus is still clearing up.

As for my family (parents), I've not spoken to my parents for 6yrs now, my mother thinks I'm 'evil' when really they've never shown confidence in my ability's as an adult & they gave me an extremely sheltered upbringing, I resent them for this as they wont admit & just give excuses, I have one brother who I've recently built more of a close relationship with.

I'm married & have 2 boys, 17 & 8 years, the 17yr old has left home after giving us serious problems giving me no other alternative but to out him after repeated un-acceptable issues in 2011, , 8yr old son has autism & has habit of shaking head from side-to-side at any source of light, this sometimes results in him self harming (possible epilepsy link)
My wife is lazy , yes lazy & she always has been, i've tried but failed to motivate & change her, she's never worked & is shy of housework, the current situation is complcated cus of our youngest son, I currently have no income to my own name.
I was made redundent in jan 2010 from my part time job as a delivery driver (a job which I really enjoyed as no-one to 'bother' me), with great hours to suit as my 8yr old is a real handfull, now more-so as he's got older.
I'm now classed as neither 'employed' OR unemployed as my youngest is a real handfull even when my wife does pull her weight.
Its now seems I'm 'behind in my NI contributions' so I'll not get a pension, but TBH I dont think I'll reach 65 & the way I'm feeling lately I've lost the motivation to carry on with my life.

Friends? I have no real friends, I've average intellence slightly OCD, a perfectionist but I'm a failure when it comes to keeping friends, I can think of several intstances of sometimes humilliateing rejection.
I fear for the future, I want out , I cannot take much more of this , I deserve much better as I'm a good honest person, at 46 i feel my life is wasted & I cannot do anything to change this.

[TotallyBonkers]

Dave I want so desperatly to reply back to you regarding this, but my little one just woke up so need to settle them back down, didnt want to read your post and run, but will do a proper reply as soon as I get a chance.

[Wolfie]

Dave,

I not sure of how to advise you about the things going on in your life.

But I just wanted to say, that a life is never wasted. You will have had a difference in other peoples lives, which you may or may not know of.

I understand that you are having alot of issues regarding the past and present, as well as worried for the future. Have you considered talking about the past and present with a therapist, just to get it off your chest? To talk things through and eventually work through these issues and finally come to a point where you can look back, but not be trapped - you can and will be in a position where you can look back and continue forward.

You will not always feel the way you do, no matter how bad things get, things will get better - hard to believe and hope for, I know, but you can do it.

If you are feeling down to the point where you want out, please talk to someone - call the Samaritans, Breathing Space, someone you trust, anyone. Doing something to get out is not the answer. And it should never be. You are stronger than you realise - it's just a case of taking the time to find that inner strength. You are more than capable of doing so. If we all stayed in our comfort zones, we would never know what we could achieve.

[TotallyBonkers]

Hi Dave, sorry it took me till now to send a reply to you.

I can empathise with you a lot, especially with your family. My mum has passed away, my Gran also passed away recently, but the rest of the family I do not see. I have always been seen as a "bad egg" by them, it used to really hurt as I honestly do not know what I have done to deserve it, but over time I have come to accept that it is because I do not fit "their mould".

I too have children with special needs, and I can totally relate to how much hard work goes into looking after them. It is so stressful, it feels like at times you are banging your head against a brick wall, and can leave you feeling why me??

It doesnt make us any less caring or selfish, it means that we are human, we love our children unconditionally, but we are not super human, we all have our limits and there is nothing wrong with admitting to it.

I sometimes feel that I am just Mum and in a way lost my identitiy and the Health Anxiety certainly adds to it.

Life is hard, but at the same time it is also beautiful and wonderful, though it can be cruel at times I honestly feel we need to go through the bad to fully embrace the good. Each and everything is a stepping stone leading us on, sometimes it feels as though are path is all mapped out before us, and we have no choice but to follow it, but there are lots of places along this path that branch off, we do not have to just accept what we have, we have the power within us to make changes to make life better.

I know it may not feel like it now, but I can promise you in time you will start to feel better, and when you do thats when you realise how much more potential is out there for you to reach to.

Never feel like life is not worth living, you are worth it, you have people who love and need you.

If you need to chat at all I am here, but wanted to say that there is always hope, and always a light ahead, even if you just cant see it yet.

[xdavex]

I understand that you are having alot of issues regarding the past and present, as well as worried for the future. Have you considered talking about the past and present with a therapist, just to get it off your chest? To talk things through and eventually work through these issues and finally come to a point where you can look back, but not be trapped - you can and will be in a position where you can look back and continue forward.

You will not always feel the way you do, no matter how bad things get, things will get better - hard to believe and hope for, I know, but you can do it.

If you are feeling down to the point where you want out, please talk to someone - call the Samaritans, Breathing Space, someone you trust, anyone. Doing something to get out is not the answer. And it should never be. You are stronger than you realise - it's just a case of taking the time to find that inner strength. You are more than capable of doing so. If we all stayed in our comfort zones, we would never know what we could achieve.

Thanks, i appreciate your reply & will try & think more positively about the situation i'm in & will phone Samaritons if things worsen to completely unbearable.
You mention someone who I feel I can trust', well its unfortunate my default nature is very untrusting of many people & I'm not a good communicator , even so, truth is I think maybe some situations cannot be helped, most of us would turn back time if it were possible for a better result, hindsight is a wonderful thing to learn by, but you're spot on with your reply, thanks, I must not let my current state of mind take over.