Why can't I stop winding myself up?

[Button1]

Hi guys! It's been a few days since I've been on here as my sertraline has finally kicked in and dare I say it, I've had a HAPPY time focusing on my son and actually getting on with life.

So sitting here this evening I find myself going back onto bowel cancer sites (that's the centre of my HA). I didn't make a conscious decision to do it, I just found myself reading stories of people whose cancer has been discovered too late and some of them are young. Now I'm in a state again...


Why am I doing this?? How can I stop? It's like I need to hurt myself, like I can't let my HA go...

[andrea15]

I did this in 2011. I was on the Beating Bowel Cancer site talking to people already battling the disease. I was so convinced I had it. Ended up paying for a virtual colonoscopy which they followed up with a sigmoidoscopy ( awful experience) and they found nothing. Looking on the sites just made me more sure Id be one of those people talking about their story.

Stay off them, you know what it does to people like us.

Sleep well

Andrea xx

[Button1]

I'm so angry with myself- this one thing has set me back so much and now my mind is racing. There were stories from a 34 year old woman with 2 young children (I'm 31 with a little boy) who has months to live and a 32 year old man with stage 4 cancer. I'm terrified all over again- I'm sure they didn't think they had cancer either. What if by suppressing my HA, taking sertraline and trying not to go to the doctors I'm missing something?

[Em.ma]

Keep reminding your self that your doctor does not think you have bowel cancer.
Try your best not to read these type of stories aswell.
I'm so sorry your feeling bad again but you have so much to live for and you don't want to regret all this when your son is older and you spent so much time anxious when he was a baby?
:) Emma x

[Button1]

You're right Emma, I know. I hate this but I don't feel like I've got it at all under control. I've been googling and symptom spotting and imagining all sorts of stuff. Ugh...I hate this. I hate this life.

[Anxious_gal]

it's a habit? Maybe you are just so used to being anxious and thinking anxious thoughts it is hard for you to let go.

had anything else happened, anything you were worried about in real life? I do think maybe focusing on scary health things can be a way of distracting your self from real life problems.

[Button1]

No nothing bad has happened- in fact, just the opposite! Everything is amazing I just can't enjoy it : ( what's more I can't trust anyone or anything now when it comes to health. The doctors won't test me because of my HA, I can't trust myself because of my HA and now I just don't know what's real and what's not.

[katielou80]

please you have to stop reading all these cancer websites, your ruining your life. HA is a mental illness and you can get help. i have HA and i know its totally awful. when i speak to my work collegues and say.....omg that can be a sign of.... they all laugh and say..how the hell do you know stuff like that!! you must stop. think if you get to the age of 97...my grandad is 97, only been in hospital once in his whole life, for gallstones!! you will look back and realise how many years you have wasted being like you are, your not enjoying life, your just surviving. im currently on 5ml of escitalipram and its helping. i have a fantastic dr, that has even told me himself that i am his worst HA patient!! ha!! just remember your young, live your life. im the same age as you too, with kids, you wont get this time back, EVER. xxxxxx