i dont deserve to be loved

[R.Barratt]

hello everyone

i havent posted in a while just because i have been pushing myself to do well in college, support friends, see my dad. so i havent had any time for myself or to stop pretending im happy and have a good rant.

On monday i overdosed. It all just got to be too much for me to deal with. Having at least 3 panick attacks a day, depression, horrible thoughts and generally hating myself and not trusting anyone.

im fine though now and trying to stay up to date with college work as it is all that keeps me going. But im still struggling and not sure who to turn too. Honestly as pathetic as it sounds i want my mum. i want to cry and for her to hold me tight and tell me everythings going to be ok and she loves me.
I text her on monday night telling her what had happened and letting her know i was fine.
I thought she should know as i am her child and she should care and deserves to know. i suppose in the back of my mind i desperately wanted her to turn up at my house instead she called me on tuesday calling my every name under the sune and i havent heard from her since.

I just love her so much. I must be an evil person and thats why my mum doesnt love me. Because i dont deserve to be loved. I wish i was loved by her. I know i sound pathetic i am sorry. I am just struggling and dont know who to turn too

[Annie0904]

Everyone deserves to be loved, you included! I'm sorry I don't know much about your background so can't really comment too much on that. Maybe your Mum was just so scared by what happened that she reacted the way she did? Whatever the situation, you do deserve to be loved and don't ever thing that you don't. Sending you lots of hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Anxious_gal]

Sorry to hear about the panic attacks, but well done for keeping up with collage!

I feel that you are sort of putting yourself in a bad situation.
I know you want your mother to be loving and understanding but she might not be capable of doing that.
This does not mean there is anything wrong with you and you need to learn not to take it personally.
I worry that if you keep reaching out to her when you are vulnerable you will just keep on getting hurt and her rejection of you will keep damaging your self worth.

You got to stop blaming yourself, your mother simple is unable to be the mother you so dearly wish she would be. It's good you love her.

Think about all the innocent children who have been abused by their parents, do you think they were simply unlovable? It seems far more like there was just something mentally or emotionally wrong with the parents.

I don't think you mother will be able to give you what you need, you might just have to start being extra kind to your self and learn how to make the best of it.

I know how hurtful it can be when someone doesn't seem to love you back, I understand that you crave love and care from your mother, it's totally naturally. All humans need to loved.

There is noting wrong with you, do not base your self worth simply on how people react to you.
You are capable of loving your mother in spite of how bad she makes you feel. You are a good person.

[BobbyDog]

It must be really hard for you, but I can understand and empathise. I have a similar relationship with my Mum, she does love me, but does not function on an emotional level, therefore finds it difficult to relate to my problems, we are so very different.
You do deserve to be loved. Try reaching out to another family member or friend who you can talk to about your feelings, needs and fears.
Take care of yourself and concentrate on your studies.

[PinkRoxy]

I am sorry you have been feeling like this. Relationships with your family is such a complex thing, its harder to handle problems of those that are really close to you. I know I can't talk to my mum about a lot of things because it makes her feel mad and we end up fighting its really hard in that kind of relationship.

Do you have a close friend you can talk to? or maybe even your doctor or a counsellor you can trust and talk to about how you are feeling.

You do deserve to be loved its just hard and different when it is your own family.

[R.Barratt]

I just hate myself. And seen as I don't have family and all they do when they come into my life is treat me badly and I don't have many friends. So I blame myself and believe I don't deserve to live because if I did I would have a family

[Anxious_gal]

lots of people have bad families, not everyone is cable of being a good loving or caring person. Again that does not mean their is anything wrong with you.
You got to be your own best friend, this world can be a cruel cold place at times and after going through depression and family problems myself I learned that I had to really like myself, cause you are going to get people tearing you down and making you feel worthless.
but at some point your realize they must be very unhappy people if they want to hurt you.

stop thinking in black and white, all or nothing, life isn't that simple, people are increabily complex.

I understand you are in a place where you feel pain and guilt and that the depression is making you only see and feel the bad things and that you feel hopeless and desperate and you are almost falling apart but yet the walls are still standing.

The more you learn about how depression affects your thinking the better.

things will get better but only if something changes, you need more support, I'd ask your doctor, maybe call around and see if they are any support groups or extra therapy.
If you are on medication, maybe see if there's a different type you can try or something, again ask the doctor.

Everyone deserves to live, if you go by your logic then that means people who die deserve to die and that's simply not true.

you got to stop hating yourself, it serves no purpose at all.
they are much more evil people in the world, sex offenders, murders, evil religious cults, I mean come on now you're really not a "bad" person.

do not treat your self bad like the way your parents treat you. treat yourself how you want to be treated.

[PinkRoxy]

I agree with what anxious gal has said. Also you need to find a really nice and supportive doctor you can go and see and have a chat to about how you are feeling. They may probably refer you to some counselling and that is important and that is because there are people out there that do care about you.

Your parents are probably going through a rough time themselves and they could be hurting to know that you are feeling down too. If you think about it if you did decide to end your life it would make your parents and your family feel worse they will never get over your death and they will be a mess for the rest of their lives. I often think that when I feel really down and have thoughts of wanting to die and it is so true though suicide can really harm the people that are around us that love us the most. So for them and yourself of course it is important to get some help so you are able to feel better.

Please will you go and see a doctor to talk to them about it, if it helps I would even write how you have been feeling and what is going on in a letter.

I hope you are able to feel better soon and get the help that you deserve hun :)

[edwardo]

:.... Sorry cant seem to delete post.

[Alexander_supertramp]

Hi
I think your Mother needs to be made aware of the situation by your Father or another family member or friend.
Do not blame yourself for the fact that your mum won't show you the love you need at this time in your life.
The important thing to remember is that no matter how tough life can be, suicide is never the answer. Your life and feelings will get better in time and hopefully your mum can see the error of her ways.

[bethany66]

I can totally understand where you are coming from about your mum as it has been at least 25 years since my mum last spoke to me, but you have got to try and realise that this is NOT your fault as you said you are her child and there is such a thing as unconditional love between a parent and a child. You are going through a bad time and it is only natural you want your mum. I am certianly not 1 to preach about suicide as I have tried on many occassions but really it is not the answer. You are doing the right thing with trying to get your head into college work. Good Luck with everything and be strong