LittleSongbird's diary [Archive]

LittleSongbird

05-02-13, 11:57

Hi, I'm a little girl with 4.8 feet tall, a Vietnamese, and quite new to this forum. My name is Linh :welcome:

Yeah I am not certainly cured yet, but I know I will. I have anxiety disorders & panic attacks, and sometimes - my mood is not good though :wacko:

Today I've taken 3mg Lexomil (Bromazepam) and it's the first time I start walking alone on the street and around the lake. ALONE. At first I was so scared that nobody's beside me when I was panic but well, I'd walked for 35 minutes and nothing happens.:shades:

Then I went to a bookstore and pick a book of Thich Nhat Hanh (you guys can find on Amazon there're a lot of amazing books of him).

I also need a lot of encouragement out here, from all of you.:yesyes:

TO THE ROAD OF RECOVERY!!! :roflmao::bighug1:

LittleSongbird

06-02-13, 04:16

This morning I wake up and do some yoga exercises. It helped me a lot on my recovery.

And I purchased "At last a life" (Kindle version) and started reading it. Wonderful and simple from the very beginning.

Sometimes panic came and I said "Hey! It's you again. I'm in no danger" and it passed calmly. I won't have any heart attack. It won't and I'm sure about it.

In day I also get palpitations (very fast heart rate) after eating but I accept and let it comes. Sometimes I also feel bored, angry and depressed (negative emotions) but I also keep this sentence in my mind "Thoughts are just thoughts. Emotions are emotions. It comes and it goes". And I just keep it up with my day.

Charlie11

06-02-13, 09:20

Hi songbird. Sound like you are beginning to feel a bit better well done you. I am still struggling with the anxiety in the morning. Was thinking of joining a yogo class. Keep,we'll

LittleSongbird

06-02-13, 14:20

Hi Charlie,

Right now due to my anxiety and taking medications, I still have intrusive thoughts, negative and up/down emotions during the day but I don't give a damn about it. Still a little bit worry but I'm still going on with my life. Sometimes I find it hard to focus doing anything (I can't be patient) but I'm practicing.

Pray for me

xX

LittleSongbird

07-02-13, 05:31

Today I had a small panic attack but I let it went and it did.

It's nearly Tet holiday. Today my family had a worship rituals of the ancestors (grandfather and grand of grandfather/grandmother). During prayer I triggered bad thought (insulted them). But it was just a small thought and I think well that's just thought. And I let go of it, it annoyed me a little bit but overall I'm fine.

Maybe I will pick a book about pure O because sometimes I had bad thoughts, want to end them but it always appears.

Charlie11

07-02-13, 08:51

LittleSongbird

07-02-13, 09:14

Hi songbird. You have the right attitude you are doing so well. Have you read the imp book. I'm a bit scared to read it as people have said it can make the intrusive thoughts worse. Tried a yoga class yesterday really enjoyed it. :bighug1:

Thanks Charlie. I've ordered the Kindle version. And I'm reading it. Personally I think I can't be affected or worsen because I acts like an observer. I myself so curious about how and why our brain has thoughts like that. So I decided to give it a try :D

How about your Yoga class? You can meditate at home too. It's the best medicine, I think. You can read some mindfulness books that helps you relax.

Charlie11

07-02-13, 09:16

I will give it a try :)

LittleSongbird

08-02-13, 13:13

Today I've bought a Lumix LX5 and went take a walk through Van Mieu Temple. And I also took some photos that you can see it here (this is my gallery):

500px.com/linkid

Well, it's nearly Tet holiday in Vietnam.

Happy Lunar New Year :welcome: Hope that my resolution for new year will be the BIG BIG recovery and improvement for myself.

LittleSongbird

09-02-13, 18:29

Today is a new year eve in Vietnam. Happy Lunar New year!

I'm going to watch fireworks at Hoan Kiem Lake near my house. It's very crowded, I was freaked out a little bit but I still hanged in there and enjoyed the moments.

LittleSongbird

10-02-13, 10:01

Sad a little bit because only Charlie drops his/her comments here but nobody else's

Nevermind I just keep writing.

Today I make a step forward due to my practicing. It's Tet holiday in my country, and I've got so many lucky money from adults (grandparents, uncle, aunts,...)

I'm going to the pagoda now and pray for new year resolution (Hope that I won't trigger and bad thoughts lol)

Red Flower

10-02-13, 12:15

Hi, I'm reading your diary, positive, thank you. All the best with your problem and hope you feel better soon.

LittleSongbird

12-02-13, 06:22

Hi, I'm reading your diary, positive, thank you. All the best with your problem and hope you feel better soon.

Thank you Red Flower.

Yesterday I had a visit to some of my relatives and friends. And I had a remarkable party ever. Very fun. I got a little bit anxious at the moment but I thought "That's fine. That's okay. Let your body do that" and It passed. And It ALWAYS passes.

Everyday I feel a little better. Recovery does not come fast, but time will heal. I can feel that and I believe that.

Today is a new day.

Charlie11

12-02-13, 09:59

Hi songbird. Glad to here your feeling better. You are soooo positive. Female Charlie

LittleSongbird

13-02-13, 04:33

Hi songbird. Glad to here your feeling better. You are soooo positive. Female Charlie

Thank you.

Yesterday I was angry at my mother. And It triggered bad thoughts. But I accepted that feelings and not try to prevent them. I accepted that anger is normal and bad thoughts too. And it passed. I know that my instinct is loving and caring my mother so, I observed all of them. They come and go. Whatever.

I am currently reading The Mindful path to Self-compassion and Essential Help for your Nerves. Really helpful. I've learnt a lot.

Charlie11

13-02-13, 08:45

Morning songbird I have just request those books from the library. Glad they are helping. :hugs: how did you get on with the imp mind.:)

LittleSongbird

13-02-13, 11:37

Morning songbird I have just request those books from the library. Glad they are helping. :hugs: how did you get on with the imp mind.:)

The imp mind book is sometimes hard to read and understand for non-speaking English person like me (I have to google and scan in dictionary a lot), but well it's very interesting and the author explains very straightforward and detail. Have you try taking a look at it?

Charlie11

13-02-13, 13:35

I will need to by it as my library doesn't have it or heard of it.:hugs:

LittleSongbird

15-02-13, 07:13

Yes buy it it's cheap.

Today is my 19th day of Mirtazapine and Bromazepam. Reducing dosage now. Feel a little bit annoyed and struggling but I know I will be fine. It made my menstruation delayed. And sometimes I feel angry :( not in a good mood at all

I highly recommend people read The Mindful path of Self-compassion. Fantastic book. Specially who is suffering from mental and nervous illness or disorders

Charlie11

15-02-13, 09:01

Soz to hear your struggling a bit today. Just be your positive self you have been doing so well. Why are you starting to reduce your meds. I have been on mirtazipine since sep 30 mgs.

LittleSongbird

15-02-13, 11:47

My doctor said that I just had to take Mirtz for within a month so after 2 weeks I would gradually reduce it.

Mood ups and downs and now I'm getting used to it haha

LittleSongbird

16-02-13, 04:25

This morning I get panic attack but I manage it well. I walk and see things in my house, drop safety behaviors and other things. It's a little bit worse than other days but I know it's just setback and that will be okay.

I always remember that panic attack cannot hurt me. And I just welcome them to come as they wish.

LittleSongbird

18-02-13, 13:50

Yesterday I was struggling but now, today I'm fine again.

Suffering through bad times is normal. But sometimes we just need a hug from our beloved ones, or everybody on this forum.

I'm reading "At last A life" and "Essential help for your Nerves". It said that it's okay to feel bad and accept it not to push it or hide away from it.

I quote a paragraph in "At last a life": "Someone who came to me who is now fully recovered said: 'I did not wake up one day recovered, it was a transition', an this is exactly what it is - the old you comes back in layers. So don't despair, in time it can and will return to the normal clear mind you once had"

LittleSongbird

19-02-13, 14:43

Today I just bought an Ukulele and learnt to play it right away

The first song that I learn is "I'm yours" by Jason Mraz

Well, learning new things is very interesting.

LittleSongbird

20-02-13, 14:55

Today I've received a message from yvonne_uk_98 said well done to my healing path. Yeah I'm so happy to see encouragements from you guys.

To be honest I still struggle days after days, not yet recovered but now I'm very happy to say that I can fully understand what anxiety is and I can manage it most of the time.

Now what I have to learn is control my mood and feelings, which play a vital role in anxiety sufferers. I can recommend you a book named "Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life" it's very good, you don't have to read all the chapters but pick what suits you most.

Charlie11

21-02-13, 09:01

Him songbird you are doing so well. I'm doing ok hopefully will get bck to work in the next week or so. Fingers crossed :hugs:

LittleSongbird

21-02-13, 15:37

Him songbird you are doing so well. I'm doing ok hopefully will get bck to work in the next week or so. Fingers crossed :hugs:

Thank you.

Today I have a flu and diarrhea that made my body feels bad. Coughing all days and got a fever.

I'm keep on reading "At last a Life". I cannot recommend it enough. But anyone who suffers from anxiety MUST read this book. It's life-changing

yvonne_uk_98

21-02-13, 18:25

Hi LittleSongbird,

So sorry to hear your not feeling too well, hope you feel better soon. thinking of you.:hugs:

LittleSongbird

23-02-13, 12:19

Hi LittleSongbird,

So sorry to hear your not feeling too well, hope you feel better soon. thinking of you.:hugs:

Thank you so much Yvonne,

Today I'm withdrawing from medications and feel a little BAD to day. Crying out loud... mood ups and downs, depressed, angry, etc... But I know that I have to let it happens and let my body fixes it.

Need kind words from you,

Linh

Red Flower

23-02-13, 12:26

Charlie11

23-02-13, 13:24

Hi little song bird. Spoke too soon have been hit with terrible anxiety for the last few days. Today being the worst. Really struggling. Sorry to hear your not to good. We will get better.:hugs:

yvonne_uk_98

23-02-13, 18:45

LittleSongbird & charlie11,

hope you both start to feel better soon.

sending ya hugs:

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

you both will get through this. hope you and Charlie too have a good day today.

LittleSongbird

24-02-13, 15:05

Hi LittleSongBird!!! I feel sorry for how you feel and I send you all my hugs:hugs::hugs:Try to relax and think about something positive.:) Just keep telling yourself that it will pass soon and you will feel good again.

Thank you Red Flower. I'm thinking positive now. think positive is a very good thing to learn and change our thinking pattern :D

Hi little song bird. Spoke too soon have been hit with terrible anxiety for the last few days. Today being the worst. Really struggling. Sorry to hear your not to good. We will get better.:hugs:

I'm so sorry that you had bad times. But I know we will be okay, trust me. Have you read "At last a Life"?

LittleSongbird & charlie11,

hope you both start to feel better soon.

sending ya hugs:

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

you both will get through this. hope you and Charlie too have a good day today.

Thank you so much Yvonne. I hope you well too

Yesterday was a bad day to me and I choose to accept and let it go. I did not fight it and then I felt, that's okay, let it happens. And last night I had a peaceful sleep because I chose to be positive instead of worrying which wasted time and made me worse

And today's a good day to me so I enjoy it

Hope you guys all well :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Charlie11

24-02-13, 15:50

Good for you songbird. Thank u for the support Yvonne just get so annoyed at myself for letting this happen again especially when I'm starting bck work nt Monday on a phase return. :weep:

little wren

25-02-13, 09:27

LittleSongbird

25-02-13, 15:29

Hi littlesongbird

I just saw your post about Robin Hall and that you are following cbt4panic. I thought it was such a lovely post - so genuine. I am just starting the cbt4panic. Are you still following the programme? I have read your posts on here and it seems you are determined to beat this.

little wren (a small bird with a loud song)
ps I really liked your photo gallery.

CBT4PANIC is not the only thing I follow during my recovery. I also read "At last a life" and Dr Claire Weekes book for further understanding. These are huge helps for my recovery.

I recommend you should read At last a life first, then follow CBT4PANIC which is much easier :D

Thank you for your compliments about my gallery. I like photography so much

LittleSongbird

26-02-13, 15:02

Recently I have some strange feelings about myself. And negative emotions too.

But I tried not to control it and continue living my day. And I have happiness. I have it.

If I had happiness once, It would always be there. Just deep down in my mind that I did not realize it, because the shadow of anxiety.

Now I let all of them come, sadness, joyfulness, anger, happiness, good or bad, I see them, and let them come, I invite them into my mind, play a little bit longer, then they eventually go.

Last night I had annoyed feelings and I practiced like that, and I had peace once again and slept well.

I had panic attack in my bathroom, but I did not add second fear to it. If my hands shake, I let them shake. If I feel fear, I fear. Nothing's wrong with that.

And that's what I've reached so far

robinhall

26-02-13, 16:33

Tufty

26-02-13, 18:02

I love your posts Littlesongbird, they are uplifting and full of positive statements.

Like Robin says you are doing really well, you've grasped the principles of acceptance and I aim to follow your example to recover from anxiety

Sam

Sparkle1984

26-02-13, 22:04

Hi LittleSongbird,

I enjoy reading your diary, although this is the first time I've left a comment. It sounds like you are doing very well and you have a positive attitude.

I like your photo gallery. I enjoy photography too - I especially like taking photos of nature, such as flowers, trees and the countryside. It's a good way to clear my mind and relax. :)

LittleSongbird

27-02-13, 04:06

Hi LittleSongBird

You are doing fantastically well

and that last post was so beautifully written - you have said so much in just a few lines

I'm sure you will keep moving towards recovery and will inspire others to do likewise

:)

Thank you for spending time reading this thread :D I'm so inspired by you and I owe you a lot. By combine reading yours, other resource and my understanding with patience, I've done so far in my recovery

I love your posts Littlesongbird, they are uplifting and full of positive statements.

Like Robin says you are doing really well, you've grasped the principles of acceptance and I aim to follow your example to recover from anxiety

Sam

Do you have any diaries? Can I take a look at it :D

Thank you so much. Thinking in a positively way is a new habit we should learn to replace our old thinkings

Hi LittleSongbird,

I enjoy reading your diary, although this is the first time I've left a comment. It sounds like you are doing very well and you have a positive attitude.

I like your photo gallery. I enjoy photography too - I especially like taking photos of nature, such as flowers, trees and the countryside. It's a good way to clear my mind and relax. :)

How nice you are. Thank you.

Well last night the obsessive thought came back and haunted me but I thought "Yeah, come one, you're just thought" (I had obsessive thought about religion, saying bad things about religious for a month now). I think it's just anxiety plays a trick on my tired mind.

LittleSongbird

27-02-13, 16:04

Today the intrusive thought about religion of mine came back. Yeah I have to admit that it's scary and obsessive. But I try to remember all the things I've been taught: that thoughts are just thoughts, and I'm no sinful in thinking of saying bad things. Pay them no respect and give them space to stay in my mind which helps me to suffer less. Yep it takes time because it is anxiety plays its trick on my sensitized mind, and because of my reaction to it makes it worse (I still have thoughts urge in my mind that I will be punished and not a good person by thinking that).

I know that and I understand that. I believe it will subside by my understanding, accepting and patience. Now although I have upset feelings in my stomach but I will not try to fight them. Fight or forget just makes these thoughts too important, which they are not.

I will keep updating about my condition. Hope that you guys have a good time

:hugs::hugs:

little wren

28-02-13, 07:13

Hi little songbird

The one thing Ive learned about ocd is to not give the thoughts any importance as you say. By engaging with them you give them too much 'power' (for want of a better word). If you try to not think of them they seem to insist on being thought about - if you try to act to reduce the anxiety of the thought (for me contamination issues) then the anxiety just gets a stronger grip on you next time. Sometimes it works for me sometimes not. Last night I remembered your words about 'not giving importance to the thought' and it really helped me (I was worried about feeling ill). I could manage it two ways - either think oh no these feelings are 'truly' bad or think yes I feel horrid but I know I have been under stress recently and I can actually see what my body is doing and why these feelings came on. I am still reading Robin Halls literature.

I love your diary little songbird. I am thinking of starting one under cbt for agoraphobia? thread. If you would be interested in looking x

LittleSongbird

28-02-13, 15:54

Hello little wren,

That's the vital and basic attitude for intrusive thought as well (I don't want to say OCD because I think many people just suffer from mild obsessive or pure O). And understand it as the consequence of anxiety which your mind is under exhausted. I also notice I have most annoyed thought and reaction when my body's at worst condition and my mind is full of anxiety and panic attacks during the day. That's when intrusive/bad thought attack you.

But believe me or not, if you have any thoughts, even the worst, it will subside anyway when we do nothing to it (even though it will be very scary and you become bewildered and depressed for the first time). It will disappear trust me, with time and understanding (And because you are getting used to them haha)

Today my reaction to intrusive thoughts is lessen. Well by accepting and seeing them "just thought", it will lose its power over you.

P.S: Write it out I'm looking forward to see it :D :hugs:

LittleSongbird

01-03-13, 04:11

Recently I am lack of sleep and can't sleep at night. I lie in bed for 3-4 hours without sleep, just close my eyes. Well it's not a comfortable thing to deal with. I'm a little bit tired if anybody can suggest me a way to sleep well, sleep right, I will be very appreciated.

P.S: Maybe because I'm withdrawing from medications

LittleSongbird

02-03-13, 11:00

Today I know that I failed my dream job, my CV was rejected. I'm feeling terrible right now, just can't be happy. I'm very confident because I have great work skills, but that company (in Japan, very popular) I think they prefer male engineer not female engineer. A little bit sad but I think I will get over it.

Just sad...

Tufty

02-03-13, 15:05

LittleSongbird

02-03-13, 15:29

Sending you :hugs: Littlesongbird, take the advice on your signature - don't be so hard on yourself. Life is so much more than a job, you are unique and have many skills, so those employers didn't recognise that this time, keep trying. To feel sad is normal after rejection, just float with it and try to do things that make you feel happy.

Hope you're sleeping better too x
Sam

Thank you so much for your kind words and reassurance. They definitely just choose male engineer because I think they concern about health's issues (male is better than female in health condition) so they don't choose female. Japanese are hard-worker (and a sexist country) I think. The only thing I feel so piss off is that they don't tell the students that they prefer male from the beginning (It wasted my time in writing CV, read tips and driving far from home to come to their places). I have a few friends are female and they are not picked too, although their CVs are excellent.

I have job offered in Singapore but I have to wait longer. Now I think one step back two steps forward. I will be fine.

P.S: Last night I slept better (8 hours/day and got into sleep after 20 minutes). Although my anxiety and obsession are reduced gradually but I think it takes time for my body to heal, so I just wait.

Big hugs xX

little wren

02-03-13, 17:24

Little songbird - well done for getting the job offer in Singapore :)

Behind every dark cloud is a silver lining - they recognized your qualities. You are right you will be fine because you have such a positive attitude to guide you.

Any changes in medication can affect sleep. Glad to hear you slept well last night - with your good news today I am sure you will sleep soundly tonight too x

yvonne_uk_98

03-03-13, 12:54

Hi Littlesongbird,

Well done for getting the job offer in Singapore :yesyes:

thinking of you. hope you have a good day today.

LittleSongbird

03-03-13, 16:42

Thank you so much little wren and yvonne, for your sweet words.

How are you guys feeling today? Thinking about you two too...

I wish someday I can afford to go to UK. It's expensive though

Sparkle1984

03-03-13, 17:27

Hi LittleSongbird,

Sorry to hear you were rejected for a job, but well done for getting the job offer in Singapore. I remember a few years ago I was rejected for a job (they said I was "too nervous" in the interview) and I was really upset at the time, but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I was offered a better job at another company instead. So try not to be too upset about it and don't be harsh on yourself. I see from your profile that you are a software engineer. I work as a Java web developer, so I think our skills are similar in this respect. What programming languages do you know? It's horrible if your application was rejected just because you are female - in the UK it would be illegal for companies to discriminate based on gender.

LittleSongbird

04-03-13, 04:17

Hi Sparkle,

I'm really glad to hear your words. Very appreciated, thanks.

My favorite language is Java - like you :D

I'm still a student and I had a part time job (a J2EE developer) during my study time. Besides I know C, C++, C#, and web design (JS, CSS, HTML). I also have a little knowledge about Embedded System. I worked for Japanese customer for a time (Hitachi Solution coorporation) - after this hard time working for them I immediately had severe panic attacks and then - anxiety disorders and pure O. Then I applied for Konica but they rejected me because of gender.

In the future I intend to learn Master about Data Mining and become an expert in Data Mining.

LittleSongbird

04-03-13, 17:05

Today a stranger man sent me a creepy message said rumors about this forum (and terrible things that I know which is not true)

He ruined my day, I was so scared.

But then I went straightforward and told him I did not like him so he stopped sending messages to me.

P.S: I'm ordering a micro usb called Blue Snowball to launch a channel on youtube, which I will sing and record it in the future. I'm practicing so hard on my piano now, feeling happy :D

little wren

06-03-13, 07:42

LittleSongbird

06-03-13, 17:04

Hi littlesongbird - I am so glad you have bounced back and are feeling happy...when you go on youtube be sure to let us all know :) It is so positive to use your latent talents and I can imagine focusing on playing an instrument must be beneficial to easing the mind. Creativity does help I am sure (uses the right side of the brain and all that!) I hope you still take your photos.

I hope you get to see the UK it is a lovely place.
little wren x

Thank you little wren for your kind words.

I find myself in doing things I love. Bad thoughts reduced, as they were never be so important to me. Sometimes they urge but I say "so what". Especially in my stressed mood but I think it's just my tired mind. Then I decide to ease my mind by doing things. It works.

UK is an expensive place. I really want to but if I go there I will have to save very much money :D