View Full Version : I did it - I did something VERY SCARY - I am hoping its going to work
Well everyone, I did something this morning that was very scary. I'd been pondering the idea of telling my father I no longer want to talk about my brother who bullied & abused me. I nearly did it on the phone yesterday but just couldnt despite having the words in front of me. At the time I didnt think of that as a failure, I knew I could still do it when I was ready.
So..... today, I got brave.......
I sent my father an email explaining I dont want to talk about my brother again because talking about him makes me feel uncomfortable. I also stated why I feel this way.
There is a long history behind all this, very long but last week my mother demanded to know if "I have said anything nice about my brother recently". I was so astounded because her remark was so out of order, that I asked her "why would I say that"? She remained silent so I said "dont you remember him bullying me throughout my childhood?". My mother remained silent again but then added "he must have got it from your father". I took that to be lame acknowledgement of what happened.
The thing is now, even if my parents try to deny what happened, I have put it to them in black and white in my email. As far as I am concerned I have said something that needed saying for my own sanity.
I now feel more free than I have done in living memory.
I am hoping that this action, albeit scary to do, is going to make a difference, I really do. Time will tell. I am expecting some fall out but who knows, maybe my parents will stay quiet over it.
The point behind all this, THE POSITIVE MESSAGE HERE IS.... if I didnt make this statement then I was denying it myself too. I would have been denying the abuse happened. I would have sealed my fate at the hands of my abuser & his memory. But I am better than that. I am worth more than that. I had to be brave and strong for myself. So I did something that scared me. My parents and my abusive brother do not have a hold over me now. That hold is now gone.
I really dont know what to expect. Before I sent the message I asked myself "what is the worst that can happen?". Well, it was that my parents cut off contact with me. You know what? That would make my life easier so its wouldnt be that bad.
Also I have reminded myself that if my parents confront me I dont have to back down. I can stay strong. My plan is to stay strong when I talk to them. I owe that to myself.
What I havent mentioned is what brought this to head. My abusive & bullying brother died last year. He was exonerated from any responsibility for wrongs he had done in the past. He caused much trouble in our family & made alot of people very unhappy, me included of course.
Well, as they say "what is done is done". I cant go back on my decision to send the message. I do feel very apprehensive, pretty darn nervous. It took alot to hit "send" but I did it. I havent had a reply yet but that will probably be later today.
Meanwhile my friends I love you all and I want you to know that I'm glad I found this site as it's made a difference to me and so do you!
Byeeee & I hope you are having an OK day.
Bless you Tessar:hugs::hugs::hugs:you done well xx
Tessar I am pleased that you have done this and hope that it can give you some sort of 'closure' You have the support of your partner and friends and I think this is something that had to be done for you to move on. I can understand you will have anxiety about the results from hitting the 'send' button but you have already gone through the worst scenario and maybe that will be a good one, so all positive :) Sending you hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:
well done, i hope that particular hurt can be filed away for good now... people say we shouldn't speak ill of the dead, like somehow someone passing away suddenly gives the expectation to have people's memories of the bad things they did erased.. but i agree with you - if they deliberately hurt you when alive, you have no reason to forgive when they've gone.
your parents will be grieving, and within that they'll only want to hear good things of their lost & loved one, but reality is reality, and they need to think of you and what you're feeling - you're still here.
i hope they understand, i hope they don't cut ties with you - but whatever happens, you've done the right thing for you.
Thanks everyone your replies mean a lot to me.
DaisySue, your're right about my parents grieving; it's certainly true they only want to hear good things about him. They wont face up to anything about it. The last straw was my mother expecting me to say nice things about him the other day. She really doesnt get it that at 49 years I really dont need her telling me what to think or say - particularly on an issue like this. That conversation just did it for me I'm afraid, it made me see that I really need to sort this out once & for all.
When the bullying, emotional abuse & other things were going on, my parents just left me to get on with it. It must have been obvious it was going on but they allowed me, a small vulnerable child, to be treated that way. Since then they've always made it out it was nothing or just denied all of it. Another of my brothers turned to my parents desperate for help but they pushed him away. I was astounded they wouldnt help him. Then several years later when my brother (who died) turned to them for help - he was welcomed into their arms. It was very confusing to see them act this way & his presence in their lives ruined what was left of my relationship with my mother.
You're right about some sort of 'closure' Annie. I just want to move on & really hope this is going to help. I've tried so hard to get on with my parents but it's always been to my cost. I could have said so much to them about this over the last year but I kept my mouth shut even when directly provoked. This all made me realise they dont love me but then they dont seem to be capable of loving anyone so it's not personal in that respect. I dont know if they will understand, I believe they won't cut ties.... but I do agree I've done the right thing for me, a lifetime is too long putting other people first in a situation like this.
I have tried to keep busy at work today, I knew I'd feel nervous after doing it. Right now I feel rather scared, no actually more like terrified if I'm honest. I've not heard anything back from my father yet but I know I need to be patient. That's what I'd tell anyone else in the same situation. Oh well........... I'll be off home soon & then I can cuddle the cat (and hug my partner of course....but the cat comes first ha ha).
Oh Tessar,
what an awful predicament.
Ok, so you've said your piece and are you really feeling any better?
I wouldn't 'take sides', you're an adult and you know your parents and the situation but I feel really uncomfortable with this.
I've lost an adult son and the pain is absolutely unbearable. You need the love and support of your family to get through it. You need someone with who you can talk about the good times and share happy memories. Maybe you're not happy because they're seeing your brother through rose coloured glasses and distorting the truth BUT they're grieving.
Please give them some time to at least come to terms with what's happened.
Don't expect them to 'get over it', because they never will.
I guess I just want to say that they're unlikely to see things your way.
If anyone bad mouthed my son I'd never want to talk to them again.
The thought of losing you (by falling out) on top of losing a son must be awful for them.
Try and put yourself in their shoes and let your anger go. I'm sure it's not doing ANY of you any good.
Hi Tish, Your post was very moving & I’m really sorry that your son died. I cannot begin to imagine what that must have been like & no doubt what it still must be like. I am grateful for your input as I’m trying to so hard to shake off my past. It just wont go away. I didnt say much in my initial post, maybe it wasnt detailed enough. This one’s a bit long…..but it just kind of poured out of my head after I read your post.
You are so right & read the situation so well. It is an awful predicament. If I don’t ring my parents I feel guilty but if I do, it seems to go wrong.
A decade ago I became deeply depressed. I felt worthless, useless, stupid, unlovable. I viewed myself as hideous; fat, ugly & wondered why anyone liked me or wanted anything to do with me. I didnt want to be touched as I felt unclean. That was despite having a loving partner & having a responsible job. I'd done well for myself but life just came to a halt.
I had a couple of years of therapy (& CBT). What came out of it surprised me: I’d blocked out my past & didnt know I’d not had your average childhood. It was only when my therapist helped me unravel it all I could appreciate what happened.
When I was little, 2 of my older my brothers started bullying & tormenting me. I was repeatedly told I was fat, ugly, stupid. I was pushed, poked, pinched & punched. They messed with my stuff & stole from me. In a male orientated house, anything remotely feminine was laughable & I was often humiliated. I still fear humiliation in front of others.
Also my brother (that died) molested me. It didn’t happen that many times so I told myself it was nothing. No-one in my family knows. I didnt realise what he did was out of the ordinary. My therapist was the first person I ever told.
By the time I was 13 I found self-harm helped blocking it all out. No-one noticed. My parents stood back even though I asked for help. My mother often shouted. I felt like a nuisance to her. My father teased me too. He thought my pathetic little voice was funny.
My brother died of alcoholism. He had huge drug habit too. I tried telling my family & parents many times he was in serious trouble. They didnt listen. My mother assumed I was trying to be hurtful. By the time they took note it was too late. I saw my brother 6 weeks before he died. My parents said he was looking well but he looked awful. Even then he tried tormenting me so I ignored him. My mother still shouted at me even though I was silent. It was just like old times. With my brother living at my parents house, it made it hard to talk to my mother. It ended the remaining closeness we had.
All I ever wanted was for us to be a happy family. To love & support each other. My 2 bullying brothers were hell-bent on trouble. My parents couldnt control them. I tried to protect my mother but it back-fired as she mistook it for interference but I hated the way they treated her. They had no respect.
I do recall being happy in my mothers arms it felt so wonderful. But once my brothers kicked off it stopped. I just dont get it. I thought the whole point of having children was nurturing & loving them. I would do anything to be hugged by my mother & feel the warmth we shared when I was little. I always assumed there must be something wrong with me or I did something wrong. I will never know.
After my brother died (almost a year ago now) I put my parents first. Even though being with my family is always triggering, I was there to support them. On the day of my brother's funeral I held my mothers hand alot. We hadnt done that in years but I figured if I was really kind to her, somehow we would connect again. A few weeks after, I was talking to her on the phone & was clearly upset. She noticed but then changed the subject. I dont know if its because I’m the only girl she cant handle my emotions. She showed kindness to people outside the family but it never came my way. My mother isnt going to come & put her arms round me & say she loves me. It’s a huge disappointment & I feel the loss deeply. I feel my life’s work has come to an end.
I do want to remember happy times & when I ring I hope it’ll be different but my mother often launches into one. I have to bite my tongue & any chance of happy chat is gone. Being expected to talk kindly of someone who hurt me so badly is too much. I cant do it any more. When he was alive my mother told me to shut up if I mentioned him. Now it's the opposite, I don’t get it.
I’ve been seeing a counsellor for some months to try & deal with bad memories & feelings that have resurfaced. Its very painful. I’ve come close to hurting myself again but I know that is not the answer.
You're right, Tish, that they are distorting the truth & I know they will carry on grieving. I feel too I have lost so much in life & I dont want to break contact but they suck the life out of me. I thought long & hard about what to say & told them I waited til now as a mark of respect to his passing & to show my parents respect & support (& I’ll continue to support & respect them). Also I’m not intending to cause conflict or dig up the past but I need them to know I find it too uncomfortable to talk about my brother.
You're right that my anger isnt helping. This whole thing tears me apart.
I do appreciate your words Tish & I really am very sorry that your son died. I imagine my post must have been upsetting & I do apologise if it did make you feel sad or anguished. I always try to be kind to people & where my parents are concerned I just cannot understand where I went wrong. My family make me feel anything but kind & considerate & when people tell me that’s what I am, I cant take it on board. Its like they are talking about someone else.
If there's anything else you can add that might help, I would like to hear from you again as writing this I’m sure in some way will have been helpful to me.
Thank you so much for your lovely reply Tessar.
I'd been worrying that I'd said too much and upset you even further.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, it's really good of you to explain it all.
I hope you all find peace and I'm sure that your brother has now.
Sending lots of love x
Thanks Tish; I'm glad that my reply was ok, sorry you'd been worrying. I feel that anyone here is entitled to reply how they feel ..... I'd much rather people were open about feelings & thoughts as it's all part of dealing with things. That applies to anything & anyone and because we will all see things from our own perspective when people give alternative viewpoints thats helpful too. Thank you for your kind words too & for sending me love. I really struggle with that you know, love, but I am being as receptive as possible to anything kind that people say. I am determined to find peace, I suppose I'm on the rocky road towards that at the moment.... & doing that post yesterday did benefit me. I may have shed a few tears as I thought about it all but they are tears of healing since each time that happens, I feel there is a bit of release from the anger & emotion of it all. I just wish it was possible to pull a plug & let it all out. Bye for now x
Its certainly been an up & down week for me after I emailed my father to say I dont want to talk about my late brother again (because of how badly he treated me over the years & that it is uncomfortable for me to be expected to talk pleasantly of him - thus why I prefer not to talk about him at all).
After a few days my parents rang me & I spoke to each of them separately. Neither of them remember anything untoward going on which of course does rather surprise me. At times my childhood was so unpleasant, they must have been able to see my distress at the time. My father did mention that this all happened decades ago & why mention it now. I did explain to him that my brother dying last year & then everyone going on & on about him had triggered unpleasant memories & feelings.
His answer to it all is that I should let it go & that being angry isnt doing me any good. Of course I do know that he is right & I did explain to him that I have tried to do this all my life. He couldnt understand why being treated this way in childhood could impact on me right into my mid life. Its pointless trying to explain to him as he thinks that you can just switch your emotions off. well, he might be able to but I cant.
On the plus side he did say that neither of them want me to feel uncomfortable any time my brother is mentioned. He also said if he'd been aware of it happening he'd have put a stop to it. Also that if my brother were alive now he'd get us together & sort it out. Obviously that's not something we can do but I guess its something that he said these things.
Initially after I had sent my email I felt more free than I had done in living memory. Probably because I had done something that meant the abuse couldnt be denied any longer. I had tried over the years with my parents to sort it but they clammed up every time. At last after many attempts in the past I have got them to listen & it is out in the open. If they say they cant remember then I have to accept that, whether I like it or not.
They did say that he had a kind, generous side & had found out things about him they didnt know before. I was able to explain to them that he didnt ever show me any kindness or generosity & that I never retaliated either. Now they know why I find talking about him difficult. Hopefully my mother will lay off me now & stop trying to make me talk about him or say kind things. Perhaps I'll be able to ring them now and not feel angry after the call.
I know they were surprised to hear all of this and at least they didnt say I was making it up, I got the feeling that they believed me which is good.
It was a big risk to take, sending my message but I just couldnt keep denying the abuse happened. For me what has come out of this is no longer feeling my parents or my abusive brother have a hold over me.
I'm finally hoping I can let go of the past & the anger that accompanies my memories of it.
Just momentarily this morning I thought of myself in a more positive way. That maybe soon I'll be able to look in the mirror & instead of seeing a tormented & depressed person, I'll be happier and more free. Finally free to start enjoying life again after a deep & very dark time.
I'm so very sorry you were bullied by your brother and that he died. I was heavily bullied and abused by my father, told him I never wanted to speak to him again, and then he died a month later, so I can understand how you feel about the situation. However, the best thing I ever did for myself was to forgive my father. It doesn't make sense because he didn't deserve my forgiveness, but I chose to forgive him as part of my recovery from anxiety and panic. I have felt better ever since, haven't had any panic attacks, and am nearly medication free. As the song goes, "The prisoner that it really frees is YOU. Forgiveness!"
I know it's hard, but it is incredibly rewarding and freeing. Also, when I let go of my resentment toward my father, I found myself missing him and remembering the good times, able to talk about him positively and comfortably with the rest of my family! This is just a suggestion, but I hope you find it in your heart to take my advice! Best of luck to you, dear! :)
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