mollyfin
08-02-13, 07:04
I'm sure I have a brain tumor.
I thought at first that it was migraines caused by medication (wellbutrin) side effects - dizziness, photophobia, vision disturbances (snow, trails, afterimages), left-sided weakness and numbness, headaches - but I've been off the medication for two weeks and continue to feel worse rather than better.
I saw my doctor about a month ago, and he agreed that there was some weakness in my left hand, he guessed it was side effects, and he referred me to a neurologist, whom I saw a couple of weeks ago. I "failed" some of the tests, but he too said he thought a lot of my problems could be medication-related, and basically to wait it out.
Well, I continue to feel worse. The headaches come and go as usual, the visual problems are more or less the same (maybe a little less light sensitive; the palinopsia maybe a little worse but it's hard to tell), and the weakness, numbness and stiffness is getting significantly worse. I can't use my left hand very well. I "miss" things if I try to touch them or point at them. My fingers don't move smoothly or in coordination with each other. Repetitive movement requires intense concentration. Compared to my right side, the movements are slow and jerky, not at all fluid. My fingertips are numb a lot of the time, as are parts of my hand at times. Yesterday I started having upper arm and shoulder pain on that side, and now my whole arm is weak and tingling. I know that focusing on things will make them worse, but when I AM able to put things out of my mind and forget that I have stuff happening, I try to use my left hand, it "freezes" or misses its target, and there it is again. The fact that it happens when I'm not obsessing about it also makes me think that it's something actually wrong. My hand at rest also seems to want to be in a fist all the time.
My leg still feels weird and off as well, but I don't think that's getting worse, just staying the same. I've also started getting severe hip pain on that side (used to have it on the right side, can't say I like it any better this way!) and the only thing that helps is "cracking" the joint, and that's a very temporary relief. I guess I'm walking oddly. I also get burning patches of feeling on my lip on the left side, and my tongue burns. The facial numbness I felt before is mostly not present now.
My brain also feels shot. I can't type correctly; either I miss keys or I type the wrong word half the time. My speech feels slurred a lot of the time, and again, I have trouble finding words. My memory is complete crap; I can't remember anything short-term or long-term.
Parts of my head hurt like crazy when touched, and my eye and nose run a LOT on the left side.
I smell things that aren't there - this seems to have lessened lately (or maybe I wasn't smelling phantom things, and my neighbors just stopped smoking pot that I was actually smelling...)
The fact that it's getting worse makes it seem impossible that it's not a brain tumor. I don't see how stress can do all this, and on just one side of my body. I don't know what the heck to do. I called my pysch doc and asked how long withdrawal symptoms lasted, since that's what my regular doctor initially thought my problems were, and she said to see if they were gone by our next appointment (five days from now). I don't know what else to do. Go back to my regular doctor? Or just try to ignore it?
It seems impossible that this is just anxiety, but then I've said that about so many things in the past, and they never turned out to be anything too serious if anything at all.
I'm 29 years old, I'm getting engaged in a week (assuming she says yes!), and I should feel great. Instead I'm just constantly panicking over this, crying, distracted, miserable. I feel like I need a brain MRI. But I'm scared to get one because I feel like if I have a brain tumor I just don't want to know. Brain cancer is pretty much incurable in adults. I don't want to know when my death is coming. (But at the same time, if I only have a few months left I don't want to waste them trying to find a job, playing Farmville and spending time with people I don't like.)
I don't know what to do. I've posted at other health anxiety forums and people are helpful, but it's frustrating because, well, I feel like I'm not taken seriously because I fret about things so much. Which is understandable, but at the same time frustrating. And I know reassurance-seeking is bad, but I don't have a therapist and I don't know what else to do; psych drugs are no help at all.
I try really hard to help people on the other forums but I worry I'm just making things worse by saying "Oh, I had a relative with this disease, that doesn't sound like it, I don't think you have it" or "That's really common with anxiety; I get that all the time," because reassurance is bad, but I don't know what else to do. I feel bad letting people squirm when I can help them feel a little better even short-term, but I don't want to hinder them either.
I also feel insecure because my girlfriend (hopefully fiancee) is a Christian and I'm not, and I've spent a lot of time exploring religious avenues my whole life, but especially since we started dating, and I worry that my friends (mostly very vocal atheists) will lose respect for me if I do find something in that avenue of life (right now I'm agnostic with pagan and Catholic leanings from my earlier years), so I'm scared about dying and going to hell and being separated from her for eternity. I'm also scared about there being nothing after death.
I thought at first that it was migraines caused by medication (wellbutrin) side effects - dizziness, photophobia, vision disturbances (snow, trails, afterimages), left-sided weakness and numbness, headaches - but I've been off the medication for two weeks and continue to feel worse rather than better.
I saw my doctor about a month ago, and he agreed that there was some weakness in my left hand, he guessed it was side effects, and he referred me to a neurologist, whom I saw a couple of weeks ago. I "failed" some of the tests, but he too said he thought a lot of my problems could be medication-related, and basically to wait it out.
Well, I continue to feel worse. The headaches come and go as usual, the visual problems are more or less the same (maybe a little less light sensitive; the palinopsia maybe a little worse but it's hard to tell), and the weakness, numbness and stiffness is getting significantly worse. I can't use my left hand very well. I "miss" things if I try to touch them or point at them. My fingers don't move smoothly or in coordination with each other. Repetitive movement requires intense concentration. Compared to my right side, the movements are slow and jerky, not at all fluid. My fingertips are numb a lot of the time, as are parts of my hand at times. Yesterday I started having upper arm and shoulder pain on that side, and now my whole arm is weak and tingling. I know that focusing on things will make them worse, but when I AM able to put things out of my mind and forget that I have stuff happening, I try to use my left hand, it "freezes" or misses its target, and there it is again. The fact that it happens when I'm not obsessing about it also makes me think that it's something actually wrong. My hand at rest also seems to want to be in a fist all the time.
My leg still feels weird and off as well, but I don't think that's getting worse, just staying the same. I've also started getting severe hip pain on that side (used to have it on the right side, can't say I like it any better this way!) and the only thing that helps is "cracking" the joint, and that's a very temporary relief. I guess I'm walking oddly. I also get burning patches of feeling on my lip on the left side, and my tongue burns. The facial numbness I felt before is mostly not present now.
My brain also feels shot. I can't type correctly; either I miss keys or I type the wrong word half the time. My speech feels slurred a lot of the time, and again, I have trouble finding words. My memory is complete crap; I can't remember anything short-term or long-term.
Parts of my head hurt like crazy when touched, and my eye and nose run a LOT on the left side.
I smell things that aren't there - this seems to have lessened lately (or maybe I wasn't smelling phantom things, and my neighbors just stopped smoking pot that I was actually smelling...)
The fact that it's getting worse makes it seem impossible that it's not a brain tumor. I don't see how stress can do all this, and on just one side of my body. I don't know what the heck to do. I called my pysch doc and asked how long withdrawal symptoms lasted, since that's what my regular doctor initially thought my problems were, and she said to see if they were gone by our next appointment (five days from now). I don't know what else to do. Go back to my regular doctor? Or just try to ignore it?
It seems impossible that this is just anxiety, but then I've said that about so many things in the past, and they never turned out to be anything too serious if anything at all.
I'm 29 years old, I'm getting engaged in a week (assuming she says yes!), and I should feel great. Instead I'm just constantly panicking over this, crying, distracted, miserable. I feel like I need a brain MRI. But I'm scared to get one because I feel like if I have a brain tumor I just don't want to know. Brain cancer is pretty much incurable in adults. I don't want to know when my death is coming. (But at the same time, if I only have a few months left I don't want to waste them trying to find a job, playing Farmville and spending time with people I don't like.)
I don't know what to do. I've posted at other health anxiety forums and people are helpful, but it's frustrating because, well, I feel like I'm not taken seriously because I fret about things so much. Which is understandable, but at the same time frustrating. And I know reassurance-seeking is bad, but I don't have a therapist and I don't know what else to do; psych drugs are no help at all.
I try really hard to help people on the other forums but I worry I'm just making things worse by saying "Oh, I had a relative with this disease, that doesn't sound like it, I don't think you have it" or "That's really common with anxiety; I get that all the time," because reassurance is bad, but I don't know what else to do. I feel bad letting people squirm when I can help them feel a little better even short-term, but I don't want to hinder them either.
I also feel insecure because my girlfriend (hopefully fiancee) is a Christian and I'm not, and I've spent a lot of time exploring religious avenues my whole life, but especially since we started dating, and I worry that my friends (mostly very vocal atheists) will lose respect for me if I do find something in that avenue of life (right now I'm agnostic with pagan and Catholic leanings from my earlier years), so I'm scared about dying and going to hell and being separated from her for eternity. I'm also scared about there being nothing after death.