Gone downhill and due back at work Tues

[Sunshine77]

Hi, just need to share how I am feeling right now. I posted earlier this week that I was feeling a lot better and sure enough the last couple of days have been terrible again. Right now I have shaking sweaty hands, jelly legs, a pounding heart and a feeling that something awful is about to happen and that I can't face the day.

I think this might be related to the fact that I have to go back to work on Tuesday when my sick note runs out. They referred me to Occupational Health who rang me yesterday and suggested a phased return 4 hours a day to start with but I felt that they backed me into a corner over the date of return and now I am committed to going on Tuesday. I do feel better than I did a few weeks ago and can do things that I couldn't do then like going round the supermarket and going for coffee with friends. But anything even slightly stressful is still sending me into full blown panic - e.g. today I have to make some phone calls to solicitors and estate agents about selling my dad's flat (he's in hospital and being transferred to a home next week), I'm panicking that I won't be able to be there with him when he moves in as well. At the weekend we went into our local city and I had a big panic in Debenhams when I couldn't find my husband and ended up in tears in the street which was really embarrassing.

If all these things are freaking me out so much, how the hell am I going to be at work??? My job is really stressful and I am afraid that trying to cram it all into 4 hours a day will make it worse rather than better. Nobody has covered my job whilst I'm off and I spoke to my boss the other day, he asked had I been reading my emails? I said no, he said well he'd sent me a few to act on as soon as I come back. I feel under pressure already and really scared

What am I going to do? On the one hand I want to get back to normality and stop feeling like such a failure. On the other hand I feel really fragile and am scared of undoing my progress and even worse of going back and then having to go off again!

Sorry to go on, I just feel really rubbish and so sick of feeling like this! :weep:

[Darbysa]

Hi sunshine

I'm really sorry you feel so bad. You are having quite a time of it.

It's good that you have been offered a phased return but appalling that your boss is expecting so much of you. How long have you been off for?

It seems to me that you are not really ready to go back but I know that this is probably just putting it off and that would make you feel worse. It's areal shame your boss has said this to you. Could you not speak to occupational health again and ask them to have a word? Easier said than done I know.

The stress of you father being ill is obviously adding to all this. I wish I could give you some better advice but hopefully just knowing someone understands what you are going through will help a bit.

Good luck. Feel free to get in touch if you need to.

Sal

[Charlie11]

Hi sunshine

I'm also due to return to work on a phase over 5 wks. I tht I was having to go bck to work on Monday. Doc says its to quick as my flux meds have been increased again. Can you go and see your doc and ask for more time off? Also my occ therp offered to send a letter or speak with my employer advising them what I was capable of. It's not right that there has been no one doing your job and that your employer has been sending you emails. :hugs:

[Sunshine77]

Thanks both for your replies. I've been off since 8th Jan so a month now. I only started with the business on 22nd Oct though! Thankfully I work with some people I've worked with before so they can testify to my work ethic.

Sal you're right, I think it was the dad stuff that pushed me over the edge to be honest - he tried to commit suicide in November and had to be fished out of the river - I've been dealing with the NHS side of it plus the financial side and it's taken an emotional toll too as there's no other family but me and it's very distressing seeing him. Combined with the new job and some other stuff plus my natural temperament, I think it all just got on top of me.

Charlie, how long have you been off for if you don't mind me asking? I know that if I go back to the docs on Monday she will happily sign me off again but I'm just afraid it'll make it worse - that I'll get more pressure from work and that my self-esteem will be hit even more.

Also I've been on Citalopram for 3 weeks now - first week at 10mg and then the last 2 weeks at 20mg so surely they should have kicked in? What if this is as good as it's going to get?

Ugh sorry, I sound such a loser :wacko:

Thanks again for replying

[Darbysa]

Hi sunshine (definitely not a loser!)

My poison is seroxat and for most of the time it keeps me on an even keel. I do know that most ADs can take up to 6 weeks to kick in and that sometimes you can feel worse before you feel better so hang on in there.

It will get better

Sal x

[Annie0904]

I have been off work since last June and I go back to work on Monday on a phased return. I am only going 1.5 hours a day for the first week. I am not looking forward to it. Sunshine it doesn't sound to me like you are ready to go back yet and maybe should speak to your doctor again, especially as your boss seems to be putting pressure on you before you get back. your boss should NOT be emailing you about work when you are off sick :hugs:

[Charlie11]

Hi sunshine. I have been off since the end of sept. due to go onto 1/2 pay. Cant afford to go down to 1/2 pay. So in way I don't have an option. Re your meds you need to give them more time. My meds were changed on the 28 nov but apparently every time they increase my fluoxetine the side effect is increased anxiety ( which is what has happened) last increase 18th jan. now,on 60 mgs,
Along with mirtazipine which helps me sleep and diaziapam for 2 wks to help,with the increased anxiety. Baby steps sunshine you could ask your doc to add another med to,go with your cirt. Hear from you soon :hugs:

[tamo]

I understand your situation very well sunshine and you have my best wishes .
Looking at your situation it seems like you have a good grip on what you should do . It looks like your Dads business has pulled you back a few steps while you were doing fine but thats what happens with us , sort of 3 forward 1 back up one minute down the next . I think you are thinking too much about too many things , its the fear of fear that,s keeping you from moving on . Your boss is thinking of himself and his/her business or department , try not to take it personally ( ive been there ) . Its difficult but you would be amazed at yourself after a few hours back at work , you can do it . i recommend Claire Weeks material , i read it years ago but forgot how important her teachings are so i bought all her books again plus some audio and through this understanding i got myself through a bad work related episode .
I do hope your Dad is ok and you get him settled . I cant comment on medication as i dont take any ,maybe i should ( posting soon on this )

wishing you well dear .

[Ycg3]

hi
I have only been suffering with panic attacks for 7 weeks now and finding the attacks very frightening
also have jelly legs
I feel sick/gag most of the day and struggling to eat
am also finding I wake in the early hours and cant get back off to sleep!!

am on propranolol slow releaseg 80mg at night & up to 3x in the day 40mg & also citalopram 1x a day

have just had a good week of getting back into routine- taking daughter to sch & walking the dog (on my own) but on fri (8th feb) I had a blip and cant do anything so back to square one

Don't want this anxiety to win
but feel like staying in bed all day

Is this a normal thought

Am off work on the sick at the mo - due bk in 2 wks 27thfeb
don't know if I feel ready yet?? especially aer the last few days
When is the right time to go back??
HOW LONG YOU HAD OFF ?? and been suffering?

Thanks for the support ppl x

[oh no_1]

i never ever been off this long and been off since november and still not back, tried to go bk twice :(
im a real state at the moment and have had no chouce but to hand in my resignation too so im even more angry upset etc

[Sunshine77]

Thank you all for your replies.

Annie - massive good luck for tomorrow; I will be thinking of you.

Ycg3 - I've been off since 8th January so 5 weeks now. I identify with everything you're feeling. Don't think about 27th Feb yet, a lot can change in 2 weeks. Give yourself a chance to heal.

Tamo thank you, I don't know whether it's fear of fear that's making me not want to go back.

Oh_no - I'm sorry you've had to leave but on the plus side it will give you the space you need to recover without the pressure of work always on the horizon. I wish you well :hugs:

Yesterday I had a horrendous day, PA in the morning and couldn't stop crying in the afternoon and had some really dark thoughts. We went to some friends' for dinner in the evening and I know I was really quiet and not very good company but I felt like I couldn't think of anything to say to anyone - does anyone else get this?

Occupational Health were meant to email me a letter Friday afternoon with the phased return plan, which I am then meant to take to my GP tomorrow for her to "sign off" so that I can go back Tuesday. But guess what, I still haven't had the email.

Everyone around me seems to have a different opinion about whether I should go back on Tuesday or not and my husband in particular has run out of patience with me.

I know I should give it a go but I just don't know if I can.

God this is a horrible place to be isn't it? Thank goodness for this forum
:)

[gabrielle37]

Hi sunshine,

sorry to hear your going through it right now, i went back too early last year, id been off 3 months and ended up off longer because i thought i could do it. please go see the doctor and speak to him, hes the one who will guide you, mine did'nt want me to go back but I knew better! but i was wrong. you will go back to work and you will be fine, but maybe not just yet because you've to get better first. good luck with whatever you decide. big hugs for you xxxx you will get there :-)

[Sunshine77]

Thanks Gabrielle for your reply and the hugs :-)

I'm veering wildly between thinking "oh for God's sake just do it" and thinking (or rather feeling) complete panic and fear. Right now I'm in the former mindset but yesterday was the total opposite and who knows what tomorrow will bring on this insane rollercoaster?! that's the problem - I don't trust myself to have 2 ok days on the run or even 2 ok hours on the run! Ooooh frustrating!!! I normally fall into the "I know best" camp too....

[Ycg3]

it's the thought of going back and not being able to stay and then having to have more time off, but then it could make every return to work worse!!
I am so tired I think id fall asleep at work

[Sunshine77]

Well just a quick update, I went back to my GP this morning and told her about my good days and my bad days, showed her the phased return plan and just put it in her hands to make my decision for me. I honestly felt so weary and unsure that I felt I would do as I'm told and have someone else decide. She signed me off for another week and pointed out that I've only been on the full dose of Citalopram for 2 weeks. She decided not to increase my dose though.

I've spoken to HR who were ok and to occupational health who were lovely. The pressure is coming from me, not externally, I feel I've let myself and work down by not going back tomorrow as I was originally meant to. But I am completely exhausted - slept very badly last night and I think this is the right thing. It would be worse to go back and have a PA or a sobbing fit in the middle of the office than just to give it more time and go back with more strength. I just hope this week makes a difference and I start to get a bit more consistency in my mood.

[Annie0904]

I think you have done the right thing, especially when you have not been on the meds long. I know what you mean about feeling like you are letting work down but your health is more important than anything. I have gone back to work too early myself before and it only makes it worse. You need to have at least a full week of feeling okay before you consider it. I am going back on my phased return this afternoon and even though I have been quite confident this past week, I am really anxious today :(.