Need help and advice please

[Kimberley456]

Hi everyone iv had a really bad weekend I checked my bf phone and found porn on his Internet history he said it was the lads he was working with had picked his phone up and were looking at it I self harmed before I asked him about it we tried to sort things out last night but I can't get it out my head, then tonight he told me he tried to cut himself this morning to see why I do it. He didn't leave a mark he said he's just trying to understand why I do it, now I can't get that out me head and blame myself. I'm sick I just feel so down I really don't no what to do. X

[Col]

Kimberly first of all do u in your gut, think he's lying ?

The him self harming - no mark in my opinion, I don't think he's tried it only contemplated as a way of making you think that he cares!

You self harming over this is awful, If U do doubt him I'd ask once more and tell him your not gonna do anything but the seriousness and consequences of what u found has resulted in u self harming so he now needs to grow a pair & fess up! Then u can take it from there what to do. But I sincerely hope your gut feeling is a positive one! Don't blame yourself either about what he said RE: self harming himself because Hes ok & any man who is in a relationship knows that for their partner to find that sort of material will inevitably cause issues!!!! Him not deleting he might not see the problem & could be seen as being open - nothing to worry about??????

Takecare

[CameronG]

What's the big deal if your partner had been watching pornography?

[Kimberley456]

I knew men would think this was ok its a big deal to me I'm going thro a lot at the min my head is ****ed up and I'm not happy he's been looking your post isn't helpful so don't reply if you are not going to give me advise to help

[arg13]

Firstly, try and step out of the situation to try help you calm down. I used to self harm so I know how you feel and also I had a similar situation a year or so back when I found videos and photos of my bf and his ex doing 'intimate' things on his laptop, so I can appreciate the hurt.
You need to work out if you trust him, it very well could have been his friends (boys are stupid lol) and he is telling the truth so there is nothing for you to worry about. But similarly he might watch porn sometimes, sadly it is a normal part of our society, but you need to remember that his opinion to it will be different, it wouldnt mean anything and he wouldnt be watching it wanting the girls in it or comparing you, I would bet he would choose u over a pornstar EVERYTIME. guys I know who have/do watch porn know its all fake and isnt realistic and they wouldnt want to actually be with the girls.
So I wouldnt look too much into it, it wont mean anything to him so you dont need to worry, or at least try your best to not let if affect your relationship.
Also him attempting to self harm to 'understand' it better is just a bit odd, have you sat him down and explained that he will probably never understand it, you cant understand unless you have been their yourself and he really shouldn't try, he just has to accept that its a coping mechanism to you like some people have heavy painful sessions in the gym when they are upset/angry. Do you want to stop cutting? Are you getting help? It might help him understand more if he sees you actively trying to stop, even just calling him when you have a the urge and talking to him about it and getting him to distract you until the feeling passes.

Hope that helps at all, and remember, boys will be boys but it doesnt mean he doesnt want you just as you are!

[Col]

NOT all men are like CameronG above, but very very pathetic to make an unconstructive comment especially to people on this site = IGNORE!!!

What might be no big deal to one person, might be a massive problem to another. Very narrow minded.

We are here to help and hope what I and arg13 have said, is a food for thought and helps in some way.

[CameronG]

So I Get shot down by asking what the big deal is, trying to get an understanding & scope of the situation, what's so wrong with that?

[kchan]

It's a valid question , i agree. If you can pinpoint exactly what it is that upsets you so much about it you can explain it very clearly to him. It sounds like he doesn't understand but is trying to put himself in your shoes so he can. Just talk to him, calmly and concisely, knowing what is wrong instead of just a general 'I dont like this" and in the meantime try to remember he's with you, he's trying to be supportive and thats a clear sign that he cares about you.